"What am I supposed to do today?"

Sounds like she is able and she is "doing something". Do not waste time explaining dementia. She is where she likes to be at the present. You are the one that needs some couseling. This job is taking its tole. You may speed up the decision to get into a facility. When I say you need help....do you have a mindset of a caregiver or is it what has to be done...like a responsability. It might be "just a job". A "caregiver mindset" ....get some couseling and see if it is down there inside of you. Sounds like she is "compliant". If you have plans you and your husband have thought about....get serious and be honest with what is going on is not good for your mental health. Do not try to get your husband to help you...he has his own routine and it will not change. Guys are like that. You are not ready to retire. If you both desire her to live with you.....or....it wont be long till she needs to be placed. Get her house in your name as you have 5 years before it does not be a asset to qualify for a nursing or ....home. Check with medicade about her selling her house and using the money to get a larger place so you can be the caregiver. Your house is falling apart? That is your husbands job. You will continue to fall apart. I think your job is full time and take most all your energy. If you are getting what you need out of the job you will be happy to continue it. I do not think she will be happy to have someone come and do what you do. That person will never take your place and she may not adjust. Talk and plan with your husband.

Omg yes! Sounded like my mother ! I called her long term care insurance and stated that I was “concerned for her Saftey “ she lives alone and when I went to visit her the gas was on and a pot was on the stove with nothing in it burning . That with her two dementia meds she was on and a virtual interview where they asked several questions she could not answer she was granted 24/7 aid. For her safety!! Can’t stress it any clearer! Now that aid is there I don’t get as many phone calls but she still calls a lot. I know one day she will forget how to use the phone so the calls don’t bother me as much. PS if the calls bother you then you don’t want her living with you.. there is no escape I tried that too.

A few facilities (independent living/assisted care) will allow a temporary visit, of a few days, for prospective residents to evaluate their facility. If you could find such a place, you might arrange a visit for both you and her and see what her response is. "Safe" (there are security guards") and help even at midnight if she needs it, she will have meals prepared for her, "housekeepers" to keep things clean. She might agree to stay (this is a long shot, I know, because she wants to be in her own home.) Assisted or memory care sounds like what she really needs.

Otherwise, since your husband sounds as if he is having to manage so many things, your idea of getting into a house for the three of you might be good, if he agrees. And if you haven't "activated" the POA, it sounds like now is definitely the time! But Mom is going to have adjustment problems to any changes she has to make.

Read through some of the early responses and some of the latest but may have missed this in-between so apologies if that’s the case.
While there can be some differences state to state, in general a POA is in effect as soon as it’s signed because it gives you the ability to act legally at your mother’s direction. So she needs help getting bill payment set up on-line, paying bills or that it’s time to sell her house, you can take care of all of that, sign for all of that on her behalf, which is why you want someone you can trust to have POA. DPOA or springing POA is the type that goes into effect under specified requirements when she is no longer able to make decisions for herself, some states have one document that is both others do not. There are also separate legal authorities for medical decisions but under the circumstances it sounds like that may be included in the POA document created for you and your mom. My guess is you have all of those legal authorities spelled out in the POA document so reviewing that may clarify your fears about when and how to “activate” what. If not consult the attorney that drew it up.

If she has been seeing her PCP for a long time and especially if that person has a geriatric practice her reluctance to discuss a dementia diagnosis or test probably doesn’t matter, she may have that diagnosis or some form of it in her records anyway. Some people cover every little complaint and others don’t want to complain, usually a pattern throughout life so it may not be such a copious thing but rather moms instinct to rise to the occasion and pull it together with others. A good provider is accustomed to this. Their reluctance to push a diagnosis may very well simply be an effort to keep mom happy and trusting them, no real point in forcing her to hear a diagnosis she is resisting and may not remember anyway unless the time has come and you need that to put the durable or springing part of a DPOA or they don’t know if all your paperwork is in order and are giving you time and room to make that happen before having to go through the courts because they have made a diagnosis and you don’t have the authority to take over decisions for her rather than just carry out hers.

