Mother-in-law won’t plan end-of-life service. Any advice?

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Mother-in-law won’t plan end-of-life service. Any advice?

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Hello,
I might suggest you speak with the funeral director that assisted with your father in laws disposition.
Hopefully you were able to develop some report with him/her while facilitating his cremation.
I am certain they will be able to assist you in “pulling things together” for your father in laws Celebration of life and burial of his cremated body.
Despite Covid-19, they should be able to orchestrate a fitting tribute that will meet the needs of your family and his friends

jim B

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Memorials and funerals are not for the dead person but for the living. Talk with your MIL about what would give her comfort and allow others to have closure. It can be whatever she decides. If you are not comfortable with keeping his ashes, then get her to come to some decision about that. If she won't participate in discussions about memorial/funeral arrangements, there is nothing keeping you from going ahead with something that helps you, other family members, and friends.

My father-in-law passed in Hawaii and we live in Florida. My brother-in-law and mother-in-law did not give notice that he was dying until after he had died. They had a quickie funeral less than a week of his passing. My husband, myself and our children were not able to attend. Because my husband's family had lived a long time in Chicago area, we contacted friends and family there. We had a celebration of life ceremony in Chicago with pictures of FIL at different ages of his life and gave people the chance to share memories while we shared a meal. Of course, we invited BIL and MIL who declined to attend.

I share this to let you know it is OK to go ahead with whatever you need to for your needs.

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My suggestion is to remember to first, care for the living. If your MIL is spent and not able to dutifully carry out these final wishes then give her her time. Hopefully FIL has found some sort of peace. Give mom time to find hers as well. Nothing will have changed if you wait a month.

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I know people have end of life wishes, but in reality what is done is for the people who are still here. I think if a party is wanted it might be a good idea to hold it on a one year anniversary , hopefully things will be easier to navigate then and the grief will have had a chance to turn to being able to remember happy times

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Why not just bury his ashes in Unitarian’s church memorial garden with immediate family, privately and plan a celebration party after pandemic? Would that not comply with his wishes?

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If your FIL wanted a party to celebrate his life, it's going to have to wait anyway until a reasonable number of people can attend. When did he die? Is there really any hurry when it comes to his memorial service?

I know a good many other Christian denominations consider Unitarians shaky on the Trinity, but I don't think they can be fairly described as atheist; and your FIL evidently valued belonging to his church. I only mention this because it might be better not to cite atheism as his reason for declining a religious funeral service.

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I don't know if this is any help, but some years ago a coworker was describing the Unitarian/Universalist church to which she belonged. (The "Universalist" part may make it substantially different from the one Marilyn24's FIL was involved with. However, this coworker said there are many kinds of people there--there are pagans and atheists, etc. My major professor in grad school, who was either an atheist or agnostic (I can't recall this conversation from over 40 years ago very well), but he belonged to a Unitarian church (I can't recall if it was also Universalist) because "he liked to sing" but sometimes felt the sermons sounded too much like university lectures. Another professor, who was essentially a non-practicing Jew, also belonged.

In any case, having heard these comments over the years makes me not at all surprised that an atheist might want to have ashes buried in a Unitarian memorial garden.

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Why is your husband in over his head if his father made his final wishes known so explicitly? And I wonder why he wants to be placed in a memorial garden of a church he was a member of since he was an atheist? I guess his wife wasn't, but still.........an odd request in any event. Why not call the church and simply ask if/when his ashes can be buried in their memorial garden? Your MIL doesn't have to arrange anything or consent to anything, either, since the idea is to follow the decedent's wishes, right? Once the ashes are buried, you can have a small celebration in his honor.

Not everybody wants to plan funerals or memorials or services; some people can't handle the topic of death at all. I imagine your MIL is still grieving the sudden loss of her husband and doesn't really want to face the whole finality of the burial. Can't say I blame her. Which is why you and your DH can just move ahead with your FILs wishes, thereby letting MIL off the hook. When my father died, my mother was such a zombie there was NO WAY she could even answer a question never mind plan anything, nor did I expect her to. I did everything, and just picked her up for the service at the cemetery.

