My boyfriend of 3 years takes care of his mother (who is jobless because she is the care taker of her ex-husband), his step father who is his mom’s ex-husband and his sister’s father (he is bedridden from his stroke and can barely have a conversation), and his 17 year old autistic sister. He has made it clear he doesn’t want his sister to ever work and his mom can’t work because she will lose the caregiving check. He lives with his family and is the primary breadwinner. I am very much in love with him but I get deep anxiety about our future. Taking care of 1 person is enough but 3 people? I don’t want to be married at 35 and have children with this man and feel like our immediate family come second to his family. I also would hate to work so hard everyday to have a good portion of his check go to his family every month once we are married/all living together. I couldn’t imagine asking him to take care of my mother, father, AND brother. I feel so guilty and anxious about my potential situation. We are serious and I love him deeply but I don’t want to be robbed of my future. Are there any “in law” care giving stories or advice I can get?
Try to remember as you approach these conversations with you BF that his commitment to his family in need is a part of who he is and was before you came into the picture so it has to be part of the man you love. Also keep in mind that you can love him without being in love with him and that's ok but if as you say you are in love with this man and want to build a life with him you will need to welcome the whole package, family and all just as he needs to accept your whole package and as long as your doing that it's not "his family" and your family it's our family and the two of you need to be making decisions together about the life balance of responsibilities you each bring to the relationship and you need to be willing to share those responsibilities (meaning you each make concessions as well as pitch in) but try to do it from a place of love rather than fear, watch out for each other rather than only yourself. Your BF may need help protecting himself from burn out and it sounds like you might need help in the future dealing with your brother when his perspective helps prevent you from jumping down a rabbit hole.
Anyway my advice is not to simply run the other direction here, it's to have an open discussion with the person you say you want to build a life with and figure out if that's really what you both want or not. If it ends up not being the right thing for both of you maybe you can part in a healthy way rather than feeling guilty about family the obstacle. I hear two things in your OP and responses here, I hear that you really want to build a life with this man and like being considered a part of the family on one hand and then that you are looking for an out on the other. Discussing it all with your partner is going to be the best way to make it all clear and make the right decision.
I don’t know how your parents conned you into thinking that it is right for them to ‘enable’ your brother and then bequeath the result to you. You are not your parents, and you don’t have to pick up and carry forward any mistakes they have made.
You can see with your BF that picking up fake ‘responsibility’ is not such a bright idea. Perhaps you can see that the reason you are even thinking about it, is because you have already been brainwashed. You have gone from one to the other. If you look after yourself for a while and make a life where you come first, you will be in a better position to join your life with someone who loves you and wants to make a family with you. Perhaps your BF will get the message too.
Here it is set for you: If you were to break up with your boyfriend, a month from now, a year, five years from now, what could you regret?
If you were to marry him, a month from then, five years, a decade from then, what could you regret?
CM, Midkid, Barb, and others have pass on great wisdom, but I want you to look at from another point-of-view. You say you love your BF and I believe you do. But loving someone doesn't mean giving up on your life, dreams or goals. Love does not solve problems, love doesn't resolve all things. If anything love can make things more complicated. Don't get me wrong love can be a great thing!
But really just because you love him and he might love you doesn't mean it is meant to be. You are so young and I know you might think you will never love anyone else the way you love him. But really you will.
I have learned over the years that you can love another. Loving somebody doesn't mean to give up your own life or self. When I was 23 and in love with a beautiful man however he didn't love me as much as I loved him. I was always last in his life and I came to realize on my own that would never change. His mother came first then his work then his friends then me. I decide at that point I could love him from a distance. Love doesn't change people that don't want to be change. I ended things went off and finsh my schooling, had a good career, did some tavelling, and figured out who I wanted to be and what I really wanted in a partner. Then I found a wonderful man that support me in every way, even supports my crazy dreams and goals. We never got married because that wasn't what I wanted but we just celebrated our 17 yrs together this past 4-14-19. He is my best friend; he is the one I want to tell whenever something good or bad happens to me. He is the love of my life and there is nothing he wouldn't do for me and I am the love of his life:)
Just because we love somebody doesn't always mean it is meant to be. I got to live my life my way and well he was/is just became a part of it--a big part of it. We both are very happy.
If being a half of a couple and losing all of you then the price is to high. I think you are starting to realize that. You have plenty of time to figure things out.
By the way, that beautiful man lived with is mother until she passed away a few years back. He never moved out of his childhood home and never got married or got a life partner. He is still at the same place where I left him all those decades ago!
Time to grow up and take responsibility for your future fella.
At my house, you don't work you don't eat. Period. I don't care if you are digging ditches or flipping hamburgers, get a job.
Please don't accept that you have to take responsibility for him because he is a lazy piece of garbage.
Just my opinion. If I was you, worry about getting thru your education. Get a good job and get out on your own. A place where when work is done you can chill out, alone. You need to get away from both situations. You will just be going from the frying pan into the fire.
BF should finish his education. He is going to need to take law boards before he is a lawyer. He may not pass them the first time. When he does, he needs to be hired. Lawyers have long hours. R u willing to come home from work and be a caregiver. Not an easy job.
Give yourself time to "mature". I think because you are looking at this relationship with common sense you are almost there. Women are establishing careers and being on their own before they think of marriage and having children later. You need to enjoy life before making a commitment.
Please, please don't feel its your responsibility to care for your brother. There is another sibling. Your parents did your brother no good by not "pushing" him and finding the resources he needs. Its up to them to find them. He needs to be evaluated and then see Social Services for what is out there for him. If he is mentally or physically challenged, there is a workshop called the ARC. Here is the website
www.thearc.org/find-a-chapter/state-chapters
It gives people jobs and trains them to work at regular jobs. The ARC employees are bused from home to work and back. There are resources ARC can help with. If it wasn't for my SIL, my nephew would not have graduated. She kept on top of him daily. Special needs people need structure. They do better with it. Nephew came to live with my Mom 10 yrs ago. If it was up to her, (looking back she was in early stage of Dementia) he too would be doing nothing. It was me who told him he was not sitting around doing nothing at 19. At 29 he was able to get a voucher and has his own apartment. He has been working at the ARC for 10 yrs. After two years he got vacation and sick time. Since he is on SSD, he gets Medicare and Medicaid. With that and a annuity he receives he is able to pay the rest of his bills. He now has people thru the state who help him. He is signed up with an independent living agency that has taught him to cook, help with transportation and sees him weekly to check in. I have been able to back off a little.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/need-advice-on-whether-to-stay-or-leave-448004.htm
There is another discussion on something similar and the girl is in the same boat as you. Our responses were get out of the relationship. He has pretty much told you what life will be. He comes with baggage. I think you deserve more than he can give u. You should be his #1.
I knew her several years before she had her son children.
Please do not do this. Nothing will be seen fairly. You will always be last. No sacrifices will ever be made for anyone but disabled child. I watched this for too many years. His mother was not an emotionally stable person. Will appear to be sweet to bait you and then watch out!
This teenager who grew into a very strong, large frame guy and he physically abused every single person he came in contact with and she excused him constantly and placed blame on everyone else.
This family had an extremely difficult situation. Maybe the family you are dealing with isn’t as difficult. It’s still not a good idea to place yourself in this environment. Question it? Question yourself? If you want a fulfilling life, there are plenty of opportunities to volunteer somewhere.
It is what it is and if you aren't all in for this type of arrangement then you should get out now.
You will never convince him to not be the man to his female relatives and it is not for everyone.
You are so young (sick of hearing that yet?) and these family situations are very convoluted and challenging.
FINISH YOUR EDUCATION before you make ANY long range plans with this man. In fact, if you can be this strong--take a break from him completely and focus on you. Clearing your head about his family issues and look at them from a distance.
Watch and see where his priorities really are. Is he always 'on call' for mother? Does he place you firmly and squarely in place #1? If he doesn't NOW, that will not change after marriage. Are you expected to live with all these people? 45 is NOT OLD (my OD is 41!) These folks could easily live 40 more years.
Your first responsibility is to yourself. Then you have to set your own 'list' of people. (Your older brother is NOT your responsibility.)
