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LOL...YOU mean you still haven't figured out EVERYthing is OUR fault? You are absolutely correct, people who get it know it's not our fault. The one's who don't aren't going to so we need to learn to just let it go. That is the hardest lesson for me, and is even a shock to SOME who do know. And it's more than just hygiene issues at times and reflects one's own personal opinion and experiences. So my mom has dementia and we and dad who is active at 102 live together. Mom has not ever wandered, and yes of course there can always be a first time. We live in a nice neighborhood and if she did I know she wouldn't get far, in short, I'm not worried, right now. But our neighbor, my age, former classmate, their DDS, and whose own mother has dementia and was put in a NH (which may have been best for HIS situation) clearly disapproves of our choice considering that at 6:30 one recent AM he was on his way to work and saw my mother at the end of the driveway bringing the trash/recycle bins back to the top of the driveway before they had been picked up. SO? No harm. Not his business, and 5 minutes later he wouldn't have seen her.
The only thing, for your sake as well as mom's comfort I'd be concerned about is the odor which does get obnoxious for all. I'm grateful we don't have that as it could be the tipping point.
PS: I laid out 2 nice outfits for mom to pick from to come to their 70th anniversary lunch...and she put on a resale shop special. I was not happy, but decided who cares. I heard from a former coworker who said someone she helps insisted that a bathrobe was a coat and rather than argue, they took her to church that way. The world did not end!
Your local alzheimer's assn may be of some help, and they if nothing else have some cards that you can pass discreetly that say "my companion has alzheimer's /dementia; thank you for your patience.
From another good daughter to another...carry on:-)
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keepingup Aug 2019
You are very wise and very funny! Eventually I think, hope all caregivers learn to weed out the judgers.
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This is dementia for sure. My wife went through this stage of not changing her clothes or bathing, and sometimes I had a problem even getting her to change her Depends. I does not reflect on you or your care of her. Recall that she likely wants to care and wants to cooperate with you but there is something in her brain that blocks her from executing what she knows she must do. What saved my wife was when we hired home health aides to come in and give her a bath from head to toe, apply lotion such as Eucerin where her skin was raw and rashes were developing where the skin came in contact with urine. The aides are an expense but you might find them worth while for the treatment and how they may change your Mom's attitude and in her looks. The aides usually have much experience in dealing with these problems and getting "clients" as they call them, to cooperate when you can't, Hope for better times!
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Oh this is such a hard time!! My mother recently passed away after about 13 years with dementia and about the last half really rough. While still at home with my dad, she wouldn’t wear depends and everything was spoiled...
everywhere!! We lived out of state and would go and wash everything when we could. After my dad passed she lived with me a few months. I quickly saw how bad her hygiene was and she kept infections. After a few month we moved her to assisted living. Like another post mentioned, they said don’t bring panties and she will start wearing depends. She transitioned better than we ever thought. Her infections were less. She always wanted her hair fixed and i tried to keep her appearance looking like I knew she would want me to if she had her right mind. Other families always commented on how nice she looked. Some could hardly believe she was as bad as she was because outwardly she still held a nice appearance most of the time. Of course if she was having a bad day, we didnt force her. It definitely takes work but it’s worth it. Best wishes to you on this journey... a doctor told me enjoy today because it doesn’t get better and he was so true.
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Ask your sister to move in with her and straighten her out. That should educate her...
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VintageValerie Sep 2019
I laughed out loud...and second the motion. You could not have said it better!
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I know sometimes it feels that way...but as others have said, it's not. My step-father who does NOT have dementia but who is very obviously depressed has chosen to wear Depends rather than get out of bed to use the bathroom. He stays in bed for hours or days at a time despite attempts and arrangements to do things to picque his interest. He rarely shaves and bathes only if one of his grandchildren come over and remark that his bedroom smells musty.

He has often gone out into the community unshaven with a summer shirt and wool pants...but I will take that over just lying in bed. It's not the end of the world...and also gives us something to talk about and him to think about other than staying in bed mourning my mother.

I find this time frustrating...especially when others who aren't in your position stand outside and want to judge what is going on. Those of us who are caring for a loved one know there are about 100 nuances to every situation.

