I am a widow. My husband passed away 7 years ago. For 5 years I took care of him. He was pallative care when he was diagnosed. It was awful, mentally, physically and financially. After he passed I became very ill. I already had a autoimmune disease at 11 years old and now another that is life threatening. It attacks the liver. A liver transplant is the only cure. Along comes my mom and she can't work anymore and retires. She needs to move in with me because she can't afford to live in her condo so I do most of everything to get it ready and sold while she is laying in bed not feeling well. She is a nurse and knows how to work the system. She was never an active person and slept all the time and also ate terribly. Now she is paying for all of that. She had asked me what I thought in the beginning - she brought it up . I told her that I took care of my husband for 5 years; finally got over the grief and had to sell my home. I moved into a lovely rental and loved my new life (short lived by 2 years) and now.....BOOM I have to take care of her financially and physically. Mind you I have a brother that tried for 2 months and refuses to do it anymore. He has a wife and I have no one but myself. I struggle to maintain a positive outlook and lifestyle but I make myself do it. Now I have a negative force who complains and moans and groans all day about how she feels. I don't think I can do this much longer. She moved in last year in February and has been in and out of the hospital 10 times since. She goes for everything. She loves being ill and having people feel sorry for her - her parents did this when they were children. Her sister, my aunt says this as well as her friends "know how she embellishes". Now I have a boyfriend and they are at odds because he like my friends and late husband see her minipulation. She actually said she cant' believe that I take and chose him over her. I told her "yes and I would any other many that I was in a relationship with because I have a life too". I don't think I can do this much longer. She was in the hospital again. She had the nerve to tell me how she took care of me when I was ill so I should be helping her. Ummm, I was 11 years old. That she'll never forget that I couldn't make the time to visit her this weekend. Everytime I called to check on her she was doing so much better and going home. Then calls later and says if they don't treat this or that I am not going home until the do. This happend 3 times before I finally picked her up Monday evening. She was in for a total of 3 days. I am exhausted and don't know if this can continue. Mentally she is not at a point to be put into a nursing home. She can't afford assisted living.
You have paid your dues while caring for your late husband, and now it's time for you to live and enjoy your life. You've earned that, and deserve that. And you certainly can't do that with your mom around and her negativity. It's time for her to go. Remember, we only get one go round in this life, and it's up to us to make the most of it. That is my hope and prayer for you, that you will have the courage to do just that.
She is not mentally or physically incompetent.
You have not sat her down and told her she cannot live with you anymore.
So what options are you considering? You have in your home a woman who has decades of life ahead of her; will those years, those decades be in your home?
You are going to have a hard time prying your mother out of this living with you. To be frank, you and your boyfriend may need to move out of your rental, and be certain not to take mother into your care again. She can then consider her options. Surely she will not likely afford where she is. She can make what arrangements she can afford, or she can apply for medicaid and have placement.
It is up to you. Only you know the options that are available to you for your own life. I wish you good luck making the hard choices ahead. Not everything can be happily or easily fixed.
Stop.
What your brother does or doesn’t do, what your aunt does or doesn’t do, what YOUR MOTHER DOES OR DOESN’T DO, SHE IS NOT YOUR JOB.
If your mother couldn’t afford to live where she was living, it was ON HER to figure out how to find some place cheaper, or find Senior Assisted Housing or go on welfare.
It was NOT ON YOU. You made a huge mistake when you assumed responsibility for her, but you have to own the fact that you did make that mistake, AND CORRECT IT.
What happened to you when you were 11 years old has nothing to do with the fact that ONLY YOU can escape this by researching what’s available for her care, providing her with what you find on her behalf, THEN BACKING AWAY.
Please don’t let her take more of your life than she already has. If your gentleman friend is a kind and good man, you deserve the chance to be with him.
You HAVE choices, but that will not matter if YOU DON’T take advantage of them FOR YOURSELF.