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Yeh I know we are supposed to honor our parents and help them but parents should also care about their off spring enough not to ruin their lives in their later years. I am a wife dealing with a bad situation with both my inlaws in varying degrees of dementia. My husband is completely obssessed with their care and it has just about ended our 33 year marriage. Life is horrible and I see no end in sight. When my mother inlaw has moments of clarity she always finds a way to insult me and to remind her son that she is his responsibility. She giggles and uses this sickening baby voice. I have long term care insurance, a living will, and have given my grown kids written instructions to place me in long term care when I become unable to care for myself. As a nurse I know this won't be pleasant but I will not do to my kids what my selfish inlaws have done to us. We had talked about 15 years ago with them about living wills an such when one of their parents became ill and they sent her to a nursing home They always said no way were they going to long term care and that was it. Of course these were people who would not baby sit their own grand children unless they were paid. By the way my husband is an only child and our kids all live out of town so we are it. I have never gotten along with them very well and now that the expectation is that I help care for them I cannot deal. I have considered leaving or even suicide but I would never do that to my kids. I do not want to hate these people but I want their care turned over to healthcare workers who are not related to them.
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I think that it would be best if u could send her to a Nursing home or an Independent living center http://fairwayssupportedliving.com.au/everyday-support for 24/7 where She might get proper treatment and proper care..... By doing this u might get your life back as well as your family..... she will remain the same as long she lives...... I mean what else she could do.... she will definitely tell lies to the staff over there but U will gain what is yours i mean your independence,....
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I think that it would be best if u could send her to a Nursing home or an Independent living center for 24/7 where She might get proper treatment and proper care..... By doing this u might get your life back as well as your family..... she will remain the same as long she lives...... I mean what else she could do.... she will definitely tell lies to the staff over there but U will gain what is yours i mean your independence,....
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I have no advice as I am in a similar situation...but I must say KUDOS to you for doing your very best. It's not a cut and dry to say send her to NHF and attend to your wife. Old age, dementia, pain all these things are illnesses. She does not intend to be mean to you, talk about you or cut your down to size. I am going thru this too and try very hard to rememeber that my elder is not who she once was. These diseases rob our loved ones of their previous personalitites, but it' not personal. You are doing a great job, esp. taking her into your home.
This is so draining, taxing and emotional for all caregivers and it trickles down to our other family members. Don't lose sight that you are doing right by her, and that in the end, you will be rewarded for your help, patience and doing right by her. I firmly believe that we get what we give. If I were an ornery elder, I would hope someone would offer me the care, support and love that you are offering to her. Hang in there and KNOW you are a good son, who has loved his mother in good and bad, and that in her heart of hearts; she loves you.
Gentle hugs!
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Sometimes you just need to step back and gain some distance in order to see the situation more clearly. You need to remember that your family should be at least as important as your mother. Try to find some help...
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Thanks...TLCinLONETREE...before finding this website I was a basketcase of guilt..I have always treated my mom well and put her before myself and she too has bashed me to my family saying the same things and worse, all untrue, and it broke my heart to the point of crying myself to sleep over it and deep depression. I could never figure out why she was doing this. All I ever wanted was for my mom to love me and recognize me. I threw my mom a retirement party and a huge birthday party and she never even calls me on my birthday , but then again she was always mean to me since I was a child. I do not exist to her and all she wants from me is to be her slave, I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. I too had to detach myself and get tough and not let her break me. I have to be strong for my own family. Which she has also tried to tear apart. Luckily, I have great kids and have a lot of support and understanding from them. God knows what I've been through with my mom, I just hope someday she realizes how she destroyed me. Hang in there and I am looking forward to getting those books. Thanks again.
