How to navigate parents staying in their own home? They both made it clear that they want to stay in their home.

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How to navigate parents staying in their own home? They both made it clear that they want to stay in their home.

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Seems like you are saying that your father needs help caring for your mother. Seems like it is time for a family meeting. Please try to get everybody there - in person would be preferable but via teleconference could work - to discuss what tasks are becoming difficult for your father to manage, what kinds of help they can afford, and how your and your sister can assist.

Many people love the idea of aging in place, but never really assess if they have the resources to make this a reality. If it is only a matter of your mom's care, then you have a couple of options: privately paid aide, home health care aide through an agency, and volunteers of qualified family/friends/members of faith community. Usually the paid staff will need to be paid from your parents resources unless they have long term care insurance (few folks do since it is very expensive). If your father becomes overwhelmed, you can also consider day programs that are usually Monday through Friday during business hours to care for your mom and give your dad a break. Please also consider services that help take tasks off of your father - housecleaning, lawn service, grocery shopping/delivery services...

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And FYI, some long-term care insurance isn't worth much. My in-laws have it, and we found out that they will not cover any costs incurred while he was on hospice, even though he went off hospice. The 90-day period that he has to need care BEFORE they will start paying started once he came OFF hospice. The care while he was on hospice was 24/7 because of the requirements of the hospice organization was the most expensive time period - $25,000/month. None of that will be covered. They max out at $2700 per month (better than nothing). AND the coverage ends after three years. And finally, he is currently being evaluated by the insurance company's nurses to make sure he "really needs" care assistance because if they decide he's pretty much good to go, they will stop the payments.

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Give your mother a choice. Would she like to allow for help or would she rather move into nursing care or assisted living. I have a feeling she will give way to accepting some help. I hope you have found a good helper.

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My Mother's just says Dad can do everything 😖

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I have been reading the many answers with great interest. I am an 81 year old husband in good health taking care of my 82 year old wife. She wants to stay in our home. I would like to keep her at home, but as this thread says, “for as long as possible.” I have been struggling with determining the point when it is no longer possible. I have been gradually increasing the home care I employ, but I know the situation is taking a toll on me. I’ve looked at several assisted living places, but none of them seem prepared to provide the level of care she requires. She has mid dementia, but constantly thinks she has to go to the bathroom, often with no results. Of course every time it is critical that she go immediately. I don’t know how an AL would deal with this, except even the best ones are not going to be able to run to her bed (she cannot get out by herself) to take her to the bathroom every 15 minutes, 24-7. I’m guessing they would either put a catheter in her or let her lay in wet depends for lengthy periods of time. She would be unhappy, and I would not like it, either. So I am employing more and more in-home caregivers while trying to decide when it is no longer possible. Suggestions?

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I think a facility would put her on a toileting schedule (every 2 hours in daytime) and incontinence briefs with an extra absorbent liner to cover her when asleep.
Does she pass urine when she is gotten up to the toilet most every time? If yes, ask her MD to work up for UTI, and consider urologist evaluation.
This behavior can be anxiety based - fear of having an accident or smelling bad. Can you sometimes distract her with TLC and diverting her attention to something pleasant?
Sometimes the need to void becomes the words used whenever there is discomfort somewhere in her body. (Like kids have a stomach ache when they are scared.) Is she acting like she is uncomfortable? Does she need to have a BM? Does she need to change position?
Or this just may be the way agitation shows itself in her. A low dose of antidepressant (trazodone and mirtazapine are well tolerated by elders) or a low dose of quetiapine (an antipsychotic and the only one of that class that is supported by research for use in dementia) or a mood stabilizer (such as divalproex) can all help to adjust the brain to decrease the agitation that is driving her behavior.
These meds are not always helpful and antipsychotics have a very bad reputation. Treating agitation in patients with dementia is an art as well as a science..we dont know enough about what is happening in her brain as the disease progresses.
See if there is some way to reduce her distress....at home....partly to prepare for move to a care home setting.
It's a hard job, caring for your partner with this disease. Support groups and social workers can help...ask your MD for referrals.
Take good care .

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Everyone says they want to stay in their own home, but they say it without understanding what that really means. They say it without knowing what particular health issues they are going to have. They say it assuming that someone is going to give up their lives to take care of them. We would all like to be perfectly healthy, pain free and independent right up until the end and then magically go in our sleep. Unfortunately for 99% of us, that is not going to happen.

Your dad is going to have to speak up for himself. He will only be able to make that tough decision if he knows you and your sister back him and will support him in the decision. Take him to look at care options for her or at least look into home health care to take some of the burden off of him. Maybe they come in to bathe her or to watch her for the day so he can get away. If her care is still too much, definitely look at nearby facilities. He can visit her as often as he likes!

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Giving up all previous ways and routines of life that people have enjoyed for decades, is cruel. Nobody is willing to take that step. Old people will fight to the end to stay where they have always been. Nevertheless, reality will make it clear that there a point when old people need to move to AL facilities. Someone with a sharp mind has to make that decision and that person is not going to be the affected one. Emotional issues need to be put aside while assessing if elderly parents should continue to stay at home.

