My mom is almost 77, she lives alone. She’s independent but we do help her with big things like mowing the lawn ect. I have helped her with household chores and but not on a regular basis because she is physically able to do her own housework. And I think she should do it. She still drives. She recently had a fall which resulted in a broken arm. No surgery required. She will have physical therapy. She stayed at my house for the first few weeks after the fall and I was miserable. I feel terrible for saying that but she sat around wanting to be waited on and stayed in her pajamas all day just on her phone mostly. It drove me insane. That much time together under the same roof was not good for our relationship. I can see clearly it would not work for her to ever move in we us. I have one sibling who used to live with her for about 5 years. Never paid rent or helped with ANYTHING around the house. We eventually had to evict him due to alcohol and drug abuse. He no longer speaks to me but acts like all is good with my mom. Whenever she needs something she calls me and my husband. She knows my brother will not do anything. She can be very demanding and impatient about us doing things for her. And I often feel like it’s expected and not appreciated. Sometimes she makes hurtful comments like “I don’t want to burden you more than I have to....” or when I caution her about not doing things that aren’t safe she lashes out saying “stop treating me like I don’t know what I’m doing!” I realize she’s struggling with feeling like she’s losing some independence or control. But I would think the negative comments should be directed at my brother and not me considering my husband and I are the only ones who help her. I struggle with not reacting to her comments, it’s hard because she REALLY pushes my buttons. I have started saying no to her sometimes when her wants are not convenient for my husband and I. I’ve tried convincing her to sell her home (it’s too big) and downsize to a small apartment with no less responsibilities and little or no maintenance. She won’t agree. So here we are....her living “independently” but becoming more “dependent “ on us as we go along. No sure where we go from here.
I couldn't comb my hair.... my eating was like that of a 2 year old..... my handwriting with my other hand was like that of a 4 year old. I couldn't drive for months because I couldn't shift gears or even turn the key to start the engine. It was a mess. Taking a shower was extremely painful. And pain is exhausting, I have no energy.
Then I had physical therapy as the muscles in the arm all tighten up to a point where I could not straighten my arm out. That wasn't a walk in the park, either going 3 x a week and enduring muscle aches.
So please give your Mom a better understanding of what she was going through with that broken arm.
Now, this is one thing grown children need to understand.... when Mom comes to stay with you or you with her, the adult/child dynamics change. Once again you are the child, and Mom is the adult in the household. It's just the way it is.
As for helping your Mom at her house, write out a list of everything, and I mean everything you and your husband do for her. Now, take that list can cross off half the items, then cross off a couple more. Don't show Mom the list. When Mom calls for you to do something that is crossed off that list, just say "sorry, I can't possibly do that". If Mom insists, politely tell her you have a name of a person to hire to help her, such as a lawn mowing service.
If Mom grumbles, tell her you and hubby can't keep up with your own chores at your house, much less another house. I had to start saying "no" to my parents [who were in their 90's] and it wasn't easy. But I had to draw a line as I was in my 70's. But in their eyes, they still saw me as being 35 years old.
It seems to me that the child that does the most for the parent is one that gets the most hostility and the least credit. The golden child, which is usually the son, no matter HOW much of a good-for-nothing he may be, is the one who's applauded loudly and carried around on chairs.
Wishing you the best of luck!
My mother was meticulous about keeping a list of stuff she needed done on a non emergency basis, and whenever one if visited she would say, "I need you to..." Nothing arduous, getting stuff from the attic, moving something to the basement.
My brother made it very clear that he wasnt going to do yardwork and I that I wasnt going to do housework, and mom hired those tasks out.
There came a time, however, when everything became an emergency. I sat mom down and said "I cant do this anymore". ("This" was leaving my job 3 days in a row and driving am hour one way to find her hysterical about some minor thing). She actually had no idea that what she was asking was unreasonable.
To make a very long story short, a cognitive evaluation showed that shed had a stroke and had lost significant cognitive skills. She wasnt being purposefully unthoughtful.
Be clear in what you wont do. Be polite, but tell her "no" clearly that she'll need to hire help if she wants to remain in her home.
You've offered her a reasonable solution to the issue (a smaller home). Findbout why she wont consider that.
If she needs help with moving and relocation, that's a project worth doing!
That is really the only way to get some stubborn people to face reality. Let them fail or succeed on their own.
I am sorry that she doesn't show any appreciation for all you do. I think that they really become entitled and they don't think that they should be appreciative, you own them after all. You just have to know that you are doing what you feel like you should and not worry about any acknowledgement from her.
You have seen what happens when there are others around. She will take advantage of you. Keep those boundaries up. I also "do" when its convenient for me. That could be your just reading a book. When she has those "negative remarks" tell her to call your brother next time she wants or needs something done. She does have 2 children. When she gets nasty, call her on it. Tell her you don't have to do what you do for her. That you deserve some respect and appreciation for what you do do.
