I will try to make this as brief as I can. 10 years ago, I moved in with my boyfriend and his father. It was meant to be temporary however his father continued to decline in health. He has COPD and emphysema and was put on oxygen in 2019. In 2021, I decided to buy my first home. We had his father come with us, because the only other option was to leave him where he was and he wasn’t physically well enough to care for himself or the home.
I bought my home because it specifically offered first floor living for my FIL. The bathroom is maybe 8 feet away, kitchen is 10 feet. It was perfect. He did well in the beginning and was able to do most things himself but in July 2022, we all came down with COVID. Ever since then, he barely leaves his bed. I started bringing him everything he needed, including food/drinks, etc.
Then, about 2 months ago, he had a random bout of what he said was diarrhea. He had accidents in his pajamas almost daily. We got him Depends, thinking this was a temporary situation however ever since then, he will only have bowel movements in the Depends regardless of how often we tell him he needs to use the toilet. His doctors said he was constipated and the stool was the loose stool coming out however this has been going on for two months now.
My SIL is the only one willing to change his Depends and shower him and she only comes here once, maybe twice a week. He will soil himself and sit in it until my SIL comes to clean him. He is capable of cleaning himself up, because he has done it before, though I know it takes a lot of energy.
I pushed my SIL to get home care, so now for the last week there has been a nurse, physical therapist, occupational therapist and social worker here. The nurse comes, takes his vitals (which are always good) and then leaves. He has very little interest in therapy. He will do the exercises while they are here but doesn’t do them when they are gone. He refuses to get up and move every hour, even though that’s what the nurse instructed him to do. It seems like all he wants to do is lay in his bed and have everything done for him with no effort on his part.
As this progresses, I have increasingly become more frustrated and unhappy. I don’t like being home. I work a hybrid schedule so I am home 3 days a week and I am responsible for bringing him all of his meals and medications and must be here when home care comes to see him. My SIL bathes him once a week but once we obtain an aide, her job will be done except to come visit him when she has time.
I feel extreme guilt for what I’m about to say but I don’t want to do this. I care about his well being and that is why I have stepped up and have done what I’ve done thus far but I never anticipated caring for him on a daily basis for the rest of his life. I truly feel as though a nursing home would be better for him but my SIL will say no because of the money factor and my FIL does not want to be in a home.
My SIL, who works in a nursing home, has said she would have him live with her but she has not made any action to move forward with that plan.
I don’t know how to explain to them that I didn’t want to take on this responsibility without feeling like I’m being extremely selfish. We have a family meeting scheduled this weekend and I know when I tell them I don’t want to care for their father in this way, they are going to tell me that I invited him to live with us so I can not ask him to leave. I fear they will make me feel guilty and selfish but I also feel as though this shouldn’t be my responsibility. I also fear having to look my FIL in the face and tell him I don’t want to care for him. What kind of heartless person does that make me? I never wanted to make him feel like a burden but I also don’t want to be unhappy either.
Please, any advice will help.
I pushed my SIL to get home care, so now for the last week there has been a nurse, physical therapist, occupational therapist and social worker here. The nurse comes, takes his vitals (which are always good) and then leaves."
Since the nurse, PT, OT and SW surely don't come at the same time, what do they say when he's sitting there stinking?
So many times we read how the mother doesn't want her son(s) to do personal hygiene for her, because she's so embarrassed (or they claim they are). So in this family the father is fine with his daughter changing and showering him?
If your BF is willing to let his father sit and stink up YOUR house and can't be bothered to change and shower him, that just adds another layer of disrespect for you. Does your entire house stink constantly?
In this family, yes, the father is ok with the daughter bathing him. She only started bathing him in the last two months because of the accidents he was having. When we told him we were getting an aide, he tried to say no and that his daughter had to do it but obviously his daughter told him she can't be coming down here all of the time.
My fiancé is also not happy about the poo situation. He really isn't. At times, the house does stink. His bedroom is directly off of my kitchen so most times my kitchen stinks. The couple of times he managed to change his own Depends, he would leave it on his bedroom floor by the door until my fiancé came home from work to put it in a bag and take it out. We did not tell him to do this. We told him to put it in the garbage in the bathroom and we will take it out. Never was quite sure why he left it on his floor.
I'm guessing SIL will try to bargain before accepting full caregiving responsibility. For example: "Okay, I'll come at least once a day." That would still be a sweet deal for partner and SIL--i.e., you are still the one doing almost all of the work. (Many people who post to this forum would happily change diapers *many* times a day if the remainder of the hours in the day were their own.)
Interesting that choices seem to be between you providing care or SIL providing care. Partner cannot pursue WFH position so that he can provide care himself?
Your boyfriend is not paying half the mortgage, he's paying RENT.
Your boyfriend does not own the house. You do. Do not change that.
