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Just a thought, you said you worked for Bayada so ur an experienced aide. Again, I would get Dads wife evaluated by Office of Aging. When you get the evaluation, you inform her children that you will not be her caregiver. Because, you are a professional aide and as such get paid to care for people.
Eventually you will need to place Dad. You have no responsibility for SM, her kids have it. They are using you. There are posts here where Steps move their parent out of a home leaving the other spouse behind. Yes its wrong to a point.
I so hope you have POA for Dad. If so, I would see an Elder Lawyer about splitting assets. Dads split would go to his care and about 2 or 3 months before its gone, apply for Medicaid. SM would have her split and then she would be her children's problem.
I may get Office of the Aging to come in and evaluate SM. If they find she could not live on her own without u there, then her dear children need to be called. They need to be told that you r not there for SM, your there for Dad. Its up to them to get her care since they have the POA. You will not be her caregiver too. Again, assets get split.
Seems this woman did not raise you and you were not raised with her children. So IMO, she is not a stepmother, she is ur fathers wife. They are not ur siblings, just her children.
Your Dad has Dementia so at this point he can not be reasoned with. He does not understand why his wife cannot go with him. You cannot handle to elderly people. His wife needs to give him an excuse why she cannot go with him.
When she starts needing help bathing, dressing and toileting thats when her children would be called and told she is now ur responsibility. If you don't take her care over I will be calling APS. Then u tell APS the children give u no info and they have POA. That you are not capable of caring for 2 elderly people when your hands are tied with one of them. Dad is ur priority.
Great responses from everyone. I would like to add that Barb and JoAnn brought up excellent points.
I also had unpleasant experiences in my car. My experience wasn’t with an elderly person but the principal is the same.
This happened many years ago. I have a few friends who have children with special needs. One friend in particular has a son with severe autism who is non verbal, extremely sensitive to certain fabrics, picky eater and challenging in every way that you can imagine.
She would occasionally ask me to join her to bring her teenage son to the park. He liked to swing in the playground area and so on.
On the drive over to the park my friend would sit in the backseat with him so she could monitor him carefully. He is extremely possessive of his mother. He has a fit and loses his temper if she speaks to other people. He literally controls her life.
She doesn’t know how to handle the situation and sadly has given into him out of frustration and fear. He has attacked her on many occasions. He attacked his grandmother and me as well. I’ve known the family even before her son was born.
His psychiatrist has him on certain medications but incidents still happen.
Anyway, one day his mother and I were taking him to the park and he opened up the car door while I was driving at a high speed on interstate. I was terrified! His mom was able to shut the door. After that, I immediately put the child locks on.
Another thing that he started doing was pulling my hair as I was driving or reaching over and pinching my arm so hard that I had bruises all over my arm.
He didn’t want his mom to speak with me. He was so possessive that he even tried pushing me down the stairs at her house. Needless to say, as much as I cared about my friend, I told her that he was not going to be in my car anymore and that I would not go to her house any longer. She was welcome to visit me or we could meet somewhere if he wasn’t around. He became violent and I decided that I was not going to tolerate any abuse.
So, my point is that if driving in a car isn’t safe, don’t do it! It’s not worth endangering your life or lives of others who are sharing the road. Horrible accidents happen and it is better to protect yourself from danger than to be sorry or even worse, killed in a horrific accident.
This seems like another situation where a family caregiver is expected to provide care for which they're not trained. A family caregiver wants to help and please, but the task is dangerous for all concerned.
I have been one of those. Now I know my limitations. Gracie, know yours. Don't do anything you aren't qualified to do. Protect yourself!
Lea makes a good point. It's difficult to imagine why you would choose to take out an elder who is not at all steady, especially knowing that any disaster will be met with ire from the POA.
As I suggested, take a lovely lunch in and set it up in the room, chat and enjoy one another, take a walk on the grounds and all is well. I wouldn't consider any field trips in these circumstances.
I choose not to there for I haven't . Problemis dad is getting very angry and I causing problems that I will not and SM getting abusive also , I have stuck to my guns and say NO
A better question, in my opinion is, why would you WANT to take a dizzy, medicated, on-a-walker elder out in the first place?? That's a recipe for disaster whether a lawsuit winds up being filed or not. Its not that she "could be" a liability....shes a definite liability in every sense of the word!
I don't want to take her any where. Dad refuses to go to Dr unless wife goes to . He has missed his last three appointments because I felt I shouldn't take SM and I haven't and it's causing riffs here between dad and I
I would not take her out. A fall could mean a broken hip which is very serious in the elderly. Like said, you can be sued for anything. Can you not bring lunch to her or dinner and enjoy it with her.
I had a friend who fell out of a car 2x. She was 5ft 10 to my 5ft and weighted at least 200lbs. I stopped taking her to lunch. I did not want that responsibility.
