Is it normal she's so negative?

Can you take your mom out? My mom is getting less mobile, but I tranported erh to the beauty sdalon, and had her hair done. It was sketchy, but got it done. Then took her lunch, she loved her milkshake....if you can get her out once in awhile that may help. I see mom once a wekk, and i don;t call. she is one mile away from me. sometimes i go more than once.

Yes I take her out to eat or go shopping and over to my house for dinner once a week but whatever I do it is not enough. If we go to a store it's "oh I wish we could stay longer" or If she comes to my house she wants my undivided attention which I can't always do or think I should have to. If one of the kids is watching tv she expects them to change it so she can watch what she wants to watch etc.. She also doesn't understand a lot of things so I try to explain it to her. It is like a parent child role reversal. She wants to eat sweets and candy all the time too and when I tell her it isn't good for her she gets defensive and says, " I can't do anything!! I can't live!!" then a little while later she will complain about her teeth and how awful they are and how she has trouble eating. I am like well maybe you should stop eating so much candy. She does not want to hear that and says I am picking on her.

To I love mom:... Yes, being positive is difficult I know. My mom has been negative most of her life. She always saw the glass 1/2 empty. I believe to some extent this has attributed to her dementia. She is only 69 and had so much going for her. She was so talented...she was an excellent cook--(cant stand food now), she could knit, crochet anything just by looking at it. She was wise and very well put together. Always pristine in her looks and home. She always wanted everything perfect (but complained about it)...on and on. Now she can't do any of those things and I know it makes it hard because she knows enough to know something isn't right. Try really hard to think of things in a positive manner for yourself. I do in every aspect of my life except my mom. She has sucked the energy right out of me. I have my master's in guidance counseling and I teach. It is true that when we first look at a situation the first thing we do is judge either positive or negative. Then we take time to think about what we thought. Try to see the good in things before you end of ill yourself. Maine Mom: I am with you. My mom is always me me me, what about me, look at me, what if you were me? on and on. I pray everyday that I keep a healthy body and mind.

You need a break - Try telling your Mom you need surgery and will be gone for a few weeks and you will find someone else to come fix her hair while you're gone. This is a simple statement so maybe your Mom can grasp the concept easier than a big explanation. You both have some time away from each other. Who knows - maybe your Mom will be okay with this other person fixing her hair and can be something you can continue doing moving forward.

Jeweltone..I think that was a good decision to not try to talk your mom into washing her hair. I applaud you for that and just let it go. Doesn't the AL facility have a beauty shop on site? Most do…and if so, I would get her scheduled with the stylist and have her go there. That way it's an outing and she can socialize. One less thing to deal with on your end.
My sister who is a geriatric nurse practitioner, said she learned in her education that a whatever trait a person had when younger will only intensify when they are older. Hence, so many negative parents become even more so and especially with dementia when the "filter" is gone. So if this experience with my dad has taught me nothing, it's taught me to take a good hard look at myself and how I interact with others and the world. I believe I learned some of his traits early when I was a child and I'm working hard on myself to feel gratitude rather than complaints. Research does show it helps in aging well. So I am actually grateful that he's moved here…I might not ever have noticed this in myself.

This is funny you mentioned surgery. Two years ago when she started getting worse, I did have to have hernia surgery. It was a bittersweet break. I enjoyed not having to go to her home and grocery shop and clean and listen to her complain. I really thought when she moved to the AL it would be a big break for me. While it is a break from what I was doing, her negativity is still there. I called again today and asked if she was ready for me to come do her hair and she said no, come tomorrow. Well, ok. Great! I have another day at home away from the constant nagging. Harpcat, I think you are right. I have seen a huge personality change in my mom even though it has just intensified. My mom never complained about ailments like she does now either. She never was sick, never threw up, never had a headache, nothing--(no joke). She was always well, at least she never said anything. Now, everything is wrong...look at my hands, I can't walk (yes, she can), I cant eat (yes she can), I can't see (went to eye dr, yes she can- only readers at 69) I had a doctor tell me last summer that anything that may have bothered her before and she never spoke of it, will only be worse now and everything will be wrong. Everyone tells me these things, but when I talk to her, I feel like it is just my old mom being her nasty self. The difference I do see is she is no longer pristine, proper, driving, going where she wants, being social, none of the things she used to do. She quit driving on her own 2 years ago when she drove 1 hour to my house from her house and was a nervous wreck when she arrived. I had to drive her back home and she never drove again. Sometimes now she will say, I think I can drive. Well, now her license are expired. I just tell her the doctors won't let her. Harpcat, I am also in agreeance with you on being a better person myself. I have let a lot go and even my daughter, 23, will say you would have never let our house look like this, or about my 15 year old son--you would have not let me let my room get like his. A lot has to do with me being so busy with her these past 3 years and a lot of it is due to letting my mom not control how I think I am supposed to keep house, raise my children, and be toward others. I am living freely now to do what I wish and how I wish. Other than living in soul dread and guilt. Even though the guilt does not come from me thinking I am doing wrong, because I know I am and have done everything I can think of to take great care of my mom. Even other family members tell me they don't know they could do all I have done. I still have children at home--(in college and high school now). My mom thinks I should drop everything to do for her.--again can you say narcissistic?
It feels so good to write it, I just need to believe it. The filter is definitely gone...she didn't have much of one to start with, but now, shew she even says the most terrible things to my son. She says he is spoiled right to him, something she would have never done. If he is on his phone when we go visit, she always makes a comment about it. But doesn't say too much to my daughter, just him. I finally don't make them go anymore. My mom will say, my grandchildren never come anymore, I just say they are busy. I do not go in to detail about how she is mean to them. I am ready for the beach or somewhere far away for a while. My husband and I went away in the fall for our anniversary and she threw a fit. She didn't like it one bit. I heard about it for days.

