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My MIL has been living with us since 2020. It has caused financial, relationship, and family issues. I admit I have brought up my unhappiness with this situation so much because he is clearly being taken advantage of by his able bodied healthy 65 year old mom who has plenty more money than we have . He is mean and nasty to me but no one can blame his mom for anything. He is suffering and not going to work making impulsive purchases and not thinking clearly. His mom has taken over his mind it seems and he is basing all his decisions around her in some kind of subconscious way and he doesn’t know who he is anymore or what he is doing. He blames me and just is generally all over the place and has contempt for me or anything I do and when I bring up his mom he is so upset and will not attribute any of his problems that have gotten worse since his mom moved in with us, to his mother it’s my fault even when it doesn’t make sense. I don’t even know how to fix this. He walks around like I am the one who created this mess and I just am so confused

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Did you marry this man since your last post in Jan 23????? If so, why???

Did you read the many responses or take any of the advice given to you in your Jan 23 post??

"Couples therapy" is a useless suggestion.....your partner is not part of a couple and has no interest in fixing this. Or working. How on earth are the bills getting paid???

You cannot fix something your husband and his mother do not WANT fixed. That you are still in this situation after 4 years, and possibly married now, speaks volumes about what you're willing to tolerate from this man and his mother! That your feelings are 100% disrespected is okay with you? That makes no sense to me. Because you are financially reliant on this man who'd pay you child support if you were to split is no reason to stay.

Get a job and become financially reliant on YOURSELF together with the child support your man is obliged to pay. Be strong enough to stand up for YOURSELF when nobody else will. You have no voice in your own home. How is that a healthy environment for children to witness?

See a lawyer yesterday. Find out what YOUR legal rights are and go from there. Because you have NO RIGHTS in your own home, they've been given over to a very weak man and his overbearing mother!
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Astridmm22 Jun 12, 2024
You’re right. Thank you for your response. I suppose I have held everything together for too long and maybe thought I was the one who should not have a problem with these issues and I had a feeling that other people would see the situation as I was seeing it as well so I wanted to get others perspective. I appreciate your thoughtful responses
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Please stop expecting change from a man and his mother who’ve so clearly let you know they aren’t interested in changing. You’re the outsider here, and while that’s wrong and sad, it’s still true. Get out of the whole relationship and situation. Stop being a doormat for them to walk over, think of what it’s showing your children. Time for a lawyer and sound advice. I wish you the courage and will to change your life
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Astridmm22 Jun 17, 2024
I am the oldest of 4 and I WILL NOT use parentification of my kids and my oldest daughter to watch my two boys and be responsible fot them just because she is in high school. My MIL will not watch or pick up my kids either so I can work. I stopped working because my partner could not seem to handle the responsibilities of children when they were younger and my kids were suffering. I asked him and we could make it work on just his salary but we cannot make it with his mother living with us paying no rent for two years and even with her paying rent which includes everything and my cleaning services to we still pay more than 1/3 of everything and we have taken on more debt my husband works but he is letting his mother affect him and he has taken off a few days and made purchases with his savings that were not very smart as a way to cope my MIL is very ungrateful she never offers any support to any of us and is getting later and later paying that 1000
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Please consider couples therapy. He needs to get an objective perspective on what's going on in his life, his house, his marriage. You are his priority, not his Mom. But he has to come to this conclusion himself and a good therapist will help him see this, if he's willing.
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Anxietynacy Jun 9, 2024
Both have to want couples therapy for it to help. If he won't get therapy, op should definitely go by herself
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How very heartbreaking that your husband has chosen to put his mother before you, his wife. There is something so very wrong with that picture.
Why did his mother move in with you guys to begin with if she is so "able bodied"?
Sounds like perhaps your husband is a mamas boy and I can only imagine that you knew that well before you agreed to marry him, right?
It's now time to give hubby an ultimatum....either you or his mother. And if he picks you then his mother HAS to go. Period. End of sentence.
BUT....don't be too shocked if he instead chooses his mother, and at which point you then say adios, and go file for divorce.
And tell hubby and his mother that you hope that they live happily ever after!
You deserve so much better in your marriage and I'm sorry that your husband isn't man enough to give you what you need.
Please don't continue to settle for less than.
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Before you do anything, make an appointment with a divorce lawyer for a consultation and find out what your rights are. You will have to have a plan of action in place for you and the kids just in case your husband chooses "mommy" over his wife and kids. Your best interests and the best interests of your kids must be protected.

After this is done and arrangements have been made, you throw down the gauntlet with your able-bodied, able-minded, senior brat MIL first by telling her to move the hell out of YOUR (and it is your house. Even if it's only in your husband's name, you have three minor children any divorce lawyer worth his salt will make sure it's YOUR house in the divorce settlement), but let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

After you'vr spoken to your MIL, you speak to your husband. You make it very plain to him that either his mother goes or his wife and kids do. This is non-negotiable and no compromise. She goes or you and the kids do.

