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She’s had 2 TIA’s in the last 5 weeks. We LOVE HER and can’t wait to get her here with us. She’s sharp in her mind and kind. She’s been staying up all night where she is now.How do we gently get her on our daily routine? We are retired.She also has OCD and loves to organize things.Just asking for advice. We have a bedroom, bathroom and small living room just for her. anxious about bothering her with clutter and dust. She’s offered to pay for housekeeping every 2 weeks.I just want to make her happy 🙏🏼💜

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With a month to go before she moves in, I suggest you go where she is and stay with her for a week while she downsizes. The reaction you will get in her house will be the same as in your own, same as with hygiene habits in a shared space. You should do a trial run while you still can.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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MG8522 Mar 31, 2026
This is a really good idea.
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Oh Lord! You really don't know what you're getting yourself into now do you?
We here on this Aging Care forum will all say a prayer for you as you will need a lot of them as you venture into this unknown territory
And sadly you will be back in the near future asking us all how to get your MIL out of your house because she's driving you all crazy and you can't take it anymore.
But for now since it sounds like you've already made up your mind(you should have asked us first as we would have all said NO!) I will just say...get ready to say goodbye to the good life you've known so far and hello to disruption, chaos, and care of someone who will eventually require 24/7 care. Have fun!
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Hothouseflower Mar 31, 2026
It's not rainbows and unicorns, that's for sure.
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Several TIAs led to vascular dementia and tons of sleep issues for my mother. OCD is a characteristic of dementia as is staying up all night and having ones circadian rhythm reversed. I seriously doubt you're going to acclimate your MIL to your family's schedule, and perhaps you shouldn't try. Get her set up with a geriatric doctor as soon as she moves in, one who's familiar with dementia, that's my suggestion.

Play it by ear. Have a back up plan in place if your MIL is unhappy at your home. Sometimes love is not enough to care for a 93 year old who may have more issues than you realize. She may not, and that would be great. But just for the staying up all night situation, you'll have to install locks on the doors leading to outside that she cannot reach. This is vital in case she tries to leave the home and wander around at night in the dark.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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If she has funds, I would start by hiring an overnight caregiver so that you don’t lose your precious sleep as she adjusts. If she never adjusts, you have an overnight caregiver already. I would put her funds there before hiring a cleaner. If she has funds for both, that’s even better. But do look at her full financial situation and the potential need for Medicaid and/or a future nursing home move. With TIAs already and her age, it is very likely that she’ll either need nursing care eventually for a stroke or advancing dementia or both.
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Reply to ShirleyDot
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Of course you love her. But please consider what you’re getting into. You sound like you’re trying to convince yourself that it’ll be great.

There is a reason people are telling you to not do this. Hundreds of people on this board thought they could do it themselves too. Now they are exhausted, broken mentally (and physically) and wish someone had warned them. Consider the following:

-Whatever schedule you have now will be out the window.

-There will be no more dinners out, no vacations. Friends and family will say to call if you need help, but almost none will volunteer to stay with her if you need time out. 

-When do you plan to get things like errands and grocery shopping done? She cannot be left alone. 

-Can you lift her multiple times a day and night?

-If she worsens, how will you handle the medical needs?

-Are your toilets, bathtubs, etc handicap-ready? Will her bed have safety rails? Are meds stored safely?

-Can you handle multiple toilet visits, butt wiping, diarrhea, bed urine, and getting her undressed/dressed? Multiple times a day/night?

-At her age, you may have to lock down your home to prevent wandering. Extra locks and possibly an alarm system to wake you if she leaves the house in the middle of the night. 

-Are you able to help with bathing?

- If she keeps you up at night, how do you plan to handle work/chores the next day? Same goes for working from home. 

- If you get sick or injured, what plan do you have for her care?

- You'll very likely need aides. Are you okay with strangers in the house?

- If you two are no longer able to care for her, how will you get her back into a nursing home? 

