Well, think about how you will feel when or if you reach an older age. Would YOU want someone invading your home and privacy to help you?
I don't.

I find that taking advice is not her strong suit. Even a when it comes to a safety issue, there is pushback. It is entirely frustrating and overwhelming. Combine that with hard of hearing and ornery personality and that is sure to damage a relationship.

I've found that MyCabinet App really helps with the medicine management. i can mange my moms meds from anywhere. and the app is free
www.mycabinet.com/app

SueNWPa: If you're basically healthy, you likely have some "capable" years to go, but you're SO right that coming to terms with old age isn't easy. I'm 86, which is very different from 76, at least for me. We are middle-income retirees, now on a fixed income, and I agree that affordability is a major consideration. Prices are so high even for necessities, and most older adults' income has not kept up.

My spouse (93) and I are reasonably able--for our ages. We haven't needed a lot of help so far, but when we do, I agree that it is very difficult to find and afford. Landscapers, handymen, repair people of any kind are booked weeks in advance and sometimes don't show up. We're super fortunate to have a trustworthy, reliable housecleaner who comes every two weeks, but she will be off work for 3 months due to knee surgery early next year and I'm already worried!

We are de-junking (again!) and, like you, hope not to leave a huge mess for our adult children when we die. I don't buy much of anything durable anymore if we don't absolutely need it. My first thought is "How will I dispose of this?".

Good luck to you and your old dog. We have a senior cat.

I am 75. Single. No adult children. Lost my support group when I had to move. The real problem for the not wealthy seniors - it is very difficult to find reliable help or to even afford to hire anyone when living on a modest fixed income. They say there are public social services but several I had contacted for help actually caused more stress than help and drained my energy. So I try to do the best I can for myself. I have no one but my old dog now that I moved. My new plan in life is to just clear out all my personal junk so no one else needs to come do it after I leave this planet and stay alive long enough to complete that task. Also to learn how to keep my mouth shut and enjoy my home and my fur buddy in the time we have left. I have relatives as joint executors and poa. Not so sure they will do their duties as such but at the time they seemd willing. But after my old dog and I are gone I really don't care what happens to my junk. I know selling the house will give them some money. I don't expect them to cherish what I cherised.
I know from having been a caregiver myself us old folk can be come cranky and needy. You have no idea what growing old entails until you are there. I thought I did but actual becoming frail is a shocker. Don't think anyone is prepared for that little gem of life.

My 83 yr old mom wants help on her terms. She doesn’t want a maid or caregivers in her home anymore so I told them to not come back. Now she wants me a working widow to come see her 15 mins a day she said, to do things she needed done. I explained to her that I can’t do that ever day, I have a business to run. We butt heads often. She hangs up on me at least ever 2 weeks because I remind her to do something. I am
the oldest of 4. My sister will not answer the phone. My 2 brothers live out of town. So it’s me she calls to fix her tv remote or to order her groceries that kind if thing. When I mentioned I could not come over every day for 15 minutes because I had to work her answer to me was “I know what you do over there“ ha ha ha, I don’t do anything but work trust me I want her to be safe and comfortable and happy, but she is a high maintenance person. Not vanity wise, but having someone do things for her or just sit and talk to her. I don’t mind sitting and talking to her. As a matter fact, I call her every night. But she is very argumentative every since I can remember, even as a kid.

What I am glad I haven’t seen here, that I’m unsure if I experienced, is a parent sabotaging their elder years, long before they’re elderly and attempting to trap their children into caregiving.

I dreamed of being by my mother’s side, as she went into the winter of her life. We’d always been close or at least I thought so and my sister had always been absent.

But, it seems that, over the course of time, she showed herself to be quite the malignant, covert narcissist. Ultimately, I think it’s possible that she not only spent our inheritance and a legal case (it was her money and her option though), then she may have canceled long term care, if she had that. My impression of her, before she passed, at the start of this year, was that she was going to ruin the rest of all of our lives. She just didn’t get my compliance and, with attempting to abuse me, from a distance, I took the advice of the psychological community and went no contact, leaving her with my flying monkey sister.

This was not the way I saw my mother going into the winter of her life and leaving this life, but I’m not one to be destroyed by someone else’s issues. I surely wish it could’ve been the other way.

Are you kidding me?? Take them to the appointment and then spend the day together? Are these people independently wealthy and don't have to work? Have no families of their own to care for, much less themselves? I understand that solution would probably work but it's completely impractical for life outside of the 1950's.

