Am I the bad daughter?

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Am I the bad daughter?

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I am asking my mother to move out, however she feels so angry towards me she feels lied to and hurt. She had a bad childhood where she was in care so moved around homes and never felt secure. When I bought this house and she came with me she said she felt secure and safe and now it's being ripped away from her. However, as much as I tried to give her the home she always wanted, it caused me to cease my life in a lot of ways. There is no way I could have friends around, even when the builder turns up she is hostile towards them. I could not pursue a relationship if I met someone. She would become very hostile towards them as I have tried this before and it caused the relationship to crumble . But I do feel bad as when we lived apart she had a relationship with a man who was probably a psychopath. I felt this overwhelming need to protect her once she went through hell and this is why after my studies I moved back to town into her rented flat. It was always my plan to buy somewhere and I felt I couldn't leave her alone, so she was included in looking around properties etc she helped choose the house. The mortgage etc is all in my name. So now after 5 years living together (2.5 being in the purchased property) I feel I need to pursue my own life. I might want to move away again, I'm feeling stuck in this town and although my career is going well I feel I could pursue better things within my career elsewhere. I'm also terrified that I'll wake up in 20 years time and she will be elderly and ill be caring for her during the end of her life, then when she is gone it'll just be me and I'll look back I never moved I never pursued a relationship I never forged friendships, I just gave my life to support and love my mum. The thing is I do love her but by asking her to move she has vilified me, she thinks I've let her down and she is heart broken, she says she has never been this hurt in her life. So I guess by trying to help her I've actually not done a good thing. I'm so stuck. I'm at a cross roads and I don't know what to do. Get her to leave and potentially damage our relationship and become a villain in her eyes. Or let her stay and say goodbye to any aspirations I may have had. The house is crammed full of her stuff, I don't even feel this is my home. I wish I could just run away I'm so confused and hurt and depressed with it all.

Burnout Care Decisions Family Caregiver Multi-generational Living

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Not everyone is suited to live alone. She may feel safer & more secure in community style living.

Is Mum old enough, or able to access some sort of group living? Eg Independent unit in an place that also has Assisted Living? So lots of social groups, bus trips etc?

My DH Grandmother moved into something like that. No maintenance or lawns to do. She took many senior bus trips & had a ball.

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It’s hard to guess the ages of both of you, and your finances, but this is a suggestion that might help. Find a nice Assisted Living or Senior Living place. Then develop a need for her to have a month of respite care there. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or fake – just something that means she has to leave your house for a month. Take her there, and make contact nil or minimal.

With luck, this could have some benefits for you both:
1) She may find that she enjoys the company and the activities.
2) She may be reassured that it can be permanent – if the money is there, she is not a child sent to another foster home, and not a mother who lives with you on sufferance.
3) You may find that the break helps you to feel better, and to work out a longer term strategy.

At some level, you both know that it is NOT her child’s responsibility to “give her the home she always wanted”. She is old enough, and young enough, to take charge of her own life.

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Why would a person your age feel so insecure that needs approval?

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Being the offspring of a parent like this works a number on your self esteem. It's hard to explain unless you've been there.

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Thank you so much for your replies. They have really helped

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And thank you for being responsive. So often there are questions and the OP (original poster) doesn't comment, explain, participate ever again. It makes us question "reality" when that happens. It's a pleasure to have someone come on who really participates. Stick around, answer questions and participate. Your own story can so help others.

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It sounds like the relationship is switched. You are the parent and Mom is the kid. I'm sure she didn't feel loved or had a stable parent in her life while growing up. However, it doesn't help you or her if she relies on you to be and do everything.

She doesn't like you having friends or possible relationships because those will 'take you away' from her. She has serious abandonment issues. A therapist would help her but if she's just putting blame on you, she's not going to hear it when she's told to deal with things on her own.

You're a good daughter for loving her and wanting her to be well. Thing is, you can't make up for her bad childhood. You can help her and be there when she needs you, but you can't give her the life she should have had. No one can.

Could frame it in a different light. "Mom, I know you've had a rough life. But you have so many years ahead of you and great things to experience! You won't be able to do those things if you stay with me forever." Remind her that you are not leaving her or abandoning her.

Most parents are happy when their kids forge their own life. If she were mentally sound, she wouldn't have wanted to live with you. Or she would have totally understood that you needed to be on your own. But since she is the child here, all she hears is "I'm kicking you out."

