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Ok .. you have to be a really, really good mediator to do this, but, if you're able and willing ... get all the aides sitting in the same room together, give them the opportunity for a 'no fault' bitch session, get all the tensions out on the table and work out some solutions, and then offer the alternative: "We all work this out together, here, now and no more of the Downton Abbey syndrome, or we wipe the slate clean and start with people who are willing to work together on OUR terms. This is a team effort and we only want team players." Then stand behind your words. (I have a feeling that's a non-issue for you, personally.)
As for dad .. is he also so narcissistic or so mentally declined that you can't reason with him? "Dad .. look .. I know you love your independence and I love that about you, too, but ... do you REALIZE how much it hurts Jennifer, your night aide, when you try to climb out of bed and fall? Not just makes her feel bad for not doing her job, but it HURTS her to see you in pain. Really, dad? At least let her come and watch, so that if something goes wrong she's there."
Edna came home from her last surgery with an altered state of mind: more cognizant, but less short term recall .. it was kinda weird .. but she suddenly thought she could just get up out of bed or the chair and walk. So, she'd start to, yanking this that and the other thing out of the way and by the time I got there and asked what's up, she was naked from the waist down, shoes akimbo and sliding out of the chair. "Gotta get up" .... "ok, dear, do me a favor .. lift your right leg .. good, love .. now .. bend the knee .... nono .. the right one. Oh? can't? Gosh .. think that'll work for walking? like some help, yet?" Now, at least, she calls when she wants to move. Took a bit a doing, but it eventually sunk in that help was just help.
My father became progressively more and more impossible to reason with, and now with a brain injury, there is no comprehension yet on many levels. But pre-brain injury, to give one maddening example: the guy had a broken spine, was wearing a back brace full-time, had been told by his PCP to attend a Driving Rehab clinic, we had all reasoned and begged and pleaded with him not to drive, talked about the danger to others and himself...I even burst into tears at one point, which was actually the most effective method, because it yielded a sincere promise from him not to drive "until the orthopedist says it's okay." Stupidly I believed him, and he went out in the car soon after and smashed into a mailbox, which could easily have been a person, when he stepped on the accelerator instead of the brakes, explained it away, concealed the incident from me, got the car in the shop to be repaired before I could see the damage, then lied to me about it. (My Mom's aides told me what really happened.) So no, he cannot be reasoned with. After years of him begging and cajoling my Mom to drink more fluids because she had been rushed to the ER dehydrated several times, now HE is the dehyrated one and there is no convincing him of the necessity to drink more. I think the real shocker will be when he finally gets to come home and on some level it dawns on him that he has not returned to his former independent self, running the show.
I don't have it in me to run a mini-therapy group for all of our aides. I just don't. Several people have suggested the path of least resistance would be to clean the slate and let an agency handle the new situation. My wife and I currently look like we've been living in a war zone---we had to move in and take over living Dad's life for him, running his household and Mom's care, about 6 weeks ago, and I couldn't believe what a 90 year old had been handling on his own! We are both exhausted!
I'm all for wiping the slate clean and starting over.... maybe the new ones will be more effective in getting him to cooperate... our elders get quite comfortable with the same faces and the way we do things..... when Gene tells other NO... they retreat... when he tells me NO... he knows he will eventually.... but your dad sounds like consequences mean nothing to him... I feel bad for you but do applaude your for not moving in and taking this on yourself.... and sometimes they will do things for a stranger that they wont do for family.... he sounds like a hand full.... and please who ever you hire... please inform them of this.... that will run a caregiver off faster than anything if the family has withheld important information.... like he is very noncompliant..... if they know this ahead of time... they may have some new ways to get him to cooperate.... wishing you luck on a workable solution... please come back and let us know how things are going.... and don't apologize for rambling... that's what most of us do anyway, so we understand... hang in there.... something will work out....keep us updated....
Elie, Perhaps if you like your current caregivers, if you are not able to have this chat with them, you might want to consider getting a geriatric case manager. They would be able to assist with getting a team established and handle the stuff you are not comfortable with. They are usually social workers and have seen all sorts of situations and dealt with all types of personalities.