I think others have given you some great advice. Of course, you don't want your mother's skin to be infected or, heaven forbid, develop a UTI because she has developed some bacterial infection. But if it's just about "the look" or even the minor smell, then I say you're doing the best you can under difficult circumstances.
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Sounds like mom should really be in a facility.  I feel for you.  My mom is in assisted living and looks like a homeless person most of the time.  I wash her clothes weekly, but I am not there to dress her daily and she puts the same clothes back on even though they are stained from the day before.  I have had to find a level of acceptance about this...it will drive you nuts if you don't.  Mom's hair is dirty and glued to her head even though I have folks coming in to get her into the shower twice a week.  She will say..oh I have already washed my hair (even though she hasn't)  I wouldn't say it is a reflection on you, but you know if your mom were in her right mind, she would not want to be walking around smelling like pee.  If she is letting her personal care go, what else is she not doing?  Does she still handle her finances, cooking, etc?
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This is not a third world country.  We have bathing facilities designed for hygiene purposes.  If your mother is not financially able to care for herself, then contact DHS and they will see that she receives the care she needs.  I agree with your sister.  Someone in your family needs to step up to the plate and gain control and get your mother the help that she needs.  Other things like body lice, skin diseases, head lice, etc., WILL come into play if she is not properly cared for.  To leave her in this condition and KNOW about it is unacceptable.  Neighbors will contact DHS or SOMEONE will contact the authorities then YOU will be answering some uncomfortable questions.  Do you want that?
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Your profile statement could be mine!

If your sister is so smart, let her take the tasks on and see how it goes!

It isn't a reflection on you, it's the dementia. However, it isn't healthy or safe for her to continue like this. Mom would say she was "fine, independent and could cook", none of which was true (only in her mind.)

As for those saying to get/use POA, this DOESN'T allow you to force her to move or accept aides. Our EC atty told us this and suggested guardianship (expensive and time consuming!), but the place we chose for her wouldn't accept "committals." We planned the move and just before that she developed cellulitis. She didn't have enough sense to know she needed to have it looked at and treated! It delayed the move a few days, but YB used it to create a ruse (fake letter from 'Elder Services'.) She was angry but went with the move.

Our mother isn't really incontinent, but sometimes can't get undressed fast enough. She refused to use disposables, so we removed her undies and replaced them (she was in MC then.) The first UTI manifested as being out of control! The more recent one was detected after many extra charges for cleaning her, her clothes, bedding and the carpet. She won't go when they suggest or try to get her up at night. Like your mother, mom was refusing to go to doctor appts. Even now she will come up with everything she can think of, like a 2 yo, to avoid going! There are home tests you could use to test for a UTI (also get one of those "hats" to place in the toilet, to collect urine.)

You and your sister (any other family members?) need to make a plan. Just saying mom is stinky or unkempt being a reflection on you isn't cutting it. Having POA will allow you to take over things like finances and be involved in medical decisions, sign paperwork, etc., but if you don't have it already, it may be too late or she could refuse. Do either of you live nearby? If so, you could introduce aides as friends and be there when they come. If not, it isn't likely this will work. Your mom can refuse to let them in (ours did!) The only other option, short of guardianship, is find a way to get her to move to MC. This may require trickery - say major work needs to be done on the house, tell her she's won a free vacation, fake letter from APS, whatever works!

I wouldn't resort to calling APS as they could turn it around and blame you two. It isn't going to be easy or pretty, but it will need to be done. You may have to get an EC attorney involved. Does mom have assets to pay for AL/MC? Does she own a home or is she a renter? If no assets, Medicaid can be applied for the facility, but it will not pay for legal help.

See my "reply" for comparison to behavior (not enough characters left!)
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disgustedtoo Aug 2019
We had an assessment done by a nurse from the aide company being considered. She confirmed dementia and gave us some pointers. We hired aides initially to have a sanity check and ensure she was taking her meds (got a timed dispenser, but she might not take them if she missed the alarm.) The aides were only 1hr/weekday and after about a month and a half, she refused to let them in. Time for plan B, the move.

