My first instinct is yes, do it, but I'm hesitant because she has no other family or friends nearby to visit her. Fortunately, however, just this past weekend I was able to get her into a really nice facility where I feel like she will get decent care and maybe even make some friends.
I wonder how often I should try to visit her...once a month, once every other month? It would require a plane ticket. I work full time so I could only stay a day or two at a time.
My Mum is 85 and I would not hesitate to move if I get a good job offer after I finish my degree. As in I am looking all across Canada and live on the West Coast. I have years of work and life ahead of me, I cannot afford to give up opportunities for my own future.
I might should start another topic, but if this all goes through, I wonder how often I should try to visit her...once a month, once every other month, ? It would require a plane ticket. I work full time so I could only stay a day or two at a time.
The visiting would be all up to you and what u can afford. I am assuming this is a big opportunity. You really do need to look at your future. SS, 401k, etc. The first month u will be hectic for u. New job, new home. Is Mom able to use a cell phone without abusing it, like calling you at work for every little thing. If so, you can keep in touch. If u can, I think a monthly visit would be enough.
Be aware, that if Mom is on Medicaid, it doesn't go over state lines.
I would also very much want to make sure she is being treated well and would always be worried about her care so I would want to check on her because there would be hell to pay if I find anyone mistreated her.
I have always taken care of her so I will take care of her until she is no longer. That said, again, everyone and every situation is so different so I understand both sides. Just in my situation, I know I must be around for her.
Maybe not this month or next but when you get established in your new job and have a chance to look around your new hometown is there a possibility to transfer her closer to you?
Transferring from one facility to another is not easy, is not inexpensive particularly a long distance. But it is possible.
The facility she is in now may have another near where this new job will take you. If that is the case the two can work together when an opening comes up and helping to arrange the transfer.
You are not abandoning your mom. You are doing what she raised you to do.
You are furthering yourself. Setting yourself up for a better future. That's what all parents want their children to do.
I would almost bet that if your mom was aware of the situation she would tell you to go and pursue this new job.
3. Is she the kind to make friends in a new environment? 3. What is your mom's financial state/? 4. Do you have siblings? 5. At the end of the year, can you look back and be confident you made the right decision? Don't feel any guilt because it is clear from your story you care for your mom and have made arrangements for her care. But I think more information is needed. How often to visit? Can she or someone in the facility operate a computer, tablet or smart phone? With such you can check in with her often, maybe 3 or 4 times a week with a face to face call.. Or even a phone all. At this point in your life/career, if the new job and pay will be substantial, what advice do you think your mom would give you if she were 10 years younger? need more details!
If you are satisfied with your current job and the opportunities to get another local job if you need one, then I would carefully consider what you will need to give up in a long distant move. Ask yourself if you would regret the move if the new job doesn't work out as well as you hope. How do you see managing that job if Mom spends a week in the ICU? Making the choice, whether stay or move, that works best for you is the path of no regrets.
So much of your decision involves your relationship with her. Would you miss her? Would she miss you? Would you have time before you left to make sure that she is being cared for properly at this facility?
Everyone who answers is coming from that perspective of their own relationship with a parent. We can try to be objective, but our life experiences will color our responses.
If this job were important to my well-being and future earnings in retirement, I would definitely take it. I would get myself settled in my new job, scout out facilities near me, and then transfer my mother. I understand that you stated that “moving is not an option for her”. Why is that? She will already be moving soon to a care facility that you picked out. Yes, it will be difficult to move her again, but it will be much better for you and her.
Again, I can only respond from my own experience. If my mother had no one else to visit her, I would make sure she was close enough so that I could see her often - one, because I would miss her otherwise, and two, to oversee her care in the facility.
This will take some of your worry/guilt away - if it is a different climate that will make no difference unless she goes out a lot as these places are all set about the same temperature year round
Alternatively, is she is too infirm, mentally unaware, etc. find a caregiver where she is to look in on her for a few hours a day. If you are working and she is in need of care - you will need a caregiver regardless of where she is. Contact your local Office on Aging (Senior services) There may be volunteers (usually other seniors) who will visit.
In CA we have In Home Supportive Services for income qualified people that will provide some assistance.
I am writing from the patients perspective and will share a conversation I've had with my 4 children which range in age from 38-12 as well as my DW. Three of them are adults, though two are college age, I have also shared this with my 12 yr old daughter.
I was diagnosed 3 1/2 yrs ago with Early Onset ALZ at the age of 57. I've told all of them they need to make the moves that are best for their careers, and best for any families they have in the future. The last thing I want is for them to feel trapped in to having to care for me. My DW and I began planning for the future at the time we were engaged. Being in the income range of higher middle income we've saved and invested for the last 25yrs. No, it can never be enough.
The three adult men have been encouraged to put together plans for their retirement years and encouraged to buy LTC insurance while they are eligible to purchase it. Our youngest is a Special Needs Child, who is medically disqualified from purchasing LTC insurance.
We started educating them on the subject of finances since their early teens, and just beginning with our youngest. Her special needs do not involve any intellectual deficits, so she's grasping much of what we are teaching her. My advice to you, look out for yourself and don't put yourself in a position of jeopardizing you future life. No, that doesn't mean abandoning your parent. However, you have to be sure you are securing your own future. That is only being fair to yourself. My opinion. Best of luck.
Moving away anywhere, especially away from the place they’ve always known, even if it is to a beautiful facility, is scary and unthinkable to them.
They have already experienced overwhelming losses. As a result they fiercely push back and refuse to move and/or accept the help and love from others that they desperately need in order to try and maintain as much control of their lives as possible.
Remember that the brain is broken and it is the disease talking, not your parent.
Do the best you can to make sure they are taken care of wherever they are and make sure to take good care of yourself, too. Balance is the key.
Talking to a good Geriatric Care Manager for their help and advice is a good place to start in determining options for caregiving help and other solutions.
What I found was being in separate states without reliable, trustworthy local support, a lot can go wrong or be very sad.
I wish you and your mom the best, and hope you can confidently decide what will work for you two.