Is it alright to have a first meeting with siblings about our Mom, without all their spouses?

Is there a Power of Attorney dicument? I would strongly recommend for your mother to clarify exactly which individual or individuals will have the ultimate responsibility for making decisions about her care in the future if she loses capacity. In an urgent, life-and-death situation it may not be possible to have a meeting and sometimes decisions will need to be made that everyone do not agree on.

I am also an in-law and having gone through something similar earlier this year, I’m in agreement with the majority that you shouldn’t exclude your SILs. If decisions are being made about moms care, whether it be everyone coming together to provide financial assistance or hands on care, it affects your SILs and you should not ask or expect your siblings to make those kind of decisions/commitments without their spouses knowledge. My husband is also the type to relay bits and pieces rather than all the details. When his dad was hospitalized and there was a care plan meeting, the 3 siblings went alone (spouses had to stay home with the kids). My husband came home and complained that it was a waste of time and that they tried to get them to take their dad home. That was all he would say about it. I couldn’t get a full explanation out of him, he didn’t know what the plan was moving forward. For months this dragged on-care plan meetings, rehab, back to the hospital, more care meetings. And he came home always saying the same thing-it was a waste of time. I didn’t like not being included in the meetings but I didn’t push the issue because my husband felt his dad needed to go in to LTC. But I know him. I know him better than anyone. And I know that he always feels obligated to go along with his siblings. They can both be dramatic and take things personally so he doesn’t go against them, just to keep the peace. So during this time in our lives, I was on edge every time a meeting was planned because......we were being pushed to take FIL home. He would need at least one full time (8hr day caregiver and he couldn’t afford that. My BIL and SIL weren’t against taking him home but neither of them actually thought it through. He lived with BIL in BILs tiny house so.....BIL thought he would have to pay for caregivers and he couldn’t afford that so he was hung up on that. He never thought past the financial part & considered that his home would be taken over by FIL and turned in a hospital (FIL was on a feeding tube, chest tube and catheter) and that he would be the one providing hands on care when the caregivers day ended and all weekend. SIL thinks emotionally and she didn’t want him to die in a nursing home because it was too depressing. So she wanted to get him an 8-5 Monday thru Friday caregiver and bring him to her house. She was going to make her son & daughter Start sharing a room. And that’s as far as she thought it through. She didn’t think about who would pay for a full time caregiver and she didn’t consider that....once the caregiver left at 5pm, SHE would be providing hands on care for a bedridden invalid for 16 hours until the caregiver returned. And that she would be taking care of him 24hrs a day on the weekend. No doubt she would have expected us all to help because she has family obligations (young kids and a husband). She would have expected us all to split the cost of the caregiver. My BIL would have refused to pay his 1/4, he has never in 20 years been willing to fairly split the cost of anything, so we would have had to pay more than 1/4 of the cost.

and had my FIL come home, my husband would have just gone along with his siblings! With no thought as to the impact it would have on his family! And had I had tried to broach the subject, he would have shut down the conversation and said “he’s my dad” (aka, he’s obligated to do this) and “we’ll make it work”. It would not have been fair to his family to go along with 2 major decisions-financial assistance and hands on care. Not fair at all. We’d have to find ways to cut back. We would lose family time, I’d run myself ragged taking my kids to sports practices, games and maintaining the household.

Just remember, your decisions and actions can have an impact on the rest of the family. So don’t purposely exclude anyone.

I think that anything that feels like separation should be avoided. That is how it felt to your SILs, whether you intended that or not is beside the point, they felt that.

I would get the ladies together and ask them to please forgive me, I am really stressed and didn't think this through, I truly only wanted my mother's sons to hear me. I know how much they depend on you as a spouse and I thought that they would never hear me with you all present. I was blind in my thinking and I really hope that you can forgive me. (Hugs all around) then tell them about the meeting and your stress from everything that you are enduring with your mom.

We all screw up, it is how we deal with those mistakes that matters.

I hope you can mend the hard feelings and work together as a family. Hugs for you!

I don't know. I'm of the thinking that immediate family needs to know and extended family is on a need to know basis. Once a care plan has been established, then extended family can be brought on board. If they wish to help after that it's up to them.

I know with my mom's situation the extended family were not involved and seemed okay with that. Mind you, even my immediate family weren't that involved either sad to say. I did most everything.

I totally get what you are saying, we are at this point also and I have wanted to have a meeting with my siblings but I know my brother will bring his wife and daughter who is 20+, who does not belong in the family meeting right now. I wouldn't ask my adult sons to be there.

