My Mom is mentally ill 3.0: NPD-Borderline (continuous angry hateful outbursts)-mid level Dementia. I am the only one who sees her. Twice a month. It is 6 hrs of sheer HELL spending even that much time w/her. I call her every day. I hate the convos. My Dad passed in Jan. She has no one. She has created this. She was horrible to him (retired Doctor/Air Force Captain)
I have 2 Stepbros and 1 Stepsis. 1 has POA, which is great. They are great people who want nothing to do with her. Understandably. Sis in AZ, comes out once or twice a yr. Only calls my Mom once every few mos. Understandably. My MOM can live independently but beotches about it.. She can feed herself (doesn't really cook)..can make her bed & get dressed. She is very lonely, but snaps "I don't need people or friends." She yells at Solicitors who phone. Talks rudely about neighbors on her front patio. Pretty much a full fledged Hoarder (not as bad as the TLC show, but close)... My Dad had a running group that turned into a walking group every day for yrs. They would meet over coffee afterwards & solve the world's problems. He was AMAZING!
I visit twice a month & am met with her yelling & cussing.. criticism...the entire time. I do the trash (which requires me hauling it away in Contractor trash bags to a dumpster behind a Bakery down the street), do dishes-she does some but lvs a lot countertop)..toss spoiled food, take her grocery shopping, amidst the yelling & cussing.. an occasional scrub of a toilet or quick 2 min cleaning of a bathroom floor..water plants (she always tells me she hates plants).. I tell her she doesn't need rodents.. I am only doing the basics.... I can never rid of the ft high piles on the kitchen or dining room tables or stacks of L.A. Times... I say it would be fun to purge her closet, not his.. Screams & cusses re: that idea...
She tries to insert how she is appreciative of me...and is so lonely when I lv to drive the 2 hrs home, etc.. utters the "I love you" Makes my skin crawl... Wild to think this has been my whole life with her... Insanity..
Did I mention the addictions to popcorn, Diet Coke & Cigar smoking? She turns 80 in March. Going up & down stairs is not easy for her (2 story).. I am thinking of a mini upstairs fridge but I know she will freak on that concept.
*I bring up every visit how having a part time-few hrs a week errand gal to lightly clean & take her to the store & back would be fun. That is met with cussing & yelling.. I tell her my friends' Parents accept the in home care. I have been firm with my boundaries and will continue to be.. I will NEVER live there or vice versa. My Kids don't even want her to meet their sig others or kids into the future. I am 58 and a full time Realtor. My Kids are late 20's. No spouses or G Kids yet... We are super close.
Her Doctor says until she is receptive to care in home or collapses and needs to be somewhere else. Says they would kick her out of AL in 2 minutes..
Also, she was an Alcoholic for a decade of my life & then Manic for another dozen years..(she ruined my wedding & I wouldn't let her meet my Daughter until she was 5 mos old) I can only handle what I can handle..
Takes me days to recover from the visits up & time to go up again & since I am the only one who calls her..I never get to walk away from her.. I wish I could be a man & compartmentalize. ;-) I feel sad & sorry for her..but more sorry (in a sense) for myself.. I will not-can not do more than I am doing.. I play Scrabble with her every time up. Combo of her loving to play & being a complete and utter jerk the entire game...I tell her we are not playing to win...just to keep our brains firing.. This past Friday she reduced me to tears. I finally said, "being negative is not the way." I never raise my voice to her. Only give her postitive encouragements... ***How do I stop stressing over it all so much? Do you all struggle to tune it out?
If your Parent was this person.. wouldn't you call once a day? To make sure they are still ..breathing?
I know at some point an Aide will have to come in, but it's not now. It is a hellish purgatory type of place to be in. Too soon..
My Dad was so freaking active & still walking around his complex year before he passed. He was 92 when he passed.
My Mom is sedentary.. Never been into sports or ..even walking.
EVERYONE should be exercising daily. Necessity, not a luxury..
Just like you, it takes me a long time to recover every time.
“Do you all struggle to tune it out?”
I tried this, but without success. The yelling and nastiness do affect me. I read one poster who said, her mother hurt her one too many times, and then she felt nothing: no pain. She stopped being affected by what her mother said.
But I think that’s rare. Most of us continue to feel beaten up, by verbal abuse.
You’re so kind OP, helping your mother. She’s extremely lucky you help her.
Now, what’s the best way to save your life? I hope many solutions present themselves.
I recently saw this quote. I’m trying to apply it to my life too:
“When you have exhausted all possibilities, remember this: you haven’t.”