She, like your mother, refused to move anywhere. This is despite often mentioning moving to AL at some point. When this was suggested, she flatly said she would NEVER live in a place like that! She used to go to all the open house/free lunches in local places, and would say they were nice. She also wouldn't consider offers from brothers to have her move to their place. I chose not to offer as my house wouldn't be accessible to her, is only half "repaired" and I can't support her weight.

We installed cameras to monitor during the initial aide attempt (none of us live close enough to do daily checks.) These were at the front door (in/out) and finished basement. While she "seemed" okay, over time she developed this OCD behavior checking the door, sidelights, dishwasher and LR over and over for 1-1.5 hours before bed! Most likely this was her manifestation of sun-downing. I also noted she started wearing the same outfit days in a row, once up to 6 days! While I don't consider this a huge issue if the clothes are clean, this was a woman who ALWAYS had a different outfit on every day! When one brother was visiting, he pointed out that she had ice cream stains on her clothes. She just laughed about it.

Our mother had more clothes, shoes, handbags, jewelry, etc - enough that we could open our own store! I didn't realize how BAD this was until we had to clear the condo out. She would have a different outfit for everyday or special occasion, yet resorted to the same set of clothes, not even the 'nicer' ones. She was also previously one to eat proper foods and could make elaborate meals. It wasn't until I recognized that she was having issues with memory and we attempted to intervene with hiring aides to come in how bad it really was (she also lived alone.) In her case, it was partly hygiene and dressing with new clothes, but also in food choices and personal care. Not being there every day, I can't say what else might have been a problem. We did find what is likely pee spots on the floor. Not sure how many sweets she ate (she did like them at this point!), but after taking her car away and helping with groceries, it was clear she was no longer cooking - mainly frozen dinners and packaged stuff.

Replace your mom's TV viewing with the newspaper and/or magazines and sales catalogs. She did used to watch programs, and the evening news, but likely stopped that when she couldn't control the remote.

So, definitely these are manifestations of dementia and need to be addressed. Her refusal to have help or move will require some finesse. Sister needs to step up and come up with helpful ideas rather than just saying it is a reflection on either of you. She also needs to understand that these issues are a result of the dementia - in their own minds, they are fine, they are doing all the ADLs, but clearly she isn't.

One other note - whether yourselves, aides in home or MC facility, mom can't be 'forced' to shower/change. Even with dementia, they have the "right" to refuse. Any capable aide/staff know how to coax and cajole to get compliance, but it may not work all the time!
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I feel that everyone must be responsible for themselves. Others should offer to help and really try to do the best and find solutions. However, some people simply will not, no matter what the reasons, do anything about doing the "right" things. That is a reflection on THEM - their stubbornness, their selfish attitudes, their not caring, etc. It has nothing to do with YOU. Do what you can to correct the situation but face the fact you probably can't fix it and it will get worse. In that case, if you truly tried, then I say let them sleep in their own shit. And sure as there is night and day, do not allow them to live in your home and contaminate your surroundings with their crap and behavior - no way. Place them or get someone else to care for them. Do not get involved any longer - it will become pure hell.
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disgustedtoo Aug 2019
Sure, people should be responsible for themselves, HOWEVER, a person with dementia doesn't have the wherewithal to understand that they are NOT caring for themselves!

It isn't about being stubborn, selfish or not caring, they don't KNOW that they are not caring properly for themselves!

Agreed being unkempt and/or smelling of urine it is not a direct reflection on the family members, but it is something that needs to be addressed, and it HAS to be more than just allowing them to sleep in their own shit. THAT is irresponsible.

Family also NEEDS to get involved. That doesn't mean they have to take her into their own home or move into the person's home, but you can't just ignore the situation. It isn't easy to bring in aides or get the person to move, believe me I know first hand how that goes. But allowing it to continue as is would be wrong (and could result in charges, if authorities get involved.)

Our mother cooked good foods, and wore a different outfit every day until dementia snuck in. In HER mind she was still FINE, INDEPENDENT and could cook/care for herself. She had NO clue that she wasn't fine, independent or could cook/care for herself. She refused to let the aides in after a couple of months and refused to move ANYWHERE. Stubborn? Yup. Selfish? Some. Not caring? Hardly, but again, in HER mind she WAS taking care of everything. SHE had planned to move to AL when the time came, but with dementia that changed.

