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My Mother in law is 72 years old , resides in the Dominican Republic and comes to the US to visit her adult children and to go to the Doctors. She stays in my house for a month and goes to medical appointments in another city 4 hours away where her other Son lives so she also stays there as well, sometimes she has stayed 5 months between the 2 houses. My husband is the nicest and most respectful , she has another son that lives 10 minutes from us but he is very mean because he looses his patience due to her constant questioning and wanting to know everything, she only visits him for a few hours. Her tenants contacted my Brother in law because she is yelling at them and accusing them of stealing her internet, electricity and water. She calls me and all her children explaining that the tenant goes to her roof during the night and doesn’t let her sleep connecting his electricity cables to hers. This is a constant topic of conversation, I try to change the subject and she manages to go back to the same thing. My brother in law the mean one tells her that she is lying and that he is taking her to see a Doctor. She refused so now he is coming with her in 2 weeks and she will be staying in my house as always. I work from home, just had a baby who turned 3 months and have my 8 year old daughter. It’s very stressful because I have to cook all meals when she visits, Maybe my husband told her something in the past because she was too messy so she doesn’t cook anything and asks permission if she wants to eat. I keep telling her please no need to ask, all the food here is yours too. She asks the same questions and really stresses me the entire day asking me questions about her cellphone, or personal questions about my household etc. or asking me why I didn’t serve my husband dinner, or telling my husband why I went to my room if something is wrong? I went to my room at the end of the day because I was pregnant, tired of work, cooking and her constant questions, so when my husband came from work is more than fair he also entertains her as well. I keep telling my husband all of them need to take her to get checked but he says that he doesn’t have time, and that she has been like this all her life that it will be worse if she gets medicated etc. sounds like he is in denial, I don’t understand. I feel like no one wants her in their house. My brother in law told everyone that he was taking her to see a Doctor he has not done so because she doesn’t want to. He did convince her to come with him to the US so he will bring her just like that and has not mentioned if he will take her to get checked or not. It would give me a breather if she also goes to his house to visit during the day for a few hours , his wife does not work and stays home with a 4 year old, but because she does not feel welcome she stays in my house. How can I protect myself mentally so I don’t end up sick? I don’t want to have problems with my husband because he loves his mom but some one needs to be responsible and take her so see a Doctor. Any suggestions I can give my husband so he takes it serious? Also her son who lives 4 hours away is now saying that he doesn’t want her to stay in his house because he will be having guests and he feels embarrassed because she makes a mess in the kitchen and there are always fruit flies. She actually cooks there because this son works traveling away from home with his wife. I also have a sister in law who live in Vienna very far and has 2 small children, she said that she will make arrangements with her husband so she can come and take her mom to see a Doctor, but again I don’t see that happening either. I feel the same thing will happen. She will be in my house driving me insane. Is there any medication? What typically happens in this case? We don’t even know if she has Dementia or Alzheimers but I wonder if when she comes to my house maybe she will not hear her tennant in the roof anymore but will probably lie that I am not nice to her.

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Some people are bad for your mental health. Period.

Believe me. As long as one has contact with that person, one’s mental health will never be OK. One will never be at peace, or truly happy.

How can you cope and protect your mental health? Some people’s presence in your life, will never allow your mental health to be OK.

Sometimes you’re much better off without that person in your life, whether it’s family, a so-called friend, stranger…
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"I told my husband that I can have her as a visitor but not permanent".

This is your truth.
Your Husband had heard it.
It's polite enough to be said to his extented family & even directly to MIL.

It shows you care. That you are family. That you want to help. But you also have reasonable limits. Which ARE very reasonable & VERY generous in my opinion considering your commitments to your children & your work.

I have a feeling you will need to have that speech ready, on repeat. Also to define what a visitor time frame is (this varies for each family). I hope your Husband & his family are reasonable in return.
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Scarlet,

None of us can truly be prepared for dealing with the continual challenges of caring for a declining family member. It’s extremely difficult!

You are so wise to recognize your limitations in this situation. Plus, you are truly looking out for her best interest in wanting her to receive the best care possible.

Wishing you peace as your family transitions into this new phase. After it’s settled you will feel better about it. Transitioning can be unnerving but please know that you’re headed in the right direction.
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Scarlet, sometimes being an adult and standing up for yourself and your children results in others getting offended or "calling you a witch".