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I have a similar situation! she is just plain evil! I placed her in a facility recently and simply dont respond to hernasty phone calls. I take care of herneedsthrough others, until their small savings is depleted...I deserve to live, too! Im fifty three and refuse to entangle myself with her endless eeds. im learning to be okay with it, regardless what she has told other family members about me, including stories of me taking her money and other nontruths. i have a dad, also in a memory care unit with end stage Alzheimers. Ive changed, drastically. I've hardened a bit in order to deal with all the financial and medical issues. when possible, I dream of a one way trip to a lovely place to stay and leave no forwarding address. it keeps me sane. my counselor gave me the book and CD set on BOUNDARIES, by Cloud and Townsend, as well as The Mom Factor and Hold Me Tight. all helpful reading.
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It is difficult to place your loved one in a home. I moved my gma into my home because the nursing home was neglecting her. Her daughter has written her off as my grandmother is and always has been a cruel abusive person. Grandma is moving! Take care of yourself guilt will kill you. My grandmas Md said I would pass away before her because she has a little slave girl to abuse. Sound familiar?
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With all that's going on you might think me crazy for suggesting you sit down and read a book but I think it will give some perspective and help you feel not so alone (just as this forum is doing). It's called Elder Rage, or Take My Father...Please! by Jacqueline Marcell.
I really appreciated it (eyes winced at the language!) for the sense of perspective (yes, others have it worse than me), the humor (laughter, the weapon of choice in stressful circumstances), the pathos, and the psychological battle was so insightful. There's a resource section at the end because the writer felt it imperative to share her hard-earned knowledge with other adults caring for their parents. A great caregiver commiseration!
Kudos to you for continuing to try to work with your mom. I hope you get more assistance and relief.
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This post was started about 6 months ago, how are things now? Did you do anything different or continued on as the lone ranger, trying to handle it all on your own? I am trying my best to take care of a 90yr old MIL, who is mean, evil and nasty some days, all because she doesn't believe SHE has a problem, SHE truly believes we took her life away by removing her from her home in Florida to live with us in Ohio, when she can not be left alone. It's hard when you are forced to give up independence to be in someone else's home, lose freedoms, start losing mobility, memory, etc. I know all about the "stealing" issues as my MIL will put things up, forgetting where. Especially her money. She will crease, fold, crease, fold until a bill is itty bitty. Then she will hide in a tissue, a piece of paper, in a pillow case, in a tissue box, in a sock, shoe - everywhere strange, except her purse. Then can't find it, accusing me of stealing & telling family members how I steal her money. So untrue. I'm a very sensitive, soft spoken, get feelings hurt easily type of person, so I am not handling this very well. I have never been treated like this by anyone - so I am astonished over her accusations. The doctors tell me to "look the other way", "ignore it", but I can't. It hurts.
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There are many of us in the same dynamicand because our parents are living longer and longer, there are more years involved with "care-taking" of them into our own later years. My mother is still very spry and lives alone at 81 but since her 60s (my sister and I are now that age!) she has always expected us to do laborious tasks for her. She is very wealthy but will not spend the money to get basic house-cleaning and gardening done.....in her 7200 sq ft house recently purchased. We have our own families and home responsibilities and, of course, want to help where and when we can but we are beginning to have our own health issues & that she decided to purchase such a large obligation, well, we are NOT envious of her home, we are MAD! She hasn't provided any verbal nor written instructions regarding her vast finances and medical needs so we have not a CLUE as to where to begin to execute her desires, whatever those are, which is offensive and mean-spirited. Yes, our parents are aging and it seems there are those that just don't want their children to be at peace.
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Only 1 of 8~I can relate to what you are going through. You are a man a great integrity to stand by your mother!! There is a wonderful thread on this site about dealing with narcissistic family members. I suggest you read the posts. First you need to set boundaries with your mother. When she becomes verbally abusive, leave her home and go to your home. Tell her why you are leaving and that you will not tolerate her abuse. Make arrangements with home healthcare to come to her home after you leave. You must approach this the same way you would when dealing with a child having a tantrum. I go through this all the time with my mother who has a personality disorder. She has gotten worse as she has aged and I refuse to let her treat me as though I have no value. Second, you need to learn to detach from your mother emotionally. This takes practice but it works. Setting boundaries with your mother will help you to detach as well. Please check out the thread "How to Deal With A Narcissistic Mother" and "Dysfunctional Families". There is wonderful information on both these threads. Good luck to you!
