I don't get this martyr sydrome.
So many of you write detailing your struggle to care for your parents in your home - to the point it consumes your whole life and ruins your other relationships. Didn't your parent live apart from you before they got sick? There are great assisted living facilities available. Yes, it will be an adjustment for them but moving into YOUR home will be an adjustment too! Neither is "home" for them. So, before you tie yourself into a martyr situation, do your research. It is really frustrating to read letter after letter from people who know what they should do but don't! And, no, your situation is not special. Have you considered your parent may not even want to live with you and your rowdy bunch? If you want them to live with you, and all that entails, why are you complaining here? My vent is over.
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I see it has become a place of knowing everyone's circumstances and judging them and their choices. That makes it hard for people who are desperately seeking help, to trust that they will not be judged for their questions,story or choices. Very sad. I hope new comers do not think you represent all here.
Shell you gave a great and true response. Thank you.
I am so sorry for my comment. I was a little put off by your questions. I didn't realize what you had been through. I thought you didn't understand. But I just looked at some of your history and yes you certainly do understand and have been through an awful time. Your questions are absolutely valid. I'm so sorry for my defensiveness. My sincere sympathy for you and your mom.
Some say we have a choice and other say "I had no choice". Well yes and no. You have to be secure enough to live with the consequences of your choice. And for some that could mean they have no choice.
I am an only child. And I do have a choice. I know I could never live with my father. He would take over my whole life and I would resent ever second of it. I know I am not in a position where I could give up my job and marriage to cater to him. Notice I said cater. He is in assisted living and his needs are being met better than I could do on my own. I was his go to person for quite a few years when he lived on his own. In the end he really ran me ragged. Multiple trips to the ER for minor injuries, falls or my favorite....for no good reason other than he was bored. He refused to find alternatives to doctor appointments. I had to do it all. I finally put my foot down when he wanted to see the same doctor twice in one day and had no clue that was a major inconvenience to me.
My pet peeve is those who complain about a sibling not doing enough or anything at all. Sure it isn't fair. But that does not mean YOU have to do it all. Find other resources. Just because Mom doesn't want a cleaning lady to come in ...that doesn't mean you have to do it. We all have to live with the consequences of our actions including our parents. You wouldn't tolerate certain behaviors from your children but when our parents do it, that is a different story.
We all have to find a life balance. Figure out what you can do and still take care of yourself and that is all you cal do. If they still need more then professional help needs to be considered. Giving up one's life so a parent can age in place or have the illusion of independence helps no one.
I'd guess it's often a generational thing, where adult children-- and almost always it's the daughters-- are expected to give up their lives to take care of their parents. A friend of mine had older parents (she was a late-life "oops" baby) and even in her teens, her mother would mention how she "would be the one taking care of us when we're old and gray"-- and they already were old and gray! Her brothers, however, could go live their lives as they wished.
So there's part of my vent ^^^.
But the underlying fact is that AC is set up to be an anonymous support site. The entire point of the website is to help regular people who are at any stage of the process of elder care. It's a messy topic by its nature.
In my humble opinion, some people can major in the minors when it comes to caregiving. But this is part and parcel of caregiving life, too! The small things add up to feel like this big weight. It's SO much easier to have logical perspective when we're outside of the situation, and that's why this site works well imo. You can roll your eyes to yourself, ok then, but then keep it moving and allow someone the space to hand-wring if that's what is helping them sift through messy emotions surrounding elder care topics.
It's messy. It's case-by-case. There are some never-ending tales of woe on here that I frankly don't believe are true, but are instead some poor, lonely soul who is bored and wants to get some attention on this site. In the end, does it matter why/what people post? It's an anonymous support site, and that fact isn't changing.
Either be supportive, or don't, no one makes us do one or the other, however there's definitely no need to be directly negative to anyone else.... not saying you are doing that, Katie. I'm talking in generalities about this site and the posters here. You're welcome to ignore any poster whose stories/situations don't jive with you for whatever reason. (Reminder to self.... 🙄)
In the end, erring on the side of being kind and assuming the best about others is the right way. I hope I will always come back to that baseline approach.
