What should I do if my mom is accusing me of taking money from an envelope which contained money?

"aging justice system" should have read "senior-conscientious" probably. The point is there are a lot of checks and balances in place to protect our aging population--thank goodness. But that means everyone is suspect when it comes to watching out for the "best interest" of the seniors who need care givers.

For wuvsicecream and ayagba - being in a similar situation with my mother believing that I am trying to commit her, I've done a lot of research and spoken to a social worker and a therapist and I can tell you that you should NOT reinforce a false belief like you are stealing from her. She can become very agitated and paranoid about you if you do that which ultimately does effect your ability to properly care for her, just as aaeden has experienced. You should also NOT argue with her or be defensive even though the accusations hurt. Just redirect or if redirection doesn't work say something to calm the underlying anxiety. Like "as your #1 loving child, I'm going to hunt that money down until I find where it walked off to". Agreeing that you're stealing from her is NOT the same thing as agreeing it is raining. Aaeden, I'm not sure how far your mom's delusion about you has gone that she won't let you take her to the dr or get Rx's for her. You don't say where she is living. Is she safe? Is there someone to check on her, fix meals, etc? If she is safe and just mad at you, make it your goal to just reopen communication with her. You can't be defensive about it. Just talk about something else. Or if she's stuck and won't redirect, than keep saying things like I know you're upset, I'm working on tracking it down for you. This might be a slow process.

Having a flashback here.

Many moons ago Mom's 30-something y/o gangbanging, homeless boyfriend would escorted her to cash SSI checks; or she'd come by whatever "spot" he happened to be at so he could protect her from thieves lurking around cashiers. He had a drug problem, but she was so whipped by his unconditional love the poor thing couldn't see the forest for the trees. So she'd treat him to McDonald's, gifts for his "mother" (other women in his life), parking tickets (he didn't even have a driver's license), and "pocket change" (from the looks of his addictive behaviors, I'd say at least $100). She said he made her feel special, and no other man in the world -- including my Dad -- loved her to the point of being jealous other men would steal her away, whispering sweet nothings on the phone every night, and making sure she was safe. Sometimes he'd sneak behind the building and slide through her bedroom window to kiss her goodnight. Little did she know he was only protecting his "stash" ($) and his "stuff" (her). ... Isn't it amazing how love -- or just being in love with the idea of being in love -- can make you do the silliest things? ... Then, feeling used and idiotic, you can explain it away with some romantic horsehockey like "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

I warned her about him, but she'd always say I was trying to destroy her happiness; that I was an "envidioso" who wanted to tear her down to feel good about the fact I didn't have a woman in my life. (I couldn't get one to hang around long enough after they met her.) I said he was a cokehead, she said he had allergies. We went back and forth until I yelled "When all your money is gone I don't want to hear s__t."

I did hear it. The once playful relationship between her and my sons ended when she began accusing them of going into her stash, followed by the "hussies" I dated (which never came to the house) and the so-called "Bible-thumpers" I let in at 7 in the morning for breakfast and spiritual support. ... Even my pitbulls were blamed for eating her money. All 3 kept their distance as well.

A month later I installed an alarm system. Her strungout boyfriend, aka "Corso," "Icepick" and "Junior," was arrested coming out of the apartment; twice. She asked me for $ to bail him out. Not a dime. He was sent Upstate. Poor love-sick woman wrote every day, he wrote 3x ... in pencil.

To this day, she's convinced my kids and I stole her $; and that I set her boyfriend up just to destroy her "marriage." My sisters believe her, but never met that "andrajoso" that came out of jail and told her a santero told him someone close cast a "brujo" (spell) to keep them apart. ... Yep. I did that too.

You didn't take the money, and the more you explain yourself the guiltier you look in her eyes. Remain firm, but definitely make use of the strategies AgingCare family have suggested. Predicaments like yours don't go away easily, particularly if the person has a mental health issue. So take what you want to get what you need to restore some peace.

Push comes to shove, insist she put all her money in the bank; where it'll be "safe" and her expenses can be tracked.

avagba1 I do not understand what you mean in your response ... aging justice system???

@...icecream....except I would not say I took it even in jest if if were not true....one never really knows about our aging justice system...don't want to be caught on the wrong side on a humbug...

From your question it is not clear of your Mom's condition. Has she had a diagnosis of any behavioral health issues. This is a sign of mental health issues. This needs to be addressed if you have not done so yet.

What works best for me with My Mom's "NEW REALITY'' is just that "her reality"!!!
If she thinks it's raining outside and it is really a sunny and beautiful day .... trying to get her to believe it's sunny only starts an argument (disagreeing) so I say oh no I forgot my umbrella. Sometimes I am not her daughter to her and if I call her Mom all Heck breaks loose. So I have to figure out who I am to her at that time and I go with it. You'd have better luck trying to explain to the wall where her money went than to get her to understand. So say "Yes... I took your Money, I am bad and I went to jail for that." or something to that effect. Don't take it personally she just cannot remember and you are there so your the one to blame.

igloo572 is so right. They believe what is going on at that time. My Dad does it all the time. I do the same thing when the conversation is heading downward fast I either redirect him or tell him I don't want to talk about it. It will get really bad. Last night he accused me of being a loose woman said I have too many men coming over all hours of the night in and out of my bedroom. I try to explain the men are his grandson's and they live there. But because I might call them honey or sweetie they must be there for sex. Just go with the flow, you will learn to relax and get really good at redirecting them. Music always helps and laughing. Good Luck

igloo572 I really liked your answer.

