Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Say no.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

For the benefit of anyone still in this situation: I would say to the sibling: "Dad / Mum needs 24-7 care, so we need to hire at least two full time carers, or four part-timers. Both of us can share the remaining 8 hours if we each do a 4-hour shift after work". Send it to by email so you can say it calmly - and avoid his mind-games (guilt-tripping, angry posturing, etc).
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Enuf of dumping on daughters: do not buckle under ever!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

What would I do? Laugh loudly and say "nice idea. Not happening."

How did your father respond to your brother's "thinking aloud"? - or, rather, to his not thinking at all.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Dosmo13 Sep 2021
Countrymouse--My dad said nothing (he was so deaf, it might not have quite registered). But his pride would probably have prevented him from suggesting such a thing for himself.
(0)
Report
*Updated* I just read this was in the past. That you handed it well & are doing well now. I am pleased.

In case a friend gets volunteered then, here's what I would add..

Depending on your style...

Say a polite "No". (No more. No less).

"I couldn't possibly do that". (Oh thank you X a million Barb for that golden gem)

You read the RIOT ACT to your Brother!! Use a FOGHORN if you think he's not listening.

Add that because you are 1. Single 2. Female 3. A Nurse does NOT make you obligated to be a family caregiver. It is up to YOU if you wish to be. It also does NOT EVER give HIM the right to roster you.

This is not just a sexist thing. (My SIL has tried rostering my DH too). Sometimes people mean well & fumble through a half-baked idea... but sometimes they are bossy controllers.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I have found as I have aged that it gets easier not to allow myself to feel guilty. God love him, your Dad understood he was better where he was. And why was it u who needed to do the caring. Brother also could have given up his life too. We have to get away from the idea that Women are the nurturers. I have seen some men do a better job than I could have.
Its time to let things go. You handled it very well.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Dosmo13 Sep 2021
Thank you, JoAnn, for understanding that my dad, unhappy as he was, never asked me to care for him. He was a loving, unselfish father. It was my brother's expectation, not his, that I should take on that responsibility.

The nursing home was a good facility and his care was generally quite good. I just prayed he would understand that I could not, even as an RN, make it flawless. (And I had to remind myself that even in my own home his care would not have been perfect!)
Thanks for saying I handled it well. I wish I could have done more for him. But you have helped me set aside those occasionally nagging guilt feelings.
(2)
Report
Thanks for your thoughtful answers. It is past. Both father and brother have passed on. But I have lingering doubts. The way it worked out was, I spoke to my father when he and I were alone. I had decided that if he really wanted to move in with me I'd try to make it work...somehow. I told him that. (I felt terrible for the situation he was in).
He knew he would have to pay. He knew I simply didn't have the money. I explained that I could quit my job but still not physically manage it by myself 24 hrs a day, that I would have to hire quite a bit more help and maybe rent some equipment. He knew that, too. (he was never for spending a lot of money). I told him I'd like to spend more time with him, and would give it a try if he wanted me to. He thought a moment and then said... no.
We never discussed it again. I suffered seeing him suffer the rest of his life.. and always felt I hadn't spent as much time with him as I should have.
I avoided my brother (never was on very good terms with him, anyhow). It was more or less the end of any relationship I might have had with him. I now imagine maybe he just wasn't thinking when he said what he said. But it still kinda hurt. I could have been more forgiving.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
97yroldmom Aug 2021
It sounds like you handled it very well. I think it is normal to wish things could have been different with those who have passed on. That we could have done or said more when we had the chance.
But usually when I follow that train of thought very long on the path of if I had done this or that, I run into reality and realize that we all make the best decisions we know to make at the time. I remember why it didn’t work out differently and once again I choose to let it go and try to turn my thoughts to happier times.
(10)
Report
See 1 more reply
Many of us here in this group have been as one member perfectly described, "Voluntold" they would become the caregiver to an elderly parent or relative. You were voluntold for three reasons:

1) You are a female. This on it's own makes you the first choice

2) You're a nurse.

