I am seriously ill with long-term complications from colon cancer and will be having surgery soon (it must be said that my condition has been exacerbated by years of stress in caring for her and failing to properly manage my own health — PLEASE take note if you are headed down this path!). I'm scared and alone (wonderful friends but only child, no partner, no kids). Sometimes I want nothing more than to hear her comforting voice (she *is* still very comforting and concerned), and we generally talk every day, but the phone calls are getting harder and harder. At this point I'm not capable of putting on a happy face and pretending like everything is okay, but I don't have the energy to explain my situation to her over and over again in the same call (she can't hang onto any information for long), and she's just "with it" enough that if I dismiss her concerns or try to change the subject it hurts her feelings or makes her more worried. It feels like my only option is just not to call, which just makes me so sad. Am I missing a creative approach that would be gentle on both of us? This is so hard.
Thinking of you.
You say mom is living at home with AD/dementia and no short term memory to speak of. Now is the time to hire in home help on her dime to keep her safely occupied so you're able to see to your own care and recovery. It's okay to do that.....your life matters too and you deserve to put down the caregiver role now and assume it for yourself.
There is no creative way to make a person with AD understand or empathize with you. Forget that notion entirely and when you do see mom, just take comfort from her hug and words of love. She doesn't have to know your health issues in order to be of comfort to you. She's not capable of being your rock right now, not in the way you need her to be, so get creative yourself in finding other ways to draw comfort from her. Ways that won't ramp up her anxiety but will allow you two to sit together and look at old photos and reminisce. Laugh a bit. Have ice cream. You don't need to put on a happy mask but you don't need a sad mask either unless you want things to degenerate into a tear fest 😏
I'm sorry you have so much on your plate to deal with and no real family support in terms of help, but happy to know you have good friends! Best of luck to you along this journey.
Your profile states that your mother has Alzheimer’s disease. As you know, this disease robs a person of their ability to think rationally.
So, I would suggest that you start focusing on your needs, both physically and emotionally and disregard your mother’s reaction or lack of reaction.
I don’t mean to downplay your situation. I fully understand that even though you are aware that your mother’s behavior is due to having this dreadful disease, it is still hurtful to you. I’m so sorry that you don’t have her support.
Do you have other people that you are able to rely upon for support in your life? You’re going through a very difficult time right now. Please take care of yourself.
Have you considered hiring additional help or possibly placing your mom in a facility?
Best wishes to you, especially for healing of your cancer.
I am so sorry. I would not try to discuss this overmuch with mom. It will tax and hurt you both, especially the part of having to repeat and repeat would just be emotionally exhausting with all else we deal with when dealing with cancer.
So sorry for all you are currently going through and I so wish you the best.