If you were one of my daughters I would be VERY concerned about the future. My OD dated a young man for 5 years and just assumed they's get married--and his family was a hot mess. OD would complain about them, and she wasn't even engaged to this boy yet! Finally, I had a very serious talk with her and told her that people do NOT get married and suddenly change into stellar, wonderful people. They tend to be more like 'themselves'. I explained that her BF's smoking & drinking when he was stressed was NOT going to end b/c they were married. The BF's mother's 'hooking' out of their co-owned home (he lived there, she didn't) would not end, as BF didn't care. I said to her "I don't want you to marry this guy simply because you've been with him forever. I DO NOT want you back here in five years with a couple kids b/c you thought 'J' was the best option. You're miserable now. Marriage will not cure that."
2 weeks later she broke up with him and did not look back. Eventually met and married the most wonderful man in the world---20 years ago. Got her degree, supported hubby through school and now own their own business. She has seen 'J' in the past years and he has become exactly what I feared he would. An angry alcoholic with family problems you wouldn't wish on anyone. And yes, he's still supporting his mother.
The worst thing in the world isn't not being married. You need to take care of you and look at this situation calmly and clearly. Your BF may be an absolute angel, and that's great---but you are already concerned about things re: him and his family. Trust me, those aren't going to be made better by marrying. They will problems you will then co-own.
please take care of you and do whats best for you!!
So he's planning to qualify next year, and then - move to a different town taking his family (SF, sister, mother an' all) with him, or move back to where they all came from, or what?
Bear with me a moment: I have rather late in the day got into a writer called Anthony Trollope. (Rattling good stories, by the way). A recurring theme among his otherwise excellent heroines is that often they have a choice of making a terrible marriage, or not. And I'll be yelling at my audiobook "NO! WHY??? WHY WOULD YOU EVEN DO THAT?" and yet sure enough these ladies, in their twenties usually, seem to feel that they have a binary choice. They can marry the shady adventurer/murderous psycho/crushing automaton, or their lives will be over.
But the world is FULL of choices. You have barely even started! Who knows where life and your profession will lead you, and what horizons will unfold for you?
You love this young man, and certainly he seems to have attractive qualities: he is bright, he has a strong sense of responsibility, and he is principled. But that does not mean that you have to superglue yourself to him right now; and neither does it mean that you have to mirror his good qualities. Other good qualities may be a better fit for you.
And if you ever get an inkling that that is exactly what he is demanding of you, and you are uncomfortable about it, you walk.
Where is that coming from?
Ssomeone who has a martyr complex is not " better than you".
His family's poor planning abilities are not your puzzle to solve.
You are 23, a decade younger than my youngest child.
This is a trainwreck of a family situation. Your "boyfriend" contemplates permanent caregiving for his mother, his step-father and his sister. You will be stuck, long-term, living in THEIR home.
When I was a young bride, one of the things that I really liked doing was picking out stuff to decorate "our" home. It was hard enough to come to decisions, just the two of us. Are you going to move into a home that will never be yours to love and fix up?
You and your boyfriend will both work; both of your checks will go to pay for a house that is in whose name? Who is it being left to? What provisions are being made for the daughter with autism when her parents die?
When stepdad and mother become aged and need more care, who is going to be required to take off from work and then quit her job to be a hand's on caregiver? Your "boyfriend"? Or you?
There are so many red flags in this situation.
If you don't feel that you are getting good advice from your parents, then please consider seeing a counselor at your school or a private therapist to help you make a rational choice.
You've seen, up close, how parents who enable their capably-disabled children fare. Don't extend that tradition.
My daughters are 31 and 33. My stepdaughter is 35. They are all three getting married this year (expensive 2019 for my ex! - but he's not complaining, bless him).
Has he said, move in or we break up? Are you thinking more in terms of "let's move in together" and he's vetoed that idea? I'm just wondering where the rush to make these decisions might be coming from.
Do you feel under pressure to commit yourself to any long-term or irrevocable decisions right now?
Um. Well, first off, and call me a middle class politically correct do-gooder if you like, but I wouldn't ever describe a person with a learning disability as a piece of garbage. No matter how misguided his parents might have been in their approach to his development.
I'm just going to make a cup of coffee to get over my surprise!
And their financial plan is to rely on their millenial aged son to support a household before he's out of school?
Who made this plan? Do the parents have substantial retirement savings? What is his mother going to do when husband dies and the caregiving check goes away (who is paying her?)
Are you in the US?
This is ridiculously poor planning, just from the financial end. I would run, not walk away from a tribe with this little financial acumen.
It isn't clear to me in what sense your boyfriend is his family's caregiver. His mother and sister actually provide the hands-on care for his mother's former husband, who is his sister's father. Your boyfriend lives with them and goes to law school.
