What can I say or do to have primary caregiver see that she is experiencing burnout?
My mother (49) is the primary caregiver of my grandmother (74). Mom works full-time as a school teacher as well as has a husband and a house to care for on top of caring for grandma. Grandma lives in her own home in the same city as Mom. Grandma has had several strokes in the past year that have diminished her mobility and cognition. Grandma can walk with a walker, but must be supervised as she may fall. Grandma has no use of her left hand. Grandma cannot bathe, clothe, make meals, or remember to take medicine on her own. Mom has a caretaker that comes when mom is at work. Mom is burning out as it is all too much with little support outside of what I and my younger brother are able to give outside of our own responsibilities. When I bring up hiring another caretaker for Grandma, Mom refuses. Mom says that it's too much to make sure caretaker shows up, is paid on time, and she rather do it herself. It's obvious Mom is burning out. In refusing additional help, I'm not sure what else I can say or do. So I turn to you, my fellow caregivers. Is there anything more?
Thank you to everyone on this forum! When Grandma had several strokes in November 2019, and Grandpa passed away due to COVID in April 2020, reading everyone's worries, frustrations, and collaborating on ideas has made me feel not alone in all of this. I've learned so much from all of you, THANK YOU!
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Mom was able to sustain, in my opinion, the impossible for a while longer. When Mom had time during the holiday vacation, she pursued a caretaker for the weekend. Since the New Year, the Weekend Caretaker is performing well and Mom appears less stressed.
I was listening to others but it took me being sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Lessons learned for me as to how to better manage my relationships and dynamics with Mom and Grandma--let it be.
I can well understand that your mom resists outside help. It’s hard to get good consistent reliable help. I know as I’m caregiver to both my parents. The best gift my siblings can give me is to make meals once in awhile for my parents. After all they are their parents too. I cook, clean, look after meds etc. When I finally took a break I came home to having to clean. Sibling in charge then just didn’t see the work.
In my experience, my mom cared for my grandmother exclusively for 7 years with very little outside help from family. She left her job and "Gram paid mom" out of her family trust at minimum wage and for part time hours. I tried to explain to my mom that caregiving needed to be balanced self care: time off to be with friends without Gram, time for her own hobbies... Mom said she did her own hobbies at home and saw friends once a month. It took my mom 2 years after my grandmother passed for my mom to get her own life together: having to sell her home because she didn't have the finances to keep it, selling most of her belongings to downsize to a small condo, and buying most of her stuff now at thrift stores and discount places.
So rather than them working only when mom is teaching have them stay an hour or two longer.
Also make sure that the caregivers are doing what they should be doing and suggest to mom that she add another task to their schedule.
Clean bathroom, do laundry.
with the extra hour or tow that they are going to work maybe one day they can do shopping. Mom can order on line and they can go pick up the order. (that way caregivers are not going to be having to pay for the items)
One of the "problems" might be your mom's mind set. A lot of caregivers think "no one can take care of XXX the way I do". They won't do the laundry the way I want it done, they won't make dinner the way I do it. They won't do whatever..the way I do it. And no they won't, no one will do it the exact way you do things but if the job gets done it is one less thing you have to do. But it is giving up some bit of control. And it is change. As humans we WANT / NEED to be in control and we HATE change.
next time you see your mom just give her a big hug!
I would say sit her down, say that you and bro are doing what you can, and wish it was more, but realize your own limitations for your own lives. Tell her you are worried about her. Tell her that her being so capable can be her own worst enemy. You know now that strokes can happen in your family and can happen early. Encourage your Mom to talk with you; ask her what is the worst thing for her now. Ask her if she recognizes that Mom cannot remain alone forever and that the need for placement WILL come; that it were best Mom is still alive then to be Grandma's support in loving visits and managing what she can for her. This is the first year.
Try not to be what you see Mom attempting, a "Ms. Fix it". This can't be fixed. This has no good answer. Mom will start to use the "guilt" word when she understands she cannot go on. You need to let her know she is not an evil felon but a daughter with limitations, and with great grief that she is not a Saint. Grief understands not everything can be fixed. Guilt assumes there is an answer. And really, there IS no good answer.
Just try to help Mom understand human limitations; tell her that he ability to do so much for so many and do it RIGHT is leading herself and others to think her abilities are limitless and can go on forever.
This is all full of grief. It is WORTH MOURNING. Your Mom will have times she needs to just break down and weep. Give her little surprises. A Casserole, a take out dinner, a bottle of WINE (but not too many), a book on tape, flowers and most of all a note saying she is like the best thing ever, but you are scared for her. Just as you told US.
So sorry. What a good daughter you are. I have a couple, as well. Pat yourself on the back for your loving heart, and understand, just as Mom can't fix this all, either can you.