I've said before that people think they can "love their way" through caregiving. That love will be enough to sustain their energy and will. It isn't. Nor is it the same as caring for a baby. Caregivers here loved their elder dearly. They had to place their elder to save both of their lives.
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SamTheManager 21 hours ago
When you say toileting multiple times a day and wiping butts, I think some folks imagine this is going to be a lot less involved than it is. Even a person who isn't heavy becomes difficult to move around as they lose their abilities. It's usually not just an adult brief you change, but clothes and shoes. Some elders feel as if they're being assaulted by a stranger during changes and will fight you every single time. You need gloves, a mask, maybe essential oil for your nose, packs of large adult non-scented wipes, peri-cleansing spray (life saver!) and towels and paper towels every single time. Plastic bags. That's just for regular changes, it doesn't include what's necessary for a bed sore. I think you're right, they are imagining love is enough.
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Your MIL will not shape herself to fit your mold.

She's had two TIAs. Are you aware of brain damage caused by these? Personality changes (that may not have evidenced yet)? What is your plan if/when she has a follow-on stroke? Would you insist on taking her into your home afterward for long-term care? Is that why you are allocating the BR, BA and LR to her?

Your retirement is about to make a sharp turn in order to facilitate her care. You and husband need to discuss this change in your living style and decide how far you want to go with providing her care in your home. Then discuss how long you can see yourself doing it. She could live another 7 or 10 years, or even more. Husband needs her POA and should familiarize himself with the patient portal on her primary care physician's website. You'd better brace yourself because her personal care, such as bathing her, toileting her, and administering meds will probably fall to you unless husband is comfortable with dealing with his mother's naked body during hands-on care.

Please let us know how it goes!
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Reply to Fawnby
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What else has she volunteered to pay for besides twice monthly housecleaning?
How about her share of utilities and food? What about rent?

What about when she attempts to organize your kitchen? Whose kitchen is it then?
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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Have a plan in place is essential.

Will rent be paid for her inlaw quarters? It has been strongly advised and I agree with consulting with an Elder Care Attorney to make sure all documents for health care proxy, Living Will, POA and more if necessary are in place. This is not a situation where you can think "oh we love her that is what matters". Of course you love her and that is why a plan is VERY necessary because it aleviates any rushing if an emergency arises and the emotional/physical toll caregiving has on the caregiver.

And you need to make sure both you and your husband are on the same page with caregiving. Will you be expected to take on the role of helping with ADL's, changing depends/diapers, washing bedding if soiled day after day.

Things are seldom "rainbows and unicorns" so you need to prepare yourself with the posibility that you will sometimes be elbow deep in waste, have to deal with cognitive decline (it may be steep because you are removing your MIL from a familiar setting) and physical decline due to age, illness and mobility decline.

I wish you luck.
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Reply to AMZebbC
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Please let go of the goal of making her happy, or really making anyone happy. Happiness comes from within, none of us is capable of providing it for another. I watched my kind father lose his wife, his friends and relatives, his abilities, hobbies, and his health. With all that “happy” went away as well. It’s common and quite reasonable after a long life. Before she moves in clearly define what tasks you’re willing to do, keeping in mind the risk of injury to yourself in doing so, and what tasks she will need to accept the help of others to get accomplished. Bathing, showering, toileting, changing adult diapers, are all physically demanding activities, as are transferring in and out of wheelchairs and beds. Also make decisions about your private time and her participation in your activities. Having your limits known and accepted in advance is vital. As for your routine, it’s common for elders to mix up day and night, or sleep more, or eat less, or snack more, or be inflexible on their ways. Work with her as you can. Know that depression is common and may need treatment with medication. The less clutter around the better, it will make it easier for her to get around. Wishing you the best with a big undertaking
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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This is not going to be the Disney movie you are imagining it will be. Things might be ok for a bit, but they will go sideways in ways you can't imagine.
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Beedevil66 Mar 31, 2026
At least give it a chance
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