Who owns the home? Your boyfriend, his ex-stepfather, or his mother?
Is his mother actually paid by someone to take care of her ex-husband, or is it rather that the ex-husband has some kind of income which goes toward their expenses?
Does the household depend on your boyfriend's financial contributions to survive?
This sounds like a very complicated situation. Please be very careful about assuming financial responsibility for this unfortunate family.
To begin again for a moment. What in particular brought you to the forum today?
My brother has a learning disability and my parents have enabled him so he’s not an independent person, has never had a job. It’s a complex situation because he’s 31 and absolutely useless. I am very embarrassed talking about it because how do you explain to people your brother 31 year old brother is a lazy piece of garbage? There is no simple answer.
Who will have what care needs in, say, five to fifteen years' time isn't the issue. Care needs are always manageable, one way or another: you find out about services and options and ways and means, you get good at it. You'll handle it. You don't have to sort those details out now, even if it were possible (it isn't).
If your boyfriend is thirty, and his stepfather was his mother's second husband, they must be nearer fifty at least, surely? But again - doesn't matter.
You were quite a late baby, then? Do you have older siblings?
Okay, this is what worries me.
The thing is. It isn't that you are being asked to consider a way of life that involves enormous self-sacrifice, and to take it on trust that this is the right approach. It's that you seem to feel that a right-thinking person would believe that this is a good idea, and that anyone who thinks it stinks as a life plan must be evil and selfish.
If a friend of yours came to you and said 'hey, I'm going to do this, what do you think?' - what would you say to her?
It is that you are *uncomfortable* at the thought of making different choices. I don't like that you think there would be something wrong with you if you didn't fancy the prospect. I think that's the nutshell for me. I don't like what it suggests about your relationship.
Whose idea was it that you should train as a paralegal, by the way? Is that how you met your boyfriend, through study or work, or were you doing something else before?
I have have two older brothers. One I will have to take care of as he is older as he is incapable of taking care of himself.
No I was in paralegal school before I met my boyfriend who was in law school at the time (still is).
You think your boyfriend is wonderful. He makes life better.
Under his influence you are contemplating committing yourself to a future in which *the* *idea* *is* that you have no say and there is no compromise.
You feel guilty for having reservations about that.
I'm sure your boyfriend is a lovely bloke. God knows he must have had trauma in his years to date, and he is conquering it as best he can, and for that he has my sympathy. But overcompensating through control is seriously bad news for his potential partners, and it's not great for his kid sister either.
Fortunately, you are 23. Promise me, at least, that you will firmly decide that you will not commit yourself to anything until a) you are fully qualified and in a good graduate training program with a good firm and b) you are 25 minimum.
It bothers me it seems like it will never be OUR family. It will be his family and I am the add on. I still don’t know how to probably confront the situation because I am so embarrassed to say “I don’t what to pay for 3 people who don’t/can’t work unless they are my own children/minors” (which wouldn’t include his family). I have my issues too. I know I will have to take care of my brother when I am older but I will NOT tolerate him not having a job. I know because of my boyfriend’s situation, he will accept my brother. But his situation overwhelms me because it’s not only his sister but his parents (including his step father) that makes me have a panic attack. My parents are in their 60’s while his parents are in their mid 40’s. If anyone is getting any bit of my money in the future, I would prefer it would go to my parents (assuming they needed it, right this second they don’t).
Okay.
A lady has a little boy. Little boy's father is sperm donor, essentially. Lady later marries, and has a little girl. Lady and little girl's father (SF) divorce... when? SF has a stroke... when? And L becomes his paid caregiver. Who is paying her?
When all of this happened, what your boyfriend does for a living, what changes it is reasonable to expect, what we can infer about what kind of people you're bonding with...
You're 23. What career are you pursuing?
Your boyfriend
Your boyfriend's mother
Your boyfriend's sister
Your boyfriend's stepfather
Is the ex husband one and the same as the stepfather? What happened to boyfriend's father?
How old are you?
How old is your boyfriend?
It troubles me that anybody is saying that they "don't want" a 17 year old with autism ever to work. What kind of aspiration is that to have for her? Ask any specialist in learning disability: work can be an essential element in personal fulfilment.
I have many more questions but not all at once!