You are not her slave.
You are destroying yourself, yet, she does whatever she wants.
You are accepting her decree that you will accept $hitty behavior from her, aren't you?
My dear, THE ONLY thing you can change here is YOUR behavior, not her wildly disordered thinking patterns and behaviors.
Her doctor has told you that you need to wait for a catastrophe. Stop trying to prevent it.
It would be good to think about the results of stopping what you do. If you don’t do ‘the basics’, how long could your mother continue to cope at all? Many posters are hanging on for the ‘crisis’ (eg a fall and broken bones) which will prompt a change. Crisis may take a different form for you and your M. If you miss two fortnightly visits, what will happen? Is that any worse than continuing like this for another few years? Which is harder for you, your conscience, and your mother to deal with?
You don’t have to decide about this now, but keep it in the back of your mind. Perhaps think about how to make the current situation less ‘OK’ for your M, without compromising her safety.
Set some boundaries regarding her yelling. Tell her something like that you will not be tolerating that anymore. If she continues, you will leave. Tell her this on the phone and remind her multiple times.
Good luck.
The answer is.......same as always: stop calling and visiting, that's how you stop stressing out about all of this. And that's how you don't HAVE to 'tune it out'........there's nothing there TO tune out in the first place.
Your mother is a toxic human being and you are willingly inhaling the fumes she is emanating. Then asking how to stop getting cancer from those fumes: it's not going to happen. You WILL get sick from inhaling toxic fumes, period, b/c there is no way to avoid it.
I had a toxic mother, so I kept my contact with her strictly LIMITED for my own health and sanity. I did not call her daily b/c that would have caused me undue angst and brain damage, so why would I do that? It's in my fiber to be a good person, yes, but to be a doormat, no. I am worthy of more as a child of God than to be spat on and treated like dirt. So are you. When you realize that, you will take the FOG out of the equation here and let your mother know that you're not willing to be her whipping post any longer.
And like her doctor said, "......until she is receptive to care in home or collapses and needs to be somewhere else......." your hands are tied. So leave her to her own devices to collapse or have a medical emergency which FORCES her into managed care. As long as you continue propping her up, she is able to feign independence at YOUR EXPENSE and be cocky about it at the same time.
Do what needs to be done to preserve your own sanity & force your mother's hand in getting her placed. Today is a good day to start that process.
Who was there for your Mom when you pulled back? Was she in AL? Or living solo at home, like mine?
This is GREAT...really GREAT:
"I had a toxic mother, so I kept my contact with her strictly LIMITED for my own health and sanity. I did not call her daily b/c that would have caused me undue angst and brain damage, so why would I do that? It's in my fiber to be a good person, yes, but to be a doormat, no. I am worthy of more as a child of God than to be spat on and treated like dirt. So are you. When you realize that, you will take the FOG out of the equation here and let your mother know that you're not willing to be her whipping post any longer."
Thx!
Cut the phone convos shorter.. lv sooner when I go up for the day..
I will NOT cave, in terms of any living situation with her...EVER.. Told her I have been thru enough. I have my Kids and career.. and our futures..
She steers it back to her, " "Nope. What about me?" I told her I am doing all I can, and that we will need to bring in help in time. Tell her I know how I need to operate that is best for me and them and my career...
She cusses and yelled to that. Reminded her re: my friends' parents and their help...
The convos with her are on loop.. Boring.
NPD + Borderline is brutal......
I am not a fan of her. We couldn't be any different...
For Mom to see she needs outsiders to help her now? For Mom to independently arrange this help? For Mom to be happy about it? Accept it?
Maybe for Mom to be moved into a clean, safe, staffed facility?
Or even for Mom to be different? Cured? Not suffer mental illness or dementia?
My very simple view from an outsider here, is Mom cannot self-care independently.
I agree with her Doctor, her choice is to accept home services or await a crises. Basically accept change NOW or a crises will FORCE change. Force BIG changes!
I also see you are kind of in the same situation.
Accept you need to change what you are doing now. Change what you do for Mom. Or await a crises - which will force change for both of you.
What will you choose?
She will never change. Mental illness has been with her almost 50 yrs.
I see what you are saying. One thing I will continue to choose is her ONLY options are in care assistance before long OR a facility of sorts.. I will not be Caregiver-live with her. Unfortunately, it may have to be an accident-a fall that forces a change.. She is a pain in the ass. Nothing is a "yes."
Not the time to burn thru 10K+ a month, when she could live another 10-20 yrs. Dear God.
