Any tips for dealing with resentment?
My parents spent most of their lives living irresponsibly, depending on family and friends for money, housing, financial needs, and work. My mother was more capable and independent than my father, yet she held herself back to keep him from feeling bad and she supported him in his schemes. If it hadn’t been for my grandparents, my family would have been homeless. I know they helped for the sake of us kids.
Now my Dad has passed away and my Mom is living with us because my brothers who bought the house my parents lived in when my brothers were in their early 20s can no longer afford to pay for the house since they have families of their own. In the original verbal agreement, my parents were supposed to buy the house from my brothers after a few years but my father refused to even discuss it with them. Mom had a stroke shortly after my Dad passed away which affected her vision and other cognitive abilities, so she can no longer do the design work she once did and support herself. She had nothing saved up and lots of debt.
I want to get past resentment at the choices she made. She has a little bit each month that she can spend as she likes – eating out mostly – and sometimes I really have to work hard at letting her have these small indulgences. I feel they indulged themselves all their lives at the expense of others and she is still doing it. But she really can’t live on her own even if she pinched her pennies, got on food stamps, and I found low-income housing for her. She needs to be reminded to eat and get any exercise and can’t go anywhere alone. She pretty much pays her own way, though we do buy the basic food (she buys extras she wants, candy or treats, her special breakfast foods, etc.)
I thought I had forgiven her over the years. But maybe being this close to her all the time makes it harder not to resent the choices she made and sometimes still makes. Any tips?
Right now I am making her pay our dog-walker (she prefers one), but it gets hard. The simple fact that Mother stays in bed all day keeps her from going out and getting more "pretty things", but it's still hard. You sound like you've been covering your mother's mistakes for some time. Can you get financial counseling? If she sees exactly how much money is in income/outgo it might help her make some decisions.
I do hope you also get help, time for yourself. It's never too late to enjoy today and you need to make some good memories for yourself.
I cannot stress how hard it is to let go of the past errors on everyone's part. My family is a mess and I'm the one that had to do the letting go part.
You can do this!! :)
We did look into Assisted Living but the finances don't quite work out for that. The house she was living in went into foreclosure and my brothers took the hit to their credit.
Like you said, seastar, I can only change and grow me. And I want to grow through this situation. I'll keep reminding myself.
You sound rational, responsible and caring. Concentrate on the good times and make some new memories with your Mom. Let go of past decisions.
So much easier said than done. Have you thought of an assisted living scenario for your Mom?
They are also self-defeating. You are the one who is suffering from them. So, after you've thoroughly aired them (perhaps to a nuetral third party, or on here) pack them up in an imaginary hotair baloon and let them float out of sight. And maybe consider forgiving your mother while you are at it -- if that is consistent with your religious views.
You deserve a peaceful, calm relationship with your mother in her last years. I hope you can achieve that, for your sake.