Your boyfriend should be the MAIN caregiver for his dad, not you.
If your boyfriend can't be the main caregiver, then he should make other arrangements with his sibling(s).
You don't have a fiance. You have a boyfriend who has all/most of the benefits, and you all/most of the responsibilities. If he wanted to marry you, he would have done that a decade ago. He is just stringing you along to be his dad's maid/servant as long as possible. When the gig is up, let's see if he still wants to be engaged.
You need to wake up and realize what is happening. You need to see yourself as the owner of your space, your time, your life. You need to see that the boyfriend is taking advantage of you. You need to get mad. You need lay down the rules and carry them out.
With a boyfriend and his dad living in your house, and his siblings using you as a maid, you'd be better off being single.
I do wonder about the mortgage/rent thing. Depending on state law, this could perhaps be a situation of common law marriage with mingling of assets? Below is a link to a CA law firm webpage that sort of addresses the matter: https://www.sjdivorce.com/blog/2020/may/does-my-spouse-have-any-right-to-my-house-if-i-o/
No can and cannot. WILL NOT.
I will not care for your father any longer.
I will be putting the house on the market.
Practice in front of a mirror.
PS, your boyfriend doesn't "have your back" or he would have told his sisters where to get off YEARS ago.
mental distancing you need to do.
I know this sounds harsh, but this predicament will not go away by your being nice & accommodating. They do not see what you are doing as “nice & accommodating”, they see you as a servant or as a lesser as you are not “family” is my guess. Please do not let them talk you into your paying towards your boyfriends dads care or incidentals. He needs to spend his own money for things and for any copays for health care. Once he’s spent down his $, ONLY THEN will only he be eligible for LTC Medicaid custodial care financial criteria. You paying for things only delays his eligibility.
You can do this. I bet you thought you’d never ever own your own home, Yet you have done this! You can do this & not find yourself enmeshed anymore.
This man is not YOUR father. He is not even your FIL, yet. He IS however, your boyfriend's father. And I did not see a single mention of even ONE thing he has done for his own father. You talk about his sister coming once, maybe twice a week to help out. But other than that, it sounds like the rest has been on you. Am I reading this correctly?
You bought a house - because it was designed to accommodate him.
And after 10 years, I get why you act as if you are in the position of wife/DIL. For all we know, you may be in a U.S. State that recognizes common law marriage, in which case for all intents and purposes you have every right to feel and behave as if you are. HOWEVER, to date, your boyfriend/fiancé has not seen fit to "put a ring" on it so to speak, and neither of you have made it legal - which I also realize is somewhat "going out of fashion" for a lot of people. But my point is- you literally don't have any obligation to this man.
Heck. I've been legally married to my DH for 30 years and I don't legally have any obligation to my FIL. I don't have any actual obligation - moral, ethical or otherwise to care for him. There is only a perceived obligation as family.
The vibe I'm getting here is that you are being seriously taken advantage of. If you had come here and said "We are ALL working hard to ensure that my FIL (or whatever) is taken care of at home. BF does ABC, SIL does XYZ and I do EFG. We share these tasks, we have a nurse or aide that does these tasks and we have made it work but it's getting harder to manage" - then I could see where you might feel like you were being selfish for pulling just your support and upsetting the applecart - you wouldn't be - but if everyone had agreed to contribute and you had decided to stop - I could understand why you might have some feelings about it.
What *I* would feel in your situation is anger. Anger over the fact that you have become their solution to the problem. They aren't considering other options, not really.
You say your SIL has said that he can come live with her, but she has not made any action to move forward. And she probably won't. Why would she? She can come and go as she pleases and leave the brunt of the work to you AND she gets credit being the heroic daughter in the process. She gets to keep her job, her life and not have to make any hard choices about her dad.
And don't get me started on your bf. He has it all. He gets credit for taking care of his dad and he's not even doing it!
You sound like a very kind person. You don't want to make FIL feel like a burden. And that is admirable. But he is NOT your responsibility. But as long as you are the answer to all of their problems, they will not find another solution.
SIL does not want to put FIL in a home because of the money factor and because he doesn't want to be in one. NO ONE DOES! If all of the people who didn't want to be in a home were not in one, there would be no need for SNF. And there are almost always money options for people if they can't afford it. People just don't want to spend mom and dad's money because they want to hang on to it for themselves!!
You are not heartless. You are not selfish. You are tired. And this isn't even your fight. Stop fighting theirs and make them find their own solutions!
"I don't know what I should or shouldn't be doing".
This makes you easy prey for the grifters of the world (the sisters) who are manipulating you with Fear, Obligation and Guilt. It's called F.O.G. Look it up.
You owe your "not" FIL and his bratty kids nothing.
Please find yourself a therapist who can help you develop your ability to say "no, I can't possibly do that".
