so, basically, the adult child trapped in their parents' home is out of luck, then? basically a slave trapped until the parent passes? god, i wish i had known that before i moved in.

There are solutions! There are alternatives. You are not trapped, but hurting. And I hurt for you reading about your stress level. Senior services abound. Keep calling and asking until you find one that's right for your specific situation. It may take awhile, but there's lots to choose from. Have a "friend" come to visit, who can evaluate your parent, and validate you. There are visiting doctors and nurses, and social services available. Being dead won't help your suffering parent who needs you to stay strong. Help is available. If I could give you a hug right now, I would. And take you to lunch. There is hope even in our darkest hours and the deepest valleys. This too, will pass, and the sun will shine again. There's legal things you can do, too. I have court-appointed Guardianship and Conservatorship. I felt like "Chicken Little" standing before a judge asking for "permission" to help my parents. I made my best case with the help of a Physician, and took over everything. Legally. It's not the best case scenario, but the only way to go for us.

There are also free legal services available for seniors. I contacted a Senior Center in my city, and they backed me up and offered me resources and counsel. Document everything you see, and everything that's going on in the home. I even tape record my parent's conversations, "just in case," because sometimes that's all I have to "prove" my point, as it can often be their word against mine. Tough love. We are supposed to serve others. Some days are harder than others. Hang in there and seek professional guidance. Guard your heart, and know someone is praying for you.

I felt like "Chicken Little" standing before a judge asking for "permission" to help my parents. I made my best case with the help of a Physician, and took over everything. Legally. It's not the best case scenario, but the only way to go for us. Anne

Good advice. Sounds like you've been through a lot of trauma yourself. One question: Did they parents have to be present when the Judge heard your case or was a written statement from the doctor enough?

Dear Baffled, I felt like that (baffled), but had to learn a lot. Yes, they stood before the judge, too. My sister commented that it was like sheep before a slaughter (she's so melodramatic). I don't think they understood what was going on, because of dementia and Alzheimer's. Before hand, a Guardian ad Litem came to their house to discuss what was about to happen, what to expect, and their concerns. I don't think they understood that part of it, either. The person filing the petition about the upcoming court case has to serve all interested parties. In my case, that meant giving my parents a notice in person and mailing it to my sibling. That gives legal notice of the upcoming court hearing, but no one knew what to expect at that time, including me. I was so scared, hence "Chicken Little." I expected a fight from my sister and parents, but everything went smoothly. Then I attended a class at the court to learn about what they expected from me. That is still overwhelming, and I'm still learning. It is the absolute hardest way to do things because they expect so much, and I have to do all the work or hire it done.

In Ontario, Canada it is different in that the lawyer, or the family physician or CCAC help with this process.

Be sure you check with them. If you have Power of Attorney the lawyer can enact this. Lawyers have a 10-item check list to declare a person incompetent.

Physicians can give dementia tests, and they underuse this tool.

I agree with you JenJilks. It is always good to get help. I was trying to save my parents money, and one lawyer (we contacted several) told me I didn't have to hire one). And he didn't charge me anything to tell me that! Power of Attorney is good, unless that parent gets mad at you and "takes is back." The parents have to be cooperative for this to work. Not all want someone taking charge of their lives, but some need it. My parents had already been given dementia tests, and that is a very important step. I didn't draw my own conclusions, but sought professional guidance through the whole process

My husband's mother was incredibly cooperative and wanted him to handle EVERYTHING. what a difference. My mother had delirium, as did dad. My mother refused all help.

My friend would jump when his dad phoned at all hours, blood everywhere from leukemia. Refused help. The clean up after he passed over was horrible.

The thing is, is to refuse to provide help, as I did, until they admit they have a problem. Kinda 'Tough Love'. My dad cooperated, mom was in denial.

Absolutely, Anne. I didn't get enough help and I paid through my mental and physical health ending up depressed and on Rx.

what does "refused help" mean? not sure if you mean the sick man refused help or his son refused to help. sounds like the man called his son asking for help, so he was not refusing help, but asking for it.

don't know if this applies in that specific case, but in general, and in my opinion:

it is the childrens' responsibility to care for their parents. no one said it would be easy or convenient or fun. i'm in favor of familial support laws and i think they should be enforced automatically without anyone having to sue to start it. like child protection laws, neglect should bring an instant response and severe penalties, both criminal and financial.

of course the situation is different with parents. it is more difficult to force them to accept the help they need. or is it not so much the help they need, but the help the children are willing to give? rather than quitting a job and taking care of a parent, many choose to take care of themselves instead and then complain when the parent has problems.

they come from a different generation when multiple generations were expected to live in the same home together and take care of each other as needed. failure to care for your parents and extended family was considered shamefull and disgraceful behavior. they still expect that now, and reasonably so. think how much money you could save by combining households. you would have one home for everyone, probably paid for. we would have none of the foreclosure and backruptcy issues that are plaguing americans now.

These are basic human life patterns: you are raised by your parents, you have children, you care for your parents, then your children take care of you. all other things (jobs, houses, fun, convenience, cars, boats, vacations, etc.) are totally irrelevant. These things are the candy after dinner, not the whole meal. With the lessons we are teaching our children now, how many of us will be well-cared for in our old age? very few, i think.

And just so no one says i don't know what i'm talking about... I care for my 91 year old mother with no assistance whatsoever. my older brother and sister have chosen to pursue their own lives and totally disregard all responsibility to their mother. My nephew lives just a few miles away, but visits on Christmas, some years. I gave up a well-paid professional career, all forms of insurance, financial stability, a decent car, medical care for myself, etc., etc., etc. Five years ago I could have literally gone anywhere in the world and lived my life any way I pleased. But my mother needed help.

She was having increasing difficulty taking care of basic needs and had fallen several times. Like most, she had no long-term care insurance and insufficient savings to pay for decent care. The only alternative was a welfare nursing home. We both consider that to be a fate worse than death. It's just a place to warehouse people until they die (usually quickly), while extracting as much profit as possible for as little care as legally permissible. for me there was only one choice, so i sold my home and most of what i owned and moved in with mom. within two years she was totally disabled. the job has become more than i had bargained for, but honor and decency will not allow me to shirk my responsibilities.

for me, it's a simple matter of right and wrong. to put my own desires above my mother's needs would be despicable and wrong. to do what is needed is right. I prefer right. what do we have in this life but our own sense of right and wrong? if we can't get that right, then what good are we? I will miss her when she passes, but i will carry no regrets or guilt.

Well said, and I applaud your honorable intentions. You already have your reward. As has been said, doing right is it's own reward. A

I cannot find any relief from trying to hold a job and care for my mother who has Pagets, with 4 spinal surgeries in 5 years, also diabetes.She cannot stand for any length of time and walks very little.I guess In Tennessee, you can't get any financial help.I'm all there is, so I have to go to work and worry about weather or not my mom and our apartment will be ok while I'm gone for 9 hours a day.Not to many employers are sympathetic to these types of situatuations.With no family and no one to help out, I completely understand when it gets to be a little to much and stupid thoughts start going thru your head.

My mother is driving me crazy. She said she did not want help from anyone. My brother doesn't have the know how and I am 400 miles away. She has banded me from talking to her doctor and she bent on me not knowing anything about her health to help her or get her help. I just spent 21 days with her after she collasped until She kicked me out. She had to be forced to go to the doctor with a threat that we would call protective services. What would you guys do.Desperatley need help.

Respect her wishes. It's her life. When she becomes convinced she needs help, be there for her. Until then, let her know you care but back up a step or two and let her exercise her independence. Play a little role reversal in your mind. If you were her, would you want a child constantly trying to do things for you that you did not want done? Remeember, what she wants should be your main focus, not what you want for her.

halfdead wrote:
"what does "refused help" mean? not sure if you mean the sick man refused help or his son refused to help. sounds like the man called his son asking for help, so he was not refusing help, but asking for it."

CCAC in Canada it is the healthcare support system to which we are all entitled, but father would phone his 50-yr. old son to come at all times of the night or day. The father refused help from CCAC -who provides in home help, respite care, home care nurses to change dressings, PSWs to clean his house and so on.

The big issues with chronic disease, or leukemia as this man had, is managing its symptoms, ameliorating its effects, and preventing further issues. He was playing a game with his son and would not acknowledge his illness and his disabilities.

To further exacerbate the issue, the son in a health care consultant and knew how to get the help that his father refused. And another layer, is that this was an alcoholic and abusive father during his fathering years. There were psychological issues that intrigue me.

I went for Tough Love. I refused to do what I could not, beyond my stress levels, and waited until mom wanted home care. She had pissed off neighbours, who enabled my parents, running around taking care of their needs well beyond what was realistic.

Each situation is different. Sometimes parents never get to the point where they want help, or see their need. To ignore someone in this case would been neglect. We need to be discerning.

