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My sister has guardianship for mom and has limited my visiting. She taken me to court to stop me visiting. Will the court ask for my mum to attend court or can my sister refuse her going as she is guardian.
You won't get any argument from me about that. People make assumptions on the basis of sketchy, often highly selective information from other parties and are then very reluctant to change them, or to notice anything that contradicts their established view. It sucks. But you can't change that by telling them what you think of them and their teeny, tiny bigoted minds! Eyes on the prize...
but it is shocking how you have to pussy foot around people just to stop them putting in reports against you and your there to visit your mum I have been the sweetest person even helping other residents yet there still on my case
VS, you're absolutely right - they want to get rid of the boat-rocker, don't they? And since a rocking boat is not a very safe place for a sweet little old lady, they can quite easily make themselves seem to have right on their side. Even if the little old lady enjoys a bit of bumpiness now and then. Tsk. Your advice is right on the money - Kikki, maybe rethink which battles you can win?
You might have to promise no more cigarettes or whiskey. And of course "taking her out" has to be with everyone knowing where you are going, signing in and out and all that. It sounds like they don't trust you at all and are ready to pounce at the slightest thing, and would find it less stressful to not even deal with you, which of course is unfair to both you and Mom.
You also mentioned you are going in to make sure she is alright, which could translate into making sure she is being taken care of properly, and I could see where that might make the others defensive and more apt to pre-emptively strike at you too...I'd say make sure your focus could shift to going in to stay in touch, to see if there is anything you can do for Mom, to have a few enjoyable times together.
Sigh. My heart is heavy for you. I'm sure I couldn't stand what you're having to go through without spitting in someone's eye. The care home staff possibly seem a bit two-faced to you, do they? - sad thing is, they kind of have to be. You're nice to them, they know that, but then when they're dealing with your sister they also know what she wants to hear - and what's in it for them if they stand up for you? It's a bugger. Tell the truth, shame the devil and fingers crossed SOMEONE (as well as you) will take a lively interest in what your mother wants. Best of luck.
march 3rd I have bent over backwards to be nice and pleasant in the home I just feel am banging my head off the wall they are on my sisters side and if I sneeze the wrong way its reported I will check out the judge and heres hoping they don't like social workers or carehome workers thank you
Kikki, you may lose all visitation if you take her out, give her cigarettes, or characterize your sister in any way or encourage mum to move out of there. Please get some counseling on how to deal with mum's dementia. Take a trusted friend with you on visitation who can change the subject when you are in danger of heading the wrong way.
Kikki is there anyone you know who knows your family's background story and can advise you?
How advanced is your mother's dementia?
I really feel for you about how it must seem to you when you visit your mother - as though she's living in some kind of thought-policed dictatorship. It's very hard.
I don't know if this will be a comforting thought or the opposite. But if your mother has suffered from dementia for some years now, the reality for her is different from what you see. For example, when she says she wants to get out: she does want to, yes, but it's not a reality-based wish. Out to where? Home with you? How would she know what that would be like? The point is that not wanting to be where she is is a different thing from really wanting to be somewhere else specifically. I know it's upsetting enough to think that she's unhappy; but unfortunately that doesn't mean you could solve the problem even if you were acting with POA.
I hate the thought of a place where an older person can't swear, smoke and be rude (or for that matter have sex dangling from a chandelier) if they feel like it. You must find it terribly oppressive. But, again, if your mother's dementia is advanced she won't be suffering in the same way that she would if her mind were clear and she were being kept there against her lucid will.
I know what you mean about the feeling that your sister forgets that your mother isn't a child. It gets up my nose, too, when people talk over or talk about elderly people as if it's legitimate to ignore their right to autonomy. It's actually not even legal! But then again, neither is it a straightforward task to combine acting in a demented person's best interests with respecting their right to autonomy. All too often it's almost impossible to distinguish between the person's genuine wishes and the more bizarre ideas they may be coming out with as a result of disease. Most people, most of the time, are just doing their best to tread a very fine line.