WE have to understand all this and take charge to make the changes happen. Difficult? Yes. Impossible? No.

Dementia is not for the faint-hearted, but ignoring the issue or chalking it up to being stubborn, selfish or not caring is wrong.
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Typically people on the outside have no idea on what it takes to take care of an Alzheimer patient including our own siblings. I am almost sure she is not as involved on your moms care as you are. Be kind to yourselve and do what you can. We have been caring for my MIL for years with the help of many other people and we still have accidents. Best Wishes!
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I don't feel it's a bad reflection on you or your siblings. The thing that concerns me is she can get an infection from not maintaining her hygiene. Does she have in home care to help her shower, dress, etc.
If it was my mother, I wouldn't care what other people think. Maybe you could purchase diapers that look like underwear.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I have never dealt with Alzheimers hands on, but have friends who are taking care of parents with it. It is an unfair disease and my heart, thoughts and prayers go out to your family.
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I agree with you both to a certain extent but the real factor is she safe by herself - with a person with dementia asking them to make any change even their clothes can be hard - if the clothes are just mismatched is one thing but dirty is another because she is not changing soiled underwear she is in danger of a UTI

DO NOT ASK HER ANYTHING DIRECTLY - rather give her a choice on 2 or 3 things all of which are better than what is going on - when a person is given a choice they feel in control of their lives & if possible praise her choice as good - after a short time she will feel less badgered & yammered at so might be a bit more co-operative

Who does her laundry? - because some can get lost on purpose - if she has 1 outfit she loves then go to thrift shops to see if you can get the same outfits & switch them for her - this would mean going in when she is asleep to do this - if she is sleeping in the clothes too then she is worse than you thought

From what you say, it is just a matter of time before she needs a higher level of care so start looking - do not ask if she wants to go rather say it is temporary until XXXXXXXXX is taken care of in her house - just pick something that is necessary even if you have to shut off the water main & she can't stay were there is no water! so then she needs to go to a centre 'temporarily' until it can be discovered what the problem is

My mom thought she was in a re-hab place until her hand got better & when she was moved she thought it was a resort because the staff all said the tub room was 'the spa' - it is all in the approach & terms you use - calling a room a 'suite', a dress an 'outfit' & so on - even with kids if you given a 'reward' or is it a 'bribe' same thing different slant on how it is perceived

Always remember a person with dementia reacts like a 3 year old but with more life experience - they are ego-centric to the extreme & only care for want they want - ask yourself 'if this was a 3 or 4 year old would I leave them in the same situation?' if the answer is no then do something now
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I think there are a lot of wonderful answers and suggestions here. I'd like to address the Depends underwear. Mom resisted at first and stuck with regular underwear and panty liners. Depends just don't feel good. However, there's such a wide range out there that fit and look differently that we gave her multiple types to try out. We call them 'disposable underwear'. She finally settled on Always Discreet Boutique and liked the look and fit. They are purple! After her hip surgery she needed more control so we moved up to Depends Silhouette maximum absorbancy briefs, one that she refused before, but loved later. A lot of companies will send out samples since a whole box can get expensive when you're just testing. Just having options can make a difference when you feel on the spot. I would present her with several and ask Which One do you prefer? Instead of Do you like any of them. Good luck!
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I actually disagree and think that if Mom is your or your families responsibility it is a bad reflection on you if she is smelling and looking unkept. It's a very difficult and strenuous job being a caregiver. If you are lucky enough to have a family to help Mom, you all have to dig in a lot harder. If you can not handle Mom, then she needs to be relocated to a situation that will tend her needs competently, or hire a professional to do the job right. And though she might have some dementia, most dementia patients do have awareness and intelligence too on some things, and deserve input on their own lives, unless they are truly in the ozone, in which case, should not be living alone.
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keepingup Aug 2019
Unkind. This lady is doing best she can.
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Hopefully you or someone else in your family has POA over her because she desperately needs to be placed in a memory care facility or you all need to hire her an in-home care provider. It is so dangerous for her to continue to live alone. What if she puts something on to cook and forget about it. As far as her hygiene and upkeep, that definitely needs to be adhered to as well. She has dementia, so she’s not going to remember to change her Depends or clean herself up. What if she get a urinary track infection, which are severe for elderly, from not being cleaned up. There’s other problems to think about, aside from how you or your sister appear to everyone else. She needs professional attentive care or even care from a family member. Good luck.
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Karencd Sep 2019
Can a man get a UTI from not bathing or showering?
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This is one of those occasions when you have to speak sternly and with authority. Take no excuses from her. You also need to use the paranoia common in dementia sufferers to your advantage. Tell her you have heard several comments from family members, neighbors, medical personnel, her friends - anyone whom she might see frequently and value their opinion - regarding her hygiene. Tell her in plain language, "people are noticing and commenting that you smell and you need to do something about it."