My condolences for your loss; best of luck moving forward with FILs wishes

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Many UUs are atheist, actually. It's not unusual. An old UU saying is "deeds not creeds".

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We had something similar in my in-laws family. Dad had been a WWII Japanese POW in Burma, seen far too many bodies and funerals. He didn’t want one, just a party. We had the party for the rellies at the NH they both lived in, and DH as eldest son gave a short up-beat speech about what a good father he was. DH kept his ashes in his shed for several years until MIL died. Dad was a great shed man, keeping him there felt very comfortable for DH, and I’ve never gone for the urn on the mantelpiece.

When MIL died, the 3 sons mingled the ashes and sprinkled them together in the sea from the end of the jetty close to where they lived most of their lives. Something similar might even tick all the boxes for your parents, too.

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It can take people a long time to process death. I personally know quite a few atheists and they seem to either be lost in the process or handle it fine. And everything in between. I doubt her being atheist is making any difference in her thinking, she'd probably grieving in her own way.

I personally think the Cemetery business is going to change forever with COVID. People realize how much 'cleaner' cremation is and how it can be so peaceful to not have a huge viewing, long funeral and exhausting 'wake'.

There's no time limit on having a small service. Maybe MIL would want to wait until she also has passed and have a dual interment. I've heard of those.

When my brother died, with no instructions and no money, his poor kids were distraught at trying to do something to 'honor' him and yet be financially prudent as they had very little money. He was cremated and his remains divided up amongst the kids and mother.

Flash forward a year (or more) and my niece is driving around in her truck and at every bump in the road, there is this thumping sound in the back. My daughter finally said 'what is that noise? Aren't you kind of worried". "Nope" replies niece. "It's just dad. I just don't know what to do with his cremains."

I have no idea what mother did with her 1/5th of his ashes. Last time I saw them they were in a cigar box on her dresser.

Don't push. There's no hurry at all. Everyone processes death differently.

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Thank you, yes we picked up his ashes and have held on to them as requested till she would feel able to contend with the ashes per her request. We absolutely honor her wishes and his wishes but broaching the practicalities of honoring his wishes are difficult for her to discuss such plot and stone. At the time she did not know if there was a plot and any details. After posing this question to this forum. My husband and I talked and he is going to gently bring up the subject with her again. She went through so much when he died in hone hospice. I am concerned that she is traumatized and that maybe why she is avoiding this and I don’t want to traumatize her further.

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Is the mother in law also an atheist? Because I am as well. My brother and I discussed that we did not want any services. When my brother passed that was the way it was. No services. If your MIL doesn't wish to have services that is fine. We each mourn in our own way. I do not speak a lot about my brother to others. I do a little notebook/diary type thing in which I put pictures of him, write him the letters I no longer can, and kind of "pretend" he can get them. It is of course clear to me that he can't and doesn't, and certainly won't be answering. But it is a comfort for me. Let your MIL do it her own way. If you have the ashes that must be because you asked to have them? Then do take them to the Church where he wished them to be. Ask your mother-in-law if she wishes to be involved; if she says no she does not, then believe her and do it yourself.

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Thank you, yes we picked up his ashes and have held on to them as requested till she would feel able to contend with the ashes per her request. We absolutely honor her wishes and his wishes but broaching the practicalities of honoring his wishes are difficult for her to discuss such plot and stone. At the time she did not know if there was a plot and any details. After posing this question to this forum. My husband and I talked and he is going to gently bring up the subject with her again. She went through so much when he died in hone hospice. I am concerned that she is traumatized and that maybe why she is avoiding this and I don’t want to traumatize her further.

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Mother-in-law won’t plan end-of-life service. Any advice?

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