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Your mother treats you abusively. It may be unintentional and she doesn't see it that way, but she is abusive.
It's time for the two of you to live separately. Believe me it will be the best thing for both of you.
She will vilify you because that's how she manipulates and controls you to make sure the status quo is maintained so nothing will change. As much as you love your mom and want to do right by her because she had a hard life, enabling her this way isn't doing her any favors. Ruining your life it will not change her tragic past. It will not give her a happy life now. You are not responsible for her happiness.
Get out now while your mother is still young enough to make some kind of life for herself and while you are still young enough to enjoy a life.
I totally relate to your story because my mother is exactly like yours. Only she did not have a hard life like your mom. She came from a loving family and was a daddy's girl. She is just a miserable and negative person. She almost ruined my life and I almost let her. My first marriage broke up mostly because of her misery and neediness. I didn't see or speak to her for almost six years. I didn't have her at my wedding when I remarried.
I have a relationship with my mother that's good enough. Not a great one because that's not possible for us.
If you want to have a relationship with your mother that's healthy and based on love and mutual respect, the two of you have to separate. If you don't the only relationship you will have with her will be based on resentment, shared misery, and regret for all the things you missed out on because of her. Then all of that will turn to hate.
The two of you need to separate.

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Thank you for response BC,
I also have parental relationships that are good enough. Not great but good enough. I can live with that.

V.

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AlvaDeer and others who advise you to get counseling are in my opinion right on the money. This mentally unhealthy relationship with your mother has lasted your whole life and won't be solved by kicking her out. And I'm betting your mother, as another commenter pointed out, needs psychological attention too. Ask your doctor for a recommendation. A licensed family therapist could be a good place to start. Licensed clinical social workers can also be helpful. I personally would not recommend a psychiatrist at this point. And realize that if the first therapist or psychologist doesn't seem to be helping you can always look for another. The end game here will be to start your own life and allow your mother to lead hers.

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Have you been blunt with Mom or do you keep it all in. Have you told her she is hostile to people and you have no relationships because she is so mean to everyone. You don't say how old Mom is but in 20 yrs she will be elderly so 50 or 60? She is still young enough to care for herself. She actually should have a life of her own. You should be just 2 ships passing in the night. When you have company, she should go to her room. You should not be her everything. If she is under 65, she should be working.

If you haven't laid it on the line, you need to. Of course she is hurt and probably scared. But she needs to realize her hostility towards people is unexceptable. She can't be your whole life. Thats not how it is suppose to work. You need a life to come and go as you please. To enjoy having friends over. She needs to know her place in your life. Tell her things have changed in the last 5 years. You have realized that you can't live there anymore. You need to move on. You would like to have a relationship with someone. And living with a parent, its not going to happen. Tell her you will help her find a nice apt. Help her move in and decorate. You are not going to abandoned her completely but she needs to allow you to grow.

You don't need to care physically for her when she is elderly. Just make sure she is safe and cared for. You need to make it clear to her now, that there will be no physical caring.

When you get her all settled in, maybe try and fit in some Mom and daughter time. Set those boundries though for you and stick to them. Maybe set up a time of day to "check in". Tell her no constant calls especially when your working. Set her up with the Senior Van to take her shopping and to Dr appts. There are bus tours where they go places for the day. You meet nice people on them.

Yes, using her childhood as an excuse for the rest of her life has to stop. Yes, it scars you. You don't have that stability, that security. Maybe some therapy would help Mom.

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I'm sure you were trying to help, and I'm sure you do love your mother and sympathize with all her difficulties; but you're right, you have actually not done a good thing. You have unintentionally done a damaging thing, which I'm sure is the opposite of what you wanted to happen. You let your mother imagine you'd made a forever home for her where you and she would be a couple ever after, and the time has come where you can't keep that fantasy going any longer. Of course you can't, and anyway it wouldn't be healthy or sustainable, but she only feels that she's being dumped *again*...

But there it is, and here we are. Having made a mistake is no reason whatsoever to continue with it, it's just that you can't expect putting it right to be easy or, sadly, painless.

I'm guessing from the timeline (studies, career progress) you give that you're in your mid- to late twenties? So your mother is in her late forties/fifties?

Can we go back a bit, to what was going on before you went away to study? Was it just you and her, or was there any other family around?

Don't be hurt, don't be depressed, and above all don't take anything that gets said right now too much to heart. This is a mess, it wants sorting out, and you WILL get it sorted in a way that is much better for both of you. It's going to take time, thought and perspective - with possibly help from friends and counsellors and maybe other professionals too - that's all.