I had to tell my mom. She had always been very particular about her appearance and I knew if it weren't for the dementia, she would realize that she wasn't quite keeping herself well groomed. I told her she needed to shower, wash her hair, wear deodorant, change her clothes, and change the Depends more often. She had the ability, the toiletries, the access to clean laundry, etc., she just didn't seem to realize it was becoming a problem. Unfortunately and unfairly, it does reflect on you. She doesn't know any better anymore, so someone else has to be responsible. If she were in a memory care facility or assisted living, they would be responsible and I would imagine you would be a bit leery if you went to visit and she looked disheveled and smelled like body odor and urine. If she's living alone, she probably shouldn't be. It's very possible a neighbor, pastor, or friend might contact social services regarding her condition. Or, if she has frequent falls and has to go to the ER, they might get a social worker involved. You'll have to take the bull by the horns. It isn't easy or pleasant and it hurts to have to parent your parent, but it sounds like she really needs some supervision.
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Does she have a friend that might come in...and mention the not-bathing issue? Or that there is an odor in the house?

Perhaps ask doctor to order some in-home health assistance - a couple of baths a week. Or pay yourself and tell her the dr said these thing have to happen if she wants to live at home. Maybe someone else, besides children, saying it will help. If that works, maybe you can get a few hours a day of housekeeping so that someone has eyes on her during the day.

It's possible with memory problems, she might think she just took a bath earlier or last night.
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Karencd Sep 2019
How do you "pay yourself"?
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My parents both live with my husband and I in a small addition; two bedroom partial kitchen (no stove! Just micro and small frig). They both have moderate dementia but very different. He is confused about simple directions and loss of words but takes care of his hygiene needs. She has short term memory loss and self neglect of personal hygiene and changing outfits. She will go over a month without showering or washing her hair. I’ve tried everything. She thinks we’re lying when we tell her it’s been 4-5 weeks. I tried a companion caregiver. They dismissed her after two weeks. It’s a constant battle with mom. I’ve given up the fight. I think she is heading to a faculty soon because she is so obstinate but on the other hand has many days of fairly normal behavior other than repeating things and lack of self care. I did accomplish using disposable in continence panties! But that took months! Ugh.
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Joanne, this is not a reflection on you. You are a loving daughter and you are doing your best. Maybe you might get her always boutiqette or tena pants. Perhaps your sister may be able to help you. Maybe baby wipes?
I have many years experience and please believe me it is not a reflection on you. It is a sad part of her condition.
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I think it’s time to step in. It’s not healthy for her to be so unclean. Imo the least important thing is how it reflects on you. She needs to be in a situation where she can be kept clean and safe. You need to have POA , she obviously can’t make sound judgments and probably needs to be in an assisted living facility
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Bella7 Aug 2019
At my parents AL they don’t keep their rooms clean let alone the dear people! Both of my parents live there and neither one of them could really make a sound judgment. Sometimes I get confused on what assisted living really means and if nursing home is the answer, I just don’t know anymore. I complain about how stinky and dirty my dad’s room is and they tell me that they have tried to clean it but it’s his choice on how he wants to keep his room!
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She should not be living alone anymore. If she walks she can wear pull ups . If she’s immobile, then diapers. At minimum, she needs a live in caregiver. Don’t wait for a fall.
Hugs 🤗
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No, it is not because you are NOT her. However she shouldn't be living alone any longer. The decision is not her's, but your's.
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Regarding depends type products. Has anyone here ever had to wear such a garment themselves? I did after having kidney stone surgery, just in case. I couldn't believe how uncomfortable the garment was, not to mention that it felt like I was wearing a furnace as it was unbelievably hot. I wanted to dump a tray of ice cubes into it !!