BF can't change and shower his father? What does he say about all of this? Does he expect you to take care of HIS father in the house that YOU bought? You don't get any money for having BF's father there?
Please let us know at the family meeting this weekend. IF BF's sister is serious about taking her father to live with her, then this will be the time for her to set that in motion. If she doesn't, then she was never really serious about it.
They ALL benefit from what you've been doing, including BF. And YOU are left with all the work. Just curious...why did you buy the house solo? Does your BF have a spotty financial history or debt problems or what? (I'm glad the house is in your name only, as this is a strong position to be in to eventually kick this entire family out of your life.)
And for heaven's sake, do not put your boyfriend on the deed to your house, even if you do get married "someday." That is your separate property, and if you do, you make it a joint asset.
I have a feeling that one day you'll need that asset for yourself.
Okay, this is fallacious logic. You invited him to live with you, but it doesn’t follow that you can’t ask him to leave. The circumstance has changed. When he moved in, he wasn’t sitting in poopy pants all day. He could look after himself. Now he needs full-time care and you aren’t qualified to provide it now or as he declines.
You are entitled to ask anyone to leave your home any time they make you uncomfortable. Selfish is a label that others put on you when they are manipulating you. I’d say these family members are “selfish” for wanting to heap this burden on you. Throw that at them and see what they say.
He needs to go to a care facility. They are mostly good places and he will have the 24/7 care he needs. Adopt that as your position and don’t budge.
Furthermore, he is not your father-in-law. He’s your boyfriend’s father. You have no obligation - you’re not even a family member. You’re entitled to take a hike and find a boyfriend who doesn’t expect you to sacrifice your life for his dad.
And where is this boyfriend, anyway? He should be changing the poopy diapers and treating the sores that are likely to result if his dad isn’t kept clean.
You deserve better.
Being this is YOUR home, you'll need to let your bf and the rest of his family know that you're in over your head with caring for their father. It's not right to leave him sitting in his own excrement for days on end, regardless of whether he's capable of cleaning himself up or not. He isn't. Which means he needs a higher level of care than he's getting in your home. SIL can take him immediately or everyone can choose to place him in managed care.
This does not make you a bad or a selfish person. You've cared for this man for a very long time now and his current needs exceed your abilities. Period. Everyone should be able to acknowledge that and thank you for all you've done w/o finger pointing or making you feel horrible or selfish. If they can't manage a civilized transfer of their father, kick them ALL out!
You've gone above and beyond for this family and they owe you a debt of gratitude now. That the father is in need of a SNF is not your doing.
This has nothing to do with not "wanting" the man but your inability to properly care for him. Only medical professionals with proper supplies and equipment are qualified to do so at this point. But your SIL should give it a go if she thinks otherwise.
Best of luck to you.
I knew he would never get better from his condition but I always thought when it got worse, there would be help. I don’t think I ever anticipated being the one who would be doing the daily caregiving.
What I don’t think any of them understand is how unwell he really is, though they should because I tell them all the time. He is in his pajamas every single day. He soils himself. He now urinates into a urinal container, which means he is moving even less by not walking to the bathroom. He has lost a significant amount of weight and muscle mass. Has little to no appetite and will rarely finish his meals. What if he falls when I’m not home? When I’m at work, he won’t get up to feed himself so he just won’t eat. He won’t do any of his PT or OT exercises even though I try to prompt him to do them. It’s sad. It’s heartbreaking. But mentally, he’s still competent. He just can’t do anything physically.
One of my fiancés sisters lives down the road and even she doesn’t come to help.
The other lives a little further away and will come once a week, maybe twice but only to change his Depends and clean him up. Then she’s gone.
I’m not sure even an aide will be enough to help unless it was an aide who was here daily for hours at a time to make sure he’s clean, showered, dressed and doing his exercises and working on his mobility.
My own father passed away when I was 13. I am the youngest of my siblings. My mother, thank the lord, is still in good health. I don’t even know what I should or shouldn’t be doing.
If placement in care doesn't happen I am afraid you have little choice other than to leave this situation and let this gentleman's family care for him.
It's up to you. Only you can make choices for your future.
You don't look someone in the face and say "I don't WANT TO take care of you anymore". Rather you look them in the face and say "I am so sorry but I CANNOT take care of you anymore". There is a world of difference.
There is a world of difference between selfish and looking out for your own self-interest, like your mental and physical health, and your ability to earn a living.
Your FIL's needs have increased beyond the capability of one person. In addition, this is not your parent. And you have no decision-making abilities in this scenario.
The only thing you have any control over are your actions. You are totally within your rights to say "I can't do this anymore. I will need to give up caregiving as of July 1. You will need to make other arrangements".
FIL's money is not an inheritance. It is there to be used for his care needs. It's your SIL who is being selfish.
If she wants him to live with her, she should be paid for that