So?

Does it matter what they think of you?

Isn't your mental health worth it?
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You have a lot on your plate -- you work from home, have a new baby (and an 8-year-old).

Your MIL is NOT welcome to come for extended stays in your home. That's really it, isn't it? Why do you say that you don't want to make her feel unwelcome? Everyone is using YOU as the free eldercare for THEIR mother.

It seems as if your H doesn't respect you, or he wouldn't allow this situation to occur.

And, really, what's going to be the magic of a doctor's appointment? So she can get a dementia diagnosis? How is that going to change what is going on right now?

If you don't step in and put a stop to it now, I think you are going to end up the fulltime caregiver for your MIL.
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Scarlet123 Jul 2023
Thanks for your reply, I want to give my husband some time to figure out what will happen next, it seems they were all in denial and now they see the truth so at least I want to show support so she can get checked and diagnosed. He was telling his brothers maybe she can go back to her Country and they hire someone to accompany her but that knowing how she is, she might not accept that, but I did tell him my point of view already. I told him if I didn’t work from home what would have happened? That why doesn’t he stop working so he can come an deal with her, that as much as I want to support him, it’s too much for me. He looks very sad and worried, that’s why I’m allowing some time for all of them to brainstorm what will be the best course of action. I told him if you and your brothers can’t take care of her, I am the less equipped one to do so.
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P.S. what ever happened to the Aunt who thought she would move in with you?
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Scarlet123 Jul 2023
Hello JoAnn, we talk regularly on the phone, I try to avoid her as much as possible because every-time we talk, the conversation is about her financial problems like a broken record. She babysits a 3 year old and cooks for my Cousin’s employees from home but her complaints never stop, and always asks to borrow money. Last time we spoke, she said she wants to come to my house for a week to prepare freeze ahead meals but she has to plan it during a week she doesn’t need to make payments 😂 I told her, you can come to visit me but not to work or cook. I’m worried she is trying to make her entrance little by little 😂😂😂 I don’t know if it’s just me or this is part of getting older because now to add the icing on the cake my MIL situation is worse, I was not planning for this and have to try to be understanding with my husband so I don’t hurt his feelings. But if she gets a diagnosis , him and his brothers have to find a solution.
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It sounds to me like none of you want your MIL coming around. So tell her she cannot stay with you. Just tell the truth. You don't want her there, so tell her.

I'm curious about how she pays for all these medical appointments in the United States. If she's able to pay to go to American doctors she can afford to stay in an Airbnb or hotel when she's here.
Same thing if she goes to Vienna. The Austrian governent is not going to pay for her to see doctors there.

As for someone connecting to her electricity on the rooftop and stealing it from her. This is not an outandish or unbelievable claim coming from the DR or any other island nation in the area. Someone should be checking on that for her.
There are special devices that lock and can be installed on an electric transformer on a roof, telephone pole, and even an indoor circuit breaker box that prevents someone from being able to steal someone else's power for free.
My friend in NY city had to have one installed on her power box where she lives because they neighbors were stealing her electricity. They are not hard to install and they are available on Amazon.com
Get one for your MIL. Arrange for an electrician in the DR where she lives to install it for her. Even if no one is stealing her power, it's still a good thing to have if you live in an apartment where utilities are not included in the rent.
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Beatty Jul 2023
OP just told MIL to treat her house as her own.
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I really have no idea how you can handle this other than tell DH and his brothers they need to do something because she is stressing you out. That you have to care for two children and work from home. Mom needs something to keep her busy. They cannot expect you to entertain her. Tell them they need to stick to the previous plan, while in the States she says at everyones house, not just yours.

Are there Senior centers or a Daycare center that Mom can go to during the day? Seems she needs somewhere to go and make friends. You can't be it.

The following u around is called shadowing. Its a sign of Dementia, is this something new? You may need to just sit her down and explain that you can not be here entertainment. You have a baby and an 8 yr old to care for. Working from home is just like working out of the house. You need to be able to do it when time allows, because of your responsibilities, you need alone time. And please, no following u around. The chattering maybe a mental thing. Maybe you can learn to tune it out. Go "grey" rock.

Maybe on a weekend you can leave for a day. Leave DH alone with Mom and the kids. He will then realize what you go thru all week.
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MIL asked you "Are you going to let me stay here?"

Did you answer her?
Were you honest with her?

