I’ve never touched her but I am guilty of getting frustrated with the lack of cohesion and full blown irrationality and losing my cool, raising my voice. Just started full time care a few months ago and don’t know how to deal. Feel angry and guilty all the time any more. I get frustrated and raise my voice, then the guilt over my lack of patience. I just don’t know how to respond to questions that have no answer, try to calmly explain at first but always, any more ends up in argument. Have lately said “ your statements and conversation are so convoluted I can’t follow “, I do try but fail and she demands answers then accuses of my insensitivity and calls me cruel. I think using term convoluted may have been a mistake, now she’s accusing me of trying to make her feel crazy or confused. I guess I just need some basic skills that I apparently don’t possess. Looking for insight.
As to guilt, that's the wrong word. The word is grief. You understand your loved one is losing who she is and you are losing that as well. She cannot understand and you cannot accept that she can't. At the same time you are recognizing you are not capable of caring for her at home. So you are grieving. Were you an even felon who did malice daily and took joy in that---that would mean you needed to feel guilt. But being a normal human being who feels helpless, desperate and distraught isn't worthy of guilt, but rather of grief.
Do understand that at least some of your anger and frustration may be indicating at least some depression on your own part; depression often manifests as bursts of anger. You are in a sense in a state of shock, not having understood beforehand what you were trying to take on.
Now we have the semantics out of the way it is time to recognize that your loved one must have placement. If you can possibly hold out until she has Covid vaccinations, attempt to do so.
You cannot argue with dementia. You cannot school dementia. You cannot cure dementia. You cannot reason with dementia. Try to educate yourself all you can. Barb often recommends YouTube's Teepa Snow's videos.
Wishing you good luck. Speak with the doctor as soon as you can and ask for help for a way forward for placement in facility care.
But the best place for us to start - ! - is with welcoming you and reassuring you that you are not alone in finding this particular learning curve an overwhelming challenge.
Feeling frustrated, then angry, then guilty are ALL NORMAL. Hugs to you. Would you like to say a bit more about what is happening, and how long it's been going on?
Good luck!