Thank you, I'm my dad's main caregiver . Stepmoms children tell me she needs no care (lol) . They live in another state, but have told me there the only ones a Dr should call there is no communication about her health at all or any communication at all period .
I made the decision to stop taking my Husband for rides in the car when I felt it became unsafe for HIM and for ME to get him in and out of the car. Even with the help of a caregiver. And I had the caregiver discontinue walks around the neighborhood when I felt it was unsafe for him to continue. Falls happen. They can happen at home, in the hospital, they can happen with the person is alone or surrounded by people. If you are not the primary caregiver, or if you are not responsible for her care I would ask who is responsible how they want you to handle this. If s-mom is cognizant you can ask her. Discuss the risks of taking her out. I would use a Gait Belt. And look at videos on how to help a person fall safely. (at least more safely than just going down like a sack of potatoes.) Watching a video like that will also keep you more safe in that your first instinct is to prevent the fall but the safest thing is to guide the person down safely. As far as suing you. People can sue for anything. I would doubt that you would be held responsible.
Thank you . I have worked for Bayada in the past and get the fall protection . I'm more worried about the family reaction .,of she falls taking her out . I'm not suppose to be her caregiver. The children have not put care in place . I'm my father's main caregiver . It's hard even thinking about separate care I treat them pretty much the same . If I care just for Dad he gets angry. If he goes out he wants to take her . Mobility for him is tough . Take one out is hard with transfer belt how do I do two ....I don't know my step siblings but they have let me know there's proxy and POA in place. They give no guidelines nor guidance about stepmothers conditions and m. Leary .
I don't understand "I could be sued if her children are due happy people". Be that as it may, if you are concerned about taking out your stepmother and she is currently not competent in making her own decisions, I would pass it by her POA, get permission, or not do it.
I don't believe that you can be liable, but as far as suits are concerned, as an attorney said to me, "Anyone can sue anyone. Want me to sue someone, choose a name out of the phone book and give me money; I will sue them". Problems with lawsuits aren't that they may win, but that you would have to defend with an attorney and that's costly.
If you are a stepdaughter, and there isn't a good relationship between you and any other family members, I would tread carefully. I would, in fact, not go on outings knowing that there are balance and safety issues. Not worth the recriminations if there is an accident. Visits in the facility are fine; get a good take-in lunch and enjoy your visit.
This forum is repleat with stories about LOs who have fallen even when someone was standing right next to them. It happens all the time when an elder is a fall risk. My Aunt's care agency sends out a differently qualified person if a client is a fall risk, so apparently there are helpful things to know (and maybe they have more appropriate insurance).
Maybe ask her children if she has ever been assessed as a fall risk by her doctor. If she has vertigo, she could keel over in her own home (been there, done that). FYI there is no medication that truly takes away all the dizziness, and it usually just makes one sleepy (like Meclazine) or addresses the nausea. Hopefully her children aren't that vicious or litigious to sue over some such incident. If you think they are, then I'd avoid the risk. Let them take it themselves.
Does she do dangerous stuff like grabbing on to people or furniture for support?
Does she have dementia?
I ask this last question because my mom, dxed with Vascular Dementia, attempted to wrest the steering wheel of our car from my husband while we were transporting her from rehab to her new Assisted Living facility. I have no idea what she thought was happening but all of a sudden, she was weeping hysterically and grabbing the wheel.
I was told by another caretaker , on a visit to Dr with dad . The step siblings are not around nor communicate and when or if they did it was only to tell me . They are the only contact numbers any doctors should have . I live with my parents I'm my dad's caretaker .
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
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I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
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If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
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This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I so hope you have POA for Dad. If so, I would see an Elder Lawyer about splitting assets. Dads split would go to his care and about 2 or 3 months before its gone, apply for Medicaid. SM would have her split and then she would be her children's problem.
I may get Office of the Aging to come in and evaluate SM. If they find she could not live on her own without u there, then her dear children need to be called. They need to be told that you r not there for SM, your there for Dad. Its up to them to get her care since they have the POA. You will not be her caregiver too. Again, assets get split.
Seems this woman did not raise you and you were not raised with her children. So IMO, she is not a stepmother, she is ur fathers wife. They are not ur siblings, just her children.
Your Dad has Dementia so at this point he can not be reasoned with. He does not understand why his wife cannot go with him. You cannot handle to elderly people. His wife needs to give him an excuse why she cannot go with him.
When she starts needing help bathing, dressing and toileting thats when her children would be called and told she is now ur responsibility. If you don't take her care over I will be calling APS. Then u tell APS the children give u no info and they have POA. That you are not capable of caring for 2 elderly people when your hands are tied with one of them. Dad is ur priority.
What is your exit strategy?
I also had unpleasant experiences in my car. My experience wasn’t with an elderly person but the principal is the same.