I have been taking care of my mother for 6 years, and everytime I think it could
not get any worse it does. She is angry a lot, and has desire to have me have
any kind f life. I have found that at times she is aware of what she is saying, and when I leave the room when she gets too mean, she at times will come in
and apalogize. They will say thay have not eaten, been out etc... even though
they have. Your family needs to be taken care of, as well as you. JUST knowing
she is safe, eats, and is kept clean, is important, and also realize she will forget
when you have been there, try to keep in touch with one of the caregivers at the facility, to find out how she is really doing, most of the information has to be documented. Also, it may be time for a memory facility, rather than assisted living, if that is where she still is. They have better programs, and documentation than assisted living facilites.

Jewel tone my mother is like that to my children to who are 15 and 18. She wants me to be with her all the time and doesn't take in account that I have to cook supper for my family and all the other things I do as a mother. She acts disgusted when I tell her I have to go to the boys baseball games or track meets like I shouldn't let them do so much.

Jazmine1-- My mom just moved in al in march. They don't have memory care yet, but it is in the works. The residents at AL will have first chance at the memory care facility. Her memory isn't so much the issue. She does get confused and tells things I know aren't true, it is mostly loss of reasoning skills and some short term. I do keep in touch with facility and trust their word. Tomorrow being father's day, she will want me to come because she will manipulate me from my dad and husband. My parents are divorced.

My biggest question is about her meds. Have they added or changed since she went into the NH? Check that out FIRST. Some meds can cause personality changes. For example my aunt, who was usually cranky started biting people and stripping down in the hallways when she was put on Haldol to alleviate the crankiness.

That's good that your mum said 'come tomorrow'. I think my grandfather is picking up a bit. I've had a terrible cough/cold this week and was dreading making the call that I wouldn't be able to visit on Sunday. I called him and needn't have worried. he wasn't agitated at all, could hear the 'thickness' of my voice and was happy when I said I will come next week. most importantly, he did not complain at all although he did say he didn't make it to his appointment because he felt too weak (but only when I asked so I don't count that as a moan). He sounded happy and had seen a cousin during the week who took his car.

Terrible isnt it that we feel guilty for wanting to be happy and have a life? My mum is getting more and more negative if thats possible and all i can think of is running away one day with my cat! You never appreciate life until its been put onhold and you feel trapped! One day we will be at peace thats what keeps me going kinda!

MaineMom--my mom does the same thing. If I say, "i need to get home and fix dinner", she will say--"can't they fix something themselves"? Uugh! That makes me so mad. Even though I don't say anything, I want to so bad. I usually just say, well, maybe they can, but it is my job to do it for them. I did go today and do her hair and I told her I needed to leave because it was Father's Day. She didn't like it a bit. But honestly I was able to leave and not feel guilty for once.

