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Thx again everyone for your responses. Some very thoughtful things said. You are giving me great insight and I do appreciate the time and care you have put into your posts. 💗
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I came to this forum looking for answers and solutions for my husband's Alzheimers diagnosis, but I've learned so much more than that. I now understand that we will not have anyone to assist the sole survivor. We sought out attorneys (AFTER death financial settlement and Elder Law specialists) and was referred to a program that makes all arrangements "BEFORE Death." (Guardian Services) for POA (Power of Attorney, etc.) for people who do not have trusted people in their lives. I have three children who have demonstrated their lack of interest or loyalty to their parents (as one said, "I work, I don't have time for you in my life." - words that have been etched on my soul.)

We have ordered DNR bracelets and signed papers with the doctor. We have contracted with Neptune Society and will be discussing, "Death with Dignity Program" with our Elder Law Attorney.

We are putting the house on the market to downsize our living arrangements and will be contacting an auction house or consignment company for antiques and such. We are donating to local charities all the time as we thin out our belongings. Christmas brought about a revelation: we only put lights on the Christmas tree and that proved to show us how many memories are wrapped up in ornaments and that we can, indeed, give them all away.

Memories usually make me sad, but I hum my favorite song, "The Way We Were," by Streisand.

Memories
Light the corners of my mind
Misty watercolor memories
Of the way we were
Scattered pictures
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were
Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we?
Could we?
Memories
May be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply to choose to forget
So it's the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember
The way we were
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Beatty, I'm in!! I have the very same idea but I also want a good sized backyard and a jacuzzi. Pool is fine, take it or leave it but a jacuzzi is necessary for our aching bones!
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Gershun: My late mother had a booklet labeled "funeral" in her desk drawer. So perhaps it is a good idea to write things down in re yourself; who else knows atout you more than you?
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Edit: Who else knows *about* you than you?
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Yes Llama you are right. I guess sometimes I think the answers will come falling out of the sky and bam, I'll know what I need to do when really the knowledge is already in my own noggin somewhere.
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Llamalover47 Mar 2022
Gershun: That would be nice, right? 💜
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I expect to die before my DH2, who is 4 years younger than me, and also fitter. DH1 is dead. I would choose assisted dying (now legal here) rather than long drawn out mental issues and pain. If DH2 were to die first, I would shortly down size, probably to a retirement village complex, and certainly stop taking on the many ambitious DH2 projects that are driving me around the bend now.

I have 2 daughters, and I would hope that at least D1 would support DH2 or me in either event. However I would not want either of them to care for me, unless it was for a very short time (as for me and my mother).

I do worry a little about who would care for DH2 if I go first. I think D1 would, but D2 wouldn’t. If DH is still competent then, he will make his own decisions.

I am now having great problems with settling my will. DH2 gets all my substantial superannuation, and is joint owner of most property. D1 gets a separately owned property, but it’s hard to work out about unhelpful D2 daughter and her children. And also about charity bequests – I don’t fancy the cat’s home, and I don’t have a great deal of faith in most charities.

Any comments on this would be helpful, even if I don’t agree!
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Margaret, I've always thought the Red Cross was a good organization. They always are on the front lines during any crisis. For instance the tragedy that is playing out in the Ukraine.

They are a charity are they not? Or do they just need blood?

Forgive me for not knowing this already.🤔
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cwillie Mar 2022
I tend to choose the red cross for any kind of disaster relief donation because they are always out in front as a visible presence, but they haven't been in charge of the blood supply in Canada since the tainted blood scandal (HIV/AIDS).
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My husband and I are childless. A couple of years ago, we updated our will with an elder law attorney. We interviewed three attorneys before selecting the one with whom we worked. It took about a year (due to COVID etc.) to actually complete and sign the will.

We have arranged to turn our affairs over to a guardianship entity, should we become unable to care for ourselves or make good decisions (this is also referred to as a "trust company"). A good attorney can talk to you about your options, and clarify legal terms and instruments. While we hope there will be some money left over to leave to our nieces, our first responsibility is to care for ourselves as best we can.

An elder law attorney can help you sort out your options and draft a new will. I strongly urge you to do this since, unfortunately, family that refuses to be involved in one's declining years may often expect to receive something after one's death.
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We are in the same boat. Late 50s, no children. No trusted relatives… How do you find a trust company or other to take over your financials? I don’t want to pay an attorney $400 or more an hour to pay my bills. Also, what checks and balances would be in place? Lots of stories in the news about attorneys stealing client money. I am wary of all the things that could go awry. How do you find someone you can trust that you don’t know? A trust company would have checks and balances in place, but fees are high. Thinking a local/small accounting firm?
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Clairesmum Mar 2022
Geriatric care managers are good guides to the details of all the 'stuff' to think about, and resources for accomplishing tasks that you want to do right now. Someone with a BS or MS in social work or nursing and is certified as a geriatric care manager will have the most knowledge of what aging really is like...the expected clinical changes and risks.
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Do you mean literally…what will the end of my life be like? Well, for me, the future looks dismal. However, at the end is the sweet relief of death. I’m not religious, but I’m hoping to go to a “better place.” At least that’s a nice thought to keep in my head.