My Dad told Mom I was trying to run their lives and steal their money. Actually, I didn't want to do anything, but if I didn't they would have lost everything. Dad was "removed" from the home because of his conduct, due to wandering and "hugging" neighborhood ladies and children. He put a plastic bag over my 7 year old son's head (with us present). He was getting in neighbor's mailboxes (a Federal offense), even after a Sheriff warned him not to. He was threatening my Mom, and driving with no license. We had no choice but to act. It is not the way we wanted things to go, but his dementia gave us no other options. When they are a danger to themselves and/or others, it is our responsibility to call the authorities. Otherwise we are liable for neglect.

You can make an anonymous call to the Department of Human Services, or such agencies, and they can investigate. Not all will. Report it to the Physician. I had neighbor's testimonies (they called us) and tons of documentation. If I hadn't stepped in, my folks would have lost everything. Dad was no longer capable of taking care of his household, wife or self. That's when family must act! Mom was not capable of taking care of him or herself, except minimally. She was aware of the problems and kept calling me for help. I called their Physician, and he advised me to take Dad to ER. Dad knew he was in trouble, and told them he'd been "nasty." I gave him a choice: see the Doctor or the Police. It was one of the hardest things I have yet had to do.

Mom has a heart cath procedure done tomorrow, so I'm sure we'll be making hard decisions for her as well, depending on how things go. I told her today that she can no longer live alone. She said, "I know that." I have been praying and waiting for God to show us the way. Her heart condition is obviously part of the answer. I don't wish her sick, but she rejected many other offers for help. Now it's out of both our hands. She's been having black outs, and "pressure" in her chest, shortness of breath, and sleeping a lot, so it's time for action. I pray she will be okay, and recover. Depending on what they find, and what needs to be done, I will either be bringing her home (and staying with her temporarily), or she'll be staying in the hospital, or will need rehabilitation. But I can no longer leave her living 200 miles away from her closet family members, and away from her interned husband, like it or not. How to move her by us, where and when remains the current dilemma. Fortunately, I am already her legal Guardian. I was waiting for her cooperation, rather than force her to act, but sometimes God makes them willing to move. It's clear that we are not in control, but he ultimately is. Please pray for my Mom tomorrow, and for our long snowy drive. Thanks!

upthecreek, I'll be praying for you. I'd call Protective Services. At least let them know you're concerned. The more information you have to work with, the better able you are to make good decisions. Get good advice. If they think there's a problem, they can guide you through the process. Or call a local Senior Center, and talk with a Social Worker. That's what they are there for.

cttrittgal, you're a hero! But it sounds like you need some help. I'll be praying for you, too.

One last thing, it is hard to do role reversal. We don't want to take over for the parents that raised us. But when they aren't taking care of themselves, we can't let them suffer because of it. Someone has to be responsible. It can be very confusing at times. It doesn't feel natural to make decisions for another adult's life. Yes, they want to be left alone. Yes, they want to make their own decisions. But sometimes through diseases and illness, adults lose that ability.

Remember, you cannot reason with an unreasonable person.

Seek their best interests by seeing to their health, housing, and emotional needs. Love wins. Honor them as parents, but help them get the help they need. Don't leave them to their own demise. You'll sleep better and have no regrets.

Thank you Anne, I need ed to hear that. All this has been so emotionally draining and woerrisome. I have thought about calling protective services. I will collect stuff and get it in order to have proof if I need it.
I will pray for your mom and you. I know its tuff.I never thought I would be in this predictment but I know never to say never. I am Thank ful your mother is willing to let some one take care of her.
Blessing to you tomorrow.

Baffled,
Thank you that is exactly what I have done also just so I can have time to think.I am not to get in her way and Have left her alone in another state for 20 years. This last episode took allot though and it has happened quick. Her doc is telling her what she needs and she will not even listen to him. She is fighting everyone that wants to help. It has been a month now since all this took place and I tried to help but I have done all I can do to this point. This is not about me but the saftey now.

Thanks you for your input.

Dear upthecreek, Thank you for your blessings. My Mom's only willing right now because she's scared. The things she is able to still do, she fiercely holds on to. She doesn't want to move, but can't afford her place, and can't keep up, and fights the inevitable. It's so sad. No one wants to give up independence or leave their home. Some face the facts and truth bravely. We need to praise them.

Just remember, you're not "reporting her," you are trying to find help for her, because she's your mother, and it's the right thing to do. If someone is having problems, others will back you up, eventually, because they'll see the same things. Talk to friends, family, neighbors, store owners, anyone who knows your Mom. Tell them you're concerned and ask what they think. If we're wrong, and overreact, at least we show concern because we love them, and we don't have to be ashamed of that.