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How do you get your elderly mom (71) to stop berating you in front of family or strangers? ....and she tells people things that are untrue like "my children don't care about me " or "my children leave me alone" when in fact she has the best kids in the world like love her and do everything for her. She is a real drama mama and LOVEs attention- at any cost.
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My mom is 71 and I am 52, her only daughter...I am seeing some of the symptoms described here and am so frightened yet relieved to hear others are going through the same or similar situations. I am glad I found this site. It explains a lot of what I have been living but still not sure how to deal with all of the difficulty I have been having with her lately. I thought she was just being mean as usual but it seemed to escalate and be nonsensical in the last few years. Mostly about very petty things, but they build up, like she is so disagreeable just to get a rise out of me...I have since become numb to her personal attacks, everything from picking on me and my children to meddling within the family and trying to cause trouble between me and my brothers(3) and myself and even saying horrible things to my own children to try and get them to turn on me. Fortunately, we caught on , for awhile we fell for her manipulative and scheming gossip, but soon realized she could not help it this is who she had become and it was scary. After retiring, she had a lot of time on her hands with nothing to do and so she just became an annoying busybody always demanding attention from me or my brothers and telling us that the other said this or did something to upset her. It was like a crazy house because at first we all believed her but she was making it all up and would then sit back and watch us all argue with each other. She actually got a kick out of it. When we suggested she get a hobby we did not mean this. She refused to socialize with anyone and everyone dreaded being near her for long and for fear of being a victim of her wrath. She has always been pretty bitter about things since her life was not a happy one (but who"s is?) and so I always tried to make her happy and took her on our family vacations and weekends shopping or dining, but she always ended the day by berating me on the ride home. I offered to build her an inlaw apartment attached to my home in order to relieve the stress of constant driving and just being able to keep an eye on her but she refused and since she lives about 45 minutes away she expects me to drive there and back to bring her to my home and just to take her out. She is perfectly well and able to drive but wont. She even told a cousin that since we moved so far away from her she would purposely fake weakness so that we would have to drive her back and forth, yet she drives herself whenever she wants to go anywhere all day everywhere she goes. We moved several towns away because we could not afford to stay in the area and also to live a more rural lifestyle away from the city. The fact is I don't mind driving her but it's the rudeness and verbal abuse I cannot handle any more. She speaks to me as if I were a child always telling me how to do things and trying to control every situation, in public or in front of family! I feel so guilty because I love my mom but she has pushed me over the edge. I am recently divorced and she did not support me through it, which was difficult. She blames me for everything and when she misplaces her jewelry or things she thinks we took them and then they show up months later wrapped in a hanky somewhere in her closet. It is so frustrating and deep down hurtful....I read somewhere in a spiritual support book that we should humble ourselves when our elderly parents abuse us ...but I'm not sure I understand. I need to be strong for my kids and my mom wears me down to the point of depression and not wanting to see her. I don't know how to handle it. I thought we would be able to enjoy the golden years together but this is worse then when I was a kid. Are there any groups that she can join that would empower her with an awareness of what she is doing to her family? She would never go to therapy and is old school like that. How does one stay sane?
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Hank, it is time to step back, realize this is not all about you, and do some reading on dementia. Hiding a treasure (for sakekeeping), forgetting about hiding it, and accusing anyone handy of stealing it is VERY COMMON among dementia patients. This is not about women who have to set a guy up and then start pushing buttons. This is about someone who has a disease that prevents her from behaving rationally. It happens to both men and women as dementia progresses. People in nursing homes hide their eyeglasses in a tissue box, the box gets tossed out by housekeeping, and they accuse the caregiver of stealing the glasses. A guy in assisted living (somewhat paranoid) hides his watch in a flower pot, forgets that he did that, and accuses another resident of stealing it. This happens all the time.

