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I am a paid live in companion caretaker. I care of an 83 year old man with early signs of dementia. His daughter has hired me to care for her Dad. He is affectionate and asks for hugs in the morning and night and asks me to sit by him and hold his hand for a few minutes. I have been doing this because I feel human touch is very important. That said, his daughter has approached me and stated he was telling people at the senior center I would sit on his lap and "snuggling" with him. None of these things are true and I have never heard him say that to the many friends and family who call throughout the day. There has NEVER been ANY inappropriate interactions between us. There our cameras in the living room and kitchen/dining room on at all times. She can clearly see there has never been anything you can even remotely misconstrue as inappropriate. She has asked me to not sit next to her Father nor hold his hand anymore. She refused to tell him that this was her request so she left it to me. He is a very sweet man and he is soo very upset by this and is upset with his daughter, and claims she's controlling every little thing. I never say a negative thing about this to her Dad but she keeps insuiating that I'm the cause of his distress with her. I am heartbroken and feel very unsure about my role here. One more thing, when my Grandkids came with my daughter to pick me up for my 54th Birthday last week. He just adored them and told them to call him Pap Pap. They are 8,6,4, and 2. They loved him to pieces. I was told by his daughter that was inappropriate and they were not allowed to call him Pap, only by his first name. Am I missing something or am I correct in my instinct that this could be jealousy?
The caregiver is often isolated too. Today I laid in bed beside my mother and guess what, not only is she now sleeping nicely but I feel better as well. I think that constantly focusing on her physical needs without her being able to respond with any sense of thanks or closeness was spiritually draining me, I will have to keep reminding myself how restorative a little sympathetic together time can be!
it was a good article, but also in todays society and workplace you have to be careful that the person on the other end of that "touch on the shoulder or arm" is not taken as sexual harassment. everyone is different, so maybe it would be good to let them know you appreciate them and then touch the arm. I have friends that always hug when we see them, another friend just isn't comfortable with that. who knows maybe that person had some kind of bad encounter with touch before.
Wow! I've been thinking about this a lot lately! I found that when I visited mom when she was near dying (she couldn't speak, couldn't see - she had a massive stroke and they could do nothing else for her), I put compresses on her forehead, held her hand and talked with her hoping that on some level she knew I was there. When I go to a store or restaurant lately, I try to smile at people, say hi to their children, help an older person with a door, take their hand crossing a street, etc. and sometimes I get strange looks, others just pull away. Maybe people are getting desensitized when it comes to people helping them or even shaking hands. It's kind of sad. I'm a hugger, and our church family is like that so it's nice to be there on Sundays to sort of get a boost/re-charge. Because of electronics, the socialization element is slowly dwindling from our society. Thank you so much for writing this article. It may catch on and people may "pay it forward" by reaching out and touching someone and/or showing they care more often.
Every person is different. Some yearn for human touch while others cringe at the mere thought of touching or being touched by other people. My mother was a social person, so she craved and appreciated human touch, especially from those who cared about her. In her last months, my mother not only appreciated my hugs, embraces and gentle touches, she responded by reciprocating and touched my arm and face as well. My favorite memory now is one night when my mother fell asleep in my arms whIle in the hospital. I let her sleep that way for about 30 minutes before I had to leave. I felt so bad that I had to interrupt my mother's peaceful sleep. Her sleeping in my arms told me that she felt safe and secure as I held her head and arms. My mother couldn't communicate that we'll due to Alzheimers, but that occasion spoke volumes to me. My mother died three weeks ago, so I will always treasure that night as she fell asleep in my arms. Now she is asleep in God's loving arms. May God bless all who provide care to their aging parents as they become weak and fragile.
I think lack of touch is endemic in the older demographic. As our age increases odds are we will lose our spouse/partner who was our closest contact, close friends become telephone companions, family visits are limited and the joy of cuddling a small child is a distant memory. When the time comes that we need help with ADLs in long term care the staff are separated from true touch by latex gloves and social norms that discourage hugs and physical displays of affection as being unprofessional. It's no wonder therapy pets are so popular, often it is the only warm loving body people get to touch.
Good thought, but how do you implement it? I am rather standoffish myself, and would be very uncomfortable if someone that i didn't know very well wanted to embrace me, hold me, or even hold hands. Some people have employed a massage therapist, but I am uncomfortable even with that (even if I could afford the cost). Yes, I am basically a hermit, even though I live with many others.
I could not agree MORE. Years ago when I went through a bad divorce what occurred to me one awful morning is how I ached to be touched again. I had been raising three children myself and had a lot on my shoulders and realized how long it had been since someone held, comforted ME. We all need to be cared for, not just washed, fed and our basic needs met.
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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
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This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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The Power of Human Touch
My mother was a social person, so she craved and appreciated human touch, especially from those who cared about her. In her last months, my mother not only appreciated my hugs, embraces and gentle touches, she responded by reciprocating and touched my arm and face as well.
My favorite memory now is one night when my mother fell asleep in my arms whIle in the hospital. I let her sleep that way for about 30 minutes before I had to leave. I felt so bad that I had to interrupt my mother's peaceful sleep. Her sleeping in my arms told me that she felt safe and secure as I held her head and arms.
My mother couldn't communicate that we'll due to Alzheimers, but that occasion spoke volumes to me.
My mother died three weeks ago, so I will always treasure that night as she fell asleep in my arms. Now she is asleep in God's loving arms.
May God bless all who provide care to their aging parents as they become weak and fragile.