If he chooses "mommy" over his wife and family, then do the plans you have arranged and go yourself and proceed.

You and your kids deserve better than to live in such a situation. Their father does not set a good example for them if he's disrepectful to their mother and allows grandma to also be.
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You got plenty of advice to choose from. Either make a plan or choose to mess up your life.
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BurntCaregiver Jun 9, 2024
Amen to that, MAC.
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I reread your post from May 8 when you called yourself Louisiana and said your kids were just starting high school and middle school.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-feel-very-taken-advantage-of-what-is-fair-487172.htm

In this post you say your kids are "all very young" and you're kinda stuck. Being in high school and middle school means they're gone most of the day so......

Then you say "I am not on the deed to the home. I am given a set amount of money each week for all needs for my kids and all groceries and gas and all household expenses this is not much but I still am told that the reason we struggle is because I spend too much which is ridiculous and insulting considering I scrimp and save and have had to put back items at the dollar store to remain in budget while his mom goes and eats at restaurants all the time and brings home lobster and filet minions to cook for only herself."

This story you tell is getting harder and harder to comprehend, tbh. Is your husband/partner some sort of svengali or misogynist who won't put the "little woman" on the house deed, doles out a small allowance which forces you to put back items in the Dollar Store it's so small???? And who's ok with his mother bringing home a feast for herself while you all eat crumbs? 🙄

This is too unrealistic for me to absorb, OP, that you're taking this nonsense from a man and his mother, sorry. How do you "love" someone who treats you like garbage? Have enough self respect to say NO, I will not tolerate this disrespect from the man-child who is supposed to love and stand UP for me and our children.....not for one more minute. This is a prime example of when love is not enough.

If this man loves you, it's time to show it by kicking mommy out, going to his job every day, putting you on the deed, marrying you, and having a JOINT ACCOUNT where you get to spend what's REQUIRED to run the house for the family.

Personally, I'd leave, but I'd never have stood for any of this disrespect to begin with.

Good luck.
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Astridmm22 Jun 12, 2024
i have one daughter who will be in sophomore year of high school and my two boys are in elementary school still one is approaching middle school but it’s still a year behind. This is me being honest with you even if it may not be believable but all I have said is accurate. I get told everyday that this is my house my money and just leave if you don’t like it or if I complain I know I need to leave but I don’t have resources or family and until I get my degree I can only obtain employment that is not enough to support me or my children with rent and stuff even if I got child support. It would be a lot for me to handle I also have autoimmune condition that my mom and grandma have had and passed away from due to heart complications in their 40s my mom was 46 and my grandma was 48 when they passed. I know this stress is bad for my health. I have tried to do counseling and I wonder sometimes if I am the one who should just be grateful I have a place to stay even though I have put up with a lot and continue to do so. I am trying to better my circumstances by doing school but my parents were teenagers when they had me and were not a very good role model for me and I had a very dysfunctional childhood I have gone to therapy and realized that none of what I have been through is normal and is abusive. I am just trying my best to understand and perhaps validate my own understanding and experience thank you for your response.
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Your husband’s priority is supposed to be you, not his mother. Either your MIL leaves or you do. I think it comes down to this.

You are young, move on if you must. This sounds like a miserable existence.

Good luck!
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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In my generation, and I'm just a few years younger than your MIL, we have a saying that goes "Two's company, three's a crowd", and it means the third person is not welcome.

Personally, this would be a line in the sand for me. You need to decide if you're willing to go on being the third person in this relationship, because that's what it looks like from the outside looking in.

I echo the advice for couples therapy.

There is a big difference between a grown man who is kind to his mother, yet puts his wife first, and a mama's boy who won't cut the apron strings and lets his mother run his life. I would rather be single/divorced than married to a mama's boy.
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I just wanted to give you all an update. So things really hit the fan and I am trying to pick up the pieces. The stress became too much and my partner ended up cheating on me once and telling me he leaving to just come home and then do it again! The real kicker is he left his mom here with me and the kids and she is the worst as ever. She won’t even let me get my own mail now since he has gone and she holds all of his mail in the room like I am going to steal it and she hasn’t said two words to me and he barely even can face me or talk to me. This is a horrible situation. Luckily I am personally going to be receiving a small amount of money soon enough to get established with the kids and I have been currently still working on school but trying to find employment. Thank you all for your answers i appreciate you all very much
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waytomisery Sep 3, 2024
I’m so sorry . I hope you have a divorce attorney to help protect yourself and get what is due you and child support .
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