A compassionate response is "Oh Mom, I'm so sorry that your pennies are missing. I would never cause you distress by taking them. I will help you look for them." Storming out of the house is understandable if you know nothing about the disease process and are taking everything the poor woman does personally. It is time to change that by learning about her disease. It will help not only her, but especially you, as you will realize she is not just pushing your buttons.
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ONLY 1:

There must be a powerful, underlying motive for not tearing down that breezeway. If there really isn't, I'd set aside 15 min. every day to check up on Mom. The rest of my time would be spent bringing home the bacon and sharing it with the people who are supposed to come first.

Whatever the case may be, she'll own you until you decide to respect yourself.
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I just saw the post about the pennies and you storming out - if she behaves better for a little while, you'll know she has just enough marbles left to realize she went a step too far..but again, how could she really expect a stunt like that to have any kind of positive result unless she's lost quite a few of them??
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Wait a minute. What on earth makes you say she does not have dementia??? She is forgetting where she puts things constantly and she does not have the judgment to realize that you are close enough to over hear her. She may recognize people and have relatively good long term memory, but with long-standing diabetes and complications as you descrbe, vascular dementia would be much more common and presents much more like this. She is also in a viciuos cycle of terrible pain and terrible anxiety nearly all the time, which is not good for thinking skills either, and/or related to severe depression or complicated grief. On top of everything else she has lost, she is losing her mental abilities and may (or may not be) painfully aware of it vs. in total denial and unable to cope with it (hence blaming YOU for the problems, as you are handy and no one else is available for that purpose). Is there any chance she could come visit your family, either in your home, or even get out of the house sometimes? Anything to get her mind off of pain and fear...and is her doctor working on these issues, to be sure the meds are right and nothing is actually making her worse?
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She set me UP!
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My Mom just raised the stakes!

Mom's been hording pennies and hid a bunch of her pennies in a box and hid it under my bed several days ago and never said anything about it, and I didn't notice it.

(I knew she had been digging around under there, but didn't know about the box)

Tonight she started accusing me of stealing them and then lying about stealing them... Telling me she handed me this box and that I did something with them... THAT's when I realized she put them under my bed! I spit on my "man card" and stormed out of the house.

Some women just have to set a guy up, then start pushing buttons...

What do you call it when you set a guy up just so you can give him crap?

I know Laura Schlessinger would call it "evil"
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You are in my prayers but its time for you to wake up. Someone like that has to have mental issues. You are the only one allowing this to happen. Spend more time with your family. If she yells constantly whats the difference?
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I'm not allowed to bathe, use the phone, go to the bathroom, watch TV, read or do anything for myself without my mom doing her drama act. It's difficult to even do laundry and the dishes because she constantly needs something from me. I had promised to care for her and I will continue to do so. But, I've got her in eldercare/daycare 3 times a week.

Now, she pitches a fit not wanting to go, but I get her ready anyway and see her off. I love her and we both need the break from each other.

My advice to you is to get help. Quickly before you loose your family.

As children we don't owe our parents our lives. We don't need to sacrifice ourselves to save them. They've lived full lives and we honor them by helping, but when abuse starts.... get help.

If you can't get help in home, it's time to consider a nursing home, or adult family home.

I often wonder if my mom is trying to make me hate her, but inside I know she's desperate to control something in her life. I fill her need to control something. Even though it's wrong of her to act this way, I understand her. That understanding helps, but tolerating her mouth shouting/yelling/hurdling curses at me when she's in a fit is overwhelmingly painful.

Trust me, getting a break does help me cope.

I pray you get help soon.
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sylvester18, generally cherry picking in relation to Bible verses means selecting something that appears to support your point of view while ignoring the context of the verse, or ignoring other verses that appear to support other view points.
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Hank4422, I agree with you. If everyone did what they were supposed to do, this website would not exist. If only....
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The tough one for me is 1 Timothy 5:4 & 8.