This is the "false beliefs" of dementia. It doesn't matter what you or others say, they believe what they believe end of story.

It will not get better and could get scary worse, so figure out what works for you and your family. With my mom, who probably has Lewy Body Dementia, misplacing things was/is a big issue. When she was in IL, she would hide stuff in flashlights, then go into a fury that she had been robbed and would call the police and file reports. Her paranoia got to the point where she called a nephew to take her to the bank so she could withdraw all her money as “they were trying to become her”. She would cut off the tops of empty Kleenex boxes and nest them within each other BUT she would hide “important” stuff within the layers. Then when she couldn’t find the $, travelers checks or family picture, she would call the police. When she went to lunch or an activity, “they” would go to her apt (when she was in IL) or to her room (at the LTC she is in now) and would use it as an office or hold meetings there because her room has the “special light”. Mom totally believes this is happening. There is no way to convince her that it is a “false belief”. This is so common.

How to deal with it really needs to be what works best for you. They aren’t going to change their incorrect perception.How I handle it, is to say “You know mom, that isn’t happening” and then talk about her clothes and hand her an article of clothing or talk about a plant if we are outside in the patio; about ½ the time she moves on. But if she doesn’t and she is just fixed on; harping on & on about “what they stole”, then I say “I’m not going to talk about that as it isn’t happening and if you bring it up again, I’m going to need to leave” and if she does, then I leave. I know that doesn’t sound very kum-ba-ya, but if she is just fixated on it, there won’t be any other conversation and all it does it get her super agitated and anxious. The next time I go, she doesn’t even remember anyway. Good luck and keep a sense of humor.

My step-father-in-law always had everything stashed. He has hiding places all over his room. He gets upset though because he can't find anything and we try to tell him that its because he hid it, but his reasoning is just not there anymore. Usually we try to distract him and then he shows up with whatever he was looking for a few days later. One time I took him and Grandma to their doctor's appointments and he got upset because I wouldn't stop and get him ice cream. I had to get home because my children were going to be home from school. He tried to get out of the car and run away in downtown Salt Lake city, but luckily I had the child locks on. When we got home he grabbed the papers from the doctor for grandma to have carpotunnel surgery; said "fine, well, I'm keeping these, ran into the house and hid them in his room. We searched for them for five days and then out he walks with them asking what these are and why are they in my room. That was about eight months ago. Now he can't get a coherent sentance out at all. Now it seems that the hiding of things isn't as bad; or maybe we just don't notice it as much.

This sounds like normal dementia to me. My mother was constantly hiding her money from imaginary people that kept coming through the house. They become very paranoid and suspicious of everyone, even people that are not there. I tried very hard to continually keep her mind straight and correct her when she was drifting. Unfortunately, it does not get better, only in how you handle it.

ayagba1 is right, the best you can do is document somehow, writing on the envelopes, putting receipts in the envelope if you use money on things for her. My mom really cares less about the money, however, she recently told me that someone is stealing her dishtowels! It is so hard to even comprehend what is going on in their minds so try to go with the flow, because it will change 5 minutes from now.

You will learn to let it go after awhile. My 90 year old Dad lives with me. If I am not stealing his car I am stealing his wallet, clothes, mail so many things it is kind of amusing. He constantly hides his wallet and things no one would even want like a dirty comb. He thinks my boys who are 20, 18 & 17 are robbers breaking into the house. Every 2 or 3 days we go on a search of the missing wallet and such. It has become kind of a game to me. It also gives me some time to talk to him because he is busy and his mind is not on what is missing. Last Saturday I found his wallet in a winter glove stuck behind his bureau. He also went into the bathroom and took eveyone's toothbrushed but has no idea where they are or why he took them. If your Mom gets worked up maybe you should discuss medication for her. My Dad get really bad when the sun goes down. But other than hide and seek on a daily basis I love him and he is home till the very end. Don't get frustrated and angry it does not good. Just go with the flow and work thru it.

If you did not take it, tell her so and try to help her "remember" what she spent it on. My mom writes on the outside of her money envelopes the date and what she used the money for. Yes, I said "envelopes". She has several stashes. Bless her heart. You have to smile because getting upset doesn't help.

I am so sorry that you and your mom are going through this. Did she tell u the exact amount she thought she had in the envelope compared to what was in it? Does she have a bank receipt from a recent withdrawal? Obviously she used the money or placed it somewhere else, if she has less in the envelope than what the bank withdrawal slip shows. My mother accused me of stealing her paper towels, beer, and denture cleanser (no one in my family wears dentures but her). Nothing I could say or my sister could say to her would dissuade her. My mother has not been officially diagnosed, but obviously if she can think her own daughter can steal denture cleanser from her, she's no longer of sound mental health. My sister handles all of my mother's affairs now, because I am afraid of my mother making more false accusations against me. And, she told my sister that if I went over to my mom's house, she would use deadly force against me. Unfortunately, I must stay away. I wish you good luck in resolving this issue with your mom, and I hope your mom gets better.

What diagnoses does she have if any? In the beginning stages of Alzheimers, one sign is they feel like someone is watching them or doing things to hurt them. She could also have an infection of some kind that could cause reversible dementia or delerium. Need more information to give anymore advice.