When my mother with early-to-moderate dementia has a bad day--ie., crying, anxious, or angry--I find it greatly affects my own mood. I am having a hard time separating my own feelings from hers, I guess. I have recently been prescribed Lexapro and it is helping to some degree, but I am wondering how other people manage to compartmentalize or let things roll of their back?
It is completely normal to feel "mood contagion" when caring for a loved one with dementia. Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett’s research offers a few powerful neuroscientific concepts that can help you create that "compartmentalization" you're looking for by changing how your brain predicts and labels your experiences.
Here’s a list to try to help you manage your feelings. I’ve been finding what I learn from her very helpful in my own life.
🧠 The "60-Second Body Budget" Cheat Sheet
Based on the work of neuroscientist Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett
When you feel your mood "dropping" or your mother starts an outburst, try one of these Micro-Deposits to stop your brain from crashing:
~The "Candle" Breath: Inhale for 4 seconds, then exhale through pursed lips (like blowing out a candle) for 8 seconds. This tells your brain "I am safe," which stops it from pumping out stress hormones.
~The Temperature Reset: Splash ice-cold water on your face or hold an ice cube. This "shocks" your nervous system out of a negative emotional loop and lowers your heart rate instantly.
~The "Biological Glitch" Reframe: When she yells or cries, say to yourself: "This is a biological glitch, not a personal attack." This separates her "malfunctioning brain" from your own emotions.
~The Sensory Shift: Quickly name 3 blue things you see and 3 sounds you hear. This pulls your brain out of the "story" of the stress and back into the physical room.
~The Deconstruction: If you feel a "pit" in your stomach or a tight chest, tell yourself: "This is just physical energy (glucose) moving around my body. It isn't 'misery' yet."
The Goal: You aren't "fixing" her dementia; you are simply protecting your own "Body Budget" so you don't run out of emotional currency.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Does your mom live with you? My mom has frequent bouts of anxiety where she is very nervous and scared for no apparent reason (noting no official diagnosis of anything other than severe anxiety right now, her cognitive abilities memory reasoning conversing are fine). She can't control it, she tries, she has a psych np that she talks to. But I've always had a good relationship with her not everyone has had that so their perspective may be different.
That said, she is never mean to me or abusive. It depends on the day how I manage it, I have a counselor of my own, I'm on zoloft. I try to take time for myself. I don't live with my parents. It might be different if I did. When I have a bad "reaction" day, I just remind myself tomorrow is a day I can try again and try to respond differently and not "absorb " it. I used to pretend I was Wonder Woman and I had those bracelets that the emotions could bounce off of, or imagine a force field around me.
That's the hardest part for me. In a way you kind of have to be a bit " clinical" about it which requires a degree of separation, which to me feels very sad. Like I said to my husband the other day I have to act sometimes like I'm "just a home health aide" and sympathize and empathize, but not let it come home with me (poor guy never knows what's gonna walk in the door lol), the daughter in me my heart breaks. I agree with not feeding into it, I tell her the feeling will pass, it always does etc .
Counseling with a good therapist focusing on "radical acceptance " or DBT therapy is very helpful to me. Today I had a good day. Maybe I'll get a frightened call later that will knock me off my equilibrium. Lately I've been able to hang up from those calls and go back to what I was doing, some days I wallow in worrying after. No one is perfect.
Early-to-moderate dementia is not a free ticket to ruining your life, which is as important as hers.
Best of luck to you.
People with dementia tend to mirror the attitudes and emotions of those closest to them, so it's important that you try your best to put your best foot forward even if you have to fake it.