No wonder elders don't like wearing such products. Hope someone comes up with a better cooler product when it is our turn to wear such garments on a regular basis.
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gdaughter Aug 2019
Hey ff, tell me more about the need for product after kidney stone surgery (my sympathies!). I had a tiny stone that resulted in an ER visit and by time they got to doing an CT, I was better. ....but not long after I was home a few hours later it was like really weird sudden and total loss of control! After that I was fine....
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I have had this experience with the 2 parents that I took care of as well as my stepfather whom I am still caring for. With my biological father, I had to set up a shower with a small chair so he could see it, I ran the water and would say to him with a smile on my face, “the shower is ready for you, the water is nice and warm—you don’t want to waste water do you?” Initially he kept saying no, but I would try again after a few days passed and it ultimately worked many, many times. With my mom, I had to give her bed baths using the no rinse soap and shampoo I bought at the pharmacy specializing in elder care products. She would initially resist, but I just kept telling her in all earnestness, how much I loved her and I have never asked her to do anything that wasn’t in her best interest, and I was worried she would get a UTI if she didn’t let me wash her and she would relent. With my stepfather, I put the chair in the shower, and whisper to him that I am so sorry to tell him this but he is starting to smell and people are saying things. I am able to get him to take a shower sometimes once a week, sometimes once every 2 weeks, but at least it happens. The bottom line is just like with toddlers, things works for a while, then something changes and you have to try to find a new solution. The book The 36-Hour Day was really helpful with the subtleties of resolving these issues with dementia and Alzheimers patients and offers suggestions to solve thorny situations. Personally, I had to get over my own resistance to showering all 3 of my parents myself. Truthfully, I just didn’t want to do it. BUT...after I acknowledged to myself my feelings of helplessness and yes, resentment... I was able to start looking for solutions outside the box. The situation of bathing is a challenge for certain but if you keep trying hopefully you’ll be successful. Part of the problem with allowing it to fall by the wayside is the possibility of UTI’s which in the elderly can cause severe symptoms and sometimes require hospitalization. Don’t give up, smile when u don’t feel like it and be sweet when you feel annoyed, give a few days between attempts to bathe her and then try, try, and try again. ❤️
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cwinter Aug 2019
You are a very child and caring person, and went the extra mile. Those UTI's are nasty, debilitating in a way I think many do not realize.
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joannc60, sounds like your mom's dementia is far worse than you realize. It's time to seek professional help.
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Hi Joann60 It's not your fault. It's extremely hard and exhausting trying to reason with a dementia patient. In fact there is no reasoning case closed...the dementia with my Mom. I simply cannot comprehend how she cannot smell anything or see . how she is not even close to being dressed properly. My brothers blame me for my mom's appearance. They are like two prehistoric birds with their head in the sand ..The problem is I'm not gonna stress myself out trying to dress her proper everyday. Her hygiene is another matter. I make my mom take a bath twice a week and it's a up hill battle and we're both stressed afterwards. I've tried all the soothing advise. My mom's in the tub barely five minutes and she's letting the water out. My mom's hygiene and the smell of urine in the carpet is a huge concern and the worst problem...the carpet I have it cleaned every month. It still stinks and I'm blamed for that too. My mom pees in cups and put them in a row in that room..Hence the carpet is ruined. I do need help It's the saddest thing to try and make my mom understand and they do not. We are doing the best we can..My mom's sister is the only one she might budge for..and sometimes listen to..A big hug and blessings to you.
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evanpoole66 Aug 2019
I love your name, Misseverything. I could come behind you and say Hello, my name is..Misseveryone, cause that is what I feel like as well. There are just too many jobs and personalities you have to achieve while taking care of someone with "dementia"; I keep telling people I wasn't trained for this job; I was a social worker, but not a psychotherapist. It is very draining and you sometimes feel you are failing at it to the point you can't keep up with which job to take on next. I had a training session with my Mom in the shower, I showed her some safety tips for not falling (using two shower chairs and the door handle) sitting down to dry herself, paying attention to her private parts, and call when she needs help. Sometimes I supervise and coach; sometimes I just peer/ask through the door is she ok or need help. Everyday is a challenge to find different creative ways that work, and yes, I have to do it all alone for family is of no assistance. However, this site is a God-send cause from the others' experiences, I find hope and an outlet to keep on pushing forward. I hope you do the same!