It sure sounds like it’s time to make sure all of your legalities are in order and talk to her doctors with that authority about what’s happening and what the options are. You are very fortunate that she is set up so you both have such options and while it may take some time over several conversations it’s probably time to talk to her in her more lucid times about why she prepared the way she did, what does she picture the next step looking like “when the time comes”. Give her some ownership of the decision making, it doesn’t mean that will be the best thing in the end but getting her to talk about it and knowing what her ideal is will at the very least help you feel good about your decisions, “yes I can make that happen for now or no but I can come close” because ultimately her safety and your piece of mind and health come first. I have to agree that it sounds as though she is past the point where moving you all in together makes sense, it will likely mean an additional big move sooner rather than later when you can no longer be her full time hands on caregiver. Since she has LTHC policy that might be the thing to explore first but weigh it with some sort of IL/AL situation where she has her own place perhaps on a campus that also offers MC and NH care should she need it. I would urge you again to consult her medical professionals as well as elder care professionals to help you come up with the ideal path and then B, C and even D plan options while including her in that as best you can. After all she did some of the important planning, how to pay for options, ahead of time so this isn’t unchartered territory for her, even if it was actually her husband who did the financial planning. We find laughter helps a lot too with Mom, lucky 2 have U.

If you have POA and she is making financially hazardous decisions that she doesn't understand, you should take her credit cards and checkbook immediately. Make sure she has some cash on hand if she goes out and might need it.

Also, you don't say if she is driving. I hope not! If so, you need to address this with an appropriate evaluation by OT certified to determined if she can still drive safely. Fortunately, we have Lyft and Uber to allow her to move around without needing to drive. You can always manage that for her remotely.

Make arrangements for her to spend part of her days in a senior program if there is one available nearby. COVID-19 shut many programs down, but some are opening with limited enrollment. This is really a huge problem - most seniors are isolated and bored. If they have lost executive functioning they cannot plan, learn, make timely or appropriate decisions, but may have normal speech and motor skills thus appearing OK for short periods of time.

Does Mom have any hobbies? Can you hire someone to come in for a few hours each day to work with her? Does she have neighbors that she is friendly with?

It is easier to ask forgiveness than get permission from someone who is cognitively limited. Explain that she asked you to do all of this so that she doesn't have to keep track of every little thing. Then, as recommended, meet with an elder attorney and start planning for her LTC. It will be easier to move her now to a facility that can accommodate increasing needs. She will have time to make friends, get involved in activities, and will feel taken care of. That leaves you freer to take care of your own family, which will also be a priority of any loving parent.

Imho, attempt to inform her of the hours that you will be available to take her calls. Your mother may require more help, but do not move her in with you.

I haven't read through the answers yet, but DON'T move her in with you. My mom is 88 YO, I'm 59, and my husband is 62. My mom lives in Senior Independent Apartments, but moved in with us from March thru June at the beginning of the pandemic. (The facility had closed the dining room for an abundance of caution.). When they reopened the dining room and beauty shop she moved back home. All was ... OK ... until they had a couple of cases in the facility. She wanted to come back here. (The cases rose to 8, and have now dropped down to three. No hospitalizations, no deaths.) So she's been here 4 weeks this time. My fingernails are chewed off, my husband and I have both gained weight, and we are feeling depressed and stressed. I LOVE my mom, and so does my husband. For my happiness, his happiness, and my sanity, I need to move her back to her place. A home health aide can visit once or twice a day to remind her to take medications. The facility where my mom lives has a dining room (and will deliver food to her apartment), a nurse navigator, etc. You have to save yourself and your marriage. Just my two cents.

To add to what someone said, you don't need to have her HIPAA authorization to talk TO the doctor. The doctor will not be able to say anything back to you about your mom but you can sure describe what you are witnessing. We had the same issue with my mom until we finally got her into assisted living. She passed shortly before it was becoming clear that she would have to move into memory care at the same facility, but I'm glad we got her to a facility that had independent, assisted, and memory care available. There was always someone there if she was feeling anxious or confused, and we were able to cut back on her constant calls to like you describe to us 3 kids and to others she trusted in her life (mom would literally call people at 3 a.m. to tell us she was too hot or too cold).

