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I want to help but it is tough on our friendship. I never get a chance to spend any quality time with my friend and I took care of my own elderly mom who was in a wheel chair and also my very sick older brother for 10 years. I love my friend and her mom but don’t feel it’s a deal breaker if I don’t want to be obligated to watch over my friend’s ailing mom. She won’t hire anyone to help and brings her mom everywhere. My friend is a wonderful person but I don’t think she realizes how this impedes on our friendship. Not sure what to do. Want to be a supportive friend but don’t want to be taken for granted. It’s a difficult situation.

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Just say " No My caretaking Days are Over . "
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Reply to KNance72
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Why would she realize how this impedes on your friendship when you haven't told her so.
I don't think you want to do this care. Say so.
And quite honestly, if this isn't a deal breaker, what is.
I say this assuming that you and your friend live together. Because if not this is really an easy one. Just don't show up so often. Any excuse will do. And when you are called on it just admit that really you do not wish to continue caretaking for family--not for your own and not for hers.

If this is a deal breaker for a "friendship" then this was never a friend.
If we are talking you are more than friends, rather are partners, then you have an issue which requires counseling and honesty now.

Good luck.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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No is a complete sentence.

“No.”

or if you have to add a few words “no, I can’t possibly do that.”

you are not her plan A B or C.

This isn’t a difficult situation at all. The answer is no, hell no, absolutely not, you will not burden me with this, I’m old too, 100% no, are you crazy, what makes you think you can rope me into solving your problem etc.
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Reply to anonymous144448
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Find ways to be a friend that you are comfortable with. I’m sure you realize the hard time your friend is experiencing and can think of ways to help that don’t involve direct caregiving. Maybe take a meal or offer to pick up meds or groceries. Take a magazine your friend enjoys, listen to her when she needs to vent, whatever will be a distraction or help. It’s okay not to feel comfortable as a caregiver, just don’t desert a friend in such a rough time
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Oh and for stage 6 dementia, the lady needs to be in hospice.
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Reply to anonymous144448
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b8ted2sink Nov 16, 2024
You're right. Who are we kidding believing otherwise? I was about to suggest a Senior Day Care facility closest to their home , but I doubt that would work well for the Mom or the staff when Mom is so far gone.
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Do you live together? If so, that makes it harder to say no. If you haven't already, you need to explain that you have done your share of caregiving. Maybe set boundaries on what you are willing to do to help. My boundary would be no toileting, bathing or transferring. By the time my Mom hit the 6th stage, I placed her. If the mother is violent, there are meds for that.
Caregiving is isolating, you only have time for the person you are caring for. Maybe you can help in other ways. Cleaning, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping. Give friend a break.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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"I took care of my own elderly mom who was in a wheel chair and also my very sick older brother for 10 years"

And there you have it, your friend looks at you and sees a built in caregiver - they have no clue just how incredibly difficult and draining that experience was. I had a friend like this too, fortunately one of my other friends discouraged her from approaching me because I might have said something... not nice. Remember no is a complete sentence, you don't have to offer any explanation. Practice this - No, that doesn't work for me. Repeat repeat repeat.
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Reply to cwillie
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Answer is no. Don't do it. You can support your friend to look into a hospice setting or home care for her mom. However, do not commit yourself to anymore caretaking situations.
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Reply to Scampie1
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As a previous caregiver yourself I bet you remember how isolating and hard caregiving can be. I don't think you should watch her mother for her, but maybe you could be a support just by spending time together with her mom there too. Let her have some conversation and time with a friend.
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Reply to SteadyD
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This brings back a post from when I first started on AC. The OP was in her 50s or 60s. She had taken care of a parent and someone else for a number of years. She was ready to get her life back. A relative said to her since she was no longer caring for Mom, she could care for her Aunt. Yes, she told the person she did not think so. You don't know how hard that job is until you have done it.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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