I think you are just going to do what you feel comfortable with. Do not invite them but publish an email afterwards with the summary of the meeting, then they can voice their opinions to your brothers. That is what I am planning on doing. My husband does not want to be at ours and I am having it on neutral ground since there is already tension between siblings.

I feel at the planning stages for moms future it should be just siblings, I do not want to hear eight different opinions from all.....Then I plan on emailing a summary to all the family, if they have concerns, I am telling them to voice them to their mother or father.

Good luck, Karen

I always let my wife and her brother deal with their parent's issues themselves and helped out and offered my opinion when asked. I did not feel offended. I respected their feelings. I refused to be a Nosy Nellie.

Which is more difficult:
keep it to "mom's children only" and have to wait for feedback (my hubby and I have a deal to always discuss issues like this together before making decisions)
or to include all family members and deal with every person's personality to get more immediate decisions.
Both are fraught with problems, as you are already dealing with. I think this is why there are POAs for financial and medical decision-making. It seems it would be better to seek the advice of a Lawyer specializing in elder care to help obtain POAs. Then, you would only have meetings with others when you wanted to enlist their help, not their advice.

Hello anon,
It is my opinion that a first meeting with just sibs is a pragmatic choice. After that, given your various sibs' level of involvement, the SILs could be included in any future meetings.
Take care of yourself.
I wish you well,
R27

For a change, I didn't read all the comments so probably someone already mentioned this idea.

I wouldn't have called a meeting to as you put it, "the whole point of the meeting was to have the boys interact with mom more, and stop telling me every untrue thing she has to say about me to them.
The more I do for Mom the more she tells the boys the opposite."

From now on, if ANYONE starts to tell you what Mom said, just tell them you do not want to hear it. Stop it right then. After a few times of you repeating this they will stop trying to "inform" you.

As for the boys interacting with mom, their wives need to be a part of the discussion. Remember, their wives are who they sleep with, eat with, play with and depend on for sex.

It sounds to me like you are overwhelmed, sounds like you need to back off from your mom, if that means placement, so be it. If it means putting ID caller on your phone so you don't answer her calls, do that. You need to start taking better care of yourself. ((HUGS))

I would not use the meeting format for your family. My suggestion would be a weekly or monthly email. That way you'll keep control of the conversation. Break into different parts - mom's condition, challenges, how you are doing, and specific requests you have, including requests to stay with her if needed, and what she needs , and upcoming appointments or events. Tell the brothers/wives to respond.

If your siblings spouses genuinely care and visit your parents regularly then I would certainly include them in meetings. If they are showing no interest what’s the point in having them there.
I refuse to have a meeting with one of my siblings spouse as I’ve been criticized about my care. I’m stressed enough without having to deal with an absentee sibling in law who would rather criticize than offer help.

Hogwash, you don’t need to have a meeting with spouses to talk about your mom. In fact, what is the big deal? They can go talk among themselves when the meeting is over, and the second meeting can be with everyone as you come to a understanding.

This new trend that you should not separate or bring everyone in to discuss a problem dilutes connection. In fact, you will find it even more difficult bringing all these opinions in without having a understanding first and moving into the planning stages.

Spouses are not immediate family unless it’s the husband and wife and their children. A son or daughter in-law does not trump the “real child” in a family. Your mom did not birth her daughter or son in law. Siblings/children, parents, grandparents. Spouses and in-laws are secondary. That is why no court will look for a in-law before trying to contact a child or the other parent. Sorry but hierarchy and pecking order does matter in the higher courts to stop confusion.

In-laws who get offended is immature at best and controlling. Since the last 20 years since social media came on the scene, I can’t believe how childish and drama like people have become. I see your point of view and support it.

You just want one meeting with your siblings not a darn inquisition.

With that many people having a voice in mom's care (SILs included), it may either be too much enough information or a brainstorming session. The later COULD work if everyone knows you will be moving forward with the best PLAN OF ACTION.

When there is just 3 siblings, that is all that we need. Too much drama in our family. Mom is almost 89 and things less said, the better.

Try the meeting again, on their terms.

When my husband and I agreed to take care of my MIL the siblings had a meeting with her without me. Their r 4 children, 2 girls and 2 boys. I am the only SIL. I did not want to be involved in the meeting with the children bc I did not want responsibility of anything. It was the family to decide what is best not me. It was agreed to sell her house and move her out of state to come live with us. Out of 4 children we were the only ones willing to care for her. I agree with u that it should be the children to decide with mom. It’s their mom and they grew up with her knowing her wishes better than someone who married into the family. My husband and I have been married for 42 years but I only saw the “good side” of my MIL. It’s a whole new ballgame living with someone.