My parents are stubborn and "too independent" to accept formal help at home. I'm completely overwhelmed by their requests and demands, and very sad over the state of affairs. I've been trying to find strategies to assist me in encouraging my parents to accept help, while they refuse, and came across this useful article. I hope it helps everyone as much as me.

My mom will be 87 next week. She has been living in her own apartment with helpers coming and going a couple of times a day.
She is very disabled and takes a lot of pain medication.
Fact is, she takes many falls, most of the time when there is no helper there. She broke her ankle one month ago and is now in a rehab facility far from her whole family and there is a coronavirus quarantine there. So she is finally getting the round the clock care she really needs, except that she is even more disabled due to the fact that she is catheterized and that can also lead to a secondary condition if not properly managed.
She did not make the choice to move to an assisted living near her family a year ago when it was really “time for it”. The problem some seniors face is failing to accept that they cannot safely live alone. They will not face their own mortality and basically slowly kill themselves with their own failure to accept their changing bodies.
This makes it very stressful for the family when the cries for help become screams and pleas.
However she did not respond to any previous suggestions, coaxing or anything to transition to a safe and reasonable assisted living facility. Her pathetic scenario could have easily been avoided. She is the architect of her own demise.
I don’t think this is particularly what she wanted. It makes no sense and is painful to witness. Because of her recent injury and the coronavirus restrictions it is possible she will spend the remainder of her time completely apart from her family and possibly her friends. I know this is the case with many aging parents. They do not close the barn door until after the horse has escaped and they are stuck with no horse at all.
Sad to watch and my mother has been absolutely adamant about waiting to the last minute for everything expecting providence or a fairy godmother to step in. It’s magical thinking that is not based in reality and she cannot be convinced otherwise.
This is a lesson I hope I learn before I reach that level of really needing help. She has had so much offered to her and she stubbornly refused. Now she is stuck far away and alone amongst strangers in a care facility 1,000’s of miles away from her family in the middle of a coronavirus epidemic. She wanted to take just one more cruise (cancelled due to pandemic) then swiftly broke her ankle while being quarantined at home.
People think the worst case scenario can’t happen to them, but for many older people it does. They refuse to accept help or their own mortality or their diminished ability to do certain things -
so much so that they do not even recognize how lucky they are to have so many good options for assistance.
It’s a dangerous folly.

My mom was age 90 and very end stages of Alzheimer's and required care for 15 years. This turned into around the clock care for the last 5 years. At the end she could not talk, move her facial muscles, arms, legs...anything and was like brain dead, kept alive with a PEG tube. Liver failure from cancer ended up killing her, not Alzheimer's.

My sister-in-law's mother was in her mid-90's, completely with it, very independent until she fell and broke her hip and was on the ground for days before someone discovered her, hospitalized, then got superbugs and died. It only takes one fall to be the major game-changer.

I have an older sister who is 75. She has either the flu or bronchitis?? She has been sick for 6 weeks! Yes, 6 weeks & refuses to go to the doctor. She says "she doesn't feel like going & wants to stay home". She's congested & coughs constantly. She is so stubborn! Her son & daughter in law have tried to convince her to go to the doctor & so has my other sister & but she refuses! She won't take any of the OTC meds we have bought for her either! How do we handle this? We are so worried about her!

Blackhole, you are so correct, I liked your list of Dr. Phil, Mr. Rogers, Edgar Cayce and Teepa Snow. May I throw in Mother Teresa's name who had the patience to deal with daily care.

An update on my 2014 and 2015 postings here.... my Mom [98] had passed the end of 2015, she was determined to show everyone that she and my Dad could manage on their own, and she died trying to prove herself right.... [sigh].

Right after Mom passed, Dad said he was ready to move out of that house and into something easier to deal with. At first he wanted to look at one level single family houses, and I had to talk him out of that.... there is still a lot of maintenance and cost to a house whether it had stairs or not, and the cost of around the clock caregivers. He eventually moved into a senior living facility and likes being there :)

In short, we adult children are tasked with delivering the magic combination of Dr. Phil, Mr. Rogers, Edgar Cayce and Teepa Snow. Always. No room for a bad day. And did I mention that the magic combo is a moving target? It's exhausting.