Sometimes my Mom seems okay, and I question my own sanity. She has good days and bad days. And they can fake it at times, and tell everyone we don't know what we're talking about. That's why they call it insidious. It makes us think something is wrong with us. But given enough time, their true condition shows. Often we don't have to wait long. Others will see the problems, too, especially health professionals. But dealing with difficult people can make you feel crazy. My husband tells me it's not a drive, but a short walk. (A little humor.)

Sometimes I toss and turn at night thinking, "Am I doing the right thing?" Since when is helping someone, and looking after their best interests wrong? Fear keeps people from trying. Don't not help because of fear. And don't let your Mom intimidate you because of hers. You could simply say, "I'm helping because I love you, and I'm never going to stop loving you, and I'm not going away until you get the help you need." Or you could get the aid of some "authority figure" to talk to your Mother for you. Chicken Little grew up. (After asking a lot of questions.) And I trusted my instincts enough to get others to listen. Not all the advice I got was correct. (And I don't have all the answers, and still make mistakes.) But the more we get, the more choices we have to work with. Keep looking for solutions until you find one that works for you and your Mom.

I think we should fight for our loved ones, because it's worth it! They may even thank us for it someday.

Thanks it is hard and I am trying to do my best. One step at a time.I too toss and turn on what to do. I also wquestion myself becuase some days are good some days are horrible with her. Right now she is mad at fire at me for even talking to her doctor and trying to find out what to do. Its tuff.
I hope she will settle down soon I am trying to give her a few quite days and then I will move on this.
Thanks for you inspirations and I will pray for everyone on here . It is a difficult time in our lives as much as it is in our parents.

I wish my own advice works as well as I desire. My Mom resists all efforts to help except on her terms. She is not rational or reasonable and demands we cater to her whims, with little regard for our plans, needs, or inconvenience. We drove 200 miles to drive her to the hospital for a heart cath, which was a bitter experience of unthankfulness. We were forced to stay with her afterwards, and incur more of her demands. Often compassion rules, but she takes advantage of that and us at every turn. Like an immature child, it's always all about her. Duty sometimes determines our motives as well. We offered to get her nursing care upon our departure, but she declines all other offers for help.

My husband helped her out around the house, as I ran around doing legal/financial errands. We were thanked for all our inconvenience and sacrifice by her moaning, whining, complaining, and moody spirit. With offers to get groceries for her, she refused. I reminded her to tell the court, if asked, that I did offer. We left, driving back to home sweet home.

As I was sitting here writing this blog, she called, asking for my husband. Her hot water at the kitchen sink quit working, and after trying to tighten it with a wrench (she doesn't know what she's doing), she wants him to tell her what to do. She told us her leg is swelling as well. I told her, as the Recovery Room nurse admonished us, to call 911. She refused, saying, I'm not going to pay for an ambulance. I told her to call her Doctor immediately and call me back. Since I haven't heard from her, I'm calling her in 2 seconds. Pray for us. Thanks!

She'll continue to refuse all help from others so long as she can get you to drive 200 miles to do her bidding. Learn to say no. Does she live in a totally isolated area to where here is no other person to take her to the doctor or dial 911 for her or to fix her faucet? Don't abandon her, just supervise others from afar as much as you can. Demanding parents are not unusual, and it's not unusual for us kids to cater to every whim but sooner or later, both sides have to reach an understanding and it's up to you, absolutely up to you, to set the parameters.

What is she doing in court that you reminded her to say that?

'Sometimes I toss and turn at night thinking, "Am I doing the right thing?" '

I know about that.
But you make the best decisions...at the time, with info on hand.
You cannot enable a parent to abuse you, your time and your family. Limits must be set. In the studies I have seen 1/5 women between ages 35