You don't have to explain yourself here. Just ask yourself - are you communicating to your MIL what you want to? What your house rules are?
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Scarlet123 Jul 2023
I replied the next day in front of my Husband so he knows and she knows I will not want to make her feel unwelcome, because she asks me permission every time if she could have a banana or anything from the Pantry. It went like this. Please feel free to have anything you want just like you are in your house, the problem is that she doesn’t make anything unless I cook, and when I tell her that the food is ready she says she will be eating fruits so my husband tells me that maybe I should serve her a plate which again is too much pressure for me, I don’t even have time to eat because I have to take breaks from work to feed my baby. So the next morning she asked again, I told her please don’t ask me, feel free to eat anything you want and make anything you want, you are not a visitor anymore, this is your house. She said I don’t want to bother and I really think I wont wait to see the Doctors, so I explained in a very nice and caring tone, I want you to feel that this is your home, I feel offended when you ask me all the time, if I go to your house I feel like if Im going to my own house. Also please tell me if you ever feel a certain way and I will do the same, and if you ever see that I am quiet sometimes please don’t think it’s because of you. It might be that I was up at night with the baby and my work is very demanding so please don’t take it personal, she said thanks and asked me to buy her gloves so she could wash the dishes because she wants to occupy herself. So I know she loves gardening, so I told her to keep the flowers nice and to sweep the garden lol, we had this conversation yesterday, so this morning that’s what she is doing and she seems content.
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Hello, it’s me again, my MIL has been in my house almost 3 weeks, already had an argument with her son who lives 4 hours away, she talks about that DIL all the time as well, plus her son says he works and can’t leave her alone in the house, he claims she scratched his really expensive Mustang with her luggage going out the garage. Her other son who leaves 8 minutes from my house changed her health insurance to his address so that means she will be staying with me because she likes my house better. She stayed 2 days and called my husband saying the DIL looked upset that she was there and that she locks herself in her room. She also talks about me to my husband even though I cook and I’m the nicest to her. She has always been like that gossiping and asking personal questions all the time but now it’s worse. Even my husband says he thinks she has been unwell all her life. I asked my husband if she can go to her son’s house during the day and comes to us late afternoon to give me break. I work all day from home plus have to cook and take care of a 4 months old and an 8 year old. I feel taken advantage, her DIL is a stay home Mom and my BIL drives UBER ,works nights and makes his own schedule. I have been having muscle contraction headaches due to her really annoying behavior asking non stop personal questions and following me around. Sometimes I feel she does it to annoy me. She follows me around. The night she came back, she sat next to me in my bed to ask me “ Are you going to let me stay here? I came to move and will bring the rest of my clothes. Other than the repeated questionings she seems normal, bathes everyday, dresses perfectly fine with always clean clothes and puts makeup on. She had an appointment 4 hours away but because my BIL decided to change her insurance to his house, now she has to wait a Month. My husband and I already got into an argument because he called me Dumb as*s and Idiot just because he was waiting for me in the car and I kept walking to another car thinking it was mine. He apologized profusely because I told him I would not tolerate that kind of abuse and stopped talking to him the rest of the day. I told him you and your brothers loose it just spending a few hours with her and I have to stay with her the whole day? So you all better fix that. He always seems changed when his mom comes to visit, but now maybe her tattle telling and the stress knowing his mom is unwell is making everything worse. I try to be very careful what I say because the lady misinterpret everything and goes telling everyone that I don’t want her here because at 1st I told her she should sell her big house and buy herself an apartment so she could be near her children, that was before my husband and his brothers decided she seems like she can’t leave by herself anymore. Any suggestions would be appreciated, and thank you for letting me vent.
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BurntCaregiver Jul 2023
@Scarlet

If you don't want her in your house, tell her. There's really no way to not make a person feel unwelcome when they actually are unwelcome.

You don't want her with you, so say so. Then live with the consequences of that decision.
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My friend’s mom does the perpetual question thing! She lives in the same condo building as her daughter. So, I occasionally run into her either at my friend’s condo or outside. Grrrrrr…

LOL 😆, she will look me in the eye and say, “Ahhhh, I am being nosey! Please tell me about, blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada and so on.

I ignore her. So, she will try to ask her questions in 50 different kinds of ways. I still ignore her, until I get sick of it and say to her, ‘You can ask me the same questions many different kinds of ways but I am not going to discuss anything with you.’

Some people may have dementia, others know exactly what they are doing! They are nosey people. They want to know every detail of our lives!

For instance, my friend’s mom will say, “Is it okay with your husband that you are out at night and going off with my daughter? Does he mind? Shouldn’t you be at home with him? Don’t you think that he will be upset? How long are you going to stay out this evening?”

She goes on and on and on about stupid crap! My friend grabs her purse and says, “Mom, we are leaving. Please go home. I will talk to you later.”

I have no idea why some people interview others like this. I suppose they have nothing in their lives to occupy themselves, they are bored or they are just fishing for information to gossip about. Who knows?
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When she follows you to your room , tell her you have a work meeting you have to listen in on, or you are taking a nap , or you just are working on something that needs your total attention and don’t let her in your room . Get a lock on the door .
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This is a tough one. Normally I would say you stay somewhere else so hubby is forced to deal with his mother , but that is difficult with 2 kids , one being and infant , and working from home . That would be alot of packing and uprooting .

So I suggest your mother in law stays somewhere else , possibly an extended stay hotel with a weekly or monthly rate. They have kitchens and laundry on site and housekeeping cleans , changes sheets , brings towels etc. Your husband will have to take her grocery shopping .

You should not have to deal with this all day , especially trying to work and having a 3 month old at home.

You could suggest to your husband that Mom needs to see the doctor , but that’s all you can do. It’s up to him and his siblings.

Certainly come back and vent to us and give us an update . ((((Hugs)))).
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This "stealing the internet" from her accusation sounds pretty crazy. Either she's having mental health issues or dementia. BUT this is hubby's problem, not yours. You can support him, but he should be leading. He should take some time off from work and spend time with his mama.

Try not to let her incessant questions annoy you too much. You know it's going to happen so be prepared with some vague answers. Don't engage on anything but a superficial level.

Make some plans to be out of the house, which could be tricky with a baby but get out for a walk, etc.
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Scarlet123 Jun 2023
Thanks for the advise
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"just had a baby who turned 3 months".

Dear Husband, we have a new baby. It is not possible for your Mother to stay with us at this time. I need you to protect our family & put our children first at this time.
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To protect your mental health when she is at your house - keep that daily habit of alone time in your bedroom. Decide on a schedule and stick with it from day one. Be in your room twice a day for several hours if you need work time as well as alone time. Your husband can entertain her when he gets home as he has been doing.

When we have weekend house parties with group board games, I will announce "okay everybody have some time on your own, meet back in the dining room for another game (or a meal) in 2 hours". Some people play smaller games, some nap, others read or whatever. We all need some regular alone time during a long visit.
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Scarlet123 Jun 2023
I really liked your answer about spending several hours in my room, thanks for the advise 😂
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Hmmmm…Okay, suggest to your husband to rent a short term lease apartment for her to stay in. If he doesn’t take you up on that, then you rent a short term lease apartment for yourself and your children.

She isn’t going to change. Your husband is in denial and isn’t around her as much as you.

You asked about giving her meds? She has to be agreeable to taking them.

This woman is a busy body who wants to be in charge of everything. She’s not going to be influenced by whatever you suggest.

Avoid her like the plague!
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Scarlet123 Jun 2023
Thanks, I will try to avoid her, she also follows me to my room while talking nonstop, so I will have to come up with an excuse😀
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What a mess! Your husband needs to deal with his mother, not you. In your shoes, I’d find somewhere else to be for much of her visit, especially if husband expects you to entertain her
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NeedHelpWithMom Jun 2023
Exactly what I was thinking! Avoid her MIL for as long as possible!
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Sorry. This is all complicated and convoluted family dynamics. I doubt that we can be a whole lot of help for all the individuals in this mix. I sure do wish you good luck in the day to day maneuvering.

To be honest this is a MOTHER-IN-LAW (happily). Not a mother. So I would be stepping back from this big time. I would be going deaf, sightless, speechless (the see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil monkeys of old). I would let your husband and HIS FAMILY handle this, and sweetly reply to EVERYONE "Whatever you think's best, dear", and "As you like, Darling".

Don't get drawn into it all, because trust me, this is a stew that is NEVER going to taste right, no matter what you try.
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Scarlet123 Jun 2023
Thank you, yes from now on I will not comment
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