The 'hidden' unremarked large statistic is that, in addition to swelling ranks of seniors going way beyond the 'age' that used to be thought of as 'old', we also have increasing survivors of chronic lifelong major mental illness (think schizophrenia, bipolar disorder) which complicates the care picture even further. This is especially true in the light of laws (which in principle are ethical and correct) that do not allow anyone to be 'forced' to take medication against their will. Going off meds is particularly devastating for a mentally ill person, and for the entire family network. In light of all the "push-back" that you are describing, where an aging person will use whatever blunt object that is handy, to assert or secure his/her continuing independence and self-determination, discontinuing vital maintenance meds is like setting the house on fire. It makes it extremely dicey, even to FIND any kind of appropriate housing or care-giving, much less put it in place.

My Mom [97] returned home from the hospital this afternoon after having a sinkable episode, first time she fell that I knew about.... and at the doctor's request I hired professional caregivers to watch my Mom and Dad for 24 hour shifts or get them to move to Assisted Living.

Today was the first Caregiver, super nice fellow that my Dad really liked but Mom couldn't understand why he was washing dishes.... "if he is going to help, have him do yard work" she said..... [sigh]

The manager came in to help after he left his shift and Dad was more than happy to have someone help him... Mom became territorial.... the Caregiver heated up some food in the refrigerator and Mom took the bowl from Dad and was going to throw it out. How dare another woman cook for Dad. Mom wanted her out of the house. The Caregiver eventually convince my Mom that her husband was very hungry, can he please eat. She finally agreed but wouldn't eat herself, and pouted.

Oh dear, we have a problem in the room.

Mom is in denial that she and Dad can still live by themselves in their house. They are both fall risks, especially my Dad who tumbles on a regular basis and can usually get himself up after quite some time. I can't pick him up, and neither can my sig other because we are aging ourselves. Which I think is another denial by my parents, we aren't 35 any more, that ship sailed many decades ago.

It's sad, my parents still want to be very independent, why can't they enjoy the help? I would be thrilled to have someone wanting to do the laundry, vacuuming, cleaning the toilets, cooking and making sure I was doing ok :)

This may oversimplify the situation. What about the angry, combative, temper-tantrum throwing, un-cooperative parent - that doesnt have a plan to die - but doesnt want to keep living... or the tricky one that has no insight into his deficits. who takes the keys away when they appear to be cooperative to their doctor? Who forces treatment when they are not actively suicidal? So wish there was a magic wand we could wave.

My parents are in their mid-90's and still live home alone. In the past I use to balk at things that my Dad wanted to do, such as mow the lawn with his electric mower, but now I keep quiet. I decided let my parents do what they want as long as it isn't highly dangerous to them. If they need help eventually they will ask, and I will hire someone to do the work.... I can't do the work anymore, I'm getting too old myself :P

My parents don't want anyone to think they are old. At first Mom didn't want Dad to use his new rolling walker to walk down the driveway to get their mail. Eventually Dad got his way and is using the walker, which he really likes. Mom [97] doesn't want anyone to see her using her cane, even though she can barely walk without it.... [sigh]. And heaven forbid a doctor tell Mom her ailment has do to age related decline.... Mom will say the doctor doesn't know what he/she is talking about.

Yesterday at the Elder Law Attorney, the attorney was asking my parents about final arrangements in case either or both would pass on. Dad said the question made him feel old.... then I said that I had seen the attorney last month about my own Trust/Will/POA and had no problem answering that question, as I could die tomorrow, so it isn't all about age.

One time I gave my parents a beautiful brochure about a fantastic retirement community just down the road. Dad said the brochure looked nice, maybe in a couple of years they will think about it. Couple of years? At that time they were 92 and 96.

So much truth in the way ( we) talk/communicate with our (significant elder'ly) ps . If your reading this / these articles and now comments My hat is off to you !!! Keep going .. oh please dont forget to make /FIND/CREATE time for yourself . Remember ' LOVE NEVER FAILS"

P.S. At 87 my mother is cooking the Thankgiving turkey (as 'I' assist)... Plus... she's making a pumpkin pie (her crust beats Martha Stewart anytime). Go mom!

Excellent article!... I have had to face this with my mother and still do... It is exactly how you 'word' things to them... But all-in-all, I'm very proud of my mother for trying so hard to grow 'old' respectfully with her struggles. I wonder how it will be for me and how I'll handle it at her age?

When accompanying my 89 year old mother (whose problems are all physical vs mental), to various appointments, I have noticed that medical and other personnel of whatever organization we are in address her as if she were a child, talk too loudly, or bypass her and talk to me as if she is incapable of understanding and making her own decisions. I usually try to discretely suggest that they talk directly to her, some don't get it and I need to be fairly blunt.

How about putting up with an old father who moves a serial golddigger into the family home?

