I'm a student in my mid twenties trying to care for my grandmother (87) while my parents are on vacation. Problem is I already struggled to take care of myself, by myself, with routines I set in place to help me do all basic tasks. I simply don't have energy to feed myself or shower some days. Now I am supposed to look after my grandma, who wakes up 2-3 hours before my earliest time to wake up, she hates any food I make or says she feels ill from it, and I have to try to adhere to her very strict schedule of food cause she takes pills, while also caring for a big house and garden. And my grandmother is... stubborn. She's not supposed to walk stairs alone, but when she realized I had forgotten her morning coffee once she started going downstairs every morning to make herself breakfast. Every tine I tried to wake up before her I had aparrently set the timer too late, and woke up with a headache, defeated cause she had already gone to the kitchen. I fear that if I let her go down for breakfast she will start making herself lunch, and then will go to the cellar, where the floor is way more slippery, and she has already fallen and broken her hand last december. Me telling her not do this does nothing. Me explaining to her that it's dangerous and worries me only worsens it, cause she them tries to help me, by doing stuff behind my back. She's twice my size, I can't physically stop her from anything, and every time I set my foot down on something she changes the topic and then ignores me when I later bring up the thing I said.What do I do? I can't let her go downstairs anymore. I tried to get her to agree that I bring her coffee at 8, she doesn't really eat food for breakfast anyway, so I doubt it matters for her pills, and she bas snacks upstairs all the time. Today I woke up at 7.40, slightly hopeful to have an empty kitchen where I can make her coffe and not have to fight her about lunch. First thing I heard was the coffee machins downstairs.I am so tired.What do I do?
First, I am a 64 year old boomer, and there's a part of me who wants to think you are a lazy, spoiled, entitled young person who can't get up before 7. Really?! I was always AT WORK at 7 am! I had to get up early, get two boys up, get everyone showered and dressed and fed, and out the door at 6:15 every morning, EVEN when I was in high school! I had to walk a mile to the bus stop, and the bus came at 6:35 am.
So, I don't really know what exactly your schedule is, and why you can't get up before 7, However, I do think that this is not a burden which should fall to you.
Perhaps your parents were thinking this would instill some discipline and responsibility in your life, or maybe they just selfishly wanted to get away and left it to you to manage in their absence.
Whatever the reason, this is more of a responsibility than you are able to manage, and it is unfair to you and unfair to your grandmother!
You are young and lack the experience to handle this job. Your only focus should be on your schooling and future career.
I don't know what you can do, other than getting up earlier, working hard for a while, even while exhausted and simply doing your best to make this work until your parents get home. Would your grandmother hire a care aide? How long before your parents get back to relieve you? You need to let your parents know that this is beyond your capability and you should never have been left with this responsibility on your own.
I'm so sorry. Hang in there. This will not last.
We all are caregivers and we all are exhausted and have trouble, so I think we get it. Most of us are mature; we have raised children and had careers. Once this is over, your parents return, make sure you don't get put in this position again! If you are living with parents or grandparent, then it is time to move out and explore a whole new set of challenges, as you learn to become independent.
Do not make yourself available for caregiving. Your family will figure out another plan.
How long will your parents be gone? Is this a 1 week away or a 3 month trip?
If this is a short 1 week trip by the time you get them to hire a caregiver they will be back. If this is an extended time away you need to contact them ASAP and tell them that you can not do this yourself and you need help.
If they resist and tell you that this is your obligation and place you in the position of taking care of her for an extended time tell them that you will have to call APS (Adult Protective Services) or call your State's Elder Abuse hotline number and tell them that there is a Vulnerable Senior and you can not manage their care by yourself.
I also have to question if something did happen are you authorized to give consent to any treatment that is needed? Did your parents leave you with a temporary POA if your grandma is not cognizant?
Talk to your parents TODAY and tell them that you can not manage by yourself.
Now...this is the grandma in me now....You now know how difficult it is taking care of someone. If your mom (I presume she is the primary caregiver) needs or asks for your help when they get back, help her. You now know how difficult it is to try to do everything. Do some shopping for her, a load of laundry, take grandma for a walk so mom can get some time alone. Anything you can do will help her. Also if they do not have a caregiver even for a few days a week encourage that. If there is an Adult Day program in the area (do some research while they are away) that will help mom and give grandma a break as well.
Off my soapbox now (you might have to look up that term)
Talk to your parents today, tell them you can't manage this by yourself
You don't need to take care of the house and garden while you're alone with your grandmother. Your parents can hire people to do this, or do it themselves when they get home.
Then do whatever you need to, to improve your own physical and mental health. In your mid-twenties you should be at your peak of energy and enthusiasm for life. If you are struggling to take care of yourself and don't have the energy to feed yourself and shower, then something is wrong. Please look into antidepressants and therapy, and a complete physical.
Practice saying this a few thousand times so you’ll be ready next time: “I’m sorry, but that doesn’t fit my plans.”
Your parents apparently didn't care what kind of care grandma would receive from you while they were away as long as they get away from it all huh?
Hopefully your parents aren't gone for too long, but the up side of this is that at least you're out of school for the summer, and don't have to worry about your studies now,(unless you're taking summer courses that is,) while looking after grandma.
Sounds like you suffer from depression if you're having trouble feeding yourself and even showering, so I do hope that you're being treated for that and are in some kind of therapy, so you can move forward in life in a more healthy manner.
Hang in there and just do what you can. I'm guessing your parents will be home soon.
The logical thing to do if at all possible is to relocate her bedroom downstairs. But if you're by yourself, this probably can't happen. Maybe the only bathroom is upstairs... still there are portable commodes that can be put in her room to use. You can sometimes buy those at CVS or Walgreens or on Amazon. Moving everything to a main floor is the usual solution for an elder like your Grandma.
You need to preemptively make the coffee and lunch to take away any reason for her to go downstairs. Relocate the coffee maker to somewhere she can't find it but you can still use it. Buy a thermal carafe and make the coffee at night, put it in the carafe (it will stay hot until morning). Put the carafe and her mug upstairs before you go to bed where she will see it with a note telling her it's hot and ready. Is she asks, you can tell her a therapeutic fib: the coffee machine is broken so I go out and buy coffee for now, that's why there's no machine. Nonetheless, she may still go downstairs because her brain is broken and she forgets, her judgment is fading, etc.
Can you lock or block the basement door? Even put duct tape and a sign across it (like a crime scene) with a simple note, like "Broken stair! Do not use!" ?
Another trick is to put her mattress directly on the floor (somewhere on the main floor of the house) so that she cannot get up without your help. Facilities do this to prevent elders from getting out of bed and falling.
I don't know how you can prevent a mobile, memory-impaired uncooperative elder from using the stairs... Do your parents orbit around her all day when they're home? My Mom is 97 and lives in the house next to mine. She has mild/moderate dementia (aka "stubbornness"). Her basement door has a eye-and-latch style lock way up high yet she figures out how to undo it even though she can't reach it without help. I'm just resigned that I will find her on the floor at some point.
I'm a little astonished that your parents left you without solving some basic safety issues. If your Grandma falls on the stairs under your watch, it is not your fault. These are all temporary solutions until your parents get back. Your Grandma really needs to be in AL. The next time your parents ask you to cover for them, it is ok to tell them NO.