This happened many years ago. I have a few friends who have children with special needs. One friend in particular has a son with severe autism who is non verbal, extremely sensitive to certain fabrics, picky eater and challenging in every way that you can imagine.
She would occasionally ask me to join her to bring her teenage son to the park. He liked to swing in the playground area and so on.
On the drive over to the park my friend would sit in the backseat with him so she could monitor him carefully. He is extremely possessive of his mother. He has a fit and loses his temper if she speaks to other people. He literally controls her life.
She doesn’t know how to handle the situation and sadly has given into him out of frustration and fear. He has attacked her on many occasions. He attacked his grandmother and me as well. I’ve known the family even before her son was born.
His psychiatrist has him on certain medications but incidents still happen.
Anyway, one day his mother and I were taking him to the park and he opened up the car door while I was driving at a high speed on interstate. I was terrified! His mom was able to shut the door. After that, I immediately put the child locks on.
Another thing that he started doing was pulling my hair as I was driving or reaching over and pinching my arm so hard that I had bruises all over my arm.
He didn’t want his mom to speak with me. He was so possessive that he even tried pushing me down the stairs at her house. Needless to say, as much as I cared about my friend, I told her that he was not going to be in my car anymore and that I would not go to her house any longer. She was welcome to visit me or we could meet somewhere if he wasn’t around. He became violent and I decided that I was not going to tolerate any abuse.
So, my point is that if driving in a car isn’t safe, don’t do it! It’s not worth endangering your life or lives of others who are sharing the road. Horrible accidents happen and it is better to protect yourself from danger than to be sorry or even worse, killed in a horrific accident.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/if-you-are-going-to-become-a-caregiver-480769.htm?orderby=oldest
I have been one of those. Now I know my limitations. Gracie, know yours. Don't do anything you aren't qualified to do. Protect yourself!
We are all far too helping.
As I suggested, take a lovely lunch in and set it up in the room, chat and enjoy one another, take a walk on the grounds and all is well. I wouldn't consider any field trips in these circumstances.
Have fun!
Who takes MIL to doctor?
I don't see how you can manage two elders, one with dementia one with a walker, safely.
Can you not bring lunch to her or dinner and enjoy it with her.
I had a friend who fell out of a car 2x. She was 5ft 10 to my 5ft and weighted at least 200lbs. I stopped taking her to lunch. I did not want that responsibility.
Falls happen.
They can happen at home, in the hospital, they can happen with the person is alone or surrounded by people.
If you are not the primary caregiver, or if you are not responsible for her care I would ask who is responsible how they want you to handle this. If s-mom is cognizant you can ask her. Discuss the risks of taking her out.
I would use a Gait Belt. And look at videos on how to help a person fall safely. (at least more safely than just going down like a sack of potatoes.) Watching a video like that will also keep you more safe in that your first instinct is to prevent the fall but the safest thing is to guide the person down safely.
As far as suing you. People can sue for anything. I would doubt that you would be held responsible.
Be that as it may, if you are concerned about taking out your stepmother and she is currently not competent in making her own decisions, I would pass it by her POA, get permission, or not do it.
I don't believe that you can be liable, but as far as suits are concerned, as an attorney said to me, "Anyone can sue anyone. Want me to sue someone, choose a name out of the phone book and give me money; I will sue them". Problems with lawsuits aren't that they may win, but that you would have to defend with an attorney and that's costly.
If you are a stepdaughter, and there isn't a good relationship between you and any other family members, I would tread carefully. I would, in fact, not go on outings knowing that there are balance and safety issues. Not worth the recriminations if there is an accident.
Visits in the facility are fine; get a good take-in lunch and enjoy your visit.
Maybe ask her children if she has ever been assessed as a fall risk by her doctor. If she has vertigo, she could keel over in her own home (been there, done that). FYI there is no medication that truly takes away all the dizziness, and it usually just makes one sleepy (like Meclazine) or addresses the nausea. Hopefully her children aren't that vicious or litigious to sue over some such incident. If you think they are, then I'd avoid the risk. Let them take it themselves.
I would consider:
Is it safe to take her out of her residence?
Do her children take her out?
Can she transfer by herself into your vehicle?
Does she use her walker properly?
Does she do dangerous stuff like grabbing on to people or furniture for support?
Does she have dementia?
I ask this last question because my mom, dxed with Vascular Dementia, attempted to wrest the steering wheel of our car from my husband while we were transporting her from rehab to her new Assisted Living facility. I have no idea what she thought was happening but all of a sudden, she was weeping hysterically and grabbing the wheel.
Proceed with caution.
Who told you this information?
I can’t imagine being sued for your stepmom failing. That’s insane to me.
How could it possibly be your fault if she falls?
Accidents happen. It’s not like you could prevent an accident from happening.