The house. I have a 4 bedroom house. I have gotten rid of a lot of unwanted/unneeded stuff. But I am still here thinking, how am I ever going to really downsize and I am 70. Maybe broaching Mom with "I know downsizing seems overwhelming but DH and I are willing to do the heavy work. Explain that the upkeep on her house is going to become more and more and she can't expect you and your DH to do it. You have your own home and responsibilities. That she could save so much money selling the house and moving into a nice apt. No taxes, no upkeep, easier to clean. She can use her SS and offset other costs with the proceeds from the sale of the house. Making sure she realizes that living with you is not an option. And you are not caring for two households.
You know why my Mom asked me to do everything...because I was the closest and I never gave her any gruff. Yes, I did set some boundries if you wanted to call them that. My Mom was not demanding and there were times with my brothers she should have been. Mom was independent until she could no longer drive. We set up one day a week for food shopping and errands. We lived in a small town, TG. Dr appts were made around my schedule. I was working p/t so they were made when I was not working. If she needed a script picked up, I did it when I was going that way. Never anything she needed that minute. Have her take advantage of what is available. The longer she does things for herself the better.
For her on-going need to live "independently" you need to let her live independently. Set more boundaries. I like the earlier idea of having a list you keep of what you will and won't do. Don't get involved in on-going help like yard work, she can plan and hire people for that. Don't get involved in cleaning, she can do her own or hire someone to clean. Do be available to do a special chore that is within your time constraints and skill set. Her needs are only going to increase with time so you need to keep your list of things you are willing to help with very short. Until she is inconvenienced by her home and "independent living" situation she's not going to see any reason to make a move to an apartment. Recognize that she doesn't see any of her requests of you as problems and won't understand that you don't want to take care of her and her house in addition to your family and your own home. Her perspective is that when she asks you, you do it, so it must be fine. Lovingly firm boundaries are your friend.
What is the definition of "independent" for any senior? In your first sentence you say she is independent but then go on to list all the ways she is not. This means you yourself need to rethink reality and change how you see your mom in her current and future state.
I agree with the other commenters that your mom is, at best, semi-independent or mostly dependent. How much help / time / money is required to keep her in her own home which she clearly can't maintain on her own in any realistic capacity? Even if she has a full recovery from her broken arm, you know her needs will only increase as she ages and changes. I would sit down with her (and any willing and trustworthy siblings of yours) and just have a calm discussion about reality and expectations:
- for your mom to be safe, kept as healthy as possible, and do what she enjoys in life without family providing the majority of care to make this happen.
- for someone (your mom's assigned durable PoA) to manage her care in her best interests and that of the PoA.
- for family to not have the financial and physical stress to maintain 2 homes (each of their own plus mom's).
- that mom will be realistic and wise about aging and her future.
You can create a list of things that she used to do when she was actually independent. Then put check marks next to those that now require others to do (or pay) for her. If it's about half the list, then mom is semi-independent. If it's more than 50%, well then she is mostly dependent. How does she wish to move forward knowing what the stated expectations are?
Unless your mom has cognitive decline she should be able to participate in this exercise and it will be healthy for her adult children to all be there for this discussion. Your mom should have a say in how things unfold, but only in the context of the others' expectations.
Your mother will pass those "mini mental exams" in the doc's office (my mother scored almost perfectly until a few months before her death) but a real neuropsych exam will show the deficits.
My mom's regular doctor insisted she was "fine". It took a geriatrician two visits to send her to a geriatric psychiatrist. It took the geripsych two visits to insist mom needed a cognitive evaluation.
My brother insisted mom was having a "pity party". She was not. Her brain was very broken.
An MRI showed a previously undetected stroke. 6 hours of pencil and paper testing showed significant, although technically "mild" cognitive decline.
You are doing a great job of re-assessing & have already highlighted some big issues lurking
1. the independence charade
2. resistance to change
3. refusal/reluctance to use non-family labour
4. lack of insight or concern how this affects you
5. pressure to be at beck & call
As Barb said, critical thinking skills (executive functioning) are a part of this picture.
(No offence intended - my own are... auggghhhh).
Do you want to visit every weekend? Is it to help others or supportive to you too? What does 'hell to pay' look like if you don't go.
If you don't want to go - don't. Inform family you will not be coming this weekend. Scale the trips back to make room for you. Get some breathing room. (Say the car is broken if you can't just say no).
By the way, my sister lives 2 hours away. She visits for Christmas, Easter, significant birthdays & maybe 1-2 random visits - so 4-5 a year. She NEVER does hands-on care, maintence, housework of any sort. Just brings cakes.
She lives alone, 89, in a large 2 story home. She refuses to downsize. She's extremely miserly (she's got some $$). She won't hire help through an agency - only under the table and only when she sees fit.
No POA, No Trust, no will.
Her hearing is shot. I can't even talk to her on the phone any more.