I guess I needed to vent a little, too. I don't offer nearly as much help to others as some on here, and I figure if you brave and smart souls can keep it moving through all the different kinds of posters/people that are on AC, then so can I. Some of you are truly good examples. I'm grateful for the nice people who make up this site.
What am I rambling about lol...? Hugs.
Whether we are caring for a LO out of love and compassion, or out of poor decisions from our parents what difference does it make? We as caregivers have the right to vent about whatever this disease(s) has caused in our living situation. No one here thought as a young adult "hey, I hope my parents get a disease that makes them lose their minds, and have no financial plan, so we can grow up and have to make tough decisions and have our lives ruined!" And by the way, just because we complain or vent doesn't mean we don't love or care about them. The last time I check this was the place to come to for support and no judgement. But all I have seen here is judgement not from everyone but enough to make me wonder...people being judge because they had a loving mother where most of us didn't, but God forbid if we should be happy for them! Another is if someone took in a LO or moved in with a LO than what...we are trying to be marters? Again judgement!
No, it could be call "having little to no choice...not every city has the same resources and Medicaid may not always be the answer. Do I dare say that every situation comes with very different variables. What one solution may work for one person may not work for another. But that is life!
Furthermore, what are we to do because the last I knew there wasn't a place to drop off your elderly parent and forget them. No matter how bad of a parent they were, or how bad they have become that we *as humans beings* we cannot just walk away from them as if they never matter.
My final thought, if the LO is in the beginning or middle stage of Alz/ dementia or some other crippling disease but yet have enough to say, "what they want or don't want," than what? Are we to drag them to a IL, AL, NH and forget their rights...oh wait...we have the right to just walk away and leave them to their own devices and hope for the best! But again we would be judge for being inhumane!
And your right we are not special but our circumstances might be. As the old saying goes " don't judge another unless you have walked a mile in their shoes."
I am sorry that you are so frustrated by reading our post after post just think how frustrating it is for us trying to make the best out of a bad situation and having people tell us what we should do without asking them for their 2 cents. I am so glad that you can see things black and white with no gray area, and have all the answers.
This is not intended for those of you who are supported (not being judgemental), nor is it for those who answer questions to the best of your knowledge. It is for those...well you know who you are!
I'm out...peace!
Not to mention that their choices may not be anything like as attractive or as obvious as you assume them to be.
I do sympathise wth your frustration to an extent, but I don't see how a 150 word victim kicking spree is going to clear anyone's mind.
Yes, in theory we should all just shut up and deal with it.
In reality, some of us are struggling to help LO make that transition to "elderly and dependent" and do NOT have financial depth to place our LO in places that are posh and lovely and perfect. In fact, I imagine very few people can realistically afford those.
Sometimes a 'stay' after a surgery simply becomes long term care. Sometimes there just are no other options for care, but to have the LO home.
Everyone's situation is as unique as the individual they're caring for. Don't slam us for trying to do the right thing--we all have different dynamics and family situations.
I think you're being a tad harsh on people. MANY of us simply cannot "put mom away" and go on with life. Some day you'll be old, I hope your LO take a kinder view of your care.
If you are a single only child like me you have less of a choice. Since I was a child both parents have been in and out of hospital with various illnesses, some minor, some serious. There was help when I was younger but as I got older it was clear that the main responsibility was on my shoulders. I managed to combine it with full time work and even did a degree by night but my mother was having major surgery while I was doing my final exams. I never got to use my degree because their health got shaky after that. My father is narcissistic and make my mother's life hell so I felt I had to stay around to give her moral support.
Don't judge until you walk in another person's shoes. I hope you manage to escape what most of us here have to deal with in varying degrees.
If they are doing the "right thing," then the implication is quite clear that others are doing the "wrong" thing.
Some people give up their lives, their health, their marriages, and their futures (including financial security) by becoming the 24/7 caregiver. I wonder if they have really thought the implications of this, particularly when it is THEM needing 24/7 caregiving someday. Will they expect their kids to then become THEIR 24/7 caregivers? Oh, many parents say no, but then when the time comes they most certainly DO expect that.