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Yes. Tell mom she will have to move to AL if she refuses to help her depression by taking medication. Her choice. When my mother pulled this stunt, I told her I'd stop helping her totally if she refused the antidepressants. She lived in Independent Senior Living with dad at the time and was making our lives miserable. She agreed and things improved quite a bit. Don't allow mom to wiggle out of this. Its YOUR home, your rules.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Time for the sitdown.

Tell Mom that you understand how hard things are, given that aging has one loss after another, and now she is living outside her own home, in your home, and must feel as though so many choices are taken from her. Tell her you understand her grief and anger. But tell her also that things are not easy for you either. That you stand witness to these losses and they make you fear how close you are yourself to the losses. That you have tried to the best of your limitations/abilities to make your home her home, but the fact is that it IS YOUR HOME. And you depend on your home as haven from a hard world. And if it is not a home that is peaceful, then you WILL MOST CERTAINLY take steps to make it so. Tell her that if she cannot come into some control of her anger and fear and upset, and cannot find some contentment in some activities of her own, that she cannot continue to stay in your home and will have to go into care, which may in fact be BETTER for her in giving her more choices in friends and activities, but whether better for her or not, YOU have a life to live. And it must be a life with some contentment and peace in your own home.
Tell your mom you will help her speak to a doctor. That perhaps a low dose antidepressant will make the world seem a bit more sunny; worth a try; can always stop it if it's no help. Ask what ideas of her own for activities that would help might be. Would she like to cook a meal with you? Take a walk. Work a puzzle. Knit, be read to. WHAT?

Short of that, she will understand and respond or not.
And then you must make the tough choices. They are yours to make. You deserve a life of peace and contentment.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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BiggieSmalls: Logically thinking, mom has 2 choices - #1 Take a medication to help herself or #2 Move to an assisted living facility.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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I am curious as to why you are allowing her to reside in your home under these conditions?

Why is she living in your house? and for how long?

Do you want her residing in your home?

Has she been diagnosed with a mental illness? or condition such as dementia?

What is blocking you from making healthy decisions that are in your best interest?

Do you have difficulty asserting yourself?

Are you afraid of her?

Something(s) is getting in your way to value yourself and allowing this behavior.

Do you feel you cannot ask her to leave?

Are you feeling guilty about something?

Do you feel you are traumatized ? how?

These are questions you need to ask yourself.

You would benefit from seeing a therapist to understand your motivations and decision making.

Gena / Touch Matters
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Reply to TouchMatters
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Give her a move out date.
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Reply to southernwave
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Please realize you cannot be your mom's caretaker. If your mom doesn't cooperate, you need to reach out to an Elder Care Attorney. Not sure if your mom has a POA or Guardian? You may have her hospitalized and get her into a personal care home. There are medications that she will be prescribed in the nursing home. Sorry for your stressful time. I know it's hard, but your mom isn't going to turn around without help.
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Reply to Onlychild2024
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I for one, know all about how it feels to have mom living in your home. I am still going through the transition of mom moving out. Her presence and personality was so stressful to everyone, because no one likes to hear nagitivity and being told how and what to do all the time. Things can get heated and overwhelming in the household. I made a mistake of not sitting down and talking with mom about all the things that was upsetting me and my family. So to say the least, it wasn't the best situation or did not fix or solve the whole problem, but it did give us all somewhat time alone to reconcile as a family. I have been through a lot of tears, stress, and anxiety but my advice would be talk to your mom about how it make you and your family feel and ask her if she could give you a break by staying with a friend for a while or maybe she needs companionship with people of her age. I have found my mom an apartment for the elderly and disabled and hoping this will give her the happiness she is looking for. I hope you best of luck in your decisions.
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Reply to Butterfly62
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Santalynn Nov 26, 2024
Maybe it was just a typo but I love your word 'nagativity' because constant negativity from someone can be come so annoying it IS like nagging! You are so right to have The Talk so mom understands her unhappiness is sadly bringing the entire household down; some people would care and correct their behavior to the best of their ability, some can't or won't. Let your mom know that other arrangements must be made for her for your family harmony to be restored, for her sake and so the family can then just return to being her loving relatives. All the best to ALL of you.
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You can't force medication on anyone. I'm a firm believer that "meds" aren't always the answer. You have choices though.

If your mother has dementia and this is the cause of her depression and anger, you should get her placed in assisted living as fast as you can because it will only get worse. If she's moved into AL now before her dementia is too advanced, she will still be able to acclimate to her new environment and even make some friends.

If your mother does not have dementia, you demand that she keep her anger in check and start being a contributing member of your household if she wants to continue being a member of your household. Do not tolerate any anger, raging, tantrums, orneriness, lashing out, or instigating. Make it clear that her misery-spreading, negativity, and 'nagativity' (I'm in love with this term in Butterfly62's comment) will not be allowed in your house. Her depression is not going to bring everyone down and ruin the lives of your family. If she refuses mental health care (which doesn't have to include meds), she has to leave your house.

Take a firm stance with her and stay true to your word. If you say it's one more chance or she goes, then it's one more chance and she's out.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Enlist the help of her doctor. Let doctor know your concerns. Ask for prescription for skilled nursing facility. Tell her that is she does not take her medication(s) or get help that you can no longer care for her.
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Reply to Taarna
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Perhaps say to M that there are 3 choices: 1) she tries the depression medication; 2) she moves out; 3) you take the medication yourself because she is making you depressed. If she chooses 3), move her out anyway, she cares nothing about you, is totally self centered, and will run you into the ground.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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