My dad is 65 and independent, though increasingly unhappy in his third marriage. I love my father and we tend to get along, though we've not shared living space for almost 20 years. We're both low energy introverts so I'm not really worried about us getting in each other's way if he does move in.
I did just buy my first house in the spring of this year and honestly, I've really been enjoying quietly living by myself (and my cats).
If I owned a duplex there wouldn't be a question I'd just move him in, but it's a single family home and we'd have to share a bathroom and kitchen. He's got a small dog that I don't really mind and I trust will leave the cats alone so that's a non issue.
My biggest concerns are for my relationship with my father, and our individual mental health. I really enjoy having my privacy right now. He also struggles with depression, and occasionally drinks alcohol which I can't have in my house.
My questions are, how do I show up for my dad safely and healthfully without alienating him or losing my autonomy? I would like to offer him housing temporarily while he gets on his feet, but I want to make sure we have good boundaries and that there's a plan in place for him finding his own housing within a reasonable amount of time. Thoughts?
Problem #2: You say you 'can't have alcohol in your house' but dad occasionally drinks alcohol. I take it dad KNOWS you can't have alcohol in your house and is STILL asking to 'rent a room' in your house, thereby choosing to ignore the fact that you cannot have alcohol in your home. Unless, of course, when he asked to rent a room in your home he told you up front he would NOT be drinking booze or bringing it into your home, ever, under any circumstances. If not, he's overstepped his boundaries BEFORE he even moved in.
My thoughts are as I outlined: tell him NO WAY, sorry dad, I'm sober now and can't risk it for anyone or anything on earth. I'll be happy to help you find a room to rent elsewhere so the both of us can lead our own lives and be happy, while maintaining our relationship at the same time. I would not want ANYTHING to come in between us.
In other words "Get your 💩 together Dad!"
I wasn't keen on it, lots of history but, how can you not help, right?
Well, he made it perfectly clear from day one that he believed my husband and I owed him. He was going to be the man of the house, not, I was going to wait on him hand and foot, take care of his little dog and jump when he said. What the? Not even remotely the asking or agreement.
I was fortunate that he ended up hospitalized within the 1st week, needed 60 days of rehab after 9 days in hospital. It gave me enough time to find a place that he could have his needs met. Because I couldn't do it.
He told me he was building a barn, untrue, he said he was perfectly healthy, untrue. What he didn't tell me was that he fully intended to keep paying the bills for his ex-wife and that some items had been sold and she took the money and he still had payments to make so he could get the titles for the new owners. Meaning, he intended to live off us and do whatever he wanted with his money, mainly supporting his thang. Oh was she surprised when I changed his number and stopped all auto payments from his account. I saw the divorce decree, he wasn't obligated to pay one thing and her days of sucking him dry were over.
Honestly, I would have never thought to ask about any of this had he not been hospitalized. I would have thought he was saving up for deposits and new furniture so he could move into his new place. Instead he was spending 90% of his monthly income for his thang and the stolen money.
I am telling you this because I think parents can decide that it is okay to use their offspring so they don't have to step into the unknown and take responsibility for themselves. Your dad is young enough to get his own home. Encourage him to find a studio apartment that is easily furnished and cared for, heck, help him find it and get it set up. Then he can live his life and you can live yours.
Everything about your question sends my red flags flying. Especially your hesitation, this is our bodies way of warning us there is danger ahead, please do not ignore this.
If your dad blows you off and doesn't want a relationship because you aren't willing to give up your private space, it is a good indication that he doesn't have any respect for you and reaffirms that you made the right choice by saying no.
You are not the solution to his poor choices. No, it is a complete sentence.
The alcohol thing is a hard no. Depression + alcohol? Nope.
You are not responsible for your father's happiness. You can't live his best life for him. You can still love him and have a healthy relationship with him while you're each in your own spaces, with no stress -- or regrets.
For you, don't even let him crash at your place.
Talk to his wife, maybe get him a room in a recovery house if this is what he needs.
Your rules won't mean diddly if he moves in and drinks. You don't need to suffer, so please don't. imo.
Well here we are 15 years later. Dad passed in 2019 and I finally pried mom out of that house in 2020 and she is now in an ALF (turning 80 next month).
After we sold mom's house that was 3 doors away from me, I finally, finally began to think of my house as "home" again. Wow. I didn't realize during those years my parents had "invaded" my little neighborhood, that my house had become a place I wanted to escape from whenever there was a chance, and that it was no longer my "Zen" place of peace and happiness. Well, in 2021 my business rocked and I was able to invest about $12,000 in home improvements that had been postponed, and this place finally feels like "home" again.
I never saw the freight train heading my way until I was tied to the tracks and it was too late. I am still "stuck" caring for my mom from a distance, probably for many years into the future, but at least my house is my "home" again.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/grandma-wants-to-move-in-anyone-have-any-advice-how-to-handle-this-situation-471993.htm
"My questions are, how do I show up for my dad safely and healthfully without alienating him or losing my autonomy?"
Step well out of any FIXER role he tries to assign you.
Instead, cheer him on as he takes steps to find his own solutions for HIS own life.
When my father was selling his house and looking for an apartment he made the same comment to me about staying with us until he found a place. There is no way I could live with him. I'd tolerate it for 2 weeks if he was really in between places but we all know that once he moved is without an exit plan....there would be no exit plan.
Tell him you will help to find him a place. If he readily agrees you will truly know he just wanted a place...but if he balks you know he was looking for a new person to 'take care of him".
It sounds like you are enjoying living by yourself, and adding your dad to the mix especially with his depression and alcohol usage might just drag you down a hole you'd rather not go down, or that is healthy for you.
Perhaps it's best to just help him find a place to rent on his own away from you. And if money is an issue there are senior apartments available that are based on his income, so you may want to look into that.
You have to do what's best for you and your mental health.
For me, the alcohol issue would evoke a quick “No”.
You “show up safely and healthfully” by helping him find a place nearby quickly.
The room he wants to rent? You need it for work, a hobby, storage, whatever is plausible and honest without being a give away or loss for you.
Could you ask the realtor who helped you find your home to help HIM find a home too?
You enjoy your privacy. You are now a grownup. You have a RIGHT to your own privacy.
If your father needs help in future, hopefully he is saving hard now to have some extra money to hire on some help in future when it is needed. He has easily another decade to work hard toward that goal. It would be bad (indeed cruel) to enable your father in dependency since dependency (with alcohol) is already a problem he has.
Once your father moved in with you, how easily and happily and willingly would he move out? I truly believe that deep within yourself you already know the answer to this.
You have no obligation for care for your father. It is the obligation of the PARENT to care for the child. And for the child to pay that care forward in his or her own nuclear family if he chooses to have children. It is your father's obligation now to care for himself in a way so as not to become a burden to his children. Many elders don't even HAVE children to enjoy, to lean on emotionally or otherwise.
Please protect yourself. You wrote us knowing already that this isn't something you wish to do. Please stand firm for yourself; no one else will.
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