The best thing you can do for her and your marriage is to convince her to go to a nearby facility where you can still see her as often as you want (I know, difficult with COVID) but where you won't have to constantly worry that she has forgotten to do something like eat or turn off the stove (we had both).

Best of luck and hugs!

Hi Are you your mums next of kin. The things your mother does and asks you i do believe it possible she has Dementia. God rest my mum she had Dementia. Eventually my mum had to move in a home as needed 24/7 care. She died 8 weeks later at 89 .
I think you should talk to a doctor. It may be possible to get her tested at home not sure.
To become her P.OA. do you not have to prove she can't manage herself. The crazy bills you had to pay can you not find out how they came about? Is it scammers or would she know how to do these things herself. I really do believe you should seek both legal advice and a doctors. Best wishes as you get things sorted. For yourself too you can't go on the way you are. I hope i have been of some help 🙏💗

Love her & guide her to make a change in her life. If you are on your mom's HIPPA form, call her doctor & tell him that your mom can't function W/O calling you multiple times a day to find out what she needs to do. Let him know that she can't cook, bathe, keep house clean, etc. There are other tests that doctors can do in the office that will show cognitive decline. Your mom demonstrates the need for more help, but until she can see it for herself or hear it from others she won't be open to change. Document how often she calls & why so that you can speak of it during her doctor's visit. Tell your mom that you can only emergency calls at work, let hers go to voicemail & check them during a break (not to the point of neglect). While waiting for the doctor's app't. don't go to her house everyday. Let her know that you need to go home & take care of your household. Check in to make sure that she's eaten & taken her meds before bedtime. Would meals on Wheels help? Keep doing the finances & making sure that she's safe. Hopefully when you'll go to the doctor, she might realize that she does need help. Even if she denies it the doctor should have enough info from you, the test & interviewing her to advise her that she need to accept a change in her living situation in order to keep herself safe. If she's still driving it would be the best time to for the doctor to take her license away. At this point & with her resources, there are multiple choices that can be made W/O moving her in with you: attending Adult Day Care, hiring someone for a few hours in the morning & evening to help her with ADL'S, meals, & meds, get live-in help, or go to a Memory Care Unit. Of course these must be done with COVID restrictions. Moving her in with you is not the answer as your situation would only worsen with her constantly being under foot & not being able to live your life & keep your house clean.

My mom was the same. The way I managed her concern and anger at the change was that I followed the doctors orders. Her geriatrician told me to let her 'decide' what happens and to then walk in her wake. So I just kept telling my mom that this is what the doctor has told us needs to happen and therefore this is what we have to do. My mum has now been in a supported care place for several years and it was the best thing for her. I know she is cared for when I am not around and I can in part return to just visiting for the sake of visiting. She attends different groups that are stimulating and she interacts with the other residents, although this is now less due to her dementia deteriorating. It was the right and safe thing for her, even if she couldn't see or understand it.

Getting everyone under one roof is a great idea if the plan is for her to live with you until such time you cannot manage the care. It sounds like she has the means to pay for assisted living where she would be around other people her age and have planned activities to keep her busy. Since she gets confused about whether she is in her own home or safe - maybe use that to open discussion. You would be safer in this place - and take her and show her some places. Her house could sit empty or be rented to supplement her income and pay for the place. Have a few places that you've looked at and the next time she mentions safety, agree with her and show her what you found.

You might check with the deed restrictions on her house if that's a bigger place for you to live. It may be you can't rent rooms making it a multifamily residence. Moving in, as a family member, to provide her care may be something totally different if you'd rather do that.