Yowza, Elie .. you have it in spades. The good news is, you know it, going in and recognize most of the pitfalls. I say follow your instincts ... and with this further info, I'd be inclined to make the shortest shifts possible and definitely allow an agency or coordinator assist you. Bless your heart and do let us know how it goes.
thanks everyone--family is having lots of emails and phone calls, as Dad's discharge date is only 3 weeks away, which will fly by....I'll let you know how it goes, and really appreciate the space to bounce ideas off all of you generous souls.
I do not thought about too much about my meals whose going to pay awhile when I'm working as a paid independent caregiver and staying client home 4 days straight, my client's family does the groceries shopping for us.
I do understand every client's family are different situations, some family don't offer meals at all,so hired caregivers(work for 48-72 hours) bring own foods....I am lucky one I don't have to bring food and I have three meals a day with my client. Of course I do buy my favorite coffee or some snacks.
Every household wants to save money.... If you have to hire paid caregiver from out side what would you like to do? Happy Valentine's Day!! Sue
A bit stressed this morning while getting a few hours respite. Regular caregiver is on vacation (how could she?! ;-)) so second in line is there this am. Regular caregiver, blonde hair blue eyed, Scandinavian that mom gets along with well. Second in line Hispanic woman, very good, I like her, very attentive, but I'm afraid of mom's reaction. Mom was always very prejudice, and this disease brings out the worst in her. So, just hoping, praying, all goes well! I would be pleasantly surprised to say nothing of relieved.
Glad... a caregiver took a vacation??? Shame on her.... lol.... ya, C was very prejudice...but only wanted women of color working for her... don't even want to know how that equated in her brain..... so hope things went ok so you could get out for awhile.... sorry things are going more smoothly, but maybe the wrinkles will get worked out and it will go better.... hey, have you went private on your wall... was going to send you a hug this morning.... hugs to ya anyway.....
Thanks, Ladee, I can imagine why C was that way! I wonder if I could use it with mom, but then she would have to remember, so back to square one! Yesterday, did not go as well, mom kept asking CG when she was going to leave, starting to get agitated when most naive and arrogant sibling showed up. She stayed less than half an hour, but was a worthwhile distraction. For once she helped with mom's care and, the ignoramus, doesn't realize it. Did send email to let her know how mom enjoyed her visit and how excellent her timing was which probably ticked her off. Sometimes there are those siblings that would never do anything to help you in spite of how mom enjoys it and appreciates it!
How do I approach a situation I'm not sure what's going on? I found a half of vicodin in the bathroom. Don't know how it got there, G has two caregivers, myself and another gal in the am. Gs husband don't take that or administer in the am. The other cg has made comments about not being able to get her pain meds lately.... should I talk to family or let it go? No one uses that bathroom but C and other cg.. usually I find stray meds in bedroom, never bathroom. Advice?
Well PC, someone is wondering where the rest of their drugs are!!! By all means cover your butt on this one.... you might want to start documenting things with this other caregiver.....it gives you something to fall back on... I know with my last situation... I should have been documenting C's behavior's for a long time..... if for nothing else... for me.... let us know what happens.
All her meds are kept in the dining room. Including vicodin. And it's normal to find a pill now and again in Gs room, cause sometimes they get knocked of her table if she doesn't take them right away.
PC, Can you talk to other CG or client's family about pain med how it got there, could be client dropped ? Those pill are should charted or documented each time whoever administrated and who does order Rx? , Specially like us from outside caregiver. My case I and new cg do count pills ( Xanax, Zoloft) each time new caregiver came to my client(Ms J). When I start this job my client's meds was all in bathroom med cabinet.... I saw Ms J was trying to open Rx for herself that she already had taken, since then I moved all her meds to CG's room.... Her family member was so surprise that Ms J was let me move her meds!! It has been almost 2 years, no problem yet!!! Like LadeeM( hi Linda) said CYA...... Good luck !!