3) You as caregiver would be free or next to. This is so father's money could be protected for inheritance at some point instead of going towards his care.


Your brother is a bully plain and simple. Probably also resentful because putting father in the nursing home costs money, and ever dollar paid out for his care is a dollar less for his inheritance at some point.
As for your brother's attitude, well the good Lord blessed us with two middle fingers. I strongly recommend you use them both to your brother.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Cover99 Aug 2021
Moot point since both have passed
(1)
Report
You put this question in the past tense. Is dad still alive and you're currently dealing with the situation of dad back in your home and you're taking care of him? Or has dad passed away and now you're dealing with the residual anger/guilt?

If it's the former, look into getting dad back into the nursing home; explore Medicaid options for him if he has outspent all his money. If he's still in the facility, fight the urge to bring him back home because you think you can make him happy.

If it's looking for a cure for the guilt: You have nothing for which to feel guilty. I want to draw your attention to your own words: "He could not walk, eat or even toilet unassisted." That is someone who needs more than at home, one-person care, even if he hadn't been very hard of hearing and nearly blind.

Shame on your brother for "volunteering" you. And, as hard as this might be to hear, shame on your dad for not being able to admit that his needs greatly outweighed your ability to care for him, alone, in your home. That is such an incredibly cruel, selfish, short-sighted thing to do to an adult child. Nobody wants to give up their independence and move from their home into a facility, but the expectation that your children should be willing to give up THEIR independence and THEIR financial security to take care of you is just incredibly self-absorbed.

You tried and it didn't work out, so you found a solution. Was it perfect? Of course not. But it was the best of the not-perfect choices you were faced with for everyone, *including* dad (he was safe and cared for). You didn't do anything wrong!

I hope you can learn to "forgive" yourself and find peace.

(((hugs)))
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Sounds like brother is a bit of a bully.

Take a deep breath and tell him you simply cannot handle this huge responsibility. You don't need to embellish or make it more clear than "I just can't do this". End of discussion.

I have an OS who is SO GOOD at this. The saying 'no' part. I need to take a page from her book for sure. She doesn't DO caregiving, except for new grands and I admire that. I've done way too much for a needy mom and I resent her and myself for falling into the pit of neverending need.

When we have 'needs' for mom we discuss it as sibs and come up with a solution (it works OK, not great, but it's better than being at odds with one or more sib)....and sometimes mom just doesn't GET what she wants.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Just say "Sorry no"

This must have been a discussion before he entered LTC. There is a reason he needs 24/7 care. My daughter is an RN who worked in rehabs/NHs and has told me she is not caring for me. She did it for 20 yrs for others.😁
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Try to avoid a murder attempt – this is not a good time to fall out with brother, or to end up in jail. Perhaps he didn’t say ‘why don’t you?’, perhaps it was more ‘how would you feel about?’ to try to find out more about father’s preferences – even to talk him out of bad choices. Or perhaps it was simply ‘a momentary lapse of reason’ to quote the song. Just firmly say that it’s not an option, that’s all you have to do!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Dosmo13 Aug 2021
Margaret--Brother didn't say anything to ME. We never discussed it. I was at my fathers bedside when he said to my father, "You don't have to stay here. You can move in with Anna (me). She can take care of you!" I was dumbfounded. Didn't know what to say. Didn't want to say "No, I can't", Didn't want to say "Don't think that will work" and have to discuss details right there with no time to think. Didn't want my dad to think I didn't WANT to. Just mumbled something about "maybe it isn't so easy..."
(4)
Report
See 1 more reply
This has already happened or is about to happen?
This has nothing to do with whether or not you love your dad. He needs care beyond one persons capability and you need an income.
If it’s happened, you need to get dad back to the nursery home.
Your brother has some nerve.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

What tothill said and then...

I would tell brother to never presume to speak on your behalf again. It is not remotely okay.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

You just say No and continue your life.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter