He's in AL near me, and we live in an expensive area. Overall, I'm very happy with the AL. He's got friends, participates in activities (after a tough time early on) and has a lot of help managing his many medical needs. But every six months or so he flips out about how much it all costs and says that if he moved in with me then I could do all those things "for free."
I have talked him through the costs and options he has, including doing more things for himself, but he doesn't want to — he just wants to not pay the AL bill (I write the checks but from his account) because "it would be easier" if I "just handled it."
My husband I have demanding full time jobs, pets, a home with a mortage, a kid in college, and our own lives. We spend plenty of time with him and handle a lot of the fun extras so he doesn't have to worry about it (dinners out, his phone is on my plan, we make sure he has plenty of treats and creature comforts, including hobby supplies, a nice computer, a nice TV, etc)
I've told him that he could potentially move to a more independent living situation but then we'd need to pay for cleaning services, nursing care, he'd have to do his own laundry or send it out, etc. He's not interested. He just wants to complain about how much they are charging him at AL.
And for the record, he has the money — not a ton, but enough to hopefully last the rest of his life. I don't care about inheritance or anything like that, I just want him to be comfortable and safe and not wait on him hand and foot!
But it's a constant refrain and it's draining. We had a Thanksgiving brunch with him this morning and all he could talk about was how it's stupid that he has to pay for medical help at AL when he has insurance (Medicare plus a drug suppliment). But Medicare doesn't pay for AL, as I keep telling him.
And yeah, this stuff is expensive. But it's not my fault! I don't set the prices! And unless he wants to move somewhere cheaper or give up some of the services, it's like listening to a broken record. One that keeps accusing me of wasting his money because he's in AL and not in my house with me handling his needs 24-7.
I want to tell him I'm not going to dicuss this anymore but since it is his money, it seems unethical to refuse to talk about where it's going. But I just can't keep having the same conversation over and over again… any advice?
There are no solutions to this.
Stop discussing this with him.
He is in the care he needs.
Nothing here is going to change and he needs to be told that in no uncertain terms.
You need to stop these endless discussions that give him false hopes and keep him going on and on about it.
He is where he belongs. He doesn't belong in IL when he can't even manage his checks.
If it is too much for you in fact he needs to put out more money for a Fiduciary to handle that side of things. When the money is gone he will move to a Medicaid facility.
This is the sad truth of aging in America. And it is no one's fault. This is what he saved his money for and is spending it for. Take the burden off by doing the bills or by hiring a Fiduciary. It helped my brother to have a monthly accounting so he could see he was unlikely to outlive his money.
But don't pretend that any of this is going to get BETTER. It just isn't. And dependent on attitude and enabling it could get a good deal worse. Just my humble opinion. Just keep reassuring him that this is what his money is meant for. People who spent a lifetime saving often get focused on MONEY MONEY MONEY. So limit discussions of that and tell him you will not discuss it further.
Never ever even think about moving him into your home.
And if he continues complaining just tell him that you'll come back another time when he's in a better mood as you don't want to listen to his complaining and leave....every time he does it.
Perhaps over time he'll get the message and just be grateful that he's in a nice place with children who love and care about him.
Just tell him he has enough money . Living with you is not an option and that it will not be discussed any longer .
If he keeps it up then leave .
He knows where the money is going , no need to keep having the conversation.
D is comparing AL with his idea that you “could do all those things FOR FREE”. Give him a surprise about just how much you intend that it would cost him. Why should you bear the cost when he has the money for his own care?
You have to establish your boundaries with dad and let him know for CERTAIN he cannot move in with you. Otherwise, in his mind, it's an option! Stand your ground in a loving way w/o going into great detail about why it won't work. It just won't.
Good luck to you.
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