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Thank you for that. I said to my therapist that sometimes when making what you feel is a good decision, you unknowing make a bad one. I lived apart from her for over 10 years in another city, then came back after the hell she went through and felt this overwhelming need to protect her. However she is a strong healthy woman and we both need that independence, but due to this childhood trauma it masks her seeing this. It is going to be hard for sure.

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I would get some therapy to help you comb out a way to disengage from all of this and move on with a quality life. This will take a good deal of work as we form habitual ways of acting and reacting that keep us mired in a KNOWN but uncomfortable situation. It is difficult to change our lives and to move into the UNknown. You will need professional help to do that. The advice of a forum will provide a sympathetic ear, but it will not help you do what needs to be done now.
You Mom has got enough mileage out of her "difficult childhood". Seems she has used that as an excuse for a difficult life, and for making the lives of all in her surrounds difficult as well. It is unlikely she will change. She will continue with her litany of "woe is me; the world is so unfair" likely for the rest of her life. You will have to learn to hear that without being RESPONSIBLE for it
I wish you the best of luck and hope you will get a good therapist who will help guide you in new ways of reacting, of thinking, and of living.

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I see my Mother go down to 'woe is me'. She needs just a little nudge to look up & SEE there are pathways up.

This is relatively recent & mild (brought on by illness) but can be turned quickly. Underneath she has resilience & coping skills.

I can see how a lifetime of shifting stability could make deeper ingrained habits of frailty. Wanting others to protect/save.

I agree with your advice. Some life coaching/councelling could benefit both the OP & her Mum.

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It is a good thing for you to pursue a normal life and your mother to pursue an independent life. There is a limit to caregiving and you cannot put your life on hold forever and be manipulated by your mother. It almost sounds like she views you like a spouse that she wants to control (bad). You have done enough and she needs to make her own way in the world. You can still help out with small things but you need to live your life. You are not a bad person. You have helped her out for 5 years and put your life on hold, that seems like a massive good deed and its enough.

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Why is her life more important than yours?

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What I always wonder in regard to my parents, who did not provide the full time they expect from our sister, who gave up her job, and has taken the job of keeping them safe, to a new level. We are not in charge. She is.

What you describe is def what you have to look forward to. You will be doing everything, before you know it, cause the more you do, the more our mom wants done for her. Yours sounds the same. Our mom is super nice, needy, not confidant and she needs her daughter and husband, relies on them very much. My mom puts out her foot, and expects her slipper, shoe, etc. to get put on, with no effort on her part, and my youngest two sisters began this service way too early. Enabling mom has not been healthy or motivating for mom. Tempt her with sweets and pastries, and she can be persuaded. This is not putting my mom down, just telling you how it works between my sister and mom. I’m too old to think this is ok, but it is none of my business.

Our mom is mostly immobile, incontinent, and has many health issues, dementia being one. Dad is in better shape, but only wants to be next to mom, and probably cause that us where she wants him as well. I lost my train of thought, sorry, but wanted you to know that you can only do so much. Take care of you. DROP THE GUILT. You don’t owe your life to your elders. You matter too. Take care.

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dear OP,
:)

you wrote, "then when she is gone, it'll just be me and i'll look back I never moved I never pursued a relationship I never forged friendships, I just gave my life to support and love my mum."

please don't let this happen. i'm sure you won't. you'll have a beautiful, full, successful life. :)

"say goodbye to any aspirations I may have had."

no, definitely don't let go of any aspiration. you were given life to live a full life!

you were/are extremely kind to your mother. you lived with her/helped her for years.

sometimes it's really hard to find the right solution. the 1st step can be, to eliminate all the options that are out of the question. hug! :)

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it is a very difficult situation but no, you are certainly not a bad daughter, you cared enough to take her in. she needs therapy and psychiatric care to deal with her life of trauma, you can't be her human anti-anxiety drug. you deserve your own life and happiness and clearly that will never happen as long as she's living with you. don't allow guilt to suck you into a life of despair. help her find a place and some therapy but do not sacrifice your young life for her.

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Your mother is mentally ill. Your mother needs far more support than you (or any non-professional) can give her at this time.

This does not make you responsible for her.

Does she recognize that HER behavior is what is causing you to no longer live with you? Or does she think that hoarding and hostility towards your friends is normal?

Start by getting your mom psychiatric help.

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No. Boot her out and retake control of your life.

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Am I the bad daughter?

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