My husband has Alzheimer’s. We have no children. All of our relatives are gone already. We have no close friends. Since my husband already has a terminal diagnosis, he won’t be around for me (or if by chance he is around, he won’t know me or be able to assist anybody with anything). So I will be alone. As alone as alone can get.

I figure I will die inside my home and days/weeks later someone will find my body. Or perhaps I will die in a hospital or nursing home. There may be nurses around, so that’s actually the best case scenario for me.

If you mean how do you get your ducks in a row, then talk to an elder care attorney. Get you wills done. We don’t have much, but have specifically excluded a couple of very distance relatives who may come out of the woodwork. We have a trust company to help with seeing to our (my) bills when I’m not able to. Anything left ( house/everything in it will be sold) will go to charities we’ve named in our will. I am currently shopping for long term care insurance for myself to help with some costs, but I’m not even sure that is needed. I can be placed in a state run facility for all I care. I’ll be a old lady who is totally alone, and I’m sure by that time, I’ll be more than ready to go.
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Wow, I am really taken aback. I am currently struggling with many of the same issues and I had no idea so many others were too. My mom is 85 and widowed. She had surgery in November 21 and since then has severe panic attacks, frequent UTIs, yeast infections and severe burning. Her memory is worsening and is exacerbated by the panic attacks. I have taken her to 3 specialists and now a forth in April. I am exhausted, frustrated, and sad. I don’t know her anymore.

Of course I want her to be at peace and not suffering with all of this. However, I can’t help but think to myself, who will do this kind of support for me when I am old? I have an amazing husband but no children. No siblings. Etc. I guess it’s off to an elder care attorney (thank you for that) but there’s more to aging then legal stuff and guardianship…..
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I've often heard that married people live longer than singles but I expect that applies to anyone who doesn't live on their own. IMO it isn't some kind of special bond that influences longevity, it's just that there is someone there to bug you to go to the doctor when something seems off and to call for an ambulance when you couldn't have done that yourself. So make sure you live in a communal setting if you don't want to be someone whose body isn't found for weeks.
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Sendhelp Mar 2022
CWillie,
Those statistics are skewed because there are two people, and one of them will definitely live longer.

🤷‍♀️

My work is done here, Lol.
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I have thought so much about this lately. I am an only child, I am 61 caring for my soon to be 100 year old mother. I am married to a man 10 years older than me and I just have one adult son.

My main directive in life is not to put my child through the straight up hell I have had to go through caring for her and at times my husband. I have planned ahead for life changes to the degree that I can at this point, all my legal papers in order and I am purging crap out of this house like crazy. I have told him not to hesitate for one second to find a facllity for me if I become too frail or mentally incompetent. And to try, please try not to feel guilty about it.
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Cutlass101 Mar 2022
God bless you Siouxann for at least planning things out and trying to prepare for things. I feel the same way I’m currently trying to take care of both my parents and I’m 44 and alone no kids or girlfriend or wife and thinking to myself if I do have kids someday I will not put them through the hell ive had to deal with for last two years. My mom came home after her second stroke and didn’t get help cause she was afraid of covid which is understandable but then puts a burden on me to take care of needs and she never got the full rehabilitation for the first stroke all the way. If god forbid I get a stroke first or even into a second one I will not come home without help regardless of what virus will be around by then! I will not put my family through to much as I’ve already been through myself and still dealing with! The only planning I have right now is she gonna try rehabilitation at home and if it doesn’t work I’m thinking of getting a personal caretaker from the rehab agency if things don’t work out so all we can do is try to plan and pray for the best during these days of hard times and hang in there. Also my cousin who lived with us moved out and she went on to get two jobs no time to help take care of my mom so I’m kinda left holding the bag best I can! But I wished that things would of been different. Do what you can!
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To Gershun All you can do is try to plan for the best and hope not for the worst I’m currently alone single going through rocky time taking care of my parents but I do wonder as well what will be happening for my own health in next couple of years I’m only 44 but time is ticking by. I’d say if I’m going into declining health the last thing I want to do is burden my family so I would reach out for health programs to help me when I can no longer deal with things not avoid rehabilitation or assistance. You said your partner doesn’t support his parents real good that’s not right he needs to re think things or seek a personal caretaker to help him because the stress is real and overwhelming at times. So my advice is simple if you feel you need help you go for it when the time comes. As for your siblings they gotta learn the importance of trying take care of family instead of just cutting family off I know this well cause my cousin used to live with us but she got older and moved out due to various issues and got two jobs so she can’t help me with my situation my mom had two strokes and refused rehabilitation due to covid so I spent two years and maybe more to come trying to help her while my life is on hold covid or not! So my advice on the matter take care of yourself and don’t burden the family only if necessary rather virus or not getting well is nothing to play with. If I have kids cause I’m single and struggling with no job which I’d like to work from home I’d say I’m not gonna burden my family I’m do my best to get the help I need if I get very ill at a older age or not and that’s the thought process you should go down! Mind you I’m only 44 but hell it’s never late to start I hope this helps and hang in there! Lastly if my moms rehabilitation doesn’t work out plan b will be to get her a personal caretaker from an agency to take the stress of me period.
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