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I carefully re-read AnnReid's comment. I find no reason to apologize and stand by every word of my response to it.
When a person feels guilty about something they did, there's a reason.
For me, I believe moving an elder out of their home into a care facility should be last not first. An AL facility is different than an independent senior community. It's one thing to downsize into a smaller place that's easier to get around and maintain. No one is deprived of their liberty in an independent senior community. They are free to live as they wish and come and go as they please. That is not true in an AL facility. I've known and worked for many elders who were coping well enough in their original homes or in independent senior housing with some help coming in who were placed in care facilities against their will. Or seniors who had to go into the hospital for something or who were supposed to be temporarily receiving therapy in a rehab that never went home again and for no other reasons than they were an inconvenience to their family or there was an overly zealous nurse or social worker involved who wanted that company bonus.
Of course many elders do have to go into facility care because their needs cannot be met at home anymore.
I think it's wrong for someone to persuade a family into placing a senior into facility care before even trying the homecare option or live-in caregivers. Sure sometimes it doesn't work out and a care facility is the only other option. Try it anyway though. Everyone's "independent days" are numbered.
I hope I never have a friend like AnnReid. A friend that will persuade my family to deprive me of my home and liberty by dumping my a$$ in a care facility as the first and only care plan.

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I had to move both of my folks out of Independent Living and into Assisted Living after dad fell and broke his hip and IL was no longer a feasible option. They loved AL life, both of them, and have had a good experience with it. Dad passed in 2015 and mom stayed in the same AL until her dementia combined with becoming wheelchair bound forced a move into the Memory Care bldg in summer of 2019. Safety is the number 1 concern for your parents, not 'aging in place' and all that idealism. AL is not the house of horrors some make it out to be, either. It's more like a hotel with caregivers on staff, in reality. Memory Care is another ballgame, really. But then again, so is advanced dementia. Nobody wins when dementia is in the house.

If you let things happen as they may, then the decisions get made FOR you by hospitals and rehabs. Elders who are either mentally or physically incompetent are not permitted to live alone or w/o full time caregivers helping them out at home.

Whatever you decide to do, no judgement here. Wishing you the best of luck with trying to do the right thing and getting judged for it, no matter WHAT

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So in conversation with my "I want to stay in my hoooome." mother. (insert sing songy voice.) She said...well you would want the same thing!

I said...no, I will have to be an adult, be watchful and proactive in assessing my abilities to stay in my home independently when I'm your age. I don't have children or close relatives so that means I'm completely on my own and will have to make an adult decision. If I can't drive etc etc....I won't be living in my own home but will have to move into a more appropriate situation.

Sometimes the truth hurts mother.

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Shifting from child to parent is difficult when you become the parent to your parents. Many of the decisions I have made for my mother's care have been thru the lens of viewing my mother as a child. She has dementia and while she can do nominal self-care, so does a 4-year-old. But can a 4-year-old make decisions of health care. Do you let a 4-year-old wander a neighborhood by themselves? Can the 4-year-old cook, lift a box of "things", clean a room, shovel snow, take care of a yard, do laundry, you see where I am going with this? It is heartbreaking that my mom is no longer my mom, but she is my mother, and I will make the tough decisions to keep her safe, clean, fed and looked after, just as she did for me as a child and I did for my children. The difficulty is this is end of life care, the 4-year-old will grow and learn, end of life care means they will never grow up. Denial of the inevitable is difficult for many people and this affects one's perspective of reality. I wish you well during this very personal challenge everyone here has experienced. In the end, you will make the best decisions for you and your parents.

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Lmrlmr, it's unclear from your updates if you've had any private conversations with dad about bringing in help or changing the situation in any way.

Unfortunately, if he doesn't initiate a change time/fate will intervene and an event will force a change at no one's convenience.

Is dad showing some cognitive changes himself?

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My parents desired to age in their home. They were hoarders and had major health issues. I kept telling them it was time to move to assisted living but they wouldn't do it. I told them if they had major medical events the move would be out of their control i wanted to avoid that for them.

the inevitable happenws and they wer both in the hospital at the same rime.

the begged to move to assisted living at that point and have been fone. My Dad passed at the end of September but Mom is stable

Unfortunately this is the way they eventually get the wakeup call when they are stubborn

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My parents at first were very opposed to having hired help. They wanted to remain in their home. At first we started with caregivers for housework only.

My dad needed a sitter while he was in rehab and he loved this lady so much she transitioned to his home when he was discharged.

Dad passed and now almost 2 yrs later mom still has the same part time evening sitter.

We also have a part time morning sitter two days a week. Sister and I take a day or two each week as we can. For now it is perfect.

Many chores are done online like banking, med refills and grocery delivery. Other supplies come via Amazon.

Mom has a visiting physician and we have just started palliative care as another layer of support.

ASL paperwork is done should we need to move her.

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A friend started she did not WANT these new grey hairs.

OK I said. What are your options? Dye them? "no" Learn to love em? "no way!" Pluck? "spose so.."

So when you have plucked bald patches from the sides & top of your head, I suppose if you don't like that look you can re-evaluate 😂

(She now dyes her hair).

I see aging, downsizing, needing help, needing help from strangers as a similar process.

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I've always had doubts that I could stay and age with my parents in their own homes. Seeing many caregivers getting burnouts I hope to let my parents be as independent as they can and moving in with them is my last resort. I sometimes see parents being very dependent when the children are around at home. Letting them keep their independence makes them more alert and resourceful, keeping their mental state healthy as they have do think and do things for themselves. Of course mobility and safety is an important consideration. Lately I started getting them some wireless LED lights to light up the floor path during the night. Little things we can do for them to help them be independent as long as possible

https://www.mycareprints.com/elderly-products-review/wireless-led-lights

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Hi LMRLMR sorry l dont have the answers but l do strongly advise that you dont move in to care for them or have them move in with you. It will most likely cost you your health and happiness as so often the carer is not valued by there parent/s when they give up so much to help them.

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How to navigate parents staying in their own home? They both made it clear that they want to stay in their home.

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