I’m trying to delicately manuever through an idea of an estate sale as I have made room for her in my small home in another state. So - no - no furniture can come with her.
1) how do I navigate her move?
I’ve stayed with her now over a year and a half since my stepdad died. She insists I buy groceries…really…she doesn’t drive anymore so I use my gas to get her groceries and am never compensated.
2) what is a way to change this messed up arrangement?
Everything I’ve done to get her house ready for sale - from gutter cleaning to power washing a large driveway- are “appreciated” but it has cost me all my savings to add a half bath and buy furniture for my “new” bedroom- which used to be my workout room in my house- nope not a penny is offered nothing.
3) as I write this I wonder - am I - an educated retired teacher really this stupid??
Mom is tough, mean and to say the least difficult to live with. Her dementia is very progressive as far as not remembering- literally asks the same thing 3 times or more in a row right after I’ve answered the question.
Her doctor doesn’t give much help or advice- and me - I’m worn thin. My brother wants nothing to do with her except of course the 1/2 if anything from the will. It’s because she’s exasperating and that’s being nice.
Help would be much appreciated!
oh and PS she’s not going to Assisted Living- if she had more $$ I believe she should be!
You are going to have to sit down with your mother and tell her that you wish to return to your own life living your own life on your own.
You are going to have to tell her, if she is competent enough to hear it, that you have a right to your own life, and that she herself has had her life.
You are going to have to tell her that she must now go into care because you are returning to your own life.
You other choice? Stay and be a caregiver and throw the rest of your life onto the burning funeral pyre of a woman who will RESENT and dislike you for it, and who will get worse and worse every day. (THAT I promise you).
You can see how well this "delicate approach" has worked, can't you?
Why will you not believe and accept what you see and experience yourself daily?
Why have you not the courage to demand your own life.
I am 81 and it would shatter me to think that my daughter would throw away her life on the end of my own. WHY should she have to do that? WHY????
That your mother wishes this for YOUR life says it all.
Your choice.
You are a grownup now.
You are responsible for the choices in your own life.
There is no happy and easy fix in end of life.
Your mother had her life. Do you want to sacrifice your own on the heap of the end?
People with dementia have NO RIGHT TO ADAMANCE. NONE. She can be as adamant as she likes in the nursing home. Sell the home and have mom placed in care. Visit when you can and be polite. And for goodness sake claim the most free years of your LIFE. Go to Rome.
Also, talk to her primary doc to see if meds are appropriate for your Mom. All the change may make her extra anxious and agitated. With cognitive decline she's much less able to regulate her emotions.
That is why you're now her DPOA, which means that you now get to make the decisions regarding her care and finances, and your sanity.
Since you're putting her house up for sale, I would take that money and pay for her care in the appropriate facility whether it be assisted living for now or right into memory care.
When your mom runs out of money you apply for Medicaid for her, and her care in the facility will continue.
You are NOT obligated to care for your mom in your home you know? You say she's already "tough, mean and to say the least difficult to live with," so why in the world would you take on this monumental chore knowing that she's only going to get worse and will more than likely need to be placed anyway?
You're already "worn thin." Do you honestly think it's going to get any better?
You already know that it won't, so do yourself a favor and instead of converting rooms in your house to accommodate her, start looking at the facilities in your area that your mom can be placed in and you can get back to just being her daughter and advocate and use her money for her care. At this point who cares about any inheritance anyway? Your sanity is worth much more than any inheritance.
Best wishes in finding the right facility for your mom.
This messed-up arrangement should have never happened in the first place! But since it has, the only way to change it is to change your mind. She doesn't move into your house. She goes to a facility. You sell her house ASAP to pay for it, or sell her valuables, or jewelry, or something. You make sure she pays for things with her own money. You stop paying for anything.
Please create boundaries and stop letting your mother, whose mind is deficient, rule the roost. How to do that? I don't know. You'll have to figure it out, and I wish you clear thinking and resolve as well as a lot of luck.
She's probably beyond assisted living help. Memory care would be my educated guess.
Please don’t move Mom in with you . Mom will try to rule the roost .
Sell her home put her into care .
You can no longer keep her informed of everything , her brain is broken and can not be reasoned with.
Your mom is going to be miserable from now on no matter where she lives .
Your DPOA should be immediate. Some are Springing, which need a Doctor to declare Mom incompetent. If yours says immediate, you are in charge of her money. You can reimburse yourself for out of pocket but...not to remodel your home even though its because of her you needed to do it. Medicaid sees you as profiting if you ever sell your house. It would be considered a gift and that would penalize Mom. Since Mom has Dementia, you may not be able to make an agreement that she shares expenses when she moves in with you. Consult with an Elder Lawyer. But you can use her money for her personal needs. Like balances on doctor bills not paid for by insurance. Clothing, haircuts, toiletries she wants or likes. Special foods she wants. I know this may sound petty, my Mom loved soup. So I would call around town to see what soup was available and get her some for a day or two. She had a $200 pension check I cashed each month. I used it for her needs and that soup. I never charged her room and board. Or made her share in the utilities. Her living with us did not impact us financially. Actually, her SS check was paying to keep her house going until it sold. So, all she had was that $200. There were times, I paid out of pocket. Once a month I would write a check to myself putting the receipts in an envelope with the check#, amt and date on the outside. I reimbursed myself until Mom went into care on Medicaid. My thoughts, if they have it use it. When they no longer do, then I pay. All my Moms money went towards her needs.
Your PS gives me the impression that Mom has no money for an Assisted Living or Memory care. She may not be ready for LTC but that would be an option for you with Medicaid paying. Selling of her house may give you the option in placing her in an AL. I had my Mom living with me for 20 months before I could place her in an AL and eventually LTC when her money ran out. Do not keep Mom with you so there is an inheritance. When she gets too much for you, place her. You have DPOA, use it for whatever care Mom needs. Brother has no say. He is not the one caring for Mom. A Will is for "just in case". If the persons house has to be sold and savings used for their care, then thats how it needs to be.
*Moms house did not sell while she was alive. Upon her death, SS and her pension stopped and she had no assets. I paid out of pocket to keep the heat and utilities going. I was able to be reimbursed for out of pocket at the time of settlement once the Medicaid and tax liens were satisfied.
Mom needs to be told you expect to be compensated for the half bath costs once the house sells. Also going forward mom needs to pay for gas and her own groceries. When she moves into your house (which I think is a mistake) mom needs to pay rent and utilities and for her food. A contract needs to be written up in rehards to this.
Seniors get very selfish as they age. Don't expect mom to offer to pay for anything. If she refuses to pay reasonable living expenses please don't move her in with you.
It's bad enough You left your own house and moved in with mom for a year and a half to slave away for free and impoverished yourself in the process, but you are setting yourself up to be her caregiving slave by moving her into your house.
Honestly I think she would be better off in AL due to her being social and likes activities- so I’m relieved to have direction thanks to the experience of you all here.
I can’t say I didn’t try. I had the best intentions but as you all say - the stress is very intense. Thank you all!!
You’re making decisions with your heart instead of your brain.
Many of us have been led by our emotions and lived to regret it.
Have you considered speaking to a therapist to help you sort out your emotions?
I went to a no nonsense, no punches pulled therapist. He was great!
Find a therapist who will challenge you to find viable solutions for your situation.
Set strong boundaries. I have been in your shoes. It’s hard. Mom lived with us for many years.
I will never expect my children to care for me should I ever need help.
I wish you well.
See All Answers