Has anyone worried about their loved one temporarily staying with another person? Please share experience.
Hello,
If you are the full-time caregiver and been worried the person they are caring for might not be looked after as properly. By properly I mean:
* Not watching what they eat
* Not understanding the illnesses my mom has and what to do, what not to do.
* Might exert the person more than needed, instead of using disability equipment, wheelchair..
* Will not ensure my mom has what she needs to be comfortable.
* Will not prepare mom's meals.
* Will not foresee certain obvious dangers, obstacles and similar.
I'm worried whenever my mom goes away for a week and stays at my sister's place; because she does not take precautions, that I would.
This sister did not take precautions around covid19 before vaccines were available; in fact did the opposite to what all the advise suggested and at the time they were on vacation. My sister would not bring mom back home from vacation, because of her own selfishness. This sister always looks after her own needs first before thinking about what mom might need. Another time they were on vacation and my mom fell and broke her wrist and the same sister gave didn't explain the proper medical information; she informed us, it required a general anesthesia instead of a local one, just to set the bone. The result is still pain in the wrist, and the bone did not set in its original place; there is a bulge where the bones jointed.
As I've taken care of mom for a long time, I know what she needs, her habits, what to do if serious medical advice is required, and what action to take.
The background with this sister: we don't talk for various historic reasons, including things I've mentioned here, but just clarify I would still be worrying even if things were okay between us, it's not just because we're not getting on that I'm worrying.
So, I'm worried when my mom is no in my care. Have any of you been in similar situations? It feels like reverse worry, when I was in my mid-20s I used to go to nightclubs, they use to call them discotheques at the time, and my parents wouldn't sleep until I got back home. I guess they were worried I made it home okay. That's what I mean by reverse worry. I'm doing the worrying now instead of the parent.
Thanks for reading.
There could be some early-sign dementia, but her main health issues are the heart condition, asthma is chronic, but with inhalers she has been controlling it, the heart condition just added to problems about 2/3 years ago. There a separate question I posted on this. The combination of the two makes her breathless on very short distances and she has arthritis on both knees, bone-to-bone or almost bone-to-bone and some other health conditions.
It's more about making sure she's safe. JoAnn29, also see my reply to againx100.
Yeah, my mom is okay with other places she knows, she's been to my sister's place so if familiar with the layout, plus she knows all her siblings still. If however in a big supermarket she does seem to get worried, starts to look confused, as long as she see me fairly nearby it's okay.
I've told the story before how I sent my mom to the local NH for a test respite stay because I knew I had to be away later in the year and even though I was there daily it was a total disaster. But I still had to place her there when I was away and I wasn't even able to check in on her because I was out of the country. She survived both times, and I think it was actually better that I didn't know what was happening the second time.
Learn to let go.
Outcomes, well, you can be a martyr and do it all yourself or you can accept what others contribute.
So what the floor isn't as clean as when you do it, you didn't do it.
We learn by experience, if your mom is happy to go, be happy you get a break and mom is happy. Maybe sister will do better, maybe mom asks for these things. You aren't there, so you don't really know. But, it is her mom too and you have no right to stop her from seeing her.
You gotta let the past go.
The contribution from my other siblings and we're from a large family, is on the whole non-existent. Only this one sister does things occasionally, but only when there's something in it for her too. It has never been "I'm dedicated my time to you" because I want to look after you.
This visit for my mom is a once in a blue moon-type thing. One this occasion my sister is calling my mom because she needs my mom's signature for some official document.
It would be wonderful if my sister had called my mom to visit without an ulterior motive, but that is not the case. My other siblings rarely phone my mom, my mom has to make phone calls to them if she wants to hear from them. Otherwise they may phone once a year or every six months, and none of them have helped out my mom to improve her quality of life, since my dad passed away. When you are from a large family and only one person has been doing the majority of the caring. I believe, that's not fair.
It would be great if I could give the entire family dynamics over the last 30 years. I think then other's would get the full picture background to the questions I am posting. I would have post a book instead.
My mom lived her for 7 years and has mild/moderate dementia. My sister would take her now and then and I just trusted that everything would be fine. And it was. Things were different there but so be it. I was soooo grateful for the break, be it 2 nights or a whole week, it was glorious.
Let mom go and enjoy your time off! And if something happens that you don't like, try to keep it in perspective. Say she has a fall. Well, she could fall anywhere. My mom fell in my house a few times even though we had everything just perfect for her. She could get sick.
Some of your concerns:
Not watching what she eats - does she have a condition that prohibits what she should eat or is this mostly your preference?
Won't prepare mom's meals - she won't feed your mom? Or your mom has to cook for herself? Is she able? Can she order takeout? Or take your sister out for a meal?
Some things like this could be overlooked for the time mom is visiting. While I also hated it when my mom would go places and eat crappy and drink soda, etc., I just stuffed down my annoyance and remembered to enjoy my break.
My mom has blood pressure problems, so it was more about keeping an eye on making sure mom does not eat foods that are too salty or sweet. My sister tends not to read food labels for allergy advice, high salt or sugar content and she tends to more junk food for convenience and also offers it to my mom.
My mom does cook for herself, but with her disabilities she has problems getting around the kitchen, just getting a utensils from the kitchen draws and back to the stove can be tiring, I would expect my sister to be at hand to help in the kitchen, like I do, to fetch things, peels things, cut things, and so on, to really cut down on my mom's workload. She has a heart condition and asthma that makes her breathless really quickly. My sister does not recognize these things and acts like my mom is in her youth instead of watching her and realizing the things she has difficulty doing and help with these things.
I would really expect her to do things around my mom's needs while my mom is visiting, instead she drags my mom around the things she needs to get done, even if she has all the time in the world to do her own things after mom is back with me.
When I say temporary break, it could once every six months or more.
I'll just try and not worry. I appreciate you reply thank you!
Great advice, somehow it's always better hearing "worry will not change anything" from someone else, even you know it yourself already.
All the best this year.
Does that mean mom is going to be abused, ignored, starved, or otherwise harmed? NO.
Did your mom worry when she sent you to school that you would get hurt on the playground, classmates would ignore you, you would not eat the lunch she made, you would get beat up? She may have thought about it briefly..like the first day, maybe 2... but you survived.
If your sister is taking mom so that you can get a break ...
Thank your lucky stars and make use of the time that you have to yourself.
Appreciate that you have a break.
Your sister will, after a week, appreciate that you are doing the majority of the caregiving.
Your sister will also see first hand the decline your mom has so IF and WHEN it gets to the point where you say "I can no longer SAFELY care for mom at home" you sister knows what you are talking about and you can have a honest, level headed discussion about what to do next.
When mom comes back I am sure you will be rested, more relaxed and able to do what you need to do.
Could be good for your mother a change of her controlled routine that you put upon her.
Let your mother enjoy her time with your sister, and you, do something for yourself, as there is only one person you can control and that is you.
Enjoy your time of freedom from these self-inflicted fears, you deserve it!
Seriously!
You can get weekly med planners/boxes and put her pills in them. Seems Mom is competent so can take them on time. The planner is set up for each day and morning, afternoon and night. You can get them for multiple weeks. Mom should also be aware of what she can and can't eat and say No.