I had to put my Mother in Assisted Living last week and she is so angry that she says she will never speak to me again. She has a frontal lobe type Dementia and Delusional Disorder. She has sent thousands of dollars to scammers that she thinks are in love with her and want to marry or move in with her. Even after I got guardianship over a year ago and shut down her bank accounts, she sold about 90% of her furniture to send them more money and had recently started another round of going to banks and online to get more money. Her memory is still good and she is still quite intelligent, but her judgement is shot. The only way to stop the scamming was to have her removed from her home and placed in Assisted Living. I had Social Services do this and tried to stay out of it as much as possible. The Facility is over an hour away out in the country. I know this is a huge change for her, but it hurts to hear her anger. Our relationship had been good until about 2 years ago when the scamming started and we found out the diagnosis. I am an only child and have been her only caregiver. She refuses to believe that ANYTHING is wrong with her, just my fault "for taking everything away from her".
I've heard most people say that she will eventually adjust and I can start visiting her. She's been there a week and I have no interest in going to see her until she calms down and is not so angry. Have others dealt with this? And how long has it taken before the anger subsides enough to visit your loved one?
Thanks,
Chris
It is so hard to be criticized and chewed on when you know that you are doing the best you can and you are making sacrifices to help. No gratitude attitude is a challenge. I tell my dad, I am not looking for heartfelt thanks, just stop criticizing every single thing we do for you and saying that we have ruined things. He can tell anyone and everyone that he thinks I am crap, but I won't just agree to be punished by him for his perspective of the truth. I am not guilty of his accusations and I refuse to blame his disease and give him a free pass, if he can treat others like human beings then he can treat me and my husband the same. It is okay for you to not agree to be her scratching post because she is sick. She can be civil to others, then you can demand civility from her or you can stay as far away as you need to.
I think parents feel entitled to take their anger and frustration out on their children and others tell us we have to accept it because they are sick, not true, you can say I won't be available to get torn to shreds because you are ill. If they can treat 1 person kindly they can treat everyone the same. I know it is hard to be seen as the enemy, but you have done the best you can and now it is time to let the professionals handle her.
Remember, she wasn't happy before the facility, she probably won't be happy in the facility, not your responsibility to make her happy, your responsibility was to ensure her safety and wellbeing, you have done that.
It could take her 6 months to adjust, so be patient and let go of trying to make her happy. She will find it herself or she won't, nothing you do will alter that. But you can be at peace knowing that she is safe, fed, warm and out of scammers reach.
You did a great job for your mom, whether she acknowledges it or not doesn't change that.
After she had a couple falls and a few other medical incidents, she was more tolerant of accepting help. Eventually, her vascular dementia took most of her memory away. She is in skilled nursing now. We have good visits 4 times a week, and she can still be in the moment and joke around with me. Plus she can still be a pistol when she doesn't like something, but staff members are experienced and have good skills.
With your mother's type of dementia, learn what factors may prevent her from remaining in assisted living. It's good to plan for the next level of care.
For now you both are making a major adjustment. Your skin will thicken and your heart will grow more compassionate as time goes on. I have found support group meetings very helpful.
You are a wonderful daughter. Your mom is safe now and you can nurture your own well being. As is often stated in this forum, don't let her disease take you down.
I do see one big conflict in your description of what's going on. Your mother is mentally ill, you have the formal diagnosis, you have guardianship, it couldn't be any clearer that her understanding is severely impaired. And yet... what are you expecting of her? That she should acknowledge her mental illness, calm down, and accept that the steps you've taken on her behalf are in her best interests. But she can't!
That doesn't make what you and she are going through any less painful. It must be horrible to hear your mother blame you.
How did you go about selecting this facility for her, or did your social work team recommend it as well as handling the operational side of the move? I'm just wondering how much confidence you might have in the facility's support for your mother's mental wellbeing.
It has only been a week. Have you had any contact with her at all? - did you call her and just get your ears bitten off?
BetseyP
As far as the diagnosis, it was made my a psychologist at a full-day exam for guardianship. She suspected frontal-lobe dementia and diagnosed Delusional Disorder, which has been the overwhelming issue with my Mother, thinking that the scammers are legitimate men who love her. She talked to 3 different men, telling all of them that she loved them and planning a life with them, and sending thousands of dollars to each. She has sent over $80,000 in all since this started and showed no signs of stopping. That is why I made the decision to get her into Assisted Living. I do have the support of my loving wife and my 2 children.
My dad had been living on his own and doing ok until he had to have surgery to repair a bowel obstruction. He went to a nursing home/rehab for 3 months. While there, his verbal abuse had me so angry I walked out several times. Even the nurses and aides were shocked by his behavior. We took him home on 24 hour care for 2 years and it was ok as long as he was taking Ativan twice a day. He was still argumentative and obstinate with me and my husband, but got along with everyone else including my brother. I actually think our trouble was that we were so much alike. Long story short, we put him in assisted living about a year ago. He got kicked out of one and we found another where he got along ok. By this time his dementia had gotten so much worse that he no longer fought to leave. He passed away in July.
I don’t have any answers for you, except that in the last days, my dad told me he loved me..”he loves her” and held my hand. I’m still hurting, but talking about it, helps. I lost my dad long before he actually passed and that makes me the saddest because I know that he was worried about that.
Hang in there! You are doing your best and that’s all you can do!
please hang in there! I have experienced the same thing. My mother also has dementia and delusional paranoia (jealousy type)
The home advised me not to visit for a couple of weeks and then not everyday until she settled in. I hate to say but for my mum it took her about 12 months to finally settle. The anger subsided although she was not happy and kept asking me to take her home. I just said yes next time and changed the subject.
It can be hard at times try and stay strong, allow time for yourself - remember she’s still your mum and you need to not take things personally.
Me thinks that you are trying too hard.