I tried with my patients husband, he basically took the no big deal approach. My patient is bed ridden so it wasn't her. Her husband only gets it when she wants it. If she don't take it's on her table in her room. It's not unusual to find non narcotics on Gs floor, but in the bathroom raised a flag. I would like her meds in a pill box, charted what's in the box and the rest locked up, unless more is needed, and chart that too. It's such a mess there, no one knows what's going on and we have a great pill chart! I swear, I'm the only who charts EVERYTHING on my shift, down to her urine output! (She has a cath) how do I approach a pill box? How do I voice my concern without a fight?
All I know is, if I call this out its gonna be bad. Other cg has been there awhile. Almost 3 years. Although I have heard from everyone, there is trust issues with cg. For instance, I log my hours. If I'm off I state why. He has a written document of my hours and tries to pay me all the time, after I've been paid. Other cg just throws out a number... and when he asks if he owes money she never has said no in front of me. Can you tell I'm frustrated!!!
PC, You are not calling HER out, you are calling out a problem that needs to be addressed.... as I said in a post to you on the YOU thread.... if the family chooses not to address this.... then cya..... let the family deal with it.... stop enabling her by doing things she should be doing.... her not doing her work is not a reflection on you , it's a reflection on herself....hope this is all resolved soon....our jobs are hard enough without this kind of stress that is not being taken care of by the family.... sending you lots of hugs....
Thanks and hugs to you ladeeM! I have gotten great advice from all of you. I'm gonna speak up. Weird I love doing this and I don't want to have a bad rap. It's my living. Time has come to voice my concerns, not accusations. Side note, I watched my little niece be born today... So bittersweet, being I am a caregiver for people leaving the world. Today was beautiful.... but yes, I am gonna approach this and see what happens. I'm not gonna go down because of her.
Hello to you all ! I have some more questions for the professional caregivers out there. I appreciate your input. I wanted to know, how do you interact with your patients? How do you see your role ? Do you do alot of activities...how much of your job is companionship ? What is your relationship like with the family ? Do you take direction from the family or do you feel that since your are the professional they should take direction from you...This is all still a mystery to me...
Hi toomuch... sorry I am just now seeing your post..... I am working 5/12's and don't get on here as much as I like....great questions you have... the answers will be different depending on the caregiver and the situation... and even sometimes the area in which we live....
First of all, I take directions from the family.... I am working for them... they know their elder better than I do....as long as the elders care is first and foremost, I do as I am asked.... I may tweek it some, according to my own way of caregiving, but always tell the family what I am proposing....it is usually met with approval.... I see my role as coming in to ''assist' the family...this is a double edged sword for me as my last job was a nightmare....but I became attached to my elder and put up with a lot of crap.....but each job teaches me something... I am a long term caregiver, meaning I usually am there for the 'duration'.... meaning, until some one dies or the family chooses to return to the helm..have had no job lasting less than a year... I don't do activiites in my present job, as I am working night.... I have always been a 'day' caregiver, and am taking a much needed break working days... I am professional with the family,but living in Central Texas, we are a little more laid back, and therefore it's not as rigid as some situations... and a lot of it depends on how much the family wants to interact with the caregiver. Some just want you to do your job, others make it more personal... I always let the family set the tone for that.... With this job, I am making sure L is taken care of during the night... she had LBD and needs supervision and assistance to go to the bathroom... redirected to go back to bed.... like last night, at midnight... she said, "you said supper was ready".....so its about letting her know it's the middle of the night, but she will get a great breakfast when she gets up....her husband is totally self sufficient, I assist him if he asks me too..... that was our agreement..... There are some things I will not do, or some things I will not tolerate.... I am not being paid to be at the beck and call of family members for their wants and needs..... I consider this job, a sitter... and my duties are limited..... but have always worked days and that is another story.... I have been blessed with a few good families, like the one I am working for now... but the last one was chaos from day one.... why did I stay??? I'm still working on that one...... maybe to teach me what my limitations are....that is still a work in progress for me....
Thank you for asking these important questions and being willing to hear the caregivers side of things.... let us know if you have more questions.... sending you hugs ...... PS... will come back when I am more rested and share what I do during day shifts... going back to bed !!
