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We used Legal Zoom to update my Mom's will, named me as executor and POA, then filed those papers at the county clerk's office. You will need a VA attorney for Mom's benefits. They will help you with that. Legal Zoom was very helpful for us. As for telling your brothers, leave that part up to your mother to decide. They'll take it or leave it.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Thanks, mmcmahon

I appreciate your answer very much. Very helpful.
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Needhelpwithmom,

You actually have the upperhand here. If you've been caring for your mom for 14 years, you should be in control of her assets and medical. As suggested, take mom to the bank and have her open a new account and transfer funds from old account (leave 100 bucks in old acct.). Get a financial Durable POA, referably through an attorney. You're also entitled to Caregiver fees. If younger brother objects, tell him to take over as caregiver because you are worn out. You know he won't do it, but it might give him pause enough to go along with her wishes.

When my 97 year old mother also realized her two sons were no-shows, and that I was doing everything for her, on three separate occasions she told me she wanted me to have the bulk of her assets when she passed. She made me JTWROS of all her finances and I have DPOA. I will decline b/c she is no longer mentally competent. I don't want any court battles in the future.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
sudalu,

You have no idea how much your answer touched my heart, not to mention how practical your advice is. Thanks so very much 💗.

Answers from you will always carry more weight because you have walked in my shoes.
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I haven't read all the comments, so I might be repeating. Have her funeral/burial arrangement be prepaid from the saving account. When Dad passed, he had already done this. Made that part so much easier.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Mumshelper,

I tried to do this. The cemetery told me they don’t allow prepay to open the grave for family plot. Can you prepay for cremation? She has decided to be cremated. Was a shock at first because she had always said she didn’t want to be cremated. I don’t think it matters all that much to her now. She says she doesn’t want an expensive casket and funeral like my dad had and previous family members and considers it a waste of money.
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Looks like most answers on this forum are good sources for the many facets of information you need.
My two cents...This is strictly my opinion based on personal experience and acquired knowledge while having to care for my mother who has dementia alzeimers. My wife and I experienced a lot of legal challenges and collateral situation of my brother and his wife.
It boils down to this....tell mother, "ok mother let's get everything done with your will, setup of you finances, etc., everything you have wanted done...let's do it. "
Obtain a good reputible elder attorney with whom you and mother will walk through all the things she wants done. She seems very specific in what she wants. You can at this time inform your attorney of the many years of your mother's care and welfare. That sibling never have cared.
If she's mentally capable, then enquire about a POA to cover the areas of care and management needed. This will protect you and mother when you proceede to the next levels of her care. It will be a sound platform if for any time or reason you may need to combat siblings to possible petition for guardianship.
If mother has a significant nest egg of finances, your attorney can inform you of ways to protect this (trust funds) while positioning her to qualify for state funding for assisted living, etc.
There will be flak from family siblings, but the POA will reinforce your your stand and actions legally.
Speak with your attorney regarding all these things.
Also, listen carefully of what path he or she may suggest you take. Elder attorneys are very much aware and have experienced a lot regarding what elders specificly go through or what's done to them and what can been done to protect them and their caregivers.
Get moving right away!!!
Hope this helps.
Blessings
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
I appreciate your input and sharing your experiences. It helps.
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You mentioned you have medical poa, but do you also have financial poa? Maybe a visit to Elder Law Atty is necessary. If your mother is mobile, can she accompany you? Maybe the Attorney can come to your home? You need the important documents updated. Since mother has her name on Savings account, she can use it for what is necessary for her care. Medicaid shouldn’t be too difficult to get on if she doesn’t have too much $$$. You can’t control what the useless brother does or doesn’t do. Good luck & hugs 🤗
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Mom uses a walker. Do not have anything other than medical POA. I should ask her to consider POA for me. Wish I didn’t have to deal with this crap. Stressful but necessary.
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Looks like with 36 answers it has been a slow day LOL. Telling the brothers is a personal decision and regardless of a war breaking out, imo, you mother is alert and capable. Therefore you as quickly as possible spend some time asking for referrals to a CERTIFIED elder law attorney and you both go in and get everything updated. If you share the plan not only will there be anger, they may attempt to say your mother doesn't know what she's doing and/or they will promise to do better/be different in the future. Your mother has a right to change things as she wishes. Try to find an attorney that will have a flat fee for a consult so you can ask all your questions, and then a flat fee for each item that must be updated/redone. Do not even think of doing this without a legal pro...it may be expensive but it will be more so down the line if not done taking all details into consideration. They will be able to advise you on future considerations and finances as well...
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Thanks. Appreciate your input.
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You mentioned in your reply that your mom lost everything when hurricane Katrina hit, I live in Texas and I know how devastating it was. If your mom does not have any military records, the first thing you will need to get your hand on is the DD-214, without this document no one in the military will even talk to you, so call the JAG office and see if they can direct you as to how you can get your hands on this document. Hopefully your mom an give you some vital information as to where and when the person entered the service and when they retired or date of discharge, once you have the DD-214 in hand, then the VA will talk to you, because without it, no one will start any processes.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Thanks, someone else said this too. Very helpful. Appreciate it.
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I think you need to have an attorney to protect you and your mother. And the attorney could prepare a Codicil taking your brother out of the situation. I would not mess with this - you need to look out for yourself and your brother. As to telling him, I am not sure but I think he would be happy to get out of being an executor. You could be named as such since you are doing it all anyway. Let time and circumstances dictate if you should or should not tell him. If you tell him, DO IT AFTER EVERYTHING IS COMPLETED AND YOU ARE IN CHARGE. Do not tell him anything before.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Thanks, Riley

I agree with you. Appreciate your input.
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Please stop worrying about your brothers. You cannot control your brothers. You cannot control how they react to anything regarding their mother with whom they have chosen to have whatever relationship they have with her.

What you do have control over is what you do to help your mother. It is not your place to inform your brothers about your mother's personal business. Period.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
You’re right. Just get sick of the conflict. It bothers me to think that my mother has this image of us being close after her death. We were never super close. What she fails to realize is that she had a brother who respected her, so it was easy for her to remain in contact with her brother.
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You can look at www.va.gov and search for obtaining military records, or,
Call MyVA311: 844-698-2311
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
Thanks so much!
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