PS - you might try pulling the carpet up in some sections and in others, lay down plastic runners so you can wipe up the urine with a mop instead.
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A friend of mine brought her mother incontinence panties with flowers on them. Her mother seems to like then and will use them.

https://www.amazon.com/Always-Discreet-Incontinence-Postpartum-Disposable/dp/B0721JR6Z5/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=pretty%2Bincontinent%2Bpanties&qid=1566887079&s=gateway&sr=8-3&th=1

It seems standard that they don't want to shower. When I went through a period where I was completely exhausted the idea of taking a shower seemed like overwhelming work. Had someone offered me a bowl of hot soapy water I could have done something with that. People that come in once a week to bath the person would be an option. They have ways to cajole the person.

My sympathies go out to you.
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My mother is the same way . Ever since my dad pasted 3 years ago she just stopped caring . My mother has Alzheimer’s and one of the things she has lost is her since of smell and it’s very hard to say “ hey mom you smell” I’ve tried several ways but it always offends her. It is not a reflection on you or your family it is just the way they want to be . I found that’s it’s hard for them to loose there independence and when we want to take care of them they feel that we are bossing them around . Also mine won’t wear the underwear either and I now she has something wrong. She won’t even go see a doctor I have to take her and say I am there to see him and then say “ hey mom the doc wants to say hi” that’s the only way I can get her in there to him. But he doesn’t help much he says leave her alone let her grow old in her terms. It doesn’t help when she physically abuses me and I ask for help. I know what to do now but it’s hard she is still my mother . So stay strong and try and wash her clothes when she’s not looking , put those bed pads under sheets when she isn’t around , slowly switch out her underwear for the others . Maybe it will work maybe it won’t but she won’t have much of a choice when that’s all she has to wear. I am learning my self how to help with out her knowing since she won’t accept it anyways . There our moms we love them and we try . That’s all we can do. And if your sibling have a problem with it tell them to take over her care see if they can do better.and if they are like my sibling they won’t they will have an excuse. So if that’s the case tell them to go dry up if they won’t help out .
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Zoelove Sep 2019
Agree 100%. Same issues here sibs no help. I'm always the beast asking for help.
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No it is not a bad reflection on your family. I take care of my 90 year old mother and she has dementia and she is exactly the same way. I have tried everything possible. My mother was the most cleanest person body wise and house. But the past 5 yrs. She just won't do anything to not smell. I bought her depends for bedtime and she just threw them at me. I don't think your sister understands dementia it's an awful disease for anyone. I'm an only child so it's all up to me and it's not easy. My mother is mean and very hateful. All I can do is try to make the best out of this situation. Maybe you can take turn taking care of your mom. That would at least give u a break.
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Zoelove Sep 2019
Mean and hateful is a big one for me. Even after all these years...I just can't deal with that well. I am as nice and kind as I can be with her about everything . I help her in the shower. She sits on a sturdy chair. I help her in and out of the tub. I make her comfortable and try to give her privacy while she cleans herself. I had her showering once a week for a month. Then one day I said how about you have your shower now. She said....why cause I stink! And with that I left the room so as not to argue with her. Sooo challenging
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my mother is also very hard to connect with- though she does not have moderate or advanced Dimentia. My mom DOES receive care from a caregiver ( very bad back problems)- although showering is still an issue. I try to ask gently how her showers are going? She is addicted to pain meds so I have to help with pain management. She also does not change clothes regularly. A strong faith helps and know you're not alone! Maybe try and get a caregiver a couple times a week and they will work out a care plan.
Hang in there!!
Deb C
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