I am her Legal Guardian and Conservator, and answer to the court for everything her person and finances. Even if I got someone else to help, I'd still have to supervise them, from a distance. She needs someone to oversee her purchases, and household. We are moving her by us soon, to an assisted living facility to take the pressure off us. But then we have to dismantle her household. We can't trust anyone else to do the delicate work with her valuables. My sister is waiting to "get hers." (Which is not happening on my watch, especially since my sibling does nothing to help her mother or father in the least.) I can't say no, because it would be considered neglect. Mom's already saying "abuse." I tape record every conversation and take my husband with me around her for my own protection. We are hostages. The only alternative is to turn her over to the court who would charge her a fee, and wouldn't be able to keep up with everything. We can't either, except by prayer and God's grace. When someone needs help, you help, not abandon them. I do set limits, and don't give in to every demand. Sometimes I just walk out. Like yesterday. She'll not have her way, but she has health, legal and housing problems that must be addressed. No one else can/will do it. Dad's in a Nursing Home with Advanced Stage Alzheimer's. My sister lives even further away, has a full time job she can't leave, and only wants the "goodies," not the responsibility. Other people have been driving her, at their own expense, to social clubs, doggie Vet appointments, shopping, and church. And it's nice of them, but not their responsibility. I do appreciate their goodness, but she needs more than her friends can give. So, for that, it's up to us to see her needs (not necessarily desires) are met. Believe me, she gets much less from us than she demands. But as a Christian, I am commanded to love and serve, and honor. Those are hard to do sometimes. If I lose my life, I gain it. To walk away, leaving her "to her own devices" would not honor God or Mom, and would keep me from the joy and peace I have from doing right, whether I "feel" like it or not. You can't "train" someone into right thinking or behavior. She is who she is. Selfish, spoiled, cognitively lacking. We need to move her, anyway, out of a home too much for her, and closer to our supervision. Not fun, but the right thing to do. So, please don't judge unless you know all the particulars. Helpful and constructive suggestions welcome. We've contacted all the Senior Citizens organiations, lawyers, Case Workers, Nurses, Doctors, etc., and are doing the best we can for someone who needs help whether she thinks so or not.

Anne, you are doing what you need to do. Don't forget to have time for yourself and your husband. I too know your circumstance beacuse I am in it to. I have trying to get up the strength to call protective services for my mother and it is very hard. Still waiting on doctors advice and he yet has to call me back. Sounds like yesterday was tuff day for you guys. I hope you have a calm evening. Go to the movies or out to dinner and relax some.It will help put things in prospective. praying here
Mendi

Dear Mendi, you are a sweetheart, (tried by fire) and can relate. Thank you for your compassion and concern. I do appreciate and admire you! Your Mom would be proud of you if she understood.

I have been thinking of you a lot. I'd like to say, "Don't worry," but I'd have to stop doing the same for my advice to be received. Caring for a parent is definitely more stressful and caring for a child. Perhaps because there's less will involved, and more independence. I'll just pray for you as well.

Just a thought, I convinced Mom to change Physicians twice so far. The first move probably saved her life, because of the heavy duty drugs she was being prescribed. Several condoned the med change afterward. We are still not getting to the bottom of her need/symptoms yet, though, and that has me concerned. I hope you have better cooperation with her Doctor than I do. The only problem is, without Legal Guardianship or POA, they can't really say much to you according to the law. And you say she forbade it? So I hope you find the help you need in him/her. Keep us posted and let us know.

I guess we just do the best we can, and leave the rest to God. Thanks, Mendi!

Anne easier said than done. Yes, she for bade me to talk to doc but she said the doc said that. I am not sure who said it.Who to beleive either. I did talk to the nurse and they agreed she needed to keep coming to the doctor even if she didn't want to. He told me she is just living off prescriptions and that is it.

I know I am going to have to take the drastic move I am just dreading it. I am praying for a miracle if there is one out there to be had. I will call DMV tomorrow and see if he pulled her DL. He suppose to I don't know what he going to do if he didn't he can get in allot of trouble.His beside manners have allot to be desired. However

Wow! I feel for you Mendi, I had to call about both my parent's driver's licenses, and it was painful and took a long time. They drove anyway, and the police told me to take their keys. They had more keys made. We were told to take the cars away. I'm still hearing about it from Mom. I waited on Physicians, the Secretary of State, and other social service agencies for what seemed like too long. I didn't get the cooperation I needed from all. There's no magic answers, but there is still such a thing as miracles, I believe. However, sometimes our answers come in unexpected ways. I'm still waiting to see how all will come out. I know you can relate to that.

One things I know, you will grow and mature as a result of all this. I applaud you for being tough.

So far my husband and I have both received "miracles" while caring for our parents, so keep the faith and patience, even when it's hard. Still praying for you.

Can anyone tell me what happens to Mom's house (that she cannot afford to maintain, and she cannot possible keep up with) if I were to move her out, and closer to me (200 miles away)? She lives in an area where way-too-many houses are on the market already, and it's a dinosaur needing way-too-much work for her or us to handle. Legally, does anyone know what happens if I move her to a Subsidized Senior Apartment, closer to where I can monitor her health/physical and mental concerns. What happens to her house, which has a loan against it, if I can't continue to pay for the upkeep, taxes, or sell, and can't afford to pay for inspections, to list it for sale, etc. I'm hoping to be able to afford to move her from her remaining assets. I know it's a lot of what ifs, but don't want to jump into something and be sorry later. Looking for expert and/or legal advice. Will probably call a Senior Advisor/Lawyer today, unless someone on here can guide me. Thanks

Do you have her Power Of Attorney?