My father has been in memory care for over a year. I visit him several mornings a week, and I walk with him from his bedroom through the common living area to the dining room to help him get seated for lunch. He repeatedly says to me, as we walk through the common living area, "never end up in a place like this."
While his facility is about as nice as it can be, he is repulsed by the sight of residents in wheelchairs, residents sleeping with their mouths open, and other signs of impairment. He can't hear well, so he speaks loudly and seems unaware (or maybe indifferent) to the fact that other people can hear him.
He is aware of his own impairments and is ashamed of himself, referring to himself as a "crip". I try to reassure him that I don't view him that way, but I don't know how to respond to his advice that I not end up in memory care. Usually I just say, "I won't, Dad," because if I reply that isn't so bad there, he's likely to just elaborate, in front of the other residents, on why he thinks it is very bad.
I could bring it up later and explain that other people can hear him and he might be hurting their feelings, but I've tried this approach with other topics without success. He seems to understand at the time of such a discussion, and says he won't do it anymore, but of course, he doesn't remember and does bring up the offending topic again many times. Any suggestions?
Our youngest son, who is our backup POA and our Executor, will soon be 63 and recently (re)married; his wife is 65. They are both in good health fortunately and still work F/T. They have plans to enjoy their upcoming retirement. Her parents are deceased. I seriously do not want us to become a millstone.
Yes Dad. I know
My Aunt would sometimes point out the slumpers & open-mouthed. She would say "Those poor souls", then quickly move on to "I am lucky I can still walk & talk".
Welcome to the Forum. I hope you will be "stillhere" to fill in your profile for us so that we know a bit about you and the loved one you are helping to care for; that will help us in answering questions. Also look about the site for a few days and read posts; will help you to know that many questions we have in common and ask over and over again You may even find you have some "answers" for folks?
Your father isn't alone in finding the creeping decreptitude of aging as unseemly and as a loss of dignity. I am 82. I am a retired RN. I have seen it in my patients and now have lived long enough to understand that aging is one loss after another, one indignity after another, and that it all goes on, imho, way too long today. So his warning is apt, but then of course there ARE the "alternatives".
There isn't much to do but listen. That's the last honor you can pay him. To listen to his feelings, and to understand they are legitimate and they are deeply hurtful to him and that he is suffering and he is also, by the way, recognizing the suffering of those beside him who are more quiet about the whole thing.
Just shrug, tell him you are looking into the alternatives, and smile at him. Tell him you understand his hurt and his pain, and can imagine, standing witness, how much it must hurt a vital kind man to have losses and see no upside. Just tell him there's not much choice. And that you know this is tough. Don't negate what he thinks and feels and expresses.
My own mother was much the same. As she made her OWN way into her 90s she resented deeply those who were in the "apartments of IL when they should be in AL". Then she moved to AL and made mention of those who "were needing MC and should be moved". Concentrating on them perhaps made her feel better. She was a proud woman tho she claimed all pride was "false pride".
Not much to be done about this. I hope when Dad is gone you will feel as I did--a great relief that your loved one no longer has to suffer further loss, and that you no longer must stand helpless witness to it, and fearful recipient of the next round.
Best to you. You'll find a great variety of input and opinion here. Grab and enjoy what you like and kick the rest to the curb.
Dad sounds like a Pity Party, Table for One. Not much you can do except what you are doing. You don't need to go visit him several times a week, once would be enough. Maybe he needs an activity or a hobby? Or has he always been a negative person?
You already tried to discuss it and he forgets. Sorry you are dealing with this.
At this point, his brain can’t store information to use for the next similar situation. That’s dementia for you.
There’s nothing that you’re doing wrong here. You may find that your Dad uses this phrase as sort of a “script”. My mother does the same thing, with some phrases she uses with me. Your Dad may use that his one over and over, until the next phase of dementia comes.