She said, "well, I just will be here alone".

jewel - glad you didn't feel any guilt. Your mum sounds narcissistic. ((((hugs))))

kazzaa - sadly, it will only get worse... (((((hugs)))) to you too

Yes, thank you. I am so glad too. I enjoyed the rest of the day with my dad, husband, inlaws and kids. She tried her best by even asking me if I could take her home with me. I was nervous but said no. She never asks that, but I know with it being father's day, she would try to manipulate it. I DID NOT let her..:-)
kazzaa--yes, unfortunately, it will probably get worse. I have said the same thing, I want to run away and yes, I feel guilty for thinking it--but one day, we will get peace. I do feel guilty for wanting to be able to enjoy my life, but I know that is what we are supposed to do. Life is way too short for all this misery. My mom doesn't understand why everyone around her isn't as miserable as she is. Today while doing her hair one of the ladies stopped by the salon and talked to us. Before she entered the door my mom said, "oh lord, here she comes". Dreaded for the nice lady to stop in (even though she tells me no one talks to her, not true). The lady is 84 a retired teacher and full of life--i just love to talk to her (we have teaching in common) her hands are crippled with arthritis and she still tries to paint. She talks with a shaky voice and sounds just like Audrey Hepburn--love it. She was sharing some stories and my mom tried to stay focused and seem interested (believe me, it was great to have someone else in the room). After she left, my mom said, "how does she walk and how does she get dressed with her hands like that?" How does she get up and going? My mom just doesn't understand why this lady doesn't just complain like she does. Grant it, this lady doesn't have dementia. She just doesn't want to live alone and loves the AL facility. Something my mom said today that has kind of disturbed me though. I don't really know what to make of it. Maybe you can give me some insight. She started crying (as usual) and said, "all I have thought about is dead people". when I asked her what she meant/to explain it she just repeated herself, "I am thinking of dead people". Her mother died at 90 in October and I asked her if it was mamaw. She began to tell me of a lady she worked with years ago, and other people I hadn't heard of before. then she did say she keeps seeing my grandmother in the casket..grant it, a few weeks ago she couldn't remember going to the funeral and would cry that she didn't go. I am confused and have not heard of someone thinking of "dead"people.

My mom talks and thinks about dead people a lot..that was her family and friends and my dad..so she feels connected to them and her past life not her current life where she does not have friends and I am her only family. I think it is pretty normal, and not anything to worry about. I am new to the forum and everyone is super helpful. I understand so many of your feelings and I just wanted to say that counseling helped me tremendously. Especially with feeling guilty and understanding my boundaries. Wishing you all the best.

My mom constantly says she wants to die.,everything that comes out of her mouth is negative. My sisters and I have told her that it hurts us to hear her talk that way. I am the only one that lives with her so it's 24/7. When she talks to my sisters she puts on a show, but as soon as she hangs up she goes back to her old ways. I try so hard to make her happy by taking care of her and the house, nothing seems to make a difference. She is so cruel to me sometimes that I want to just get in the car and leave, go as far away as possible. My dr. Said something needs to give or I'm going to end up sick' I've tried taking her on outings, to get out of the house, she has no desire to do anything, she is on antidepressants but they don't seem to help. She swear like a sailor ( never did it before) and screams at my poor father,she told my dad that he likes me more than her. My dad and I can't even have a five minute talk without her thinking were conspiring against her. I agreed with my sisters that we would take care of our parents until the end, but I'm the only one thats doing it! I've tried to get my sisters to pick up the slack to no avail. My sister told me if,something happened to me she would step,up, so,what,do I have,to,do? Die? I'm losing it

Glad you enjoyed the rest of the day. Good you did not take her home with you. :)
I have wanted to run away often, and don't feel guilty about feeling that way. Who would want to do what we do? I have also cut contact or reduced contact a few times for my own survival. Isn't it wonderful talking with "nice" older people? I enjoy it. Mother has been self centered all her life and sounds like your mum had been too.

Reading on the site it seems that those with Alz do relate to dead people - talk about them, "see" them. I think it is part of the disease. I wouldn't worry about it. It is inevitable that your mum will progress through the disease, as it is with my mum with vascular dementia. New behaviours indicate that the disease is progressing, which it will. It is sad and we need to grieve the little losses. Your mum sounds depressed. Is she on any antidepressant? It is possible that she is realising that she is declining, and that she is closer to the end of her life, as all of us are every day, but when you have a disease like Alz it stares you in the face, I would think. I remember when my father was early in vascular dementia. He was concerned that all of us would be OK when he passed. It was almost easier once he did not realise what was happening to him

lisarusso - (((((hugs))))) sounds like your mum needs hired caregivers or to be placed in a facility as care giving is getting too much for you. Your mum sounds like many on this site in that there is nothing you can do to please her. You are not responsible for her happiness - or any one else's happiness except your own. If your doc is saying something must change for your health's sake, then something must change. Other have made commitments - thinking they could look after a parent till they passed and have not been able to keep that promise. Tell your sis that if she doesn't step up - and give her some very specific suggestions like X days a week, or evenings or whatever works for you, that you will be looking a placing your mum in a facility, as you can not continue as you are. If your mum has Alz or some other dementia (she sounds paranoid) she may need a facility in the future anyway. Who has POA -your dad or you? You could leave - just be sure to give your sis decent notice of when! Can your parents afford to bring in some caregivers to give you a break? Is your dad a vet. VA can help, also the local agency on aging and Social Services as well. You need some help soon! Good luck!

