Hi
My mom is 65 years old but acts like she’s too old and can’t do anything on her own. She stopped driving in her late 50s because she was having tachycardia in her heart. Basically her heart would beat at a faster speed than normal. She has been getting medication, she did surgery and has been doing better, but she’s still afraid because she also has anxiety.
I understand her driving situation but now my dad and I do all the driving for her and it annoys me sometimes because there are things she can do herself but she plays the victim that she’s 65 and she’s sick. I don’t live with my parents but I live down the street from them. Yesterday, my mom wanted me to pick up some food for her. She thinks that because I have a car, I’m supposed to help her out whenever she needs something and the restaurant where she ordered was walking distance, like 10 minutes away from her house. She sent me a text saying: “are you going out today?” And that’s when she asked me if I could go because she says Uber is expensive and she doesn’t want to walk in the heat. It’s not even too hot. It’s a little windy and it’s December, not summer. So I went and got her food. I know it shouldn’t be a big deal since I have a car and it’s near but I think she didn’t want to get out of her comfort zone. She could’ve had gone herself but she’s already used to everyone helping her.
Also, my mom has a habit of buying things for me, which I hate because sometimes they are unsolicited things. Then she wants me to go get whatever she bought to her house instead of coming herself to my house to give me whatever she bought me. Again, I live down the street but she refuses to even walk. Or she’ll send my dad to my house which she has done plenty of times. She acts like she can’t lift a finger.
Am I going to do her favors for the rest of my life? She’s still capable of doing things at her age but acts like she’s 80. I don’t mind helping but I’m tired of being the good daughter who never says “no” to her mom’s needs.
Also, her cardiologist told her she needs to exercise more but yesterday she sent me to get her food instead of doing a 10 minute walk. Since she plays the victim, I don’t know how to make her understand that me and my dad are tired of doing everything for her.
BOUNDARIES.
IF you are going out give mom a call and say, "I am going to the store do you need anything?" (Or if you wish ask her if she wants to go)
If you are not going out and she calls or texts tell her "I have no plans to go out today" and stick to that.
You can "give" her 1 day a week if you want. Tell her "Mom, we can do all your errands on Thursday so make a list of everything that you need done and we can get it done then"
If mom wants something that can not wait then tell her that getting to the store is up to her. Walk, cab, Uber... OR she can have items delivered.
Your dad can follow the same setting boundaries.
Print them out, carry them in your pocket, and re read every half hour or so.
When your Mom phones, pause, and read them again.
Before you get out of bed in the morning, yeah, read them.
I sat boundries and didn't know it at the time. But, my Mom was not demanding. I was still working at the time she lost her license. So we set up a day to shop and run errands. Have some lunch. I lived around a BIG block from Mom. Took about 5 min to get to her house. So if she needed anything in between, I would pick it up when I could. This was mainly prescriptions.
BOUNDRIES is the word. When she texts "are u going out" say "No". You need a talk with Dad telling her dependency is getting too much and your backing off. She can do things for herself and by you doing them, you are disabling her. If she wants to place an food order, have them deliver it. And giving you things u don't want? Tell her you would appreciate if she would stop spending money on things u don't need. Or at least ask before ordering.
If you are on the couch, all snuggled in a blanket reading a good book or watching the TV and what Mom wants is not an emergency, say no.
Yes, it's a pain, but a bit of positive reinforcement might show her that she can indeed do it. Beyond that, you needn't be available at all times to be at her beck and call. If she calls and asks tell her sorry, you've got plans/aren't going out/don't have the time right now. You don't owe her any elaborate explanations, and you need to stop enabling her.
I know it would be selfish of me not to help her since she’s older but I don’t want to be taken advantage of. I have my own life and problems too. I feel bad for my dad who has to deal with her too all the time and that’s why I try to be available but it’s starting to become a burden at times
65 is NOT old. And yes, she should be walking. And taking care of herself!
IF you do want to help her, make it one morning a week and stick to it. IF she keeps buying you junk you don't want or need, tell her.
Since your dad is still in the picture, this is HIS problem, although he'd probably sick to death of caring for someone who really is not 'sick'.
This post kinda hit to close to home. I HATE the manipulative behavior that mom exhibits, and always has.
Sometimes we have to train people how to treat us. It's an ongoing process through our whole lives.
I can say with certainty that my kids all love me---but do NOT 'do' anything for me. Someday they may be needed, I hope not, but I expect that if they are, I can be gracious in recieving.
Having a heart problem is scary, but not making the effort to strengthen one's heart with doctor guidance is counterproductive; worrying about the heart will give one anxiety...it becomes a vicious cycle, the brain/body connection, etc. If mom won't get out to exercise, can she have a simple treadmill or exercise bike at home? Even exercise bands can give a decent workout; or the little pedal machines that sit on the floor for legs or can be used on a table for the arms, to get up the heart rate, exercise the heart muscle easily. Surely her doc or rehab person has suggested these ideas; and an in-home PT could show and do these exercises with her. You could turn your check-in visits into 'girl time' exercise sessions and that's all, no runs for food that she could easily get herself, etc., because you've got an 'appointment', right? (appointment with a good book, to take a bubble bath, to go see a movie, etc....those are appointments with Your Life.)
Basically, you must develop 'tough love': tell mom you love her AND can help her in emergencies but not in everyday activities; when she asks 'are you going out today' say No, and try that little technique some comedians do where under your breath, to yourself, you say, "not for you" (may sound deceitful but is the equivalent of the 'therapeutic lie/fib' used for folks with dementia, etc. Have a little fun with it, bring some humor to the situation, for you.)
My mom thought when she got older she'd 'finally' get 'respect' and be treated like a queen; she found out the 'golden years' aren't that golden especially if one does nothing to make their life work for them. Yes, this is an aspect of Narcisssism, that the world must revolve around them.
Don't let yourself be run ragged by your 'needy' mom; set boundaries, with love for both of you, for all concerned.