I am new to this site. I am on both sides of caregiving. I cared for both my parents whom lived with me; my mother for 4 years and my father for 5 years. And soon will be helping my mother in law as she was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I recently lost my career of over 30 years so I decided to finally do something that makes a difference, something I really wanted to do . . . caregiving. I became a registered CNA, but could not get hired anywhere. So I have decided to become and independent private home caregiver. I have my first client this Friday! My purpose is to provide excellent, compassionate care for those in need. I am glad to have stumbled upon this board. There are some great ideas and point of views. I too would like to find a site that is for non-family caregivers. I wish I would have found this site when caring for my parents.
Welcome to the site mrsboge. This started as a site for family caregivers and the professionals were looking to branch off but have remained and everyone is glad they did. Of course there are differences the most obvious being that non family get paid and get to leave at the end of a shift! The similarities really outweigh the differences and the problems of care are very similar. Most people here are dealing with dementia and mental illness culminating in end of life care. Changing a diaper is the same if you are paid or family. You have already faced end of life issues. If your parents did not have dementia you will face new challenges with your mother in law. Your training as a CNA prepared you for basic nursing care but someone with Altzheimers will likely remain physically fairly well to the end but the mental issues will be completely discouraging as the change in personality as the disease progresses is very painful to watch and remain compassionate to someone who was previously sweet and loving but can become nasty and physically violent. Those on this site have dealt with the full spectrum and will have much wisdom to share.When you are feeling down and discouraged this is a marvellous place to come and share you feelings. it is anonymos but at the same time you will make marvellous friends and can arrange to communicate privately if both parties agree. The moderators can arrange an exchange of email addresses. If you just need to vent that is fine too, someone will have words of comfort and advice. Again welcome and blessings
Welcome Msboge..... there are many threads here that are very helpful.... happy to see you are going to try and help families and their loved ones with such a difficult transition..... it will be different..... it's not like taking care of family.... I have been doing this for 15 years, so let me know if I can help.... and there are other paid caregivers on this site...... we will be there for you.... just go to my wall and I will answer.... I am working 12 hour shifts, so if you don't hear from me right away, know that I will catch up with you as soon as I can... happy you are here with us.... it's a great place to be.... hugs and chocolate....
I want to pop in and give a warm welcome. I'm coping with a broken tooth (very painful) atm, so my brain isn't in gear as it normally is. Meanwhile, welcome and don't be shy.
Hello too much. Each customer/patient is very different. I have one thing that I do however, when I am on the interview, I allow them to speak a lot, because the reality where I live, Washington State, is that most people have no clue what they are looking for. I do not go in and try to change people, unless they state, give me ideas please. I also have something that I learned. People will say how did my mother do? Be careful and get to know your people well first. I have been caught on both sides, where I told them what they asked me, and that was too much far too much information, and then where they asked and I mum is the word. I told them very simple things, things that I felt they would understand. Both turned out to burn me. Meaning, the person that was asking for a lot of information really wanted minimal, and the person that wanted minimal wanted a lot. So the reality is, much of care giving is to go with your gut feeling, and most of the time your gut tells you correct. Good luck.
mrsboge I don't know who does have it, but if you don't you should. Grieving relatives can make some difficult accusations especially if they are distant and there is money on the line. I am retired now but did carry it even though my employer also carried it. The Employers insurance often tries not to support the employee and of course the employer does not want a claim on their policy. Also if you have significant personal assets you might want to form yourself into a corporation. If you plan to fly under the radar that is up to you. This is a pure guess but at least $100 a year but it is several years since I carried it. Psteigman is a mine of information on this sort of thing so maybe she knows
*giggles* No. Someone could sue me for all I own ... let's see, that's a broken down car, about 5 crates of knick-knacks and clothes, an air mattress .. and my laptop. Fortunately, for me, no real reason to have it.
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Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
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Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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As for dad .. is he also so narcissistic or so mentally declined that you can't reason with him? "Dad .. look .. I know you love your independence and I love that about you, too, but ... do you REALIZE how much it hurts Jennifer, your night aide, when you try to climb out of bed and fall? Not just makes her feel bad for not doing her job, but it HURTS her to see you in pain. Really, dad? At least let her come and watch, so that if something goes wrong she's there."