You must begin on your own. Stop asking mom what she wants. Stop asking mom for permission. She sounds confused enough that you can start making changes that make sense to you, and she won't really be aware of it. Don't try to explain it to her, just do what needs to be done. If it's too overwhelming to plan the next 10-15 years, start smaller with decisions on the short term. From what you've described, it sounds like she's unsafe alone for any period of time. So that might be the obvious place to begin--get someone to come in during the day. Tell her it's the housekeeper. Tell the housekeeper has always been here! If she doesn't recognize she's in her own home, she's pretty far gone and it's going to be impossible for her to really resist the decisions you make. If you have a durable POA, it took effect the moment she signed it. You don't need anyone to "activate" it.

I agree with many of the answers already posted here regarding assisted living or having someone spend time with and check on your mom. You might also create a couple pages with checklists your mom can look at each day giving her short/sweet instructions for starting and planning her day. Laminate it and she can check things off with a dry erase marker, then wipe off the next day before using. You can have her look at it and you can read thru it with her over the phone. Do it several days in a row & she may refer to it by herself, if not, you suggest it and she can read along. Create different pages for different activities. The financial piece is something you should exclusively handle. Check with an eldercare lawyer and get some recommendations! Best of luck to you; this is tough!

They CANNOT make decisions, I don’t even give my H a choice for lunch anymore. DO NOT commingle money, this could be disastrous if she ever needs Medicaid. These can live 20 years with the disease, and can easily out live their money.
if she is lonely and scared at home put her in AL. We did this with my dad and he surprised us by loving it. He even got a lil better b/c of socialization. Now he he has a girlfriend and is very happy.

Contact an Elder attorney and even though this sounds harsh....do not move her in with you, it will be the same thing, she will call you every day, she will refuse extra help and do not combine your assets.  IF she has money, after contacting elder attorney, find some one to come in every day to check on your mom, administer meds if necessary and maybe even find an assisted living place where people will be around to check on her and she will have others around her age to keep her company or get involved in stuff there.  Adding her to your home, even though you love her, will only make things worse for you........plus it will be more confusing for her because now its a new place (especially IF she is having issues with some place that she has lived for 18 years).  I would contact office of aging and find out resources for help.  I wish you luck.

She is asking for help, she is confused, she has you doing most everything for her. NOW is the time for you to get her into an assistive living home. You need to show her how it would be perfect for her. And it would be easing things up on you.

My widowed sister moved to assisted living a few years ago and loves it. So many things she and the family no longer need to be concerned about. She is safe, activities, no longer has house upkeep, one meal a day with more if wanted, shopping bus, etc. Believe me, it will be a gift to both of you. Seeing she is interested in dating services, she might find someone in the assisted living.

It sounds to me like your mother needs assistance. She may decline over time. Can you hire an aide who can take her places, help her get dressed, etc. and will also help you out. Adult day care may also be available in your area, which can pick her up and take her to a place where there will be activities. If she will accept it, talk to her about moving to an assisted living facility. My mother lives in an excellent continuous care facility where they have independent living, assisted living, memory care and skilled nursing units. Social workers advise if the resident needs to move to a unit with more care (such as memory care). My mother started in independent living and is now in memory care. It has taken a huge burden off of me. You mentioned having her live with you. If you do that, plan on having an aide to help.

Dear Rita,
I am an independant Elder care companion. You can find people like me on sites.
Agencies are horrible. !!!!!!!
I have been a companion for several wonderful people for over 6 years. I visit, games, crafts, make meals, go off on adventures with them, help with light chores and doctor appointments etc. I recently started paying bills etc. (At Family's request)
If your Mom is hesitant, as they can often be. When you find the RIGHT person introduce her as a friend of yours. Little fibs are sometimes needed.😊
Start slow, twice a week for a few hours until your Mom starts to look forward to her visits.
Always interview people off property. Check background!!!!!
Hopen this helps
Bobie D

Your mother can not operate alone any more and I suspect you have known this for awhile. Since she is confused and needs prompting throughout her day, she needs others to help her throughout the day. If she has the finances, your best option may be to hire home health care aides. They can make sure she gets her meals, prompt her to take her medications, and make sure her home is clean and safe. The goals for your mom should be to make sure she is safe and healthy.

