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So, honestly, as someone who's been providing care for my mother for just over 2 years, and as someone who just started staying with her in June....I think I can see this a bit from your boyfriend's perspective.

The first thing that comes into my head is that I had no idea how much physical, mental, and emotional energy staying with her would suck out of me. It's wayyyy different being with her in the same home than it was before I started staying here. I am often very overwhelmed, frustrated, ill-tempered, and resentful. I have barely enough energy left to socialize with friends a couple of times a week; I force myself to do it because I'd lose my mind without my supportive family of friends. I definitely do NOT have the energy for a relationship.

Which kind of makes the second thing pop into my head: it's possible that your BF has called off moving in together as a kindness to you. Might even be subconscious, but I bet he's thought about it. Caregiving an elder parent is a huge job, and it would be a huge burden to bring someone else into. If she's only in her 60s, he may be looking at 20+ years of providing care, especially if he can't afford a care facility. Personally, I have lost all interest in dating and relationships since I started caregiving, since there is no way I would put a partner in this position alongside me. Especially if that partner had already expressed doubts about how I've chosen to provide care.

I think suicide attempts are often a cry for help, not just attention-seeking. Depression is insidious, especially when coupled with physical pain.  And whatever else is going on, Mom has cried out, and Son has answered the call. If you are in any way ambivalent about joining him in facing this task, in being a true partner in this new turn his journey has taken, then I just don't think it's the right relationship for you or him.

I'm not saying you're wrong or bad if you don't want to do it! It's perfectly reasonable to want your relationship to be the priority in both of your lives. If you truly think he's the one, then go to him and tell him you will do this with him, that you will be his partner in this and work through it together.  That's what real commitment means to me, that's what "for better or worse" means to me.  I mean, I'd probably cry with joy and relief if somebody I wanted to be with came to me and said that.  But if you can't say it, then it's probably time to think about letting go. 
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He has a teenager. Does he spend time with the kid? If not, that is a red flag about his long-term commitments. If so, you have to assume this will always be a high priority in his life. Would having a teenager in your life be a bonus or a burden?

His mother, who genuinely needs help but perhaps not to the degree she is insisting on, is in her mid 60s. Are you prepared to be second in importance to her for the next 20 to 30 years?

Good idea to research what might be available in NYC to help his mother. But if he does not make genuine progress in getting extricated from her control now, I think you ought to look elsewhere for the kind of relationship you want at this point in your life.

This experience hasn't been a waste of time. You had some good times, a nice European vacation. You've learned a lot more about what is important to you. Chalk it up to a nice friends-with-benefits situation, and move on.
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Thanks for the responses.

My boyfriend lived with a girlfriend (before that, he was married. I've lived alone many times, but he never has). When he and his girlfriend broke up, he moved in to his parents' house "temporarily", but a few months after, his father had a stroke and passed away. His mother is very manipulative, and afraid to be alone. He is often highly frustrated, which I think just means less patience for our relationship. I'm getting tired of being #2 all the time.

I will consider looking into what resources there may be in NYC. Thank you.
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Wow, I'm not sure this will be much help, but here are some random thoughts. As someone with caregiving experience, I will admit that the needs of the elderly and infirm will always appear to be the biggest priority. Did he always live with his mom or just after his Dad passed away. I ask, because if he never moved out and spent time on his own, there is little chance he will do so now. She may be manipulative - hence the attempt at suicide (great attention getter).
The one piece of (perhaps) useful info I may offer is that NYC has a strong network of help available. Check in with the city department of aging and research what help his Mom may be eligible for. He is probably so frazzled he can't even think straight. So this is a useful contribution you can offer. Perhaps that will free up some time for you to be together.
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Leave Mommy's boy with Mommy she is never going to undo the apron strings. Of course he won't want to see you go but he has to learn he can't have his cake and eat it too. Just my warped vision of your situation.
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In search bar above, enter "Boyfriend a Caregiver".
The search bar is found by clicking on the three short verticle lines next to AgingCare.com blue header.
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