Well. If it's your sister who is bringing the action to stop you seeing your mother, rather than your applying for increased access, your sister will have to demonstrate that your visits are detrimental to your mother's wellbeing. If you can convince the judge that you're not disruptive, you are happy to work with care professionals (not necessarily the current ones, but it would help if you were conciliatory towards them - appreciating the difficulty of the job they have to do, for example, would earn you a lot of plus points), you should be in with a chance.
Do your homework on the judge hearing your case (they don't all care for social workers, for example). Read up comparable cases. Watch your language. How long have you got 'til the hearing?
my sister is very friendly with the social worker and the carers in the home believe me I have and still trying very hard to keep my mouth shut but the carers are always wandering about us and listening to every thing we say and as soon as they hear us talk about family or if mum swears or says anything against my sister they are right in there saying you have not to swear and don't talk about your daughter like that if mum says she wants out of there they say this is your home and you like it if there is any contradiction from me or mum there away reporting it I think my sister forgets that mum is her mother and not a child thank you for your advise take care
Ah! - that half helps… Except that Scots law will differ slightly from English, of course. If it were me, I'd give the court a ring - I've always found clerks and administrators really helpful. The family courts are very good about being flexible. If the judge wants to interview your mother in her care home, he can do that; it might not hurt to see if you can somehow get the idea on the agenda.
You could also call the Office of the Public Guardian (you'll find the Scots details on the same gov.uk website).
What about Social Services? Does your mother have a key worker? If they're not already involved, there's nothing to stop you asking. You could suggest that a social worker accompany you on visits to your mother to support and counsel you, for example - that would take the wind out of your sister's sails like nothing else.
What care home is your mother in? Are you happy with it, generally? - or also concerned about that? Who collated these adverse reports? And, more importantly, who requested/commissioned them?
Have you thought of the Citizens' Advice Bureau (not sure what their reach is like in Scotland)?
I'm terribly sad for you, but I think this is going to be a long and difficult process with an uncertain outcome. As you say, the important thing is that your mother is looked after. Don't forget that you can write to her, you can send her little presents, just let her know you are thinking of her. Expect them to be opened and read (she wouldn't be able to do that for herself anyway, they're not just snooping) and word them accordingly.
I understand that the restrictions placed on your visiting must get on your nerves. What do you talk to your mother about if not family?! - unless you've got a shared keen interest in stamp collecting or something. But the thing is, your mother can't help with reconciliation and thinking about the family's troubles will only distress her. The restrictions get absurdly detailed, but they are there for a reason.
What you need to concentrate on is playing nice with the Powers That Be. It'll drive you nuts, but if you don't be a Good Girl you'll get nowhere. You have to play the game. Once they're satisfied that you're not an axe-murderer or granny-beater (or, if you'll excuse me, sh1t-stirrer) they might relax a bit and give you more leeway; but don't hold your breath. And, sadly, your mother will meanwhile become increasingly disabled and you'll feel you're running out of time. It's terrible, I'm so sorry.
Don't forget there's a whole thread on this site devoted to 'the caregiver and dysfunctional families' - if you want to get things off your chest that's a very safe place to do it.
Good luck, hope you get somewhere, let us know how you're doing.
long story 7years ago my mum made me P.O.A (diagnosed with dementia) and my father and sister went off their heads it should have been dad big argument and dad told me never step in his house again I was disowned 2years later the P.O.A has been cancelled when I phoned to speak with mum he hung up never saw mum for 4years and the whole family and relatives don't talk to me because dad says.My dad passed away 2years ago and I was not told he died,had to find out about funeral from a neighbour, not mentioned at the funeral and then I see mums house empty no one told me where she was I found her in a carehome my sister is guardian now and I am allowed to see mum 4 times a week for 1hr the carehome have always got something to report about me am not supposed to talk about family,take her out,give her cigarettes,now she is taken me to court to stop me seen mum altogether.the reports from care home say i get mum upset ,agitated and my attitude to carers is terrible which is all rubbish i go in and make sure mums alright that's all that matters am not interested in any of the carers as long as they look after mum
If your sister has guardianship I doubt that the court would require her to appear. What were the circumstances that the court gave her guardianship in the first place? What was your involvement then? You need a lawyer to help you out.