My dad turned 90 in February he still takes walks around the neighborhood by himself, tries to mow our yard with a push mower :-) does what he can then when he gets out of breath I take over, he has CHF but he keeps on pushing himself when we first started living together 2 yrs ago I started telling him what I thought he should and shouldnt do for his own safety he quickly informed me thst he was nit a child and he was not stupid so I backed off and let him do pretty much what he wants I just keep an eye on him and the cell phone in hand just in case I have to call 911.. Having been a strong, independent man who was the bread winner and took care of his family I can only imagine how hard it is to have to let your children take care of you. My brothers and sisters and I are learning a lot of lessons thru this experience on how to and how not to act when we get old lol

I am a 'care giver' as a Stephen Minister to a woman who is 88. Actually I guess we started out that way and now she is, to me, my beloved friend. I have really seen her age in the three years that we have 'been in each other's lives' and she calls me her dear friend. She never had children of her own, but she has a wonderful, loving 'adopted' family (who I know) and they have increasingly been filling the role of her children as she needs more and more help. I absolutely know how much they give to her and care for her. I am sure they have her POA, they own a CPA firm and so I am sure they help her handle finances, etc. But this woman has told me that although the wife of this couple has been gently insisting that she attend her doctor visits with her, she has been avoiding allowing her to go in to the visit with her. She seems to not want to relinquish that part of her own care. I can certainly see her becoming weaker and she does has almost total hearing loss. But she still drives her car, lives in her own home and I think is waiting out the demise of the last of her four cats (age 17!) before she finally leaves her home. She feels no pressure from me, although I have many of the same points of view as the family she has 'adopted' and as a matter of fact, we share certain aspects about her condition, mind set, etc. I would never betray a confidence but I think the point is, she feels that I am somehow 'neutral' here so there is no threat that I will in any way take her feeling of running her own life from her. She never has asked me to go with her to visit her doctor but I would if she did.
This woman had an amazing life, career, is funny and sassy, still a very Christian woman, and she is full of surprises in the things she says and the stories she tells. I see so much of myself in her, especially when she shows me pictures of her in her 50's. What a gorgeous and strong lady! She told me once that her first husband confessed, after 27 years of marriage, that he loved her and loved another woman (who was 21 years her junior!) and he didn't know what to do. She TOLD him what to do - GET OUT. She subsequently remarried a good man and was married to him almost 30 years. When he passed they both looked like a 'little old couple' and no one would have guessed what she had been through and the strength and independence she had. Sometimes we share a glass of red wine, which we both love, and if we go out to eat, we take turns buying. She keeps very accurate track of whose turn it is! Ha! She calls me 'my beloved friend'. I think what elderly folks want is to be seen not for who they have become on the outside but for who they still are on the inside. That's what I want too - I wish I had the body I had twenty years ago! And the face without wrinkles (I am 57). Those 20 years went by so fast and I know the next 20 will too. I never want anyone to call me sweetie or honey. That was for my husband, the man I love. Mrs. ______ or - if I say it's ok - my first name is what I want to be called. By nature the relationship between children and parents, even adopted (meaning later in life as I have described) does seem to become a power balance even with the most well meaning. Just the other day our son, who is expecting his first child with his wife, was working on me to convince us to move closer to them (they are 10 hours away). We WANT to do that, but he said to me in a kidding manner, "hey Mom, who's going to take care of you if you get sick down there?" and I told him "not so fast, buddy! We aren't old yet!". I know they would willingly take very loving care of us, but my immediate reaction was 'back off! Not quite ready for you to change my diapers yet!". It doesn't happen over night but it is a parent-child dynamic that develops over the cycle of life. I think what anyone wants is to be supported and feel respected and have the space to make their own choices. If a parent needs to be made to make a choice that is for their safety it might even be a good idea to pull in someone not up so close to the family (like a Stephen Minister) to help.

Excellent article, Anne-Marie!

May I add that as the founder of Keeping Us Safe, this is an issue we deal with daily as we try to facilitate a smooth driving retirement for older adults with diminished driving skills.

Thank you for sharing your knowledge,

Matt
Founder & CEO, Keeping Us Safe

This definitely sounds familiar, I do my best to try to compromise and talk my loved one from getting even more stubborn.

One thing that all of us can do is to understand some of the issues that our parents/grandparents/seniors face. Many seniors will not volunteer information. That way, you can understand when an off-hand comment comes out, and then you will understand the context. Retirement planning and life starts at taking care of yourself from a health perspective. In the US, healthcare costs start with Medicare. Everything else branches out from there.

Sounds familiar.