It's probably normal to be thinking about something that will be your own fate soon. A number of my grandfather's close friends/ acquaintances have died over recent years and when I am in that situation, I know I'd be thinking about it a lot too. I don't really see it as negativity though - just him trying to come to terms with things.

I know what you mean about the negativity. My mother constantly complains about my father, the neighbors, the doctor, you name it. It has gotten to the point that I avoid being with her for any length of time. Once during a long car trip I told her that since I couldn't do anything to fix the problems and it was depressing to me to have to listen to the same rant again and again and that she cold say one more negative thing and after that each time I just changed the subject. I refused to engage with her and looked for something to distract her. I call it "Ooh, Shiney" to myself, like shaking a toy to distract a toddler. I don't even address the issue she is complaining about, I just bring up a new topic about her family, or her childhood, etc. She often manages to turn one of those topics into a complaint, but I shake another shiney object and move on. Hope this helps.

Jewel tone : thank you for your response. My mother sounds a lot like mine. She is very self - centered now since she has had dementia. I know it's not her fault but I wish she would understand that I have a life too and it isn't all about her. It's always "poor me". I guess I just need to accept the way she is because it is not going to get any better.

I mean't to say your mother sounds a lot like yours.

Mine oh bother, I am losing it too.

Ha ha..I think I am losing it too sometimes and my kids will laugh and say really? you are worrying me. My mom is not on antidepressants. They have tried everything. only xanax works some. The doctor told me that it is patchy when dealing with dementia and depression. She will tell me she is depressed. She
knows enough to know something isn't right. Being that she is 69, I know we can go through this a long time. I am slowly trying to back away. I am an only child it makes it hard, but it seems some have sisters that won't even help. I believe I would get a caregiver to come in and help out. If there is any money to do this with, absolutely do it. You need a break! It is hard to take a break, believe me, but getting away is very necessary. I cannot imagine living with my mom all the time. I thought about it, but doctors talked me out of it. Smart move. My mom also is paranoid that we are always talking about her. So, yes, once again I feel guilty talking about it on here. But I know she doesn't know.

My mother doesn't live with me. She in an assisted living facility in our town, but she wants me to come over all the time. She has been diagnosed with frontal temporal dementia a few years ago. She is also very depressed. She gets very confused and in a fog a lot of the time. I feel bad for her that she has this and have a lot of anger. It is hard for all of us because you can't have a normal conversation with her and she doesn't understand a lot of things that you would expect her to know. It is really sad. Well, thanks for listening.

That is what my mom was diagnosed with too, frontal lobe. That is where the reasoning skills are. My mom does not understand so many things. She gets obsessed with the thermostat. She wants to know why they make it so difficult, when really she just doesn't know how to use it. What is sad, my mom lived by herself and was VERY independent until 3 years ago. She went down hill very fast. She has plateaued now. We went through many changes in 3 years (actually looking back, it has been about 6 to 7 years) didn't notice what the changes were all about until now.

It's so sad so many elderly get so negative, depressed, so depressing and angry that they drive people away. I don't know how people can work with them. What's the percentage of that behavior in that population? I can't believe that it is inevitable that humans cave in to such defeat and bitterness. It's a great lesson for us to take a vow of cheerfulness and to be different in the way we believe is a better way. To deal with the issues of what's death, and do I ever have to let go of my ego? To consider the unforgettable beauty of humility versus the vain pursuit of being right, making others miserable...etc.

I saw a 90 year old Indian mother of a friend of mine. She as visiting from India. She was so frail in ther white sari and held a bright red rose in her knarled hands.
She and I were with a group of devotees who were there to commemorate Paramahansa's visit to Newburyport in the 1920s. We each had a rose to toss in the ocean to remember this great master. The elderly woman turned to me and said softly, "Pray for peace. Peace for the world." That's the kind of elderly person I want to be.

Amen, juddabuddhaboo!