Edna came home from her last surgery with an altered state of mind: more cognizant, but less short term recall .. it was kinda weird .. but she suddenly thought she could just get up out of bed or the chair and walk. So, she'd start to, yanking this that and the other thing out of the way and by the time I got there and asked what's up, she was naked from the waist down, shoes akimbo and sliding out of the chair. "Gotta get up" .... "ok, dear, do me a favor .. lift your right leg .. good, love .. now .. bend the knee .... nono .. the right one. Oh? can't? Gosh .. think that'll work for walking? like some help, yet?" Now, at least, she calls when she wants to move. Took a bit a doing, but it eventually sunk in that help was just help.
I don't have it in me to run a mini-therapy group for all of our aides. I just don't. Several people have suggested the path of least resistance would be to clean the slate and let an agency handle the new situation. My wife and I currently look like we've been living in a war zone---we had to move in and take over living Dad's life for him, running his household and Mom's care, about 6 weeks ago, and I couldn't believe what a 90 year old had been handling on his own! We are both exhausted!
Perhaps if you like your current caregivers, if you are not able to have this chat with them, you might want to consider getting a geriatric case manager. They would be able to assist with getting a team established and handle the stuff you are not comfortable with. They are usually social workers and have seen all sorts of situations and dealt with all types of personalities.
I do understand every client's family are different situations, some family don't offer meals at all,so hired caregivers(work for 48-72 hours) bring own foods....I am lucky one I don't have to bring food and I have three meals a day with my client. Of course I do buy my favorite coffee or some snacks.
Every household wants to save money.... If you have to hire paid caregiver from out side what would you like to do? Happy Valentine's Day!! Sue
When I start this job my client's meds was all in bathroom med cabinet.... I saw Ms J was trying to open Rx for herself that she already had taken, since then I moved all her meds to CG's room.... Her family member was so surprise that Ms J was let me move her meds!! It has been almost 2 years, no problem yet!!! Like LadeeM( hi Linda) said CYA...... Good luck !!
First of all, I take directions from the family.... I am working for them... they know their elder better than I do....as long as the elders care is first and foremost, I do as I am asked.... I may tweek it some, according to my own way of caregiving, but always tell the family what I am proposing....it is usually met with approval....
I see my role as coming in to ''assist' the family...this is a double edged sword for me as my last job was a nightmare....but I became attached to my elder and put up with a lot of crap.....but each job teaches me something... I am a long term caregiver, meaning I usually am there for the 'duration'.... meaning, until some one dies or the family chooses to return to the helm..have had no job lasting less than a year...
I don't do activiites in my present job, as I am working night.... I have always been a 'day' caregiver, and am taking a much needed break working days...
I am professional with the family,but living in Central Texas, we are a little more laid back, and therefore it's not as rigid as some situations... and a lot of it depends on how much the family wants to interact with the caregiver. Some just want you to do your job, others make it more personal... I always let the family set the tone for that....
With this job, I am making sure L is taken care of during the night... she had LBD and needs supervision and assistance to go to the bathroom... redirected to go back to bed.... like last night, at midnight... she said, "you said supper was ready".....so its about letting her know it's the middle of the night, but she will get a great breakfast when she gets up....her husband is totally self sufficient, I assist him if he asks me too..... that was our agreement.....
There are some things I will not do, or some things I will not tolerate.... I am not being paid to be at the beck and call of family members for their wants and needs..... I consider this job, a sitter... and my duties are limited..... but have always worked days and that is another story.... I have been blessed with a few good families, like the one I am working for now... but the last one was chaos from day one.... why did I stay??? I'm still working on that one...... maybe to teach me what my limitations are....that is still a work in progress for me....
Thank you for asking these important questions and being willing to hear the caregivers side of things.... let us know if you have more questions.... sending you hugs ...... PS... will come back when I am more rested and share what I do during day shifts... going back to bed !!
If you just need to vent that is fine too, someone will have words of comfort and advice. Again welcome and blessings
LadeeC
Also if you have significant personal assets you might want to form yourself into a corporation. If you plan to fly under the radar that is up to you. This is a pure guess but at least $100 a year but it is several years since I carried it.
Psteigman is a mine of information on this sort of thing so maybe she knows