I have a mother who is 69 and able bodied, very healthy and was planning to work full time at least until her mid seventies. During Covid she lost her job and decided to go ahead and retire. We own the house she lives in and charge her way under market value. Even at what we charge her, it is still a stretch for her on a fixed income. We have decided to sell the home since we are moving. She is very upset, understandably. She could go back to work and afford to possibly buy the house herself. But she refuses to work, other than a few hours a week for a neighbor she helps with Alzheimer’s. Her family pays her cash. She is very healthy and now even helps aging neighbors who actually need it.
She is very upset with me and calling me ‘selfish’ because I am ‘kicking her out’ of her home. I have given her more than a year warning, this is not something imminent, giving her plenty of time to find other arrangements, decide if she wants to work or not etc.. We bought this home when my now deceased step father was terminally ill to move them closer to us so I could take care of him and she could continue to work. He was self employed most of his life and didn’t manage for his retirement very well, so there is little to no savings. She has gone through quite a bit of what she has just to stay in the home we own.
She wants to make absolutely no concessions in her lifestyle. We considered having her move in with us, but I don’t think that would be good for any of us. It would just be enabling her and pre-aging her and legitimizing her ‘old’ mindset and view of herself.
I have been her enabler, ‘rock’ and co-dependent for years. I have been doing a lot of healing, therapy and inner work and realizing this is not a healthy dynamic for either of us. She is not going to go willingly though, in fact kicking and screaming almost childlike. She seems to feel entitled to be treated like one of my actual children.
She has worked herself into a negative spiral of emotions and I think might be depressed now, but refusing to speak to anyone or go to any counseling. I have offered to help pay etc… Feeling conflicted, the people pleaser in me just wants to give in just to make peace again and or back track on my word. My sisters are both supportive and happy that I have finally taken a stand and asked our mom to be more independent and not rely on me so much. They feel she has manipulated me for years.
In just a few short weeks of conversations I have gone from being her ‘rock’ to self centered and uncaring in her eyes. I am very sad and worried, hoping we can get past this. At times I am believing her thoughts about me and doubting myself…
Any advice welcomed…
FYI, both my parents retired when they were 63 and they lived in their house and me and my brother took care of them financially and physically everytime when they're in need. But when my father passed away at the age of 76, I took my mother to live with us and both me and my wife taking care of her to the fullest. We don't charge a jack from my mom for living in our house. Her grandchildren enjoy her company and thats what makes a happy family. Thank God my wife and my brother doesn't have the same mind set as most of these people have in this forum.
Are you scared like your mother is? What type of job did your mother do before she lost it?? Your widowed mother is 69 and needs a break. How is she doing by this time??
Trying my best to advise many possible options with prayers. Thank you.
Happy New Year!
Patathome01
The OP is obviously a little greedy but not entirely in the wrong. She does not have to support her mother for life the same as a parent does not have to support their child for life. When either is in a situation where they are expected to that is dysfunction and abusive neediness and both should think about going to therapy.
The OP has given her mother a full year to find another place to live. She even tried to help her find a place. That's loving and decent.
The mother is not indigent. She has permanent income and can afford to move to a senior apartment. She also has the option to buy the house she lives in but would have to get a job to be able to. She is not a poor, old lady that's indigent who's being thrown out into the street by her evil daughter when she can't afford to live anywhere else. She can't afford to live in the house her daughter is selling unless she can afford to buy it.
That's not the same thing as becoming homeless and living under a bridge because you can't afford a rent.
Rather than looking for an apartment in a senior community and getting on a few waiting lists over the last year, the mother spent that time bullying, gaslighting, and guilt-tripping her daughter hoping to wear her down so the living arrangment her mother enjoys will continue. That's wrong.
No one 70 years old should have to go back to work out of necessity otherwise they will be out on the street if they don't. That isn't the case here. The mother doesn't WANT to move to a different location. Too damn bad. The daughter's selling the house. Find an apartment.
We DO NOT owe our parents our entire lives!
For everyone who says, “They raised us, so now it’s our turn to give back to them.”
It is a parent’s responsibility to raise us! Children don’t ask to be born. A couple makes the decision to bring a child into this world. They shouldn’t expect to be ‘paid back’ for their child rearing. No one forced them to have a child.
Truly good parents raise us to be independent human beings and rejoice with us when we accomplish our goals.
I would NEVER in a million years expect my daughters to give up their lives to care for me. They deserve to live their own lives. I raised them to live independently, and certainly not ever to be my caregiver.
Maybe the OP is reading the responses and maybe not.
It’s a mystery!
Hopefully nice new year fresh starts.
Where do get the notion that you can come over to this forum (or anywhere else for that matter) and insult American culture and American people?
You have no right to do that.
As for your complete nonsense as to why American men go over to these 'Asian' countries to find women. I'll tell the real reason. It's not because these Asian women are more loving and respectful to men.
No, my friend. It's a BUSINESS transaction. Some guy with nothing going for him can't get a good American woman. This would be because women like me have standards that the men in our lives have to meet if they want to be in our lives. We pay our own bills. We make our own decisions. We don't need some loser to rescue us. A woman who respects herself does not depend on a man to take care of her. I would never and have never been in a relationship where the roof over my head and the food on my plate depended on how well I please and serve the man sleeping next to me.
H*ll to the NO on that thank-you very much.
Let's get back to the loser American guy we were just chatting about a paragraph ago. He's a real loser by the standards of a good American woman. He looks like a real prince to those poor ladies down in a third-world country though. All he has to do is take a wad of cash (which isn't much here) and head down to an impoverished village in some Asian country and wave that money around. Within five minutes it will be love at first sight and the prettiest girls in town will be kneeling at his feet. These guys don't even have to go in person anymore. Just put up a profile on line and he'll have his pick.
Beautiful, third-world honey hooks up with a first-world loser. Financial support for her and her family in exchange for sex. Then once he makes her legal she really scams him proper.
Then there's the other reason why all these men head over to those Asian countries. This was explained to me by my brother who was in the navy and stationed in an 'Asian' country. Those girls will do anything. They want that meal-ticket and American $$$.
So please, You should stop.
Also, many people here had lousy and abusive parents. They also had abusive spouses. So they don't take care of them. It does not speak to a person's morality and character if they are willing to live in an abusive situation. A woman who is willing to live as a care slave to an abusive parent or spouse is not a better person than one who is not willing to.
You have a lot to learn about life and people, my friend.
American women (eg. You) have a ridiculous sense of entitlement. When it comes to certain things like we’re all equal and how dare you treat us differently, yet on other things they want men to be men and women to be women. One moment it’s “I don’t need your help just because you’re a man and I’m a woman” and the next it’s “but you’re the man, and I’m the woman, so you’re supposed to take care of me.” lol
You really think a high value man would need someone like you who call themselves "independant"? Hell no. They enjoy company of traditional women. Why you think you're already a divorced woman? That's cause women like you are nothing but an instant red flag. Your ego is way over up to maintain a proper relationship. You should rather buy bunch of cats and spend the rest of your life with them. Peace ✌🏼
Then to the divorces in the US. Thank you, USA, for that! Being divorced is highly preferable to being repeatedly attacked by a husband, cheated on, sabotaged, stolen from, slandered, and sexually and emotionally abused. American women can divorce these creeps because we are educated and empowered to take responsibility for ourselves and our families. Our, shall I say, possibly "superior" economic culture in the US enables us to do that.