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Sometimes people are in fact negative because they are ungrateful, and only feel happy when they can bring someone else down. Regardless, you can't change another person but you can set a boundary for yourself to follow.

For example when she starts down the path of unending misery you can say "oh dear, sounds like you're having a terrible day. I'll try to catch you another day when things are better" and hang up. She may or may not shape up a little eventually but you're not a public dump for her emotional garbage.
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alot of the posts are very mean wonder how they would feel in an AL
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Lexual212 Aug 2022
So true … I’m sure it isn’t fun and there isn’t much positivity to report :( just let her talk and support her then go about your day . Maybe you need to visit more rather than all the calling . Bring flowers , her fave food etc .
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Those places are horrible can't blame her for complaining
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LoopyLoo Aug 2022
Have you been to the facility where the OP’s mother is? You don’t know if it’s terrible or not.
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I agree with a lot of the posts here.
Set some boundaries and just come to expect it. She's not being negative because she's not grateful or is trying to make your life miserable. She herself has not dealt with her own issues (eg. oncoming mortality, being vulnerable, personal regrets/failures, etc, etc...). Just don't confuse her state of mind as any kind of reflection on your part. Its entirely her own ordeal to own. You're doing the best you can.

What I like to do is to try and get a little smart with responses in a lighthearted, non offensive manners. (my mother was a negative anxiety ridden person for most of my life).

Eg. Hey there ma, how was the movie they showed at the facility?
m). It was terrible. All movies are just about young people nowadays.
~Fascinating critique. Tell me more about your perspectives on young vs old movies.
~Maybe the old people movies just werent profitable enough.
~Think you could do better? What kind of story would you tell?
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Don't interrupt and let her say everything, even those things you've heard many times in the same conversation.
Don't ask questions that you know (from experience probably) will generate a negative response.
Don't respond, don't point out positives or try to get her to see things differently.
Simple responses "Oh, sorry that is happening" even though that doesn't mean you are taking responsibility.
Change the subject as soon as possible as gently as possible.
Sometimes this may be the only way our loved ones can try to regain some of what they have lost. Just a thought...
Best of luck, and if you haven't heard it from her lately, "thank you!"
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Stop calling every day... and if she calls you don't answer. Very simple solution.
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Tonia722020 Aug 2022
wow hope you don't wind up in one- or rather maybe you should
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Good Luck with that! My 89 yr old mom also is negative. Assisted Living is not a nursing home so staffing is way less available. I tell my mom “if you want more attention from staff we could move you to a nursing home”. As much as she complains…. the very things we pay for assistance with she refuses their help!! Like showers. She will fall sneaking in the shower by her self. Laundry.. she will hand wash clothes. They do a great job with clothing..nothing lost and very well done. I have decided old women do complain. When it get tiresome I cut my visit short. That often helps slow down the complaints. I think maybe cut your call short if redirection does not work.
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I've dealt with the same thing with my mom. The negatively can be so draining! Here are some ideas: 1. Do not call every day to have the same conversation. 2. Tell her, "We can only control us. ____ is something we have no control over." Then move on. I was suprised that this worked with Mom. 3. When you visit, take something (meal, treat) that she enjoys.
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I don't have an answer for you as I am going through the same thing with my 90 year old mother-in-law. She still lives in her own home and has 24/7 care due to two falls and now dementia. Negativity, stubbornness, depression, meanness and anxiety which she is on medication for is a constant I try to turn the negativity around also to something nice, but her life is so miserable, that she can find negativity about EVERYTHING!! Granted her life is not great and she has had to recover from a fractured hip which was healing fine until she fell again and fractured her shoulder. She has needed help for seven months now. I am taking her to a neurologist in a couple of weeks to have her formally diagnosed with dementia. I'm hoping we can get different meds for her. She has been mean and argumentative to her wonderful caregivers (God love them for their patience+) She doesn't communicate well thoughts, words and names just don't come to her. She gets very frustrated when you don't understand what she is trying to say. She refuses to leave her home and go to Assisted Living and I don't think they would take/keep her very long anyway. She thinks she can still take care of everything in her old house, but she can't so I make sure everything is taken care of and she resents that. Of course she denies any thing is wrong with her. She lived alone for 15 years after her husband of 50 years passed and has been fairly independent since then. She just can't be any more. It is very sad and frustrating! I can sympathize with your situation. The best of luck! Above all.....take care of yourself mentally. I have learned that you can only do your best. Nothing will be appreciated, so you have to get past that and realize your mom can't help it. Bless you!!
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eat-pray-love Aug 2022
OMGGGGG...Your Mom sounds like my Mom minus some of the details.. My Dad passed in January & my Mom is alone. Attitude is spot on the same as your Mom's. But, my Mom has mental issues. Not sure re: your Mom? My Mom has NPD & Borderline & Early Onset Dementia. The anger-periodic cussing-slamming her hand on a table (toddler tantrum) to make her point (which is never rational) is commonplace.. I am learning to take what I can & no more. Boundaries. Change the subject. Walk out of the room to empty trash. Leave after 4 hrs. I will NOT sacrifice myself to her rest of my life. Been thru enough. Will bring in Caregivers if becomes necessary. Decade of her Alcoholism, then years of Mania (not the Manic Depressive just the hyperactivity aspect). She can live alone though bored...she has put herself in this position by being unwilling to make changes (meds & therapy) ..unwilling to make friends with neighbors.. engage in hobbies with others (not equipped to). Easy for some to take offense to this bc their elderly Parents are "normal" but you MUST protect yourself from the toxic negativity. Getting older does NOT entitle you to be an A--HOLE to anyone & everyone. You do not get to rain on everyone's parade bc you are unbalanced & unhappy with your situation. I tell my Mom let's look at old photo albums of your Europe trips..write a list of gratitudes... clean out your closet.. My Dad's stuff can stay forever. My Mom is a step down from being a full on Hoarder. Everything is a scream "NOOOOO!" or a biting criticism. PS I drive up tomorrow (2 hrs each way) to water the plants that haven't been watered in 2 wks & get her carpets cleaned + Plumber coming.. Take her grocery shopping. I tried Instacart & she yelled at me on the phone for the delivery that I told her would be at her front gate. Example to me thru all this: be as kind + independent to my Kids-friends-fam-neighbors... rest of my days. LIFE is to be LIVED & enjoyed. Do not reward SHI--Y behaviors..... Be loving but check out....
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As age advances with its myriad of issues, whatever “happy” was for your mother may well be past. So limit your exposure, call and be cheerful, listen to your limit of negativity and no more, then get off the phone, and go do something positive and pleasant. It also can’t hurt to ask mom’s doctor if a med for depression or anxiety might help her mood. A small daily dose of Zoloft was a huge help to my dad during his last years. He often called it his “attitude medicine” and it certainly did help his attitude. But in any event, know you’re never obligated to listen to an endless tirade of complaints, it’s bad for the soul
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You didn't say how long she's been there, so either she's having a tough time adjusting, or she has adjusted to the view that she's never going to like it.

