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I am the fiduciary for my father. I do nearly everything and have for the past five years. The last thing I received from my parents was $500 when I finished graduate school (which I paid for myself) 30 years ago. My sibling is an entirely different story. My parents have paid for schooling for them, their children, vacations, entertainment, etc. My sibling is the greediest person I've ever met and their motto seems to be, "why pay for something myself when I can get someone else to pay for it?" even though they have plenty of money to live a nice life. For example, they have retired 10 years early and are planning a vacation in excess of six figures.



Once again, they are demanding that I share my father's financial situation and essentially audit my oversight of his finances. I am not inclined to subject myself to this scrutiny and can only see the motivation as greed in anticipation of future payout. I am sick to death of this person and the stress and anxiety they cause for me. I'm inclined to say, "pound sand." I'm insulted. I fear I may have to cut them out of my life.



I anticipate my father will have enough to cover his care, but I am not God. He is 89. What shall I say to my sibling? I want to draw a clear line and have this nonsense STOP. I have had an attorney involved in drawing up a trust. I am happy to have the attorney see all of my work. But I am not going to bow to my sibling's demands and want to make that clear.

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Updates— Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. I really appreciate it! As information, I can say with confidence that there is no way this person would ever pitch in financially for my father’s care. Way too self-absorbed for that. In the past I did share generalities, but not any longer. I was supposed to meet with X and provide all the documentation they demanded (and demanded is the right word), but I made an excuse and cancelled. Cue the rage… Interestingly enough, their focus was only on gaining access to his investment accounts, not his AL invoices or Rx bills. Demanded user ID/PW.

This person has been entitled and self-absorbed their entire life. I am not inclined to subject myself to their audit, nor do I feel obligated to gather/copy records for them. My bookkeeping is pretty methodical— I haven’t kept every receipt, but I do have a spreadsheet that ticks and ties to the penny. All of dad’s finances are separate. I do not pay myself, save for an occasional tank of gas (verbal agreement with dad). Dad is about 4 hours round trip drive away.

In the interest of being somewhat civil, I did say — “One of my responsibilities as fiduciary is to maintain confidentiality. Best to contact dad's attorney. He can help alleviate your concerns.” Cue intensified rage, to which I replied, “My records are very transparent... and legal. Blocking you until you've had a chance to calm down.” Unfortunately, this may have to be permanent. Sad, but this person is taking up way too much headspace and is starting to affect my physical health. If they weren’t a sibling, we would never be friends. I really don’t care for them and haven’t for a very long time.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2023
You haven’t done anything wrong, so you don’t owe any explanation to your sibling. You are the person in control of finances. Your sibling has no other choice but to accept this.

Do your best to put this behind you. You mentioned that it is starting to affect your health. Please don’t allow your sibling to rob you of your health. They aren’t worth that.

Best wishes to you.
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When my partner's adult children asked me, his POA, for info on finances I sent an email with details about his current status with dementia, the behaviors and decline that I see everyday. Toward the end of that message I wrote, "Oh, on rereading your request I see you really wanted to know about the money. But I am sure that your primary question is about your dad's health and well-being. So I will send this anyway." I wrote a very short paragraph on the finances...."he has enough unless he lives forever". Keep records. Respond in writing. Tell sibling about the health status. Good luck to you.
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bundleofjoy Jan 2023
grrrrreat reply to his children.
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You are your father's fiduciary and handling the money needed to care for him. Your sibling is probably just trying to find ways to claim some of your father's money for him or herself. Minimize contact and response to your sibling. Continue to meet your father's needs, work with an attorney or trust advisor as you see fit. Your sibling in not involved.
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Just sweetly say, "Oh, beans burning, have to go, love you, bye" or "My door bell is ringing have to go, love you". I had to get nasty, hopefully, you don't.
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PoofyGoof Jan 2023
Unfortunately, I have had to be very clear and firm. And as you can imagine, it went over like a ton of bricks. At this point, I’m not sure I will ever speak to them again. While it is sad, as I think about it, they have brought nothing but grief and stress to my life, so maybe it’s for the best.
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My sibling is not involved in my father’s personal care. He lives very close, I live very far away. I manage it from a distance. He just won’t do it. He can’t handle it. My father is difficult, I get it, but I can’t accept that as an excuse anymore. Unless there is an “emergency” he says. Otherwise he is mostly hands off. I have POA and am handling the finances. He has asked me a few times about money and I just say, “when you chose to be more involved in dad’s day to day care to take some of the stress of of me and do what’s right by him I will keep you informed of the money situation. You don’t get to chose which part of his care you get to participate in. It’s all or nothing.”

And yes, I pay myself when I need to. Such as when I have to travel to see him and spend a few weeks with him and therefore can’t work. If my brother has an issue with that, he can pound sand.
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Don't fear cutting this person out of your life - look forward to it with joyful glee. Refuse to deal with them. You don't need to announce it, you don't have to confide in others, you don't have to do anything for them. Just act as if they don't exist. It works!
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PoofyGoof Jan 2023
I really like this! Thank you!!!
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I can’t imagine how stressful this must be for you. I admire you for trying to be civil but I am sure that it is becoming difficult.

Do you have to be involved with your sibling? If you don’t, then I think that I would focus my attention on your dad.

You don’t owe any explanation to your sibling.

Best wishes to you and your father.
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PoofyGoof Jan 2023
I think this is exactly what I’m going to do.
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Spend it all on him, if he has too much to spend try harder. Massages, therapies, musical performances in his home or care center. Chef to prepare his meals and Brad Pitt to feed him. Send copies of the receipts to your sibling. If it’s your dads money spend it on him. Leave nothing in the table.
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sp19690 Jan 2023
That would be fun but OP should also be compensated for taking care of dad (if they are). That includes handling his money not just wiping his behind.
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Here's what I told my sister, "I'm not allowed to discuss anyone else's finances, but if you want to ask them directly you can." One other time I had to tell her that if I was doing her finances I wouldn't discuss with anyone either, then repeated the above statement about her asking them directly. We both knew that they couldn't give her a complete picture, but at least this way she was clear that I would be respecting their privacy.
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PoofyGoof Jan 2023
I certainly don’t put it past this person to badger dad directly, but that would be very sad and stressful for him.
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You are handling your father's affairs that's legal confidential and none of your sibling's business. Ignore what your sibling says and cut him off. Money is just a label, not love.
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