I'm on the mend after major surgery for cancer. As I do better, I am working on preparing for the future, getting things in order that need to be faced. I respect that my parents did just that and want to follow their lead, in that I truly want to think about my funeral arrangements, burial arrangements, living will, etc., and try and get things in place ahead of time. I don't know what's coming down the road, though am ok, able to work and care for myself for the time being.
I've approached both my husband (husband and I are estranged, living in the same home) and adult daughter and neither is ready to discuss this. Otherwise, I have an adult son but don't know that he would be open to discussing this; he pretty much keeps boundaries with immediate family and I'm pretty much the only person he communicates with regularly.
I can and will do the prep work myself, make arrangements, and get things in place.
My thoughts are that I just want somebody in my family to know what my plans are and to talk about it with them.
Suggestions will be much appreciated. Thank you.
I'm going to do an online search to find out more about memorial societies.
I would go ahead and write you wishes down, see an attorney and make sure all your paperwork is in order, they will also walk you through the considerations for directives, living will, etc and making a healthcare proxy, you can have joint or you can have a succession and the only thing you really might want to ask your daughter and husband about is if they are ok with taking that on, unless of course you have someone else in mind and then you should ask them the same question.
Then once you have have all of that either set or outlined is the time to share it with them. My grandmother put together a letter that clearly outlined what she had set up, her wishes in the event she couldn’t make decisions for herself and why as well as where all the pertinent documents were and a copy of her health care directives. She sent copies to all of her children, grandchildren, brother and the other relatives in her life she was particularly close to so everyone would know HER wishes and if there were disagreements everyone would be clear. Things can always be changed, adjustments made if people have strong opinions about or don’t like something and you are in agreement to change but remember these are YOUR wishes and it’s your decision not everyone else’s, how you want your medical needs handled, cancer, heart attack, stroke or a major accident and appreciate it now or not should the need arise so much stress and worry, a huge weight, will be lifted off your loved ones if you have layers this all out for them, agree with your wishes or not.
You are taking care of your family as well as yourself and I have so much admiration for you. Good luck and be well. You are doing the loving thing.
The responses have been very helpful throughout, and I feel hopeful that I can get on and face what I need to do, armed with some new info and good ideas.
As it would be for anyone, all this has been a little more than nervewracking since I started the process to address my disease and I know it hasn't been a cakewalk for my family either.
What I am happy and grateful for is that I've had some support from family (first and foremost, my daughter); as well, I have had good healthcare along the way; in addition, I've an employer where FMLA, ST disability and understanding management have been key in getting on with life. It could have turned out so much worse. I am counting my blessings.
Maybe you could include who u would want to have what.
People are afraid to talk about death because then they have to look at their own mortality. Its scary thinking you could lose a loved one. Maybe u should tell them you need to discuss ur "end of life" decisions for your own peace of mind.
My brother is POA and Executor for Dad and I am not on any of those documents. Dad has not planned anything, nor has he talked about what he wants, burial, cremation etc.
The best you can do it make your plans, have a lock box and tell the people who need to know where to find the documents and leave it at that. Keep an up to date list of all your accounts, insurance etc in the lock box. Make sure your registered accounts are beneficiaries, so those funds bypass probate. You cannot force the conversation.
I have a copy of my Will and POA documents at home, but the originals are with my lawyer. I have not yet paid for my cremation, but will do that in a few years when I have a better idea of where I will be living when I am older. Likely in the same community, but life happens.
Have you consulted with an Elder Care Attorney? Great place to start when it comes to getting legal things settled properly.
Trusts, Will and all that these are things everyone should have and they should be reviewed these are not just End of Life planning this is Life planning.
Pre plan your Funeral. If the family is resistant to discussing end of life arrangements they will probably not handle well funeral arrangements and this will take a burden off them as well as you knowing you will get what you want.
The next thing is just start talking about what you want, how you feel. These are conversations everyone should have but no one wants.
I've bookmarked the five wishes website. No, I do not have an elder care attorney; however, my mom and other family members have worked with a good attorney and I am thinking of contacting her.
Thank you for the helpful share.
As I replied to someone who had posted earlier, I am hoping for peace of mind and, so, even if I would have to let someone outside my immediate family know of my plans, so be it.
Copied from the Atul Gawande website, about the book you suggested, "Riveting, honest, and humane, Being Mortal shows that the ultimate goal is not a good death but a good life – all the way to the very end." I like that description. Celebrate life all the way as much as one can. My family and I try to do so with mom. Our mom is a gem and currently resides in an MC facility.
I appreciate more information from you; also, I didn't realize I'd need to be accompanied when getting the document notarized.
Yes. With my children, I do believe the emotions are raw but know that as time goes on, they seem to be more accepting, less upset.
My kids would tune me out if they did not want to discuss something at that moment but I would leave literature in their room. My daughters told me they always read it.
I don’t force my children to listen to something they aren’t interested in at that time. I tell people when I am not interested in having a discussion with them about a topic, or if I really don’t want to speak to them I simply ignore them.
They may not want to talk about it at this time. It’s not an easy topic for everyone. Respect their feelings for now and you can bring it up later if you wish. You can always discuss it with others who are willing to discuss it if you want another opinion on the topic. Speak to a couple of friends, or bounce the ideas off this forum.
You can't make them want to talk. If the discussion is important to you, you can:
• talk to us!
• look up patients' groups and counselling resources in your area
• talk to friends or more distant relatives who are perhaps in a comparable situation, opening the conversation by asking them if this is a subject that's been on their minds.
Thank you for your helpful response.