You might start by having her seen at a memory care clinic and get a full neuropsych evaluation. She may still be in good enough mental condition to "beat the testing' but it will give a good assessment of her baseline at least. To start the long term care insurance, she would need to be faltering on several ADL's and the testing would help confirm that. You tell her it is to see if there are any recommendations that might help her. We did this with my mother who was found not to be competent of making her own decisions. For my inlaws, my mother in law was clearly in the throes of ALZ dementia. My father in law however, was found to have cognitive impairment and we were urged to supervise him but he was not determined not to be competent until he had declined further. He had mostly been agreeing with us on most things which was good because the POA did not go into effect until he was no longer capable. Your mother is not living independently. You are facilitating everything. When she says why does she need to make changes, since things are fine, see if she can tell you how does she think she would manage if you did not take care of all you have been handles. How does she envision things moving forward in the further? Maybe that starts her thinking more practically.

I know it seems like if she could move in with you and your husband it would be much easier and it would be for a while because currently you are spread so thin. But as she declines, it will get much worse. In home care for an nurses aide costs $10,000 a month for 24 hours. A live in would be cheaper but still costly. A nice assisted living facility with option for memory care would cost about that much and would provide all her needs, with in house doctors, activities etc. Covid will not be around forever. This would also give you your life back so you and your husband can plan your own lives while making sure she is cared for.

It truly sounds like your mom should not be living alone.
A move to Assisted Living or if necessary memory Care might be the safest option for her.
It sounds like she is past the point of getting to make decisions so she will have to deal with long term changes.
A move to a new house would be a long term change just as a move to Assisted Living or Memory Care would be a long term change, she will not be happy with any of it.
Has she been diagnosed with Dementia of any type? Has she seen a doctor? Might be time to make a yearly appointment and also request a neurologist evaluation as well.
If you want to keep her in/at home this might be a long haul for you and your husband. Are you both willing to care for her as she declines over what might be another 5 or 10 years?
Before you make any decisions to buy a larger house you might want to discuss the future with an Elder Care Attorney and see what the best options might be.

Looking for a suitable hose might not be easy to find. You would want one that is accessible. Wide halls, wide doors, large enough bathroom to get equipment in (Hoyer Lift or at least a wheelchair) as well as at least 3 people. (possible need for 2 people to help with showering) and a roll in or zero threshold shower, no stairs or at least ramps in place, no carpeting. These are just a few things.

I recently went through a very similar situation. In my case, I had moved several States away. While her sisters live there, my brother also lives near me. After I moved, it became apparent she really needed to move into some place where she did not have to cook her own meals or take care of home maintenance. In her more lucid moments, she said she wanted to move out, and asked me to do it for her. In other moments she called me bossy, and said she wanted to stay in her home. I took advantage of the lucid moments and had her go sign the papers to move in to independent living. I hired a senior advisor to help with the move. She kept "forgetting" that she was going to move. On the day of the move, I drove her around, before the movers got there, and my husband worked with them. Boy, did my mom get mad at me when she figured out what was going on. I had told her every day for a week they were coming, but every time I told her, it was like the first time she ever heard it. She couldn't remember that, but she can remember that I "tricked" her. I believe I did the right thing. She was losing a lot of weight because she wasn't eating. Also, with Covid, I feel she is actually in a safer place even though they have restrictions that make it less "fun" to live there. I am actually contemplating moving her to Florida to another independent living place. I was going to wait until COVID cleared up, but it's not clearing up. And lately she keeps losing her cell phone and disconnecting her internet phone. So, I"m frustrated that I can't call her and keep tabs with her, and I have to call the facility and ask them to find out whats going with her and her phone. Her sister also lives at the same place, and I fear taking her out of there would be too hard for both of them. So I'm in a quandry too, but I do think IL is good. I don't think sharing a home would work, having a seperate living space, for us, is essential, and thank God for the IL option.







I would suggest having her move into independent living with the option to move to memory care later if needed.

It sounds like it is unsafe for her to live by herself and one day she will wander and get lost, or hit by a car. Trust me it can happen and very suddenly. She needs around-the-clock supervision of some type.

