My mother moved in with me and my wife March 1st, 2023 until August 18th, 2023. She was moving back from SC to KS. My wife and I have been married 15 years and together 18 years. My mom was suppose to stay short term until she found her own place.
On April 10th, 2023 I hung up my social services hat and opened up my life long dream business with my childhood friend. 8 days later my father unexpectedly passed away. (Mom and Dad have been divorced since late 1980s)
So, on my plate I had my mother living with me, opening up a new business, my father passing away, dealing with funeral arrangements, and dealing with the estate and the legalities of that(I’m an only child). My wife and I hired a contractor and from the end of April to August remodeled my fathers home, so my wife and I can move into it and get out of the apartment where we were currently living with my mom.
My mom was suppose to be making arrangements and finding a place to live. My mother works from home processing medical claims and she also sold her home within the first 30 days of being at my house.
We got into a heated argument around May and I thought I made it clear that when the remodel is done and we move, she was not coming with us. This was suppose to be a new chapter in my wife and I’s life. I also told her August 19th is our move date.
On August 18, I was helping her take boxes to her car. She asked me why wasn’t she welcomed to come with us to our new place. My response was “because it’s time Mom”. As were walking to the stairs she said you have helped so many people in your life, I never thought in my life I would be kicked out by my own son!! I got upset and went for a walk to clear my head. As I was out in a walk she packed up the rest of her things and told my wife well you guys will be happier if I’m not around and she left and went and rented a hotel room.
another note, she took medical leave from her at work from home job. She needed to have a small back surgery and said she could august or September. We told her August is not a good month because we are all moving, I have alot going on with the store with the college students coming back, etc.
So, we moved into our new home (my dad’s house) it’s great and we love it. We’re happy to have our home and life back.
my moms back surgery she scheduled for Aug 23rd. I couldn’t take her because of my business. So I helped coordinate a ride to Kansas City for her. She stayed at the hotel for a couple weeks and ended up staying with some life long couple friend outside of town. She has still been guilt tripping me and asking what she did so wrong that I can’t live with her and I just kept saying, I just needed my space back and didn’t want a roommate anymore. I still love her, she is my mother….i just don’t want her to live with me!!!
please give me some feedback!!
You're not cold-hearted to want to live separately from her. I think that's natural and normal.
If your mother were unable to live on her own, then that would be a different story, but I'm gleaning from what you write that she is able. So in my opinion she should find her own home.
I'm 64 and have no desire to live with either of my two children, whom I adore.
You are the son many of us wish we had had.
I would encourage you to encourage her to get into therapy.
Speak to her in "I" statements, i.e.,
'I hear you saying ... " (this is not agreeing with her statement, it shows you are listening and validating what she says - it is not making any judgment as to right or wrong) - it helps maintain your stance / position of / to set boundaries with her and gives her validation of being heard.
Give yourself credit and validation for what and how you have supported her to this point. Never discount that or question your caring for your mom. And, many of us are FOREVER tested due to another's fears and feelings of neediness / insecurities. Often we need to be tested to realize "I can do this!" - and in the moment when presented with that 'option' (or pushed in a corner to accept it), we learn who we are inside and what we can do.
It sounds like your mom needs a support network (to build one / reaching out to others in the community, church, wherever and whatever) vs leaning on you as she has been. While it won't feel good to her now, in the long run, she will learn she has a strength / and strengths she didn't realize she has. This is something that you 'can't tell her' - she'll need to experience it in real time.
During this transition, give her space to get reacquainted with herself.
She may (or may not) come around over time. Do not have expectations of her / the future. Know and trust that you did / are doing all you can. We cannot 'make' a person change or be the best they can be - that is up to them. It is up to all of us and it is a hard lesson for many of us to learn - that we cannot blame another for who we are. We deal with the deck we are dealt with in life - and some of us had a very hard time changing from how we were raised (I certainly did / do and it is a life-long process). In any case, your mom needs to learn lessons that you cannot teach her; she'll get there ... if she wants to put the work into it / the quality of her life.
You are a lovely person and a wonderful son.
Gena / Touch Matters
Anyway, miraculously, my situation changed. And I learned that I could reach out, live outside of my comfort zone, and change lifelong behaviors (mostly, forcing myself to get out into a community in a new state and small town, and socialize).
I'm overjoyed that my situation changed, and pinch myself continuously that it's real. And/but I'm equally overjoyed that I did get to a place of modest equanimity, on my own.
I pray the same for Jeremy's mom!
Mom, I love you and you have done nothing wrong but I can’t fill dad’s place. You need a retirement community with your own space, access to new friends and social events that fit your lifestyle. Down the road you may need one story living. I can’t give you any of this.