I've taken a 'stand back' quasi no contact approach since her last dance with her hospital/ rehab stint last year (broken hip, afib, ulcer, incontenance). She's called the police on me, (took her car keys away from her), tells horrible lies about me to others. I had no control. I couldn't even get her to a doctor for an evaluation. I spent two months traveling back and forth, $1500 of my own money for gas, supplies, and retained an elder attorney. My husband was furious at the way she treated me after I had done so much to get her to return to her own home. So we both decided it was best to just let her be and let the next crisis hit.
She had become a shut-in. Lost all her friends. She still manages to drive herself to the store for groceries - up until a few days ago. She never calls me, and rarely picks up the phone if I should call to check on her.
I'm her only child/daughter and family.
For the life of me, I can't understand why some elderly don't plan or put affairs in place before it's too late. I'm my husband dPOA, successor trustee - etc. Directives are in place should he become incapacitated or myself. My husband and I have LTC policies and even a plan to downsize and live in a home that is manageable (currently a rental property we own) . I realize that not all can afford certain things however, that still doesn't excuse for the lack of planning old age.
You don't live forever, and you can't take it with you. Not to decide is to decide.
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My mother is afraid of me or anyone to take control. She's a mean ,nar·cis·sistic, delusional and accusatory to anyone that comes in her sphere. Always has been.
Now, I'm just waiting for a call from her doctor at the hospital to see if they will perform an psych evaluation. I won't step foot towards her until I get legal control. I don't want it that way - but it's my only option at this point. She won't love me any less or more whatever I do.
If no evaluation is performed - she's on her own. The state can have her. I don't care how much money she has or doesn't have. I refuse to be taken down by her.
Besides, I have my hands full with my husband - he comes first.
Fun ride. :(
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Mom didn’t take her meds and ended up in the hospital. Hopefully she’s taking them NOW, but I know she’s not testing her blood sugar. Doesn’t want my help or be told ANYTHING . . .or even to suggest something to her. We live 10 minutes away and she lives by herself.
Not a fun ride.
And you do not have to give up YOUR independence to make it look like she is independent.
Maybe push back on her to hire her OWN people to do the work that needs to be done. If she wants to be on her own, she needs to do things for herself. Once she realizes the reality that she can not handle all this on her own she will become more realistic and see that she can not really do this on her own.
She is likely not able to handle this on her own. She needs to come face to face with her aging and that she can't do the things she used to be able to do. It is not your responsibility to do more and more and more while she does less and less and less.
Tell her when she's ready to sell and move into an apartment, you'll be there to help her but that you can't help her stay in a house she can't handle.
Good luck.
All this while not asking my husband, a retired carpenter, to either find someone or do the job himself.
Call a plumber for advice on what is the property thing to do with an unused bathroom to avoid major problems later on. The plumber might suggest "winterizing" the toilet, but I would keep the toilet functional as having an extra toilet comes in handy when there is company.
i had to move my Mom from an independent senior apartment, because she would call me every time something broke, and I was expected to call the front desk.
i finally realized she just couldn’t function normally on her own.
even laundry was an issue as her Alzheimer’s had her confused on how every day things work.
she is now in Assisted Living and the facility deals with her day to day needs.
her happiness within this living situation is all up to her. I finally had to release the guilt over putting her in there. It was killing me..
Your brother is not there and helping, so he becomes the "favored" child. Because he's not there, he also isn't making waves or telling Mom she cannot do.
My mother is now in permanent care and my husbands health is pretty steady at the moment after many years of problems, but still becoming less physically capable of doing a lot of his chores. I am 70 with a number of health issues and having to accept assistance with some traditional responsibilities. So we have reached a kind of cross road between being the caregivers and becoming the ones needing care.
I always yearned for someone to help with household chores, there never seemed to be enough hours in the day. Now I have that assistance, courtesy of government programmes (Australia has a good aged care system compared to most other countries whereby it strives to keep people in their homes as long as possible)m. But I am resenting the loss of independence, and so is my husband. Like another poster said, we can see it from both sides now.
I recommend a service like Home Shield service for repairs. You can get it to cover appliances, heat/ac, water heater - I think they even do repairs on things like ceiling fans, garage door openers, etc. I pay $75 service call when they are needed and they do the repairs. Beats trying to locate a service man or anticipate what kind of 'show up' fee you're going to be paying.
(Incidentally, waiting until you are unable to get out of bed or clean yourself to move into a care facility is not really a plan, and will result in a TON of problems for your children. Maybe you were just simplifying your instructions for the sake of brevity.)
My Grandma (greatest gen) organised lawn moving & all she needed herself & years later accepted a wait listed place for AL & put her house up for sale - before telling her adult children. Her daughter downsized herself to IL once a widow. Another daughter indended to downsize but had a stroke - she now wishes to remain at home forever & is trying to refuse all help for services & personal care (stroke brain changes).
So I guess the best way is to plan but to execute that plan BEFORE the planning & judgement part of brain is shrunk away by dementia, stroke etc.
If only everyone had a crystal ball.
So starting now you will be paying $$ for my DH to do your lawn.
I don't understand why people don't care about their loved ones well being, if I earn a living doing xyz what is loving about asking me to do it for free. If you loved me you would pay me and generously.