I would recommend hiring a geriatric case manager to help guide you through the steps. It will save you so much time. Your mom should pay since it is all about her.
My sis and I hired one after being referred to one by our county’s area of agency. What a Godsend she was. She helped us relocate my parents to a wonderful place that she was familiar with. My sis and I struggled through so many visits to facilities to find the right fit but ended with a board and care home where our parents received the best care. I would highly recommend it to people with dementia because it’s only 6 people. The good ones have two caregivers so there’s more help. They loved our parents like their own.

Wow! First, get a real diagnosis as AlvaDeer suggested. You cannot move forward until then. From your post, it sounds like your mom should not be living alone. It all comes down to her safety. You and your husband are juggling a lot. The demands will just become more heavy as time goes on until you get a plan of care for your mother.

I just placed my mom in residential assisted living care home one week ago. Like your mom I got the same questions everyday. It’s like their minds grasp on something, they angst over it and then they’re on to something else totally forgetting about the prior request. Meanwhile we’re still trying to accommodate their first request. My mom is ten years older than your mom and I am ten years older than you. Please do yourself and your husband a favor and look into assisted living. I have seen a huge difference for the better in just one week. While I’m still in the chaos of cleaning out the house, I know mom is taken care of and is getting her meals, meds and sleep at appropriate times, while having the advantage of co-mingling with residents. Good luck with your mom.

I support what has already been suggested to you. I need to point out that you and your husband seem to have a very high tolerance for chaos, based on you even considering moving her in with you and your husband, when both of your plates are already slopping over. Please step back and take a realistic assessment. Even IF you were able to purchase a home with combined monies (which I would not myself recommend or do) her care will only get more intense. Then, if you needed additional in-home care for her while you were both working, caring for 2 other homes and animals, or decided to transition her to a facility, where would THAT money come from? Not your own bank accounts, I hope. It would be tied up in the house (unless your mom has more resources than mentioned).

It would be a wise investment to spend 2 hours talking about possibilities with an elder law attorney who did estate and Medicaid planning. Laws in each state differ so please don't make any financial moves until you get professional advice from someone who will learn of your and your mom's entire financial landscapes.

My MIL lived 6 miles from us and we were checking in on her daily, although not always in person. We discovered that she was not remembering to eat or take her meds, even when we were prompting her by phone. She'd hang up and immediately forget. We transitioned her into AL and soon after that she needed LTC. There is no point in exhausting yourselves trying to keep her out of a facility if it results in your own burnout. Please read (on this forum) some of the thousands of posts by well-intentioned adult children trying avoid the very difficult decision to place their parent somewhere they don't want to go but badly need to be for everyone's sake. You will get excellent insights and advice here...I hope you listen to it. I wish you all the best and much wisdom and peace as you work through it all.

What kind of POA do you have? Do you have a finacial durable POA and/or a durable healthcare POA? I hope you have the documents. If so, read them. The financial DPOA probably went into effect the day it was signed. Which means you could have been making transactions and financial decsions for her from that date as long as they were in her best interests not yours. Before doing anything on her behalf, you must present a copy of the POA to anyone, bank, hospital or business that she has done business with. Keep all reciepts for those transactions. If you have healthcare DPOA also, it will define your responsibilities and when you can carry them out (e.g, does your LO need to be judged incompetent?). When you're done reading them both, make an appt with the atty who drew them up. I'm sure you'll have questions.

Do not co-mingle your assets! This could be a death knell for future care decisions. Bring this up with your atty.

Finally, make an appt with her PCP. There is some cognitive decline going on.

It sounds like maybe she shouldn’t be living alone anymore. Have you considered getting a white board or chalk board & writing down all her activities of daily living? Of course she would have to remember to look at the board every morning. If she is calling through out the day, you’ve got to learn to ignore some of the calls. If you are worried about an emergency you could get a nanny cam or something. Don’t know if it’s in the cards or if you can force her to go with just a POA but she sounds like a good candidate for assisted living.