The judge will consider arguments from both sides. The plaintiff (your sis) will have to show the evidence proving your presence is detrimental to her ward (your mom). You will be given the opportunity in court to refute the allegations. Get a lawyer.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You also mentioned you are going in to make sure she is alright, which could translate into making sure she is being taken care of properly, and I could see where that might make the others defensive and more apt to pre-emptively strike at you too...I'd say make sure your focus could shift to going in to stay in touch, to see if there is anything you can do for Mom, to have a few enjoyable times together.
How advanced is your mother's dementia?
I really feel for you about how it must seem to you when you visit your mother - as though she's living in some kind of thought-policed dictatorship. It's very hard.
I don't know if this will be a comforting thought or the opposite. But if your mother has suffered from dementia for some years now, the reality for her is different from what you see. For example, when she says she wants to get out: she does want to, yes, but it's not a reality-based wish. Out to where? Home with you? How would she know what that would be like? The point is that not wanting to be where she is is a different thing from really wanting to be somewhere else specifically. I know it's upsetting enough to think that she's unhappy; but unfortunately that doesn't mean you could solve the problem even if you were acting with POA.
I hate the thought of a place where an older person can't swear, smoke and be rude (or for that matter have sex dangling from a chandelier) if they feel like it. You must find it terribly oppressive. But, again, if your mother's dementia is advanced she won't be suffering in the same way that she would if her mind were clear and she were being kept there against her lucid will.
I know what you mean about the feeling that your sister forgets that your mother isn't a child. It gets up my nose, too, when people talk over or talk about elderly people as if it's legitimate to ignore their right to autonomy. It's actually not even legal! But then again, neither is it a straightforward task to combine acting in a demented person's best interests with respecting their right to autonomy. All too often it's almost impossible to distinguish between the person's genuine wishes and the more bizarre ideas they may be coming out with as a result of disease. Most people, most of the time, are just doing their best to tread a very fine line.
Well. If it's your sister who is bringing the action to stop you seeing your mother, rather than your applying for increased access, your sister will have to demonstrate that your visits are detrimental to your mother's wellbeing. If you can convince the judge that you're not disruptive, you are happy to work with care professionals (not necessarily the current ones, but it would help if you were conciliatory towards them - appreciating the difficulty of the job they have to do, for example, would earn you a lot of plus points), you should be in with a chance.
Do your homework on the judge hearing your case (they don't all care for social workers, for example). Read up comparable cases. Watch your language. How long have you got 'til the hearing?
You could also call the Office of the Public Guardian (you'll find the Scots details on the same gov.uk website).
What about Social Services? Does your mother have a key worker? If they're not already involved, there's nothing to stop you asking. You could suggest that a social worker accompany you on visits to your mother to support and counsel you, for example - that would take the wind out of your sister's sails like nothing else.
What care home is your mother in? Are you happy with it, generally? - or also concerned about that? Who collated these adverse reports? And, more importantly, who requested/commissioned them?
Have you thought of the Citizens' Advice Bureau (not sure what their reach is like in Scotland)?
I'm terribly sad for you, but I think this is going to be a long and difficult process with an uncertain outcome. As you say, the important thing is that your mother is looked after. Don't forget that you can write to her, you can send her little presents, just let her know you are thinking of her. Expect them to be opened and read (she wouldn't be able to do that for herself anyway, they're not just snooping) and word them accordingly.
I understand that the restrictions placed on your visiting must get on your nerves. What do you talk to your mother about if not family?! - unless you've got a shared keen interest in stamp collecting or something. But the thing is, your mother can't help with reconciliation and thinking about the family's troubles will only distress her. The restrictions get absurdly detailed, but they are there for a reason.
What you need to concentrate on is playing nice with the Powers That Be. It'll drive you nuts, but if you don't be a Good Girl you'll get nowhere. You have to play the game. Once they're satisfied that you're not an axe-murderer or granny-beater (or, if you'll excuse me, sh1t-stirrer) they might relax a bit and give you more leeway; but don't hold your breath. And, sadly, your mother will meanwhile become increasingly disabled and you'll feel you're running out of time. It's terrible, I'm so sorry.
Don't forget there's a whole thread on this site devoted to 'the caregiver and dysfunctional families' - if you want to get things off your chest that's a very safe place to do it.
Good luck, hope you get somewhere, let us know how you're doing.