"But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God. - V.8 Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

However, neither of these verses say WE have to be there doing all the work, it's just our responsibility to see that it gets done.
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Sylvester, also, as you read these posts, these "children" have been provoked for much of their lives. Still they try to honor their parents. But with many of these emotionally unstable or just mean parents, it is impossible at best. How you raise your children is directly related to how your children care for you. It is what they learn. I know, I was raised in much selfishness and verbal abuse. My father provoked me daily as a young girl until my self esteem was so low that I still have problems with it. And when he died, I was not there and I have never regretted it. Not one day.
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Sorry Sylvester, I read your comment and meant no harm to you. I just have read others on here, and you are not one of them, who use the scriptures to lay a little guilt on some people. I grew up the the conservative South where bible quoting was an olympic sport. Just reminded me of a friend I had who was the champion of using bible quotes to suit her needs. I did not mean to insinuate you were at all like that. Just thinking of someone else all together. That's what I hate about e-mail, the intent is sometimes misunderstood.
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Hate to say this, but medication. Possibly an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety; talk to her doctor privately. She is paranoid, angry, and does not want to be with people. If you feel you must continue to care for her on your own in the living situation you describe you must also think of yourself, your wife and other family members.
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My folks are both in care together (at my Dad's insistence) but I make a 700 mile round trip to see them for 5 or 6 days every month and talk to my Dad every day on the phone (I listen and my Dad complains) - that is all I can do as I live alone and have no property or inheritance to fall back on and have to work full time to support myself so I use up most of my days off to make the visits. This is not enough for my Dad and he thinks I should give up my life, change my job (not easy as I am 55 now) and move back to rent something where they are so that I can be 'on call' full time for him and spend every night and weekend visiting. I wouldn't mind doing this if I thought it would make him happy, but it’s just so that he can have me there to complain to (my mum is deaf now and can't/won't listen to him anymore) and to run back and forward doing things for him rather than ask the staff at the care home. Part of me wants to go back so that I can be there for my mum as he is now talking about leaving that home and getting in somewhere else so that he doesn't have to see her anymore as she is 'off her head' according to him - she has mild dementia and loss of short term memory but she still knows who people are and can hold a conversation if people are patient with her hearing problems - he doesn't care about her now, just himself. Part of me also knows that if I do it, there will be no difference at all. He will continue to be demanding and unreasonable and as miserable as he always has been and I will have thrown away my good job, my friends and a life of my own for nothing and I will be too old by the time he is gone to make a new start for myself.
I think I know what decision I will make as one thing is for sure – my Dad was always mean and selfish and manipulative – my mother used to say so all the time, so the fact that he is old had only made him meaner and more selfish and manipulative and he is not going to change just because I am on the doorstep. I have made sure they are both in a care home which is nice and the staff are lovely and they get great care, I will do as much as I can to support them emotionally and visit as much as I can, but not to the extent that I throw away my own health and life.
If we knew for a fact we would be fit and hale and hearty after years of sacrifice I am sure it wouldn’t be such a hard choice, but we most of us know we can’t keep giving so much and receiving nothing but stress without some long term damage. What you are doing is far too much given the lack of understanding you are getting from your mum. She has taken over your life and sees you as her personal servant and because you are blood she is unkind and unreasonable and knows you will forgive her – she would not treat a stranger like that. Did your mother give that sort of care to her parents? I think not! Get in touch with social services and get some help for yourself – you need a) a counsellor to get you through the guilt and the fact that you are sacrificing your own life for hers, and b) someone to take control of the situation and help you find a care home for your mother so that you can get your life back. You are lucky that your wife has not left you under these circumstances so you need to sort it out before things go badly wrong – and if that happened believe me, your mother would only think “good, now you can be with me all the time” so don’t let it happen!
I wish you all the luck in the world in dealing with this, but get as much help from other people as you can – you need it to empower yourself.
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The verse mentioned above is how to raise your children. When children become adults, they are to cleave to their spouse, Mom and Dad are no longer in first place. Madege, not sure what you mean by "cherry picking" and who you are directing that comment to.
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