PeggySue commented below 'At the facility SO works at, all staff are told at the new hire not to ask how are you. They instead say that it’s good to see you, mrs smith.', which is a brilliant approach, starting out the interaction, with a positive topspin.

Maybe trying something like that. You mentioned ''I've tried to redirect the conversation by bringing up topics in the news, activities of family members, events in my own life.' - don't give up on that, but continue to expand on it by writing down any interesting topic you come across in your life to share with her.

Don't give up....
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And I see/speak to her approx every 2 wks, any sooner would be too much for me. As she is with my dad , I can leave it for 2 wks. When/if she is alone...I try not to think about that
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At the facility SO works at, all staff are told at the new hire not to ask how are you. They instead say that it’s good to see you, mrs smith.
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anytown Jul 2022
sounds like they know what they are doing
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You have to set boundaries.

Whether this is not calling everyday, keeping the calls short, telling her you can't listen to the same complaints daily or whatever works for you. You have to take control of what you allow yourself to be subjected to.

I would try to find her a pen pal and see if that doesn't give her something positive to do and look forward to. Even a little kid sending pictures and notes can be beneficial to her.
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Sounds very difficult for you. My mum has Parkinsons and lives at home with my dad, and even though my mum is at home I can relate to your plight. My mum has a very negative mindset about old age in general and how hard everything is for her etc I do my best to direct conversation like you are doing to other topics and talk about things I am doing or my kids (her grandkids) or gardening or cooking but invariably she directs the conversation right back to her sorrowful situation. I have stopped asking 'how are you?' though. When I decide her negativity is too much for me and affecting my emotional health, I politely leave, feeling a lot less guilt about my departure now too. What I take from it when I reflect is ....this serves as a really good reminder of how NOT to behave when I get to her age and may. have health issues. In all honesty, her negativity has been the same when she was younger too , its just got worse as she has aged.
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Isthisrealyreal Jul 2022
So true that extricating yourself gets easier.
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Sounds like my MIL who is incapable of being 'happy'. Truly, I have never seen her in a moment of true joy. She is miserable and complaining about stuff that happened 70 years ago. She tells the story of my DH's birth like it happened yesterday--and her hatred of her long-deceased ex hsuband is still very fresh in her mind.

If she is calling you--just screen her calls. There's no point whatsoever in listening to the same complaints all day. It will start to get to you, if it hasn't already.

If you spoke to my MIL you would think this woman never had a joyful second in her life. It's bizarre. I stopped speaking to her over 2 years ago. I simply could not handle the negativity. She is getting worse as she ages (she's 92) and poor DH--he sees her # on caller ID and gets upset immediately.

Sadly, at this stage, nothing can be done. She hates everybody but her daughter, who is an absolute saint.

Boundaries. Maybe take 1 call a day and keep it light. You need to not let her poison you with her anger & unhappiness.
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Isthisrealyreal Jul 2022
Some people are only happy when they are miserable and they tend to be ecstatic if they can make others miserable.

They suck your life force if you allow it.

Well done for saying, no more!
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