PS When you have the ability to walk...walk. Do not become sedentary into your 70's .. Exercise is a necessity, not a luxury. I miss my Dad. My Mom is 100% ungrateful & NPD..
That's a very good explanation!
I have spent time stuck with ruminating thoughts.. Such a bossy companion as it drives all other thoughts away.
Trying to remember just HOW I managed to finally stop it...
PS
"Stop calling everyday".
Kmj, I think you have it!
Lessen the super highway access of Mom's issues entering the OP's brain every day. Cut this down to 2-3 x week, then once a week. This will allow the OP's own thoughts (currently laying flat & squashed under the highway) to spring up & grow 🌱🌻🌳
I have an abusive mother too. Like you, I help my mother because it’s the right thing to do, and I love her.
She’s awful to me. I try so hard not to be hurt by her words, but I do get hurt.
She’s the only abusive person in my life. My life would be perfect without her abuse. Like your mother, my mother will never change. I reduced contact, but I won’t reduce contact to zero.
I either will be hurt/abused by her until she dies.
OR
I magically find a way to stop feeling hurt.
She makes my days miserable.
Have you found any way to not let your mother’s abuse affect you?
When I hang up the phone, yep, nothing unexpected on that call. Means all is well with her. Then I get back to my life.
Visiting her, I just don't go very often. I live to far to make day trips and quite frankly, when I have time to do something besides work, I'm not interested in having my heart kicked all over the place.
Until you decide that you can't manage this self imposed schedule, nothing is going to change.
You call, a salesman calls, she yells and cusses, wash, rinse, repeat. Expect this and you won't be so tormented by her behavior.
I’ll try this too, thanks!
Abused daughters, let’s all learn from each other!
You don't have to deal with it and you shouldn't. Cut her out of your life.
If short interactions with her results in you needing several days to recover from, cut her out of her life.
You say she ruined your wedding. You did not allow her to see your child until she was five months old. Seriously, I don't mean to sound harsh, but I'm going to soeak plainly to you.
You have never been a priority to your mother. She doesn't care all that much about you. Your relationship with her is servant/master.
You are hers to abuse and dump on and have been your whole life.
It's time for you to walk away. Leave her in alone with her hoard. She deserves it. You don't. Let APS sort her out.
Is it helping Mom? Helping her see she must change? That she needs outside help?
Or is it for you? To help make you feel good, useful, giving? (I can understand that).
More questions.. sorry 😊
Would there be other ways to help Mom?
What would those other ways look like?
You have spoken frankly to Mom's Doctor - excellent! The Doctor agreed this is a hard space for your Mom to be in - between competent & incompetent.
Is propping someone's life up the only way to help? Or only way to show love? Is it the best way? Is it really helping them? Or hindering their journey?
that's a really good question. i remember reading what barbbrooklyn wrote. i don't remember the exact words, but it was: honoring your parents (showing you love your parents) also means living your best life (taking care of your career, making sure your life is blossoming, etc.).
I totally agree about standing up to abusers. I'll give it right back to a person I don't care who they are or how old they are.
Being elderly does not give a person a free pass to be an a*****e.
If you're a respectful person then it's right to expect others to be respectful too.
No one has to tolerate abuse even when the abuser has dementia or mental illness. Abuse is abuse and I will not have it.
As you said OP, your mom is difficult and hateful.
(For now, let’s forget about all the mothers who can’t help it; who have some illness that forces them to behave horribly/abusively — but EVEN THEY sometimes know what they’re doing, because they very often direct it ONLY at the daughter). (Anyway, for now let’s forget about the abusive mothers who can’t help it.)
Let’s focus on all the other abusive mothers.
I’m thinking:
If you’re having a bad day, exhausted running around trying to help your abusive mom; emotionally and financially damaged by all the abuse and helping…
IT’S NOT AN ACCIDENT.
Your abusive mother WANTED you that way:
-exhausted
-bad day
-emotions all over the place
-destroyed
-losing money
-etc.
Save yourself, because she’s trying to destroy you. Those negative things you’re experiencing? She’s intentionally doing that against you.
remember, let’s not be PREY. neither you, nor i.
abusive mothers can be like predators; no mercy; trying to ruin your life. miserable people want others to be miserable (remember that).
it’s extremely kind, all you do for your mother.
yet she is abusive, despite all your kindness.
let me guess: she HERSELF never cared for her elderly mother?
it’s so typical.
abusive elderly mothers against their helping daughter - and they THEMSELVES never helped THEIR aging mother.