You need a son who can visit and enjoy having lunch with you instead of a harried unavailable frustrated new business owner/caregiver.
I was thinking about bereavement too.
They weren’t even together and she’s working the guilt. Your Dads presence probably stopped her taking over sooner.
She’s putting you in the position that you have to say something.
I have a friend that invites himself to every thing, I have to decline his self invitation bc it’s not appropriate he goes to these events. He’s hoping it’ll be too awkward and I won’t say anything lol
Your friend sounds like a very lonely man indeed.
Your doing the right thing.
You are right in setting boundaries and being up front and honest with your mother that the three of you are not going to be living together.
The guilt-tripping/martyrdom on your mother's end is ridiculous and I'm glad you and your wife did not let it manipulate you into moving her in with you.
Here's the part you may not like. You or your wife could have taken a day and brought your mother for her back surgery. One of you could have done that. She is after all, your mother.
As I say, if you have 20 people in a room dealing with the same situation, you will find 20 different responses - because everyone is different --- has their own life-long / childhood triggers (that go with a person into adulthood until they are dealt w/processed), different family dynamics, different personal situations, and different levels of internal processing / healing.
While the awareness of owning one's feeling of GUILT is or shows psychological and emotional maturity, it still feels 'bad' to most of us. We do not want to feel it as we tell ourselves that we S -H-O-U-L-D feel differently - do something differently (that little nagging voice in our head).
Still by owning how we feel - and the decisions we make (as a result) in life, create our authenticity and wholeness.
Life is messy. Likely not one of us doesn't 'feel' the "Oh, I should have... why didn't I ... I wish I had ... in retrospect. This is life.
We do the best we can in any given moment. Finding healing through awareness and personal responsibility create more inner peace. I've learned over decades that one of the most powerful words - and behaviors - for me is forgiveness. Forgive myself and others. Clear the slate for a new day moving into awe and wonder. Learning along the way.
What else can we do? Appreciate the moment(s) and do the best you can in each one of them. And, love yourself.
Gena / Touch Matters
Its time for her to be on her own.
Prayers
You say nowhere that you helped Mom with the move. So, Mom was able to line up a realtor to sell her house, clean it out, pack it up and move it all, at least 18 hrs away. So Mom is no shrinking violet. She has the proceeds from her house sale and probably makes good money doing Medical claims. No overhead on her part. She can work in her PJs. Doesn't need work wardrobe. No need for extra gas and wear and tear on a car. Next year at 62 she can get 75% of her SS and still make 17k a year doing her claims. 4 yrs Medicare comes in. Mom will be OK.
People who work from home can't do it in pajamas. When you're on a Zoom meeting people can see you. Professional people don't work in their pajamas.
Just keep telling yourself, its Mom not you. Come back with an update.
She is 61 and I assume in decent health. Way too early for her to ‘retire’ to your home and be waited on hand and foot.
If she knew it was temporary, she has no right to pout and accuse you of being mean. You didn’t pull the rug out from under her.
Nice try mom.
Turn the situation back on her and ask why she lied you in the first place, her very own son??
61 is waaaaaay too young to be living with ones children, for petesake! Perhaps mother needs a good therapist or psychiatrist to help her work thru all of her issues.
Best of luck in your new home and with your new business.
Has she always been emotionally needy and depressed? Is she getting help with that?
So don't give it another thought and if she keeps trying to make you feel guilty about it you may have to limit your availability to talk to her, as she can only make you feel guilty if you allow it. So quit allowing it!!!
Best wishes in your newly remodeled house and living and enjoying your life with your wife.
As for mom, she’ll have to fend for herself. Once she gets out and about, perhaps she’ll have a social life and won’t obsess about living with you.
And you are going to have to stop running away from addressing this solidly, openly and completely honest.
As in "Mom, my wife and I have no intention of living with you ever again. That is a fact. You can chalk it up to our limitations. We do not wish to live with our elders. It will not ever happen. We will not argue or explain this issue and do not intend to speak of it again." Period. End of sentence.
You are very lucky you got your mom out of your home. Do not let her in again, and do not discuss reasons "why". They lead to argument. Simply tell her that you do not intend to live with her or with any other relation.
This will mean that your mom will know she will have to get her own living circumstances, whatever they are. Rent a room with someone; get a roommate; buy a condo; go into ALF. Whatever it is make it clear that you care for her and are willing to help her get settled, but that she will not now or ever again be living with you. If she needs a reason WHY tell her that you simple "are not a very nice person". That should do it.
Your Mother is trying to wedge her foot into the door. Please don't let her. You have had a happy escape. It won't be as easy again.