I have been my octogenarian parents caretakers since 2012. I moved in because living alone was terrible. I am financially independent. My dad got really messed up from horrible nerve damage in 2022 in his spine and knee replacement surgery and then was driven nearly insane from his hydrocodone opiate pain killer. He just had heart valve replacement. He has stage three kidney failure. He’s scheduled to have a giant kidney stone removed in January. My mother is clinically depressed, as am I, and I suspect has dementia to some extent. She is absent minded and talks all day long mostly to herself. I am definitely burned out and have been for at least 2 years.
My five siblings have basically done nothing for either parent. My oldest brother, the first child, comes over ritually every Sunday and gives my dad a chocolate donut. I guess it’s nice but my dad has chronic gout and is not supposed to eat sweets. That’s not that big of a deal in comparison to the second and third and sixth siblings. The third is totally estranged and lived in London since COVID and now is back in SF. She’s very wealthy. She absolutely hates our mom and adores her dad. The third is estranged and down right hostile. He has major issues with my Dad and is emotionally abusive towards him since 2022. He lives a mile away. He comes over maybe three or four times a year. The sixth and youngest is totally estranged. She lives two blocks away. The fourth is somewhat helpful. Out of the hundreds of trips to physical therapy, pulmonary and cardiac rehab, hospital visits, doctors appointments she has driven him maybe three times. She lives four blocks away.
I myself must be the problem because of my depression and living situation. I feel very taken advantage of. My day to day is 100% doing whatever my parents ask. This has been going pretty much since Covid.
I am not doing anything for the holidays this year. I think I truly hate almost all of them. Two have said they want to help several times, but never do, even when I ask.
Thanks for reading, this has helped a bit.
You've answered your own question with the insight you're asking from us, then turning on us when we give you a reply you disagree with. Reread your own words within the quotation marks to find the answer you seek.
Have a nice day.
“I myself must be the problem because of my depression and living situation. My day to day is 100% doing whatever my parents ask”
You clearly have insight and you know that your situation isn’t sustainable. Start working on yourself and your life exactly there. You’re going to have to stop looking back and around. That’s hard - you might need professional help.
You are focusing on the choices they made compared to your choice to care for your parents. Life is about choices and the consequences associated with them. And that is an individual thing.
You acknowledge that there is mental health issues in the family. Start with your mental health and get therapy to work through your thoughts and choices and how to process them. It will help alleviate the so called hate you feel towards your siblings.
I don't hate my siblings. They have there own issues there own problems. Do I want to be in the same room as them very often NO. Brothers are misogynist, my sister is fake. I don't hate them we are just different people and I have no interest in being around them.
Serenity Pray
God give me the Serenity to accept the things that I cannot change!
The courage to change the things that I can!
And the wisdom to know the difference!
You can not change your siblings, accepting this will help you greatly.
And you can not keep doing this full time, with out jeopardizing your mental and physical health.
So now you need to find a solution? The solution will not be your siblings, by the sounds of it.
Where did you read this? I asked “why do I have such hatred of my siblings?” I received much advice, yet no explanations other than “it’s your fault.” I am looking for some insights into a very powerful emotion, hatred, and nowhere did I say I regretted any of my life choices.
You start out telling us you moved in because "living alone was terrible".
Yet you moved in knowing that what you were moving into was terrible, and that it would get worse. And it did.
Your siblings didn't make this choice. Why they didn't is beside the point.
You have made a choice as an adult with free will.
You're responsible for that choice, and your choices ongoing.
Your siblings made other choices. That's their business.
I think depression often manifests as anger. You're unhappy and feel victimized. You choose to ignore your own choices in this matter. You say you feel taken advantage of, but no one forced/is forcing you to do this care.
Your parents might have never had ANY children, and would still have got care.
I think that you should see a therapist. Illness requires MD, mental issues a therapist, finances requires CPA, legal requires an attorney. A Forum of strangers cannot comb out family issues for you. We can only suggest you seek an expert to help YOU.
I was an RN. It became early clear to me that I could NEVER do in home 24/7 care for a loved one. I loved it, but it was difficult enough to do working three days a week with 5 weeks vacation, 12 ill days and 12 holidays. I knew 24/7 would break me. So I would be right there with your sibling and the chocolate donut.
You are choosing here to discuss this with US.
What honest, open, down to earth discussions have you had with your siblings when you have called them together to discuss all this?
And if you haven't DONE that--WHY?
I suggest you do it now. Or maybe after the holidays.
And why would your siblings step up when they know that you're there doing everything?
Until you make the choice to live your life the way you choose, which yes, should include moving out of your parents home, your life will remain the same.
You and only you have the power to make the necessary changes to be able to live your life the way you see fit and to find joy again.
Life is WAY too short to live in misery, so I hope and pray that you'll seek out a good in-person therapist to help you move forward before it's too late.
Your parents if need be can either hire full-time in-home help or can move into and assisted living facility using their money not yours.
You are NOT responsible for your parents or their care, nor are your siblings, but you are responsible for yourself, so start being more proactive in taking the steps to a more healthy and happy life.
You can do this!
Your siblings are most likely putting there mental and physical health first. You can't be mad at them for doing that.
It sounds like it's way past time for you to start thinking about you. This depression is not at all good for you. Can mom and Dad go into an AL so you can get on with your life, like your siblings are doing.
I was angry at my sister for a bit also, I realized it was missed placed anger. I was more jealous of my sister that she could walk away and act like she didn't care, and i should of been more angry at myself. For takin on so much , for caring so much of the stress over the years.
Don't be angry at your family, it only hurts you not them. You need to figure out how to change this around. To a caregiving situation that you can handle. This truly is not good for your health.
If you can get back to us tell us more of your situation, so we can give you better suggestions.
